by TW Brown
“They’ve seen some action,” Jon commented as we came to a stop just before the bridge.
“Huh?” I snapped out of my reverie and looked around.
“Lots of tracks in the snow over to the left all down that side of the hill.” Jon pointed.
Well it couldn’t have been any worse than what we dealt with, I thought as I pulled on my hat and gloves. Dr. Zahn was bundling up Misty, mostly since the girl wouldn’t have anything to do with either Jon or me.
“When we get up to the house, you will meet Thalia and Emily,” Dr. Zahn was saying as she zipped the girl’s coat up.
We climbed out and I glanced at the huge makeshift sled that we’d loaded with food that we collected on the way back. As an added bonus, Jon had also dropped a pair of elk that first day after we left behind that nightmare of an outpost. I still could not get over how awful that group had had things when you compared them to us. Of course, if this Mr. Patton was any indication, they didn’t have squat for leadership. He was curled up in the fetal position most of the time and whimpering. Even now, as we were getting out of the Snowcat, he was hunched up so tight that he more fell than climbed out.
I hadn’t taken two steps up the winding trail that would lead to the house when Sunshine came barreling around the corner. At first, I envied Jon. After all, with Melissa being visibly pregnant now, she wasn’t doing anything beyond a brisk walk. That’s why I was more than a little surprised when Sunshine bee-lined for me. Of course that would give Jon some time to prepare an explanation about his hand.
“Oh, Steven, thank God you’re here,” she gasped.
I looked closer and realized that her gasp could be equal parts fatigue from running down to us and choking back tears. My heart skipped a beat as I tried to think as to whether or not I’d actually seen Melissa in that group on the porch awaiting our arrival.
“Just tell me that she is okay,” I blurted. “I can handle it if she lost the baby as long as she is okay.”
Sunshine looked at me for a second as if perhaps she’d gotten the wrong person. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath like she was about to deliver the knock out punch to my heart. I tried to brace myself for it, but I knew that it was useless. This was going to hurt.
“It’s Emily.”
Those words hung in the cold air for a second as if the sub-freezing temperatures had fixed them to the little cloud of condensation that had spewed from her mouth when she spoke.
I guess it took a few seconds for me to react, because all of a sudden, Dr. Zahn was at my side. She had me by the arm for some reason.
“What about Emily?” Dr. Zahn said in a voice barley above a whisper.
“She and the other kids were playing in the snow,” Sunshine started slow, but her words quickly picked up momentum and seemed to be jumbling together in my head. “…place that they always ride the sled. Jake was there and DeAngelo was close by chopping wood. When she screamed, I think we all thought it was just girlish squealing. I think it was Fiona who saw the blood. She was on watch in the tower, so I guess she could actually see right down into the snow—”
“Are you trying to tell me that a zombie made it all the way across the field and to the hill?” Dr. Zahn snapped, cutting Sunshine off so abruptly that her teeth clicked when her mouth shut.
“No,” Sunshine shook her head. “It was under the snow. A creeper.”
Everything fell into place in a bizarre slow motion. When what had been said finally dawned on me, I took off up the hill. By the time I reached the flat parking lot at the top, my lungs were on fire and my head was swimming.
DeAngelo, his wife Melinda, Nickie Bailey, and Doug Coates were all standing on the porch. DeAngelo said something to the others and came down the stairs to meet me. It was at this point that the world seemed to shift into that dream-like quality where my feet were bogged down in quicksand and I moved in slow motion.
“Steve,” DeAngelo said. His deep voice rattled around in my head, and I had this feeling that he was going to try and stop me from going inside.
“I want to see her.” I kept forcing my feet to take step after grueling step.
I remembered back to when I’d thought that Thalia had been bitten. Maybe this would be like that time. Maybe Emily would be fine.
“She is pretty heavily sedated.” DeAngelo made that sound important. For some reason, my brain wasn’t making any of those connections right now.
