She gave him a grudging smile and his spirits soared for a moment before the complexities of the situation hit him. He’d done what he’d set out to do and had stopped her driving off, but what should he do now? He still hadn’t cleared the air properly and he really needed to do that, only this wasn’t the best time when Kristy was waiting in the car for him.
He came to a swift decision, prompted by necessity rather than choice. If the circumstances had been different, he would have suggested that they find some place quiet where they could talk. However, being a father meant he had responsibilities and it wasn’t possible to do that.
‘I’ve just been to the fish-and-chip shop for our supper. I always buy far too much so why don’t you come back home with us?’ He grinned at her, wanting to reassure her in case she still had doubts about his motives. ‘Apart from the fact it will prove that you’ve forgiven me for poking my nose into your affairs, Kristy will get the chance to meet you. She’s waiting in the car for me right now, as it happens.’
‘I don’t know if I should…’ Helen glanced across the road and he could sense her indecision when she saw the little girl. ‘We’ve said everything that needs to be said.’
‘I know. But I just want to make sure that everything is sorted out.’ He treated her to his most engaging smile. ‘We can eat our supper while I apologise again, and if that isn’t a big enough inducement, I’ll see if I can rustle up a slice of humble pie for afters!’
She laughed at that, a lilting sound that did horrendous things to his composure. Images suddenly began to flicker behind his eyes, pictures of him and Helen sitting close together on his sofa—laughing, kissing…
No!
He dragged his mind back from such a tempting path and piled on the pressure. They desperately needed to resolve their differences if they were to work together. ‘Kristy will be really upset if you refuse. She’s been longing to meet you ever since we got here.’
Helen sighed. ‘You can be very persuasive when you want to be, Lewis. If I don’t agree, I’ll feel guilty about refusing to meet her.’
‘So is that a yes?’
‘Yes, all right.’ She slid the key into the ignition then looked up at him. ‘I’ll follow you back, shall I?’
‘Yes. Fine. Great.’
He stood up abruptly and went back to his car. It was just a five-minute drive to Mill Cottage and it wasn’t nearly long enough to calm himself down. As he drew up in front of the house, he could feel his heart pounding inside his chest—bang, bang, bang. Like a steamhammer working overtime. He knew he was right to try to resolve this issue between him and Helen, but he hadn’t considered the repercussions it could have. When she’d looked at him just now he’d seen such yearning in her eyes that it had woken an answering need inside him.
He knew how easy it would be to give in to these feelings but it would be the wrong thing to do. He could never give Helen what she really needed. He couldn’t offer her a future because he’d promised that to Kristy and he would never let his daughter down.
CHAPTER FIVE
‘CAN I do anything to help?’
Helen looked around the kitchen, wondering if she’d been mad to accept Lewis’s invitation. He’d already apologised for his interference so why had she let him persuade her to come back to his home? Was it really so important that she got to know his daughter?
Her gaze moved to the little girl and she felt her heart ache in a way it hadn’t done for ages. She’d thought she’d reconciled herself to never having a child of her own yet she couldn’t help feeling wistful as she watched Kristy arrange the cutlery on the table. There’d been a huge gap in her life since the twins had left home, but she mustn’t make the mistake of seeing Kristy as a substitute for them.
The thought startled her. Lewis had never even hinted that he would welcome her help in caring for his daughter so she had no idea where it had sprung from. It was hard to hide her dismay when he glanced round.
‘Could you fetch the glasses?’ He pointed to the huge old Welsh dresser at the far end of the room. ‘We use the ones on the top shelf and Kristy can’t reach them, can you, poppet?’
‘No.’
The little girl didn’t look up when he spoke to her. Helen frowned as she went to the dresser and took three brightly patterned glass tumblers off the shelf. It wasn’t unusual for a child that age to be shy around strangers, but Kristy’s response to her father had been strangely subdued since they’d got back to the house. Helen couldn’t fault the way Lewis had spoken to her—every word had been laced with affection. Yet not once had he received any kind of positive reaction and it bothered Helen in a way she couldn’t explain.
