by Angela Peach
She took it all away.
I looked at her, eyes closed, and I closed mine. I let the darkness join us, I heard my heart beat with hers and I heard an echo of her fears. “Don’t hurt her,” she said.
I grabbed the girl that lay on top of Nikki by her hair and I dragged her, as she woke up, arms flailing. I kicked her, again and again.
“Stop screaming!” I told her. “She can’t hear you.”
“Don’t hurt her,” whispered in my mind. I gritted my teeth, tightening the grip of my fist on her hair as I continued dragging her on to the ice, trying my best not to slide.
“Shut up screaming, you little bitch!” I shouted as I felt her nails dig in to my calves. She was strong for a wee, skinny lassie. I brought my foot down on her knee, hearing a crack as she screamed in pain.
I looked at her and felt nothing. I began to punch her in the face, over and over, again and again, my fist declaring its pain as I slipped in the blood from her nose and mouth with every blow.
When I felt my finger break, I stopped and I looked at the inert face of the young girl I had pummelled. I left her unconscious and returned to Nikki’s side.
It’s not the first time I have been filled with sadness but I knew Nikki wouldn’t understand that. She hated me and I’d make her hate me more. I’d had enough of living a half-life.
This was it. This was my chance to kill Nikki. No more jealousy, no more stealing my happiness, no more of her in my head. I lifted an ice skate and lowered it until the blade touched her neck, kneeling beside her sleeping body. I saw her quiet, smiling face, so peaceful in a sleep that couldn’t hurt her and I pressed the blade against her throat until I could see a red line begin.
I thought of all the love I’d had in my life, I saw the first moment Helena smiled at me and my breath froze in my throat. I felt Nikki loving someone else whose name I’d never know. I tried to press the blade and I was filled with the touches Helena’s soft fingers had made on me that melted my cruel heart.
Who was it that had the cruel heart? My heart was never cruel and Nikki…Nikki…I glared at her and tried to hate her but I couldn’t press the blade on her throat any harder. I felt the familiar choke in my throat, as the years of unhappiness weighed me down, filling me with regrets. My eyes were blinded by tears as I stared at Nikki, removing the blade from her neck.
I ran a finger across the red line I’d left on her skin, her pretty face oblivious in our deep sleep.
I love her.
I leant over and put my lips on hers, so soft that only a wind would know that we had touched. I got up quickly picking up the ice skate and I returned to the body that could have been me unconscious.
I had no trouble pressing my blade to the girl’s throat and I watched, in sheer fascination as the blood spread quickly from her throat across the ice, her scared eyes wide as she realised too late that she was dying.
Whoever she was. She wasn’t me. She wasn’t Nikki. I couldn’t kill Nikki: it’d be like killing myself.
The red blood spread on the white ice, it was beautiful and I admired the luxury of colour. I took my hand and I made a message, red against white that only Nikki would understand. Then I ran to my hotel room and I waited for my sleep. I waited for Nikki to wake up.
I might not be able to kill her but I could kill her heart.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
In the movies blood is always a vibrant bright red, which any idiot knows is completely inaccurate. If you cut your finger the blood starts out that way for sure, but after about twenty minutes to an hour it dries and goes a deep crimson or even a nasty brown. It's something that niggles me a lot when I'm watching slasher films — the blood stays bright red for hours and hours, sometimes even days.
Ness's blood, however, had stayed that way, frozen in a fantastic display of red swirls on white ice. I was transfixed by the macabre beauty below and too numb to answer any questions poised by whoever was stood behind me. The cops had just arrived and I knew they weren't holding me as a suspect. Obviously when I wouldn't wake, and with a slither of red juice escaping my own neck, they initially assumed they were dealing with two bodies.
Ness. Her life had just started to blossom with opportunity and my bastard twin had simply erased her out of, what, spite? Because she could? Because she fucking wanted to? Was I doomed to see every woman I loved die in such horrific ways? She didn't know the meaning of losing a love! Oh, she proclaimed to have a love for Helena that surpassed the boundaries of any heart, but she'd never known how it felt to really lose her. Not in the same way I knew about loss...
