Drafts of a Suicide Note

by Wong, Mandy-Suzanne

  So he didn’t let it show that he was mad enough to want to call Mrs T “a nosy dirty-fingered pond frog.” He didn’t tell Dr E that what her momma did wrecked a bunch of strangers’ mixed-up lives & destroyed my beloved genius. He didn’t wag his finger & inform Dr E that her 80-something-yr-old momma was part of a den of thieves & an extortionist who drove her poor tenant to “drastic & foolhardy criminal behavior.” He felt no matter how much evidence he uncovered, he’d find it impossible to expose the truth anyway. He kept that to himself too.

  He said, “Your mother is with God. Pray for her. A lot.”

  That’s all. Course Dr E’s not stupid, just confused & (said Martin) “full of undefined guilt.” She sensed that he knew more & wanted him to share it: “CAM sent two top executives to my mother’s funeral when I wouldn’t spare the time. They sent their son [K] to learn what she was about. Whereas when she was alive, she tried to tell me & I wouldn’t listen.”

  Martin was sympathetic to Dr E but refused to give her any details of his investigation. It’s off-record anyway. He didn’t tell her that either.

  “She really did die of a stroke. I checked,” I said.

  Honey didn’t ask what I meant by “checked.” His mouth moved, his voice didn’t. Poor sight. I asked him (again) why he continued to investigate at all. He said a lot remained at stake.

  He said (I kid you not), “How else am I going to get to know you?”

  What’s a wife supposed to say to that? My husband was miserable. But well, I was miserabler.

  “Do you realize what this means? (Martin’s panicky little chuckle gave me not-nice goosebumps.) All this nonsense stemmed from a bored old lady’s meddling. All of this, that’s all it boils down to, just a meaningless, misguided—”

  “No Martin, that’s not true.”

  Martin hasn’t read what Kenji wrote, what Aetna wrote, what I wrote, Martin hasn’t seen my book. But if he had, he’d know why I can’t believe all we’ve been thru is just “nonsense.” Guess Baby did mention the “meaninglessness of suffering” according to his favorite dead white Brit. But thinking about that “meaninglessness” & thinking about Kenji, Kenji’s family, what Kenji did & what it cost him, I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t let those words in. Honey tried to argue about “purpose” & “waste” (not like him, too philosophical!) but I had to cut him off: “I disagree, Martin, & that’s it. Look, I’m sorry, it’s not your fault, but I’m got no more tears in me right now, it’s not that I don’t want to talk, but…tomorrow, all right, Honey?”

  “But I’m not finished,” said Martin. Like a little scream.

  “Keep your voice down.” I turned to go & close the bathroom door.

  Guess Martin thought my turning was trying to say something, I don’t know. I don’t know what the frig I was thinking at that point, but I went down the hall & Martin followed me. He didn’t know poor K was in the bathroom. He grabbed my hand & spun me (I mean Martin).

  “Nabilah, when are you coming home?”

  & he didn’t keep his voice down. He was distraught.

  “You just asked me that yesterday. No, this morning,” I whispered. Frantic & stupid.

  “Yes, well, I want to know,” not-whispered Martin.

  “Well Honey, I don’t know, I mean, he’s—”

  “Then I’ll stay here. We can both stay until he—”

  “Martin,” I said.

  Midnight in that apartment & I was a hopeless mess. I heard Kenji turn on the water in the jacuzzi.

  “Martin, you really still want me?”

  “Of course I do. I love you, & you know it.”

  He had my hand, he had my arms. My elbows. Around my waist. My husband. I stared at him like the most vacant-headed ninny that Superman ever plucked out of the flames. He drew me close.

  “For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the God he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”

  I am a selfish woman.

  I am silly & weak.

  I am a hot air balloon goin shru de trees.

  I thought I wanted to be free like the air.

  Sometimes what I think just isn’t the main thing. I guess I never really appreciated that.

  I absolutely meant to bawl some more & beg for comfort. But when I went in the bathroom, I didn’t see Kenji.

  I saw water.

  Water turning the floor into an ocean. Water pouring out in waterfalls like when the ocean fills a crater in a reef & then escapes.