“I want to see her,” I repeated. By now we’d reached each other in the snow-covered parking lot.
“I’ll take you, but I want you to know that we’ve done everything we can to keep her comfortable.
“When did it happen?” I asked. I wasn’t sure if Sunshine had told me. In fact, now that I was thinking about it, I couldn’t recall one single word that she’d said.
“Late yesterday afternoon.”
I ran through everything in my mind. If we hadn’t stopped at that small town on the way back…if Jon hadn’t gone off for a few hours to bag those elk…if Dr. Zahn hadn’t insisted on stopping to camp so early…if I hadn’t insisted on making this run…
“It wouldn’t have mattered if you’d been here or not,” DeAngelo said as if he’d read my thoughts.
“How could this…” My voice trailed off. I didn’t even know what to ask.
When we reached the porch, I saw the same look in every set of eyes that looked back at me: sorrow. There would be no miracle this time. I was going to lose one of my girls. I had failed Randall Smith.
The sounds of somebody running to catch up with me made my head snap around sharply enough to send a twinge of pain between my shoulders. Dr. Zahn was coming across the parking lot at a speed I don’t think I’d ever seen her display.
“DeAngelo, go help Jon,” she ordered, using that tone that left no room for discussion. “We have supplies and a couple of survivors, including a young girl that may present some problems. They are almost completely incapacitated.”
With that, the doctor and I headed inside.
Melissa was there to greet me. I only had the briefest flash of concern when I didn’t see Thalia. Everybody that hadn’t been on the porch—except for Thalia and the stupid dog…and of course, Emily—was standing around in the huge entry room. As my gaze swept the room, all eyes told the same story.
“Where is she?” I asked. Actually, it took me three tries to get that out of my throat and past my lips.
“In the back room,” Jake said.
My eyes met his and he looked away. I would worry about that later.
Surprisingly, Dr. Zahn let me lead the way. I reached the door and took a deep breath. My vision blurred for a second and I wiped away the tears. That wouldn’t be what she needed right at the moment. I turned the knob and opened the door.
Immediately, the smell hit me. I hadn’t smelled it in such strength since Teresa. What I saw when I entered the room brought an instant lump to my throat.
Thalia’s head turned so slow that I felt like time had suddenly skidded almost to a halt. I only half-noticed Buster’s head lift from the floor as well.
“Emily’s sick, Daddy,” Thalia whispered. “She got bit and her eyes are like the monsters.”
For the briefest of seconds, I was amazed at how much she comprehended about the situation. It was a polar opposite of little Misty.
“Em, are you awake,” I said in a voice barely above a whisper. I could scarcely hear myself say the words, so I have no idea how she heard me, especially in her condition.
“Can’t sleep,” Emily rasped.
I rushed to the bed and took her hands. This time I didn’t even have to think about hiding the odd revulsion that comes from taking a person’s hands who is in the throes of the latter stages of infection. I didn’t feel the cold clamminess. All I felt were Emily’s tiny, slender fingers.
“Didn’t want to sleep until you got home,” Emily continued after clamping down on her teeth to keep them from chattering. “I was ascared that I would beco
me like my daddy before you got home.”
“Well I’m here now, sweetie.” I brushed a sweaty clump of her fine, dark hair from her forehead. The heat radiating from her face made my hand tingle.
“I’m sorry, Daddy Steve,” Emily whispered.
I brushed the tears that started flowing from her eyes and cupped her face in my hands. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Em.”
“But who is gonna be Thalia’s big sister now? Who is gonna help show her how to take care of the baby when Melissa has it?”
“Let’s not worry about that,” I whispered, kissing her on the forehead.
I felt a vice-like grip clamp down on my shoulder. Glancing up, I saw Dr. Zahn staring down at me with concern. She made a slight but curt shake of her head. I raised my eyebrows in concern and question.
“We have no way of being certain about the vectors of contamination. She is sweating profusely,” the doctor hissed.