‘We’re just about ready…Oops! I forgot the ketchup. Silly me.’ Lewis grinned at his daughter as he set the plates on the table. ‘We can’t have fish and chips without tomato ketchup, can we, sweetie?’
‘No.’
Once again his question was met with a single-word answer, and Helen’s unease deepened. As she sat down at the table, she couldn’t help wondering if Lewis realised how odd it was for a child to act this way. He’d admitted during his interview that it had been a shock to discover that he was a father so maybe he thought it was normal behaviour.
‘Salt, vinegar, ketchup…I think that’s it now so tuck in.’ He took his seat, smiling at her across the table. ‘Friday night is take-away night so that’s my excuse for a calorie-laden meal. The rest of the week we try to be good, don’t we, Kristy?’
‘Uh-huh.’
The little girl kept her eyes on her plate and Helen frowned. There was definitely something odd going on, although she wasn’t sure what exactly it was.
‘This is a real treat for me,’ she said, addressing the little girl to see if she could get a reaction from her. ‘Normally, I’m very strict with myself and stick to all the healthy things you’re supposed to eat. Lots of fruit and vegetables—things like that.’
‘That’s what my mommy eats,’ Kristy said, glancing shyly at her. ‘She said that if she’d gotten fat then Joe wouldn’t love her any more.’
Helen wasn’t sure what to say in reply and glanced at Lewis for guidance. Her heart sank when she saw the pain on his face. It was obvious the comment had upset him, although she had no idea why. Unless he was jealous at the thought of Kristy’s mother wanting to look nice for another man?
It was difficult to hide how dismayed she felt by that idea but she knew it would be wrong to let him know the effect it had had on her. She didn’t look in his direction as she smiled at Kristy again. ‘Most women like to look nice. I know I do so that’s one of the reasons why I don’t eat fish and chips very often. But they are delicious as a treat, aren’t they?’
‘I like pizza best.’ Kristy gave her the ghost of a smile. ‘With pepperoni sausage on it.’
‘Oh, yum! So do I. And lots of cheese.’ Helen patted her tummy. ‘Scrummy!’
Kristy burst out laughing. ‘That’s a funny word.’
‘What? Scrummy?’ Helen dunked a chip into the puddle of ketchup on the side of her plate. ‘It means all lovely and delicious, doesn’t it, Lewis?’
She deliberately included him in the conversation because it would appear more normal if she did so. Her heart jolted once again when she saw the pain that lingered in his eyes before he made an obvious effort to collect himself.
‘That’s right. It’s a great word, too. Did you have a word like it to describe the things you liked when you were living in Miami, darling?’
‘Can’t remember.’
Kristy’s face closed up as she bent over her plate again. Helen looked at Lewis in surprise but he just shrugged. They finished their supper but even though he kept up a lively conversation about the highs and lows of moving from the city, she could hear the strain in his voice. It bothered her so much that as soon as Kristy had been despatched to the sitting-room to watch a cartoon, she asked him what was going on.
‘Where do I begin?’ he said ruefully, gathering togeth
er their dirty plates to take them to the sink.
‘The beginning is usually the best place,’ she replied lightly, picking up the glasses. Turning on the tap, she filled the washing-up bowl with hot water.
‘You don’t have to do the dishes. You’re supposed to be our guest.’
‘Washing a few dishes isn’t going to kill me.’ She added a squirt of detergent to the water then plunged the glasses into the suds. ‘So what’s wrong with Kristy?’
‘I wish I knew. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get her to open up but she just clams up.’ He picked up a teatowel and started to dry the dishes. ‘Tonight was the first time I’ve heard her mention her mother and it was you she spoke to about Tessa, not me.’
‘Sorry.’ Helen sighed. ‘I didn’t mean to step on your toes.’
You didn’t—just the opposite, in fact.’ He tossed the teatowel onto the counter in a fit of impatience. ‘Kristy needs to talk about what happened in Miami. I know that and I’ve also been told it by the experts I’ve consulted.’
