But what took his breath away wasn’t her attractive features or tempting body—it was the fact that she was here…in his room. He rarely invited women to his room. Because of his travel schedule, he didn’t make a permanent home anywhere, so his hotel and motel rooms were his sanctuary. When he was intimate with a woman, they generally went to her place, or they were somewhere in the wilderness where rooms didn’t really matter. Still it felt right to have Chloe here, with him. She was more completion than intrusion.
“You’re looking pensive about something,” she said, her voice low. “Want to talk about it?”
He shrugged. “It’s not important. I was just thinking that I never invite women up to my room. I prefer to keep all this private.”
“And the outdoors is neutral,” she said.
He glanced at her, but she didn’t look angry. “Exactly.”
“Then I’m honored, both that you would trust me not to violate your space here, and because you called me when you needed a friend.” Her gaze was steady. She took a sip of her wine, then tilted her head slightly to the left. “Tell me about your father.”
Arizona knew the conversation couldn’t be put off forever. No doubt he would feel better after talking about it; he just didn’t want to talk about it now. Unfortunately he couldn’t think of a good excuse to put Chloe off.
“It’s not a nice story,” he warned her.
“Are you afraid I’ll think less of you as a person?”
“The thought did cross my mind.”
She put her wine on the coffee table. “I could tease you and promise that wasn’t possible, but that would be taking unfair advantage.” She paused for a second. “Whatever has happened between us, however complicated it gets, I’ve enjoyed knowing you. You’re different from anyone I’ve ever met, but that’s just on the surface. Underneath all the travel and the unusual experiences, you’re very familiar to me. I think we have a lot in common and I believe we can be friends for a long time. I’ll try not to judge you.”
“I guess I can’t ask for more than that.” Their gazes locked. “Thank you,” he added. “I want us to be friends, too.”
A smile tugged at her lips. “Tell you what. When you’re done talking about your father, I’ll think up something equally slimy in my life and share it with you. Then we’ll be even.”
“Sure.” But he doubted she could match his story. He drew in a deep breath. “My mother died when I was born. Apparently she and my father were deeply in love. They’d put off having children for several years because they just wanted it to be the two of them. But when she found out she was pregnant, I guess they were both happy. After her death, my father withdrew. He hired a nurse and a couple of people to take care of the place, then he moved out. I never saw him. He provided a staff and paid all the bills, but he was not a part of my life.”
He tried to tell the story without thinking about it. He didn’t want to get buried in the details, he didn’t want to think about what it had been like all those years.
“As I told you before, my grandfather showed up when I was three and took me away with him. When I was about fifteen, he answered questions I had about my family. He never used the word ‘blame’ but I understood the subtext of what he was saying. If it hadn’t been for me, my mother would still be alive.”
Chloe shifted closer and took his hand in hers. She squeezed his fingers. “That’s a lot for an adult to understand. It must have been an impossible burden for a teenager.”
“Agreed. When I was growing up I used to make up stories about my father—exotic tales in which he came to his senses, realized none of this was my fault and showed up begging for my forgiveness. Every night I prayed he would come for me, but he never did.” He cleared his throat. “I really cared about my grandfather. He did the best he could and I had some great experiences as a kid, but there were times I longed for a normal family. I wanted to have my own room, toys, friends, and wake up in the same bed for a few weeks. Then I outgrew the dream. I stopped praying my father would come for me. At times I forgot he was alive.”
“I don’t believe you gave up the dream,” Chloe said. “I think you still have it, but now you’re an adult and it’s more complicated.”
“Not at all. In fact—”
She cut him off with a shake of her head. “Sell it somewhere else, Arizona. Of course you wanted your father to come rescue you. We all want to be loved. But you stopped wishing because it hurt too much to always be disappointed.”
He wanted to tell her she was wrong, but he couldn’t. “How the hell do you know so much?”
“Things are always clearer to those on the outside. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”
“I never doubted that for a moment.”
He wanted to pull her closer. He wanted to feel her heat next to him, to wrap his arms around her and find comfort in her nearness. He didn’t. Not because he was concerned she might reject him, but because the need was so intense, it alarmed him. He wasn’t supposed to need anyone. If his past had taught him anything, it was that. He’d grown up in such a way that his dependence had been burned out of him at an early age. Needing someone meant having expectations. That only gave that person the opportunity to let you down. He didn’t need Chloe—he didn’t need anyone.
“What happened next?” she asked.
“He contacted me when I was about twenty. I was in London. He wanted me to come to Chicago and meet with him.” He tried to ignore the hurt and anger welling up inside of him.
“You refused.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes. He was stubborn and kept talking away. I guess I get that trait from him.”
“Did he apologize for what he’d done?”
“In a manner of speaking. He said that he’d been keeping track of me for years, that he’d wanted to get in touch sooner, bring me home, but I was doing so well with my grandfather that he decided not to upset my life twice.”
“Sounds reasonable.”
“It does, doesn’t it.” His tone was sharp.
She squeezed his fingers gently. “You didn’t believe him then?”
