Almost Lost

by Beatrice Sparks

  “I sure haven’t.”

  “But can any of us change our mind-set if we want to?”

  “Yeah, I guess so. But like you’ve said, only I can change me and my attitude and actions.”

  “You’re really coming along, smart Sammy. I’m very proud of you and very happy for your positive, progressive thinking.”

  “I’m proud of…and happy for myself! Do you think maybe it would help me to get my life back in order and under control if I started going back to my old church?”

  “That is a serious and deep decision that you must make for yourself.”

  “I wonder if God would want me in His church if he knew what an unbelievable person I’ve been…what unforgivable things I’ve done.”

  “What does the God you believe in say about forgiveness?”

  “I think the Bible has lots of stuff in it about forgiveness.”

  “The Talmud, the Koran, and most other scriptures do also. We’ve talked about this before. Maybe it’s time for you to do some deep reflective thinking about your relationship to God as well as to all humanity. You know there is an old, old, old song that goes, ‘I want to be happy, but I can’t be happy till I make you happy too’ that is a lot truer than most people want to believe.”

  “I think I believe that’s true. In fact I know it is. I guess that most of us are just so busy trying to make ourselves feel good that we don’t actually give a damn about how anyone else thinks or feels. That’s sad isn’t it, and selfish?”

  “Again you’re right on the button, Super Sam. You know, some people take years to gain the understanding you have. In fact, many people never gain it.”

  “I’m just sorry I’ve blown so much of my life and have hurt so many people.”

  Tears started rolling down Sammy’s face and onto the front of his T-shirt. He seemed completely unaware of them for a long time.

  “Sam, did you know that your tears, at different times, contain different chemicals? When you’re crying for joy, for instance, like you probably did when you first came home and your mom and little sisters met you with hugs and kisses, your tears were vastly different chemically than they are now, when you’re crying from remorse, or when you’re crying from pain or whatever. Isn’t that amazing?”

  “Yeah, it really is.”

  “Have you heard of chemical depression?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, interesting studies are being conducted to see if chemical changes in the body cause depression or if depression causes the chemical changes, or both.”

  “You mean people can actually make themselves depressed to the can’t-stand-it stage where I was when I wanted to…to…”

  “Blow out your candle?”

  “I can’t believe the real me was in that tortured, defeated place. A place so dark and every molecule of my mind and body being eaten away that…that, thank God no one who hasn’t been there could ever conceive it! NOW you’ve started me thinking about something else weird. Are you trying to tell me that I took what could have been a medium sized depression and trauma and made it into something overwhelming with my self pity and negative thinking?”

  “Do you think that’s possible?”

  “I’d never thought of it before but it kind of feels true somewhere inside my head. That’s even more disgusting than anything!”

  “What is?”

  “That my hateful, both mental and physical, abuse of myself and others, even before I got into the gang, was at least partially responsible for my downhill slide into…the only way I can describe it is…hell. I wish I’d known then…”

  “It’s okay. Relax. You’re never never going back there, dear kind friend Sammy, you’re just going forward for forever from here! Now. Want to know more about the intricacies of the brain?”

  Sammy nodded contemplatively.

  “There are numerous studies going on regarding what causes what or what feeds what in depression. Great strides are being made relative to how the chemical balance in our bodies changes with feelings of fear, anger, pain, love, joy, etcetera.”

  “Wow! Tell me more.”

  “All right. The respected neurophysiologist Ralph Gerald said, ‘Behind every crooked thought there lies a crooked molecule.’ When asked if there is a chemical for every sadness, he replied, ‘Every sadness is chemical!’”

  “I’m not sure I get that.”

  “Then let me tell you a true fish story. Dr. Ray Fuller, one of the three scientists who worked on the drug Prozac project, tells of an experiment with damselfish. A number of them were kept in a fish tank with a barrier of transparent glass between them and some predator fish. The damselfish naturally thought they would soon be eaten. After a time, the serotonin levels in their brains showed marked changes. That simple experiment illustrates how anxiety, repeated rejection, and other things we experience or think we experience cause neurochemical changes in the brain. A similar experiment with mice and rats on one side of a transparent barrier and cats on the other produced the same neurochemical results, as did one with dogs and cats. Do you understand a little more about how you control the chemical changes in your body and mind now?”

  “It sounds awesome, stratospheric, science fiction.”

  “Science fiction it’s not! What happens to you when you allow yourself to get angry or afraid or frustrated almost to the point of being out of control?”

  “Ummmm, my muscles and nerves and stuff tighten up until…until they feel almost brittle.”

  “What happens to your stomach?”

  “It knots up and my heart pounds.”

  “And adrenaline pumps into your body until the chemicals in every organ and molecule of your body are out of balance. Right?”

  “I guess. If that’s what makes me have muscle cramps and headaches and stuff.”

  “What about when someone hurts you or humiliates you or rejects you?”

  “I guess they capture me in their sticky black net, or I think they do, sort of like the damselfish, or the mice, or the cats.”

  “Are the neurochemical changes in your body as real with imagined experiences as with real ones?”