Time was short. I had to get out of here as quickly as possible. I gave a brief statement to the cops, saying I had no idea who had attacked us. They were familiar with my condition so I was cleared almost immediately. The good thing about having such a rare disorder in a small town was how quickly news spread within the medical community. Occasionally I'd been caught short and woken up in hospital to be monitored, so all the EMTs around here knew of me. They verified my condition to the cops and I was allowed to go home alone after insisting I could ride my bike.
I was focused. I was a goddamn arrow of such intensity I was burning a trail of bitter black ash in my wake. My hatred for her was like an icy furnace, the flames lapping away at my insides and consuming everything within their path. She'd wanted to kill my heart and she'd succeeded — now residing in its place was a screaming darkness. What did she expect me to do? Go after her? The little book of matches she'd left in my pocket were a bold message telling me where she was — like a dare for me to face her as she'd faced me. Well, I had a much better plan, one she was not going to like in the slightest, but I had to move fast.
The street was teeming with cop cars and if I wasn't mistaken, a news van had already arrived on the scene. I wanted in and out in no longer than five minutes. I would not, could not speak to anyone. I ran into the house, ignoring mom's cries, found my passport and cash, then I was out the door and on my bike, trying to pretend the screams of pain and anguish coming from Amanda's house were all in my imagination.
I rode like the devil was chasing me out of hell to find the Motel she'd holed up in, skidding into the parking lot and losing a good portion of rubber from the wheels as I did so. I ran into the reception and asked the idiot behind the counter which room Nick was in. At first he resisted giving me any information until I hinted she'd just checked in yesterday, was about to kill herself and I needed to stop her. That was enough of a jolt up his ass, he gave me a spare key and went back to watching the show on the box that I'd interrupted, leaving me to face my doppelganger alone.
I stood over her, curious. She looked surprisingly peaceful but the hatred that I felt for her only intensified at this. She didn't deserve to be at peace, ever. I wanted to kill her, to rip her apart piece by hateful piece until I'd exposed her dark heart, then I would squeeze it until it popped between my fingers.
I sat on her chest, my hands tightening around her throat. Her body squirmed slightly beneath me as I denied her the air she needed. Oh, the temptation to finish her off right now was strong and nearly overwhelming, but I forced myself to relinquish my hold on her life. Breathing heavily as I regained my control, I lowered my face down until we were mere inches away — I could smell her sour darkness emanating from every rank pore.
Enough. I jumped to my feet and turned the room upside down until I found what I was looking for — some ID with her home address on, her phone and a set of keys. The thumbprint security was easy to bypass with her right next to me and I set about changing the security so I'd be able to access it without her — I was going to need her keys when I got to the UK and I didn't want her able to warn anyone I was coming. The phone might come in handy at some point.
Tulsa International airport was about a hundred and twenty kilometres away and I got there in just over thirty-five minutes. There was no fear in me as I'd pushed my bike to extreme limits of speed, feeling almost guided by unseen forces. I left my trusty mac
hine outside the main entrance of the airport, keys in the ignition and still purring, and ran to the ticket desk. As if fate were on my side, there was a flight to Glasgow leaving in ninety minutes and I managed to book a seat, arrange a special wheelchair for me to exit the plane, race to the gate and give over my ticket with just seconds to spare. It was six pm when I left American soil for the last time. Hopefully I wouldn't need to be wheeled off the flight, but I wasn't sure about the different time zones.
My mind was black; blank. When it came time for my eyes to close, I explained my condition thoroughly to the hostess, making sure they understood not to panic and that I'd wake up (hopefully) just before we landed. But just in case, I was going to sleep in the wheelchair so they could remove me from the plane and not cause any hold ups for them.