“So?” I didn’t understand at first.
“Bodily fluids,” the doctor reminded.
Teresa had died, not from having been bit, but from having sex with somebody who had. He’d shown immunity, but apparently that didn’t matter. Of course, looking back, it had seemed so obvious. We already knew that even if a person was immune, if they were bitten and eventually died, they turned.
“Thalia?” I heard Melissa whisper behind me. “Why don’t you come get some rest now that your daddy is home.” It was a statement more than a question. “He can sit with Emily for a while and then you can come right back after you wake up.”
“Is Daddy gonna have to kill Emily?”
That question smashed into my heart with all the force of a bullet. I glanced down at Emily to see her reaction, but her eyes were closed. For a brief moment, I felt like the monster that Misty saw when she looked at me. I knew right then that it would have to be me that took care of Emily at the end. Who else was there?
I didn’t hear Melissa’s response as the door shut, but it didn’t matter. I took a few deep breaths and tried to clear my head. In that moment, I was hit with another revelation of just how secluded Misty had been kept by those she travelled with, and I was angry. The problem being, I didn’t know exactly who to be angry at.
On one hand, we had Thalia who was more than aware of what was going on in the world around her. At age five, I think she was more aware of her situation than the one adult we’d rescued, Mr. Patton—
“The other survivors!” I blurted. In all the craziness of our arrival, I had completely forgotten about the people Jon, Jake, and Jesus had brought back with them.
“Umm…” Dr. Zahn seemed at a loss, which was very uncommon. “Come to think of it, I didn’t see a single one of them when we came in. It was all the same familiar faces.”
“You want to check on that?” I asked. “I will sit with Emily. Besides, I want a few moments with just her.”
The doctor headed for the door, but paused and turned to face me with a very grim expression. “I mean what I said to you earlier, Steve. We don’t have enough information to rule out any transmission vectors. I know that you don’t want to do anything that would leave Melissa and Thalia to go on without you. In fact, I know that you want to hold and touch her, but I have to insist that you put on gloves.”
“Jesus,” I growled. “Have a little bit of a heart, would ya?”
“I do, Steve,” the doctor whispered. “And my heart has to be with the living. You have a child on the way, a wife, and a little girl. I need you to keep your head.”
I wanted to say something…anything. But she was painfully correct. The only thing that I could do was nod…and put on a pair of Latex gloves from the nearby box. I waited for her to leave before I turned back to Emily who appeared to be sleeping.
“I won’t ever leave your side, Emily,” I whispered.
“Not even to go to the bathroom?” she mumbled.
I looked down in shocked surprise to see the tiniest of smiles on her lips. I took her hand. “Well, I guess for that,” I answered. That little quip made my heart feel like at least one or two turns had been taken off of the vice that currently threatened to squeeze it flat.
“Okay, because I wouldn’t want you in here if you are using the toilet.”
“I thought you were asleep,” I said, changing the subject.
“I keep my eyes closed because everybody stares at them when they are open,” Emily said matter-of-factly. “I hate how sad they all look.”
“So, how are you feeling?” I guess I had to ask the stupid questions.
“Like my body is floating…but my brain feels funny.”
“Funny how?”
“It won’t think about anything.” I saw her brow furrow slightly. I knew that she was trying to express something, but couldn’t find the right words.
“So how about the bite? Does it hurt?”
“Sometimes, but if I start to even breathe funny, Sunshine gives me another dose of that gross tasting medicine.”
“Yeah…” I remembered back to my own recent bout with being incapacitated. “It was pretty grody stuff.”
“Grody?” Emily asked.
“That is a word we used to say about something bad.”
“Like when you say groovy or rad?” Emily asked with seriousness.
I had always been impressed with how bright she was. Is, dammit! I scolded myself. She isn’t dead yet!
“Yeah, like that,” I agreed.
“I like that word. It sounds like the medicine tastes,” Emily decided.