  I saw Kenji’s hands. Curling at the edge of the jacuzzi. Pushing, pushing up to push his body down into the water. & he was weak enough, it wouldn’t take much, all he had to do was breathe while he was underwater. I couldn’t even scream, I was just thinking WATER, & I think I saw him do it, I saw the water sort of convulse & I plunged in & I grabbed him, my Kenji, my love all my life, he fought me, he resisted me! We thrashed, we banged the tub & faucets, I ended up grabbing his hair, his chin, hauling like CRAZY till I pulled Kenji’s head & arms & shoulders clear out of the water & he hung over the edge, water gushing out of him. I grabbed his armpit so he couldn’t sink, I turned off all the faucets, I pounded Kenji in the back with my 2 fists while Kenji hacked & heaved the water out. & while I pounded I was screeching like a madwoman.

  “ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT KENJI?!”

  “Go! If you ever gave a flying fuck about me!”

  “NO I WON’T GO KENJI!!”

  “Please! You will anyway. You have to. You promised him, I know you did, & I can’t do it anymore!”

  Selfish woman.

  Martin drew me close. I mean before. Out in the hallway. I put my hand on his chest. I said, “I need to think. I need some time.”

  I think that’s when the real bad feeling started. Cuz I prbly knew deep down: time’s exactly what I didn’t have. Martin & I were right outside the flippin bathroom, & he (I mean Martin) never did get around to whispering. He cried, “How much time, how long?” & I thought of Kenji falling for how many years. The bad feeling was a chill behind my eyes & in my throat.

  “Can you be patient, Honey?” I mewed. I steered him gently toward the front door.

  “But what’s to think about? I don’t, I mean, I guess…all right.”

  He wilted. Martin never wilts.

  “Thanks, Honey, thank you so much. Now go on home, OK? I’ve gotta check.”

  I turned & left my husband to let himself out. & while poor Martin ran blindly into the night (I found the front door hanging open later), poor Kenji went in the water, the water rushed into him, & I plunged into the water, I ripped the drain plug out, ripped off my wedding ring, my engagement ring, I threw them in the water, the water falling away, my rings ran down the drain with all the water. & I said, “Look!” & I said, “LOOK!”

  Kenji looked at the water tumbling down the hole. I grabbed his head & turned it, I felt myself cracking.

  “Kenji, come back, come now, come quick!”

  “Why did you do that? You shouldn’t have done that. Why did you do that, Nabi?”

  “Cuz I wanna live!” I wailed.

  “But Martin.”

  “Sent him home.”

  “But he’s your family, he’d take care of you. I can’t. I can’t do anything.”

  “Yes you can. You’re my safe place, Kenji.”

  “You don’t even know me.”

  “Yes I do. I love you.”

  “But what does that mean? We keep lying about who we are, we don’t know, I don’t know who you are, if all we know is that we’re liars maybe nothing we say means anything ever. Even if what you said means something, it doesn’t solve anything, I mean LOOK AT ME!! & what if it doesn’t mean anything?!!” Mercy, he was shrieking.

  “But you know it’s true. Even if we never said it, we wou
ld know it’s true. I know you know that, Kenji.” I made him look in my eyes. I had a clamp-grip round his underarm & the back of his neck, I risked one hand. I touched his cheek.

  He dropped his head. So I couldn’t see his face no more, only his dripping curls, his shoulders shaking.

  & then he gave a racking cry of rage cuz he knew that what I said was true & even suicidal courage might just have to cave to it. The cry left him panting with defeated little moans, it left my insides twisted up & scarred.

  But I held the back of his neck as tight as I dared, I said, “You’re right just loving by itself don’t fix nothing. But don’t it mean we’re strong enough to take a shot at getting better? We gotta trust it, Baby, trust each other, not lie anymore.”

  Soaked & shuddering & wheezing, I mean both of us. Kenji didn’t lift his head, didn’t pull away either. & then his smashed-up voice:

  “Not out of pity, Nabi.”

  “No, Kenji.”

  “& I mean, you’ll stay?”

  “I’ll stay.”

  “Meaning like you won’t leave?” Almost screaming again.

  “I won’t leave, Kenji.”

  “Don’t do it just to keep me here.”