I was utterly numb. Why had she done this to me? I just wanted everything to end and the only way to do that was to destroy her — perhaps in destroying each other something would just snap and one (or neither) of us would emerge victorious.
I woke as the plane was descending, much to the pleasure of the cabin crew. With no luggage to collect, I sailed through passport control and went straight to the taxi rank. It was going to be expensive getting to her place, but this was a one way trip and I had the funds at my disposal. I ignored the efforts of the driver to make polite chit chat but gave him a large tip when we arrived at the building she called home. I strode inside with her keys, never losing my focus for a second. There wasn't much to search — her flat was derelict and barren and I found what I was looking for within minutes.
Helena's address and phone number, stuck on the fridge door. It was almost too easy.
I needed to plug her phone in and let it charge briefly before I could send a text, begging Helena to come and see me before nightfall. If she said no, I'd just have to go to her, but things would work better if she came here.
"Nick, where have you been? I’ll try to get out but I can’t promise. Wait for me, I’ll get to you when I can.”
I read the message, sneering as I imagined how her face was going to look when she found us, Helena and I, tomorrow. She would be forced to make a decision and it would be the end either way. A certain amount of calm was beginning to settle over me at the thought and I moved around the cramped rooms as I waited for Helena to arrive.
She took her time and I actually started to worry she'd chickened out until I heard a confident knock on the door, which I'd left slightly ajar. Sure enough, when I didn't answer, the door swung slowly open and in stepped a girl. She was attractive — that much I could evaluate before the small baseball bat I was using as a club made contact with the side of her head. She crumpled easily and I dragged her in before realising she wasn't Helena. The long white hair gave her a Nordic appearance, but I was expecting company so I pulled her into the bedroom and checked her pulse. It was faint, but steady which gave me a good indication how hard to hit Helena when she arrived.
It was less than an hour before I was due to sleep when she finally walked in, calling out to Nick.
I hit her full in the face with my makeshift club and she stumbled back against the wall with the force of it. That was when I saw her swollen belly and something inside me hesitated. She really was pregnant!
What was I about to do?
For a split second, I reached out to help her, to see if she was all right and get medical aid for her...but then I remembered the red scene that had greeted my eyes not so long ago. I didn't know this woman, all I knew was that she was Nick's heart and soul and she had to be destroyed.
In silence, I swung at the lifeless form at my feet until I was certain there was no life left in it. Tears streamed down my face, but they too were silent. In contrast to the beauty of Ness’s death, this was ugly, brutal.
I went back to the bedroom and stripped the blonde of her clothes, levering her up under the bedsheets. Then I stripped myself and lay next to her, somehow knowing this would be the cherry on the cake for my twin.
As my eyes closed, for perhaps the final time, I whispered one word.
“Nicola."
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I woke up with my finger aching, unsure of where I was, what day it was, what life I was living. Then I felt the anguished beat of my heart, pumping the blood around that kept me alive, and with every throb, a memory became clearer.
I had killed an innocent girl. I hung my head in shame, the horror of what I had done filling me with regret. I couldn’t kill Nikki but I should have let the girl Ness alone. My pain should not be Nikki’s pain.
I got out of bed, feeling the unfamiliar heat of the sun warm through the closed curtains and I opened them to the dawn of a new day, a new day for me. Immediately I looked for my phone, knowing I had left it beside my bed as I always did and a panic set in as I saw it wasn’t there. I got on my hands and knees to check under the bed, behind the bedside cabinet. Nothing. Nada.
I stripped the bed, telling myself it would be there, under a pillow or tangled down the covers. It had to be! It had to be somewhere. Unless…
I felt a weight on my chest and I lost my breath. I’d had a nightmare that Nikki had come into my room, filled with hate and rage, and she’d sat on me, debating my life and had come close to ending it, as I had with hers.