‘Experts?’ she repeated in surprise.
‘Yes. I was worried about how I would fare when I brought Kristy back to England so I had a word with one of the child psychologists at St Leona’s. I’d never had much to do with kids before Kristy came into my life and I wanted to know how best to deal with any problems she might have, settling down in a new country.’ He grimaced. ‘Rather naïve of me to think it was that simple, wasn’t it? The psychologist explained there are no hard-and-fast rules in a situation like this. He advised me to talk to her about her past experiences, but she clams up whenever I mention Tessa.’
‘Have you thought of taking her to see someone…another child psychologist, I mean?’
‘Yes, I’ve thought about it. She did receive counselling while she was in care but I was told it didn’t achieve very much. She wouldn’t talk about what had happened to her, and refused to speak about her mother.’ He sighed. ‘I know that we need to deal with the problem but I’m not sure if sending her for counselling again is the right thing to do at the moment. She’s painfully shy with strangers and it would mean putting her through another ordeal. Basically, I’m just feeling my way and taking each day as it comes.’
‘It can’t be easy for you, though,’ she said softly, and he sighed.
‘I think frustrated sums up how I feel most of the time. I just can’t seem to get through to her. It’s as though she’s put up this wall and I’m on one side and she’s on the other. As I said, tonight was the first time she’s mentioned Tessa. And to hear her speak about Tessa in the same breath as that man…!’
He broke off, obviously not wanting to vent his anger in front of her. Helen’s heart sank because it seemed she’d been right in her assessment. Lewis was jealous at the thought of Tessa and the other man, and for some reason it was upsetting to see the proof of it now.
Picking up the teatowel, she briskly dried her hands, refusing to dwell on the idea. Lewis’s problems weren’t her concern any more than her problems were his. ‘Thank you for supper. It was very kind of you to invite me,’ she began, only he didn’t allow her to finish.
‘You’re not leaving already? You’ve not had a cup of coffee yet.’
He picked up the kettle, edging her aside so he could fill it from the tap. Helen felt a ripple of heat run up her arm when his shoulder brushed against hers and bit her lip. The last thing she needed was this kind of complication. Apart from the fact that they were colleagues, Lewis had his daughter to worry about and she had…what?
Her mind raced as she tried to come up with a reason why she shouldn’t get to know him better but she couldn’t think of anything. She was over the age of consent and single so nobody would think it was wrong if she started dating again. It had been two years since Ian had died so it wasn’t as though she could be accused of rushing into anything. Even the twins had hinted that it was time she got on with her life so what was stopping her?
She took a deep breath because it was a lot to contend with. The fact that she’d even considered going out with another man had been a huge step. However, the most shocking thing of all was realising that it was Lewis she wanted to go out with. Was she completely crazy? Or just very, very lonely?
‘Help yourself to some more coffee. I won’t be long—ten minutes max. This little lady is almost asleep on her feet!’
Lewis cringed when he heard the falsely jovial note in his voice but it was better than letting Helen know how he was really feeling. He ushered Kristy to the door, pausing when Helen said softly behind him, ‘I really should go. You must have loads of things to do….’
‘I haven’t,’ he replied brusquely, cursing himself when he saw her start of surprise. He summoned a smile, hoping it would disguise his urgency to keep her there. Maybe it was silly but he didn’t want to sit here on his own, thinking about all the mistakes he’d made. He knew it wasn’t his fault that Kristy had grown up without him, but he would never forgive himself for what she’d suffered after Tessa had died. Just thinking about the way that guy…Joe…had abandoned her made him want to do something desperate, only it wouldn’t help if he lost his sense of proportion. Hopefully, Helen could help him restore it.
It was alarming to realise that he was depending on her to see him through this difficult time and he hurried on. ‘The only things I have to do are all the boring jobs, like putting another load of washing into the machine. I’m certainly not in a rush to get them done!’