  “Probably.”

  “What are some of the situations which might change the chemical balance in your body?”

  “Hostility, fear, anxiety, feeling unloved, unappreciated, unworthy, jealous, insecure.”

  “Do you think that other things which may seem less significant might cause chemical imbalance also, things like low self-esteem, negativism, pessimism, hateful thoughts and so on?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What about when a person beats up on himself, or tears himself down, perhaps thinking he is not as good as others, as smart, as nice, as beautiful, as charismatic, as adept in sports, music, art, originality, creativity, or whatever?”

  “Man, most of us must have our poor chemical balance popping and flopping up and down all the time.”

  “And you and I must never cease being grateful that our chemicals flop back into the normal range, for some people have a chemical imbalance that they cannot control.”

  “What happens then?”

  “Medications have to be prescribed, some temporarily, some permanently.”

  “Wow! I never realized I had such power over the chemicals in my body.”

  “Only you!

  “I wonder if my mom knows how much she lets me affect her chemical balance or imbalance.”

  “You could talk to her about it.”

  “I think a lot of nice things about her, but I don’t often say them. I’m going to start doing that.”

  “Kudos to you, kid. And what are you going to do about yourself, about your newfound chemical balance knowledge?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You know! I know you know! You follow the old-as-dirt and healing-as-sunshine AS IF theory. You act and think AS IF your positive, optimistic, loving, forgiving, patient, tolerant, helpful, compassionate acts and words produce healing, balancing chemicals in bot
h yourself and others.”

  Sammy became very serious. “I know they do.”

  “Then you’re well on your way to all the good places you want to go and the good things you want to be.”

  “I wish everyone had as much confidence in me as you do.”

  “They will soon. Actually as soon as you have confidence in yourself and to the degree that you have confidence in yourself!”

  “I know it’s not going to be as easy as it sounds.”

  “Things rarely are.”

  “I guess that means we ought to get on with the slop.”

  “Maybe not. It’s nice to end a session on a good note where possible. You’ve got a number of positive things to ponder until next time, right?”

  “Yeah. Chemical balance, self-confidence, God, and not allowing myself to get turned on by negative past experiences, to name a few.”

  “Excellent! You get not only an A-plus, but also a good star on the forehead. You’d make a good therapist. Maybe next time we should trade places.”

  “That would be a bummer.”

  I tenderly patted his shoulder. “I’m not so sure about that. You’ve got a lot of really good common sense for a kid your age, but then, most kids have a lot more sense than adults give them credit for.”

  Sammy grinned playfully. “Just so you see the superior wonders and goodness in me!’”

  “Yeah, Smart Stuff. Each time I see you from now on, I’ll wonder when you’re going to take over my practice.”

  He stood up and hugged me, then pulled back. “I guess it’s not okay to hug your shrink…not cool.”

  “It’s about the coolest thing you could ever do when you’re sincere. Smart people can always tell the difference between one emotion and another. And did I tell you about the Listening Room? You can go in anytime you want and listen over and over to your tapes. You may pick up some concepts you missed or just reinforce the positive things we’ve talked about. You’ll probably learn as much or more from what you’ve said as from what I’ve said.”

  Sammy’s forehead crinkled. “Don’t laugh…but I’m beginning to think maybe I can be the same old nice person I used to be.”

  “Do you see me laughing?”

  SUMMARY OF SESSION

  Sammy has amazing perception and a sincere desire to change.

  Material Covered: Getting into a gang because he wanted to “belong;” questions about God, depression, chemical imbalance, frightening feelings about himself, listening to his taped sessions.

  Samuel Gordon Chart

  Wednesday, August 3, 4:00 P.M.

  Fourth Visit

  SAMUEL (SAMMY) GORDON, 15 years old

  “Hi, how are you doing today, Sammy?”

  “Much better, thanks to you.”

  “Little thanks to me, mostly thanks to you. As I’ve told you before…”

  “I know. No one else can change me, only me!”

  “Right on, Dude.”

  “Right on yourself, Dudette.”

  A series of high fives.

  “Guess we better rev up the old garbage dump truck again, huh?”

  “Think we’re ever going to get the thing completely unloaded?”

  “Yep. I do now. I didn’t at first, though.”

  “That’s okay. The past doesn’t count, only the present and the future. No black points for your past negs, only shiny gold stars for your pos present. You were telling me about how you were doing the ‘Mom thing’ when you were with her and the ‘gang thing’ when you were with them, but if you want to talk about something else—anything—it’s as all right as all right can be with me.”

  “It’s a strange thing about my mom. I always knew she loved me even when she didn’t like me, or couldn’t stand me, or was hurt to her guts by my mouth and my actions and my ’tudes. I’m beginning to really see how important pos ’tudes are.”

  “You’re right on there. Many studies have shown conclusively and empirically that a positive mind-set not only can reduce stress levels and blood pressure, but improve work performance and even slow the effects of aging in the body.

  “Wow! Like awesome. Tell me more.”