  “How about cuz life without you never existed for me & never will. No more falling, Kenji. Hold onto me.”

  Now he let me lift his head. I’ll never forget that look, Kenji looking at me like he couldn’t process what he was seeing, my beautiful broken genius. I felt the crack in me break open into zillions of cracks. Then I was a bawling heap of rubble in Kenji’s lap in the jacuzzi, kimono & all, my Kenji sobbing violently into my shoulder as the water tumbled down the drain, so much lost time.

  A ring’s just a symbol. A seriously expensive symbol but just a symbol. Martin hasn’t called today. Prbly still bleeding from last night. Nobody from Kenji’s family called either, & that gets to me. I keep hearing Mrs C say that impossible thing to him, I know my family would’ve tied up all the airwaves with apologies. I worry what it’s doing to K inside, but he hasn’t mentioned it.

  I’m the one he’s worried about. Sometimes Baby looks at me like he’s not sure he’s not looking at a ghost.

  But when he feels bad, he reaches for me on purpose. He let me talk him into sipping water too.

  I don’t know what I’ll do later. Trying not to think about it.

  A new day was almost gone when I woke up. Fresh sheets, clean PJs, Kenji’s head on my shoulder. & I know my Baby’s breathing, I know how it feels to hold him when he’s fast asleep, & right then that feeling was better than anything I’d ever felt, I even cried, it was so good. Then I tried pretending this was any other Monday, maybe the Queen’s Birthday so we could stay in bed.

  But my Love had a week-old beard. Totally not like Kenji. I woke up cuz he sighed & it tickled. He’d lost weight, under his eyes were the salt traces of tears. My rings weren’t on the nightstand where I put them.

  No, this wasn’t just any Monday (or Wednesday or whatever it is). This was the 1st day after Kenji, my Love who wanted to die cuz of me, ended up having to choose to live. Also cuz of me. That’s not something you can just sleep thru. & the black fuzz on his face reminded me how fragile Baby’s always been. Just a little brush by time changes the whole shape & texture & color of his face every single day.

  So! This acegirl had things to do. Didn’t know what they were, but I knew they couldn’t wait. Baby kept on sleeping when I slipped out. I did some mopping in the bathroom, but halfway thru what I was doing I zoomed to the kitchen, grabbed everything that’s sharp, all the knives & forks & the thing that spins inside the blender, & then Aetna Simmons’ HD clone popped up in the spoon drawer! Mercy, I’d forgotten all about it, I dashed around the kitchen trying to figure out where to put it, I hid it in the most unlikely place. My heart kicking up a racket, I zoomed to the living room & locked the cutlery in the secret cabinet that used to have the drugs in it. I in’t writing where I put the key, so duneenwurrywifit! I zoomed thru all the other rooms prowling for stuff that hurts, stashing a letter opener, a stapler, all our razors. I stood in the hallway fanning myself with my hand. I wracked my brain for stuff to batten down or purge. Like my blood was all up in my head & on the run.

  I don’t know what made me think of BHS. For a while there (2 weeks-ish?) it was like I’d forgot my “enterprise” existed! I zoomed around looking for my phone, found it in the hallway in a corner on the floor. Wayneesha burst into tears & I did too.

  I said Kenji’s real sick, I said hospital sick, I said I can’t leave him, today’s only his 3rd day home. Wayn said the psychiatrist said no, abortion’s illegal without a yes from a psychiatrist, & what with the high-tension adrenaline zooming around in me I found myself promising to lend her $ to go to NY for a weekend, find a clinic, & do what she had to do if it was really what she wanted, but she had to step up to the plate for us.

  “Interim Manager. Dr Caines says you can do it.” Baby hadn’t said that, but he’d written something like it. Wayn jumped at it of course. “Don’t you let us down now, acegirl. Now look, I gotta go.” I heard a swish from the bedroom.

  “Wait, Mrs Furbert, tell Dr Caines we’re praying for him, see? Bryan just came in & you know how I write down what you say, so he saw. He says he’s gonna light a candle at his church.”

  If anybody’s up there looking at candles, I’d just as soon “They” keep “Their” hands off my Baby, considering how well “They’ve” done for him so far. I didn’t say that. I said a nice thank you.