“Of course not. He was taking the easy way out. I exploded. I told him that he was about twenty years too late to be a part of my life. I wasn’t interested in him as a father or a friend. As far as I was concerned, he should never contact me again. But he kept at me.” He sighed heavily before continuing. “Finally, I told him what life with my grandfather had been like. I told him about the times I’d been injured or put in dangerous situations. I detailed how my grandfather had often left me behind in strange villages or towns with minimal supervision while he ran off and explored something he considered too dangerous for a child. I told him that I’d been left in the outback with a guide who disappeared and left me, that my grandfather had forgotten where to find me and that I nearly starved to death. I told him there weren’t any words to make up for that. I said I didn’t want to see him or hear from him ever again. Then I hung up the phone.”
He felt uncomfortable with what he’d told her, but there was no way to recall the words. “I did warn you it wasn’t going to be pleasant.”
She ignored that comment. “What happened when he called back?”
“How do you know he did?”
She looked at him. “What else would he do? He called and apologized for all of that. What did you say?”
“That it was too late.”
She didn’t say anything for a while, then she pulled her hand from his. The rejection stung. Arizona had thought she might be upset or disappointed, but he hadn’t expected her to simply turn away.
He shifted to push off the sofa, but before he could, her arms came around him. She moved close and rested her head on his shoulders as she clasped him around the waist.
“You were so young to be dealing with all of th
at,” she said, her voice muffled against his neck. “Twenty isn’t really grown-up. You had more life experiences than most kids your age, but I doubt you were any more emotionally mature. He’d hurt you for so many years. You just wanted to hurt him back.”
Her understanding loosened the tight band around his chest. He hugged her back. “Thank you,” he murmured.
“No problem. To be honest, I’d imagined something a lot worse.”
“Like what? Felony convictions in several states?”
She smiled. “Something like that.” She kissed his jaw. “I appreciate you sharing this with me. I just have one question. When are you going to let it go? You can’t stay angry at him forever. Yes, it hurts him and in a way you still want that, but it hurts you, too.”
Arizona straightened and pushed her away. “Thanks for the junior psychology analysis, but it’s not necessary.” Irritation battled with disappointment. He’d thought she would understand, but she didn’t.
“Why are you upset?” she asked. She slid away a couple of feet and stared at him. Her eyebrows drew together. “You wanted to talk about this. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t have asked me to come over. You know me well enough by now to know I’m not going to keep quiet, that I’m going to express my opinion. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
She made sense and that really annoyed him. “Maybe I just wanted to get you into bed.”
He’d expected her to flinch. Instead she shook her head. “If that was true, you would have made your move before now. I’ve been here two hours and you’ve barely touched me.” She drew in a deep breath, then tucked her hair behind her ears. Her mouth straightened. “Hasn’t it occurred to you that the reason I can understand your situation with your father is that I’m facing something similar myself? You’re not the only one caught up in the past. You’re not the only one who is angry. You think I don’t feel the same way? It’s hard, Arizona. You want to reconcile with your father, but you don’t know if he’s suffered enough. I want to forgive my parents, and Billy, and even Aunt Charity, but the pain and anger are all I have. If I let that go, will I lose the last little bits of them and myself that I have?”
“You’re making sense,” he grumbled. “I really hate that.”
“It’s hard,” she told him. “I am so furious at my parents. I hate them for dying. I hate them for naming Aunt Charity as our guardian. Because of that Cassie and I got split up. I hate that they left me the house. I’m their daughter by birth and the house has been in the family for generations, but it was still wrong.” Anger flashed in her eyes. “People matter more than things and they should have recognized how their actions would hurt Cassie. She has always felt like an outsider. Her only goal in life is to belong. To find roots. That’s why she desperately wants the family legend about the nightgown to be true. So she can wear it on her birthday and dream about her fantasy man.”
Arizona cupped her cheek. Chloe leaned into his touch. “I’ll never forgive Billy for dying after he promised he wouldn’t,” she continued. “I’m enraged at Aunt Charity for being gone. I know, she had her own life. No one expected her to stay home in case her brother died without warning. I know it, but I can’t make my heart believe it. I live with this pain and rage and so do you. But I’m starting to see that we have to figure out a way to let it go. We both hurt, Arizona. But if the wound stays open too long, it gets infected and then we die. I’m not talking about real death, but emotional death. Isn’t that worse? Is that more tragic?”
“I don’t know.”
He held his arms open and she came into them. They hugged each other. He’d felt close to her from the moment he’d met her. Their lovemaking had only cemented the strange bond he couldn’t explain. But that was nothing when compared to what he was feeling now. He’d never felt this connected to another person in his life. They came from completely different backgrounds. They believed different things. Chloe was a realist and he made his living searching for the mystical. Yet underneath, they were exactly alike.
“See,” she whispered, her breath coming in short puffs against his chest. “I’m a horrible person.”
“No, you’re a very honest one and I admire that.”
“Were you listening? I can’t believe it’s been eleven years and I’m still mad at my folks. I’ve got