  “Okay, sponge brain, the army is doing studies on meditation to help soldiers’ performance. Mental health and physical health are becoming one in Western civilization as they always have been in ancient cultures. Meditation, hypnotherapy, massage, exercise, diet, etcetera, are all becoming part of the complete package of holistic medicine.”

  “And?”

  “It’s an exciting time. Body functions are being assisted by proper positive mind functions in all kinds of healing processes.”

  “You mean a person with a pos attitude heals faster than a person with a neg one?”

  “Absolutely, even in work with cancer patients.”

  “I used to wonder why people were sometimes in therapy for years. Now I wanna learn about all the out-there things that I didn’t know about that can put me back together in a better, stronger way. I just might become a shrink addict like people I’ve read about.”

  “Not with me you won’t. I believe in brief therapy, which means introducing people to the tools they need to work with, then letting them listen to their own tapes and build their own cathedrals. You’d be surprised at the staggering number of people who come to psychotherapists or even medical doctors simply for a friend, someone to talk to who is knowledgeable and not condemning, and who will keep things confidential. Most people just need a good, honest, caring, empathetic friend to vent with when they’re angry, cry with when they’re sad, commiserate with when they’re hurt, be built up by when they’re feeling insecure, and most of all, laugh and play with them when they’re happy.”

  “You’re really getting me pumped up! I can’t wait to get all the bad stuff unloaded so we can start packing more good stuff into my brain and all my other hidden inside areas that have been completely clogged up with neg gook for such a long time. I’ve decided I want to learn everything there is good about everything there is good. I’ve thought a lot about that the last few nights, and as I’ve tried to get my gonzos together in your Listening Room.”

  “Good for you! Lawrence LeShan, who was been pioneering in the mind-body discipline for years, says ‘Meditation is a tool for your mind and personality, like the Nautilus machine is a tool for your body. Different meditations do different things, just as different machines do.”

  “Man, that hits a harmonious chord in my dissonance-filled brain. Did you know I used to be really into music? I mean real music.”

  “I know and I’m proud of you!”

  “My dad had a band when he was in high school. They played all over. In his senior year they even played on a cruise ship. That’s what I always wanted to do as far back as I can remember. Actually I was fooling with the piano and drums and stuff before I even started school. Later Dad played with me and sometimes even let me sit in with the guys he used to play with in college.”

  Sammy’s face fell, and I watched pain grip him like a huge vise. He still had a whole lot of imprisoning tension to release. For a long while he sat clenching his fists tightly and biting his bottom lip. His suffering was beyond tears. At last he asked in a dry, cracking voice, “Will I ever get over this…this…there are no words to describe it?”

  “Yes, Sammy, you will. And at the rate you’re progressing it shouldn’t be too long.”

  “Where were we when I got sidetracked? That seems to be one of the biggest negs in my life now. I don’t seem to be able to have a short-term and long-term goal focus, like I was taught I should have and did have when I was little!”

  “We’ll get back to that later. Okay?”

  He tried to smile, but it came out all wrinkled and sad. “Okay, on with the show! But first throw me a life jacket of some kind. All the goodness has been squeezed out of my body. Please toss me the tiniest good thing before I go on with my self-torture.”

  “I’ll do better than that; I’ll toss you a humongously good th
ing—YOU. I haven’t known you very long, but I see talents and possibilities and comprehension and kindness and compassion and gentleness and sensitivity in you that astounds me. You will get past this dark, dismal valley in your life. Don’t give up. Never, never give up!”

  “I won’t. I just need you to help me exorcize a couple of hellish pieces out of my life.”

  “Do you feel now is the time to talk about that?”

  “Uhhhh…no.”

  “Don’t push. Soon you’ll be able to see that part of your life realistically without the debilitating pain.”

  “You really think I can?”

  “Yes, and I don’t think it’s going to be that hard once we get all the pieces surrounding the situation laid out side by side.”

  “Well…maybe I better go back to the gang thing and this time really stay on it.”

  “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

  “I want to! It’s kind of like when you become a gang member you, of your own free will, give up your self-identity and become committed to being a part of the whole. Gang guys don’t pledge their allegiance to their country, their religion, or their family—their only and supreme allegiance is to the gang—loyalty to it is first, foremost, and supreme.

  “After I got a graffiti tattoo and started wearing grungies and other ripped-off stuff, Mom stomped on my neck continually until I couldn’t handle it anymore. She was always mad at me. My self-righteous, better-than-me sisters said every bad thing they could think of about my oversize clothes. Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore and went on the streets with my bros.

  “My biological family no longer seemed important to me, and I sure as hell didn’t seem important to them. School and my part-time job, which had once seemed important to my overall future, didn’t seem important, either. At that point only drugs and action upped me. The gang gave me the sense of belonging, security, importance, and pride that I so badly needed. Without question or hurtful comment, they gave me everything: food, clothes, drugs, alcohol, and even money. I felt they made me belong to a real, not dysfunctional, hypocritical family. They gave me pride and status. It was fun, action, mysterious adventure. I made a few deliveries for Slice, and that was all that was expected of me.