  The swish was Kenji turning over in the bed, looking for me. I tried to keep regret & fear out of our long look. Baby couldn’t manage that no more, keeping stuff out. So even the way we kissed had changed. Cuz now I knew he’d never kissed me without regret & fear, I had to make each touch more reassuring & steady, more complicated than I love you desperately, please stay!, which (face it, acegirl) when I lay down & kissed my lifelong love, was really all I could think of. Kenji let me do it, Kenji kissed me back at last! But he whispered, “I can’t ask you anything now. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

  I knew the thing he meant. Thinking about it made me panicky again. (CHECK: bug spray, cleaning fluids, hide keys for bike & car, anything that could be rope.) Baby didn’t mean we need anyone to tell us it’s OK to love each other, he meant he’s too afraid to ask me to count on him for the future. Too afraid of himself. Cuz he’s not counting on himself! I kissed him in a panicky way that I knew would freak him out eventually. So we cut it out. Kenji slept. & I thought, holding him: How did we get so afraid?

  Maybe it wasn’t fair, but I homed in on Aetna Simmons.

  “Aetna Simmons.” The idea that wasn’t an actual girl that gave Kenji the “courage” to leave me forever, to face the pain & terror of dying & whatever (maybe nothing!) comes after that, & killed his courage for doing anything else, even thinking about the future.

  “Aetna Simmons.” The actual human who legally in’t got that name no more, who’s gone off traipsing God knows where, she did that to my Baby by choosing the words she chose, selling them like she did, & not hanging around to answer for it when the chips were down. Instead she talked me into making her an “Unsolved Mystery,” luring my delicate Love into her clutches long after she’d quit caring whatever the Hell happened to whoever got in her clutches! I bet she don’t even know you can get “Heart Failure From Physical & Emotional Stress During Opioid Withdrawal” (!!!!!!). Bet if she knew, she wouldn’t care.

  Sometimes I think I should call the FBI. Or whatever. But that’s stupid. Healing’s more important. Getting Kenji to want the living kind of courage. His eyes half-opened (not for long) cuz he felt how my touch changed when that girl got in my head. & I thought all in a flash: I’m gotta throw away that weapon too, I’m gotta rip the saw out that chainsaw. Acegirl, you gotta show Kenji that there was no courage in what that woman did, what she did wasn’t suicide. & that’
s just for starters.

  She tried not to be remembered. But I do remember.

  It was winter, so it was already dark. Everyone was gone. Then came the stranger with our Yellow Pages ad. Just so happened I was poking round Wayn’s desk for something.

  She didn’t say nothing, we just looked at each other. But with that look, Jesus (I thought) let me know she was a nice lady in trouble. So here went Smiley-Face: “How can I help you?” She was scared but I was patient. We stayed in my office talking till my husband got worried & called.

  After that, when we met up, I told my boys I was figuring out a new billing system, & billing can’t be done off-site cuz of security (true). Neither of my sweeties minded driving in to pick me up however late. She must’ve passed them on the street, walking to the bus. Maybe sometime Kenji’s headlights tripped over her shadow.

  She was shy, but we got comfy quick so we could focus. We had a job to do, & at first we didn’t have a clue, but she didn’t mind trial & error. She had a sad smile.

  All I had to do was what I did every day. No different from destroying other people’s voided checks, expired memos. Just like Bookmart had no use for last year’s waybills, Island Press had to bury all those fliers that forgot the “er” in “Masterworks,” soon BELCO wouldn’t need to know about her anymore. She’d just be excess data in HSBC’s computer. Same job but with computers. In their shadow world.

  It wasn’t the same. Thanks to the shadows, it wasn’t a job. It was burrowing into a cocoon & coming out with big dark wings!

  She never mentioned friends. I tried inviting her to dinner or the beach, just the 2 of us. It was dumb. I mean hello, it’s Bermuda. People would see us & recognize me & I’d have to introduce her & they’d remember & that’d just defeat the purpose.

  She didn’t say nothing. Poor thing, too sad to refuse & too nice to be snippy about what a dumb idea it was. Then I realized I’d messed up & changed the subject. I kept chopsin foolishness till one day (finally!) a joke about somebody (K?) made her crack a giggle.