“So why don’t you go ahead and open your eyes, sweetie,” I urged. “I won’t stare.”
“Promise?” I heard a very tentative lilt in her tone.
“I promise.”
She opened her eyes and I did everything in my power not to react outwardly. Still, inside I could feel that vice tighten again, and this time, I was almost certain that it would not stop until my heart was completely crushed.
“Don’t cry,” Emily whispered.
I hadn’t even realized that the tears had begun to flow until she said something. I guess maybe I thought that my eyes were simply trying to live up to the promise that my stupid mouth had made. I leaned down, but her hands planted themselves in the middle of my chest with a surprising firmness.
“Dr. Zahn said you can’t,” she said, shaking her head.
“But—” I start to protest, but Emily cut me off.
“You have to take care of Thalia and Melissa…and the new baby.” Her voice caught a little on that last bit and a tear trickled down her cheek. With one Latex-sheathed finger, I wiped the tear away.
“I will take care of them, Emily, but you…” I was at a loss. What do I say to a child that is completely aware that she is dying within the next day or so?
“I don’t want to die,” Emily whispered.
The words “I know” sprung to my lips, but I bit them down. What could I possibly say to this child that would bring her any comfort? I looked down into her eyes, trying not to focus on those dark squiggles that signaled her demise, and I had absolutely nothing to say.
“Will you stay with me at the end?” Emily asked. I knew what she meant, and I also knew that I had to be the one.
“I will,” I agreed with a nod.
“Then you should go out there and see everybody,” Emily said, taking my hand. “Besides, I need Sunshine to come give me more medicine.”
“Are you starting to hurt?”
She nodded and I got up, but her grip on my hand tightened. “I’m glad you were my daddy and I got to be Thalia’s sister…even for just a little while.”
I left the room, but before I could even get the door open, my eyes were so full of tears that I could hardly see through the blur. Somebody grabbed my arm and I looked down to see Billy.
“How is she?” he asked.
“Not good.” The words sounded weak, but how else could I describe her.
“I got that dress that Ian snagged for her birthday
for when…” Billy’s words trailed off. He finally just nodded his head and walked away.
If this is what it was going to be like, I would go absolutely crazy. I realized that everybody was grieving, we all felt this loss. Perhaps it was less for the newest members of our group, but the bottom line was that all of us felt this one in some way. Maybe it was because she was a child…who knew? But the bottom line was that this would hit even harder than the loss of Teresa and Jamie for the group as a whole.
To me, it was going to come down to dealing with the feeling that I had failed. Her father had entrusted his little girl to me because he believed that I would protect and watch over her. There was no way to see it other than a personal failure.
Why did I feel the need to leave the camp? Why did I have to go out there and leave behind those that I was supposed to protect? Well, from now on, things would be different.
I had been chosen to lead these people for whatever reason. If I was going to do that, then I needed to be here to take care of the daily grind. It wasn’t about being a hero, or “doing my part” when it came to the care of the people here. I could accomplish all of that from this location. A true leader had to know when and how to delegate authority. At some point, I guess I had come to some conclusion that my hands needed to get dirty.
“Steve?” Melissa snapped me out of it and back to the present.
I hugged her close, realizing that I had come home and not done something that I’d been wanting and needing for the last few days. I felt Thalia’s tiny arms wrap around my leg, so I bent down and scooped her up. The three of us stood huddled for a few seconds. My eyes scanned the room until I found Sunshine. She was with Jon and seemed to be examining Mr. Patton.
“Sunshine,” I called across the room. “Emily says that she needs her medicine.” I almost felt sorry for Mr. Patton with the way Sunshine just dropped what she was doing and jogged across the room and disappeared behind the door to attend Emily.
“I don’t like that new girl,” Thalia whispered.
“Thalia!” Melissa scolded. “That’s not nice.”
“She acts funny,” Thalia insisted, holding her ground.