I stood up. I looked around the room, all my senses aware and I twitched my nose. She had been here! I could smell her! That had been no nightmare. That bitch had sat on me and made me squirm in a sleep I had no control over. I began to check all my belongings, knowing she would’ve stolen something. She knew then what I had done to Ness, she had found my message but she should have also seen that I spared her first. I could have killed her but I didn’t. I had opened my eyes and let love find me because only love would save us.
I felt Nikki’s pain in my bruised chest. I sat on the edge of my bed and I let myself be overtaken by all the emotions that I could no longer control. I felt the shame for what I had done to that wee lassie, Ness. She hadn’t deserved that and I’d have the guilt eating away at me every day. There was never any thought for getting caught. I either did or I didn’t and if the police in the USA had found their way to me, I’d have smiled and asked them to test my blood against Nikki’s. I had no motive to kill a stranger but Nikki? She was sleeping with Malena and stringing along Ness. I knew who had more motive for that crime.
I smiled. She thought she was so clever. Her little tantrum in my room to let me know I’d gotten to her. I found myself laughing, until tears ran down my face and the tears became a river of sadness that I didn’t know how to end. Tears and sadness are just the endless rivers that seem to run through me.
After a bit, I wiped the snot from my nose, throwing water on my face whilst careful to avoid the reflection in the mirror lest I see an image I didn’t want to see. In my eyes is where fear begins. I don’t want to be scared to live anymore.
I watched the sunset and I let my eyes close, knowing that when I opened them again everything would have changed and I’d be running for flights.
*** *** ***
I woke up in the arrivals lounge of Glasgow Airport and I relaxed, feeling the joy of being on Scottish home turf once more. Sometimes there is nothing that can made a heart jump with joy but knowing your feet are on the ground where you are safe.
I got my case and found a taxi to take me home. I knew Nikki had taken not only my phone but my keys. Freya had a spare set. I felt a bit giddy at the thought of seeing Freya again. I had not expected to return but then, I don’t know what I had expected.
I thought of Freya. I imagined her delight when she opened the door to my knock, her white skin stretching into a smile that illuminated her beautiful face, curtained by her sweeping white hair. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to take the soft skin of her face in my hands and bring her face close to mine. So close I’d never have to let her go.
But I had let her go. I had walked away to save her from the broken heart that loving me would no doubt entail. Wasn’t that t
he best thing I could do for her? To know my love was wrong because love isn’t always right. Love can be the worst thing in the world when two hearts don’t collide.
And yet, and yet…my sorry heart could not stop from imagining a welcome Freya might give me. For her to hold me in her arms might be the acceptance I needed to move on from the hatred that Nikki planted in my heart. Only love can win in a heart frozen with hatred.
As I slipped back into the seat of my taxi, I closed my eyes, knowing this time I could control what I saw. And what I saw was Freya, her white-blonde pigtail centred down her back, waiting for my arms to encompass and hold her tight. I could almost feel the softness of her small breasts pushing into me, a pressure I found myself longing for.
I heard a whisper. A whisper of a life I could have had, a shadow of a dream that might still be possible. An echo of a heartbeat that sounded like a love story.
There’s a way forward for me: a chance to be the person I want to be but…there’s a chance I might end up as Nikki. I clenched my fists against that thought, knowing I was purer, I was worth living for, I was better than her.
I have to be.
And yet, and yet…I am no more nor no less her than I am myself.
I don’t have time for this. I don’t have time. I wait for my time.
*** *** ***
It’s my day. It’s my time to see where home will lead me. In my silly regime, I’ve had to sleep elsewhere before I have the guts to head home and see Freya because I don’t want to see her and then fall away into an uncontrollable sleep.
I felt a smile begin on my face. How often have I felt that?
I remember the first time I saw Helena. She was standing in my Chemistry class, trying to follow instructions that would light a bunsen burner. I’d never looked at anyone before with lust but that was how I had looked at her. I had imagined throwing her onto my bed and ripping her top across her stomach and over her breasts so that I could put my mouth there, right there on her nipples.