‘In that case, I’ll stay a bit longer.’ She smiled at him. ‘I’ll feel guilty if I abandon you to such a dire fate.’
‘A true friend,’ he replied lightly.
He closed the sitting-room door and followed Kristy up the stairs. He’d let her choose which bedroom she’d wanted when they’d moved in and, unsurprisingly, she’d chosen one at the back. She had a perfect view of the paddock from her window and he smiled when she immediately ran over to it.
‘Is the horse still there?’ he asked, turning back the quilt.
‘Yes.’
She shot a last wistful glance at the object of her affections then obediently came back and climbed into bed. Lewis sighed as she lay down without a murmur. He couldn’t help wishing that he’d had to nag or cajole her. All of a sudden he remembered what he and Helen had discussed that morning about Kristy having riding lessons. Maybe that would help to draw her out of her shell?
‘You really love that horse, don’t you, sweetheart, so how would you like to learn to ride?’
‘Ride?’ she repeated, staring up at him with huge brown eyes that were the image of her mother’s.
Lewis knew that the memory of Tessa had dimmed with time, and it made him feel guilty whenever he was reminded of her. In a way, he wished he could feel more—actually grieve for her—because it might have helped him understand how Kristy was feeling. However, time had taken away any feelings he’d had for her so that all he felt now was sorrow at the waste of her life.
‘Daddy?’
He quickly returned his attention to his daughter when he heard the excitement in her voice. It was such a shock to hear her sounding so animated that it was hard not to show how thrilled he felt. ‘Yes, sweetie?’
‘Did you really mean it about me learning to ride?’
‘Of course I did. You like the idea, do you?’
‘Oh, yes!’
His heart swelled when he saw the happiness on her face. She looked like a completely different child and he had to stop himself leaping up and shouting for joy. ‘Then I’ll see if I can book some lessons for you,’ he said sedately.
He kissed her on the cheek, not wanting to spoil things by hugging her, as he longed to do, and it was another wonderful surprise when he felt her small arms suddenly wind around his neck. Lewis felt his throat close up with emotion as he gave her a gentle hug then stood up before he committed the sin of clinging to her.
‘Night-night. Sleep tight…’
‘Mind the bugs don’t bite,’ she finis
hed for him, and the tears really did flow then because it was another first.
He closed the bedroom door then stood on the landing while he tried to compose himself. Helen was downstairs and he didn’t want her to see how moved he was by what had happened. However, when he went back to the sitting-room, it was immediately apparent that she’d noticed something had changed. He sank down onto a chair and let his head fall back against the cushions, knowing it was pointless pretending.
‘Kristy just hugged me.’
‘And it was the first time it had happened?’ she said astutely.
‘How did you guess?’ His tone was wry and she laughed softly.
‘Because I’m too nosy for my own good, I expect.’
‘Nosy?’ He sat up and stared at her in surprise.
‘Mmm.’ She gave a little shrug as she reached for her coffee-cup but he could tell that she was embarrassed. ‘I was watching you and Kristy tonight and I couldn’t help noticing that she avoided making eye contact with you. Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘Why not when it’s true?’ He sank back against the cushions again, feeling a rush of heat flow through him at the thought of her watching him. It was an effort to keep his thoughts centred but this was more important than anything else. ‘As I explained before, Kristy has been very distant towards me since I brought her back from Miami. It’s not surprising when she had no real idea who I was, but I can’t deny that it’s been worrying me.’
‘Which is why tonight has been such a boost. What happened to make her respond to you now?’
‘I asked her if she’d like to have riding lessons.’ His throat closed up again at the memory of his daughter’s excitement. It truly had been a red-letter occasion, one that he would remember for the rest of his life.
‘I’m really pleased for you.’ Helen smiled as she put her cup on the table. ‘I know how hard it must have been for you. I went through a similar experience with the twins. They were younger than Kristy when I arrived on the scene so that made it a bit easier, but it took me a long time to gain their trust. The one thing I can say is that it was worth the effort.’
In His Loving Care Page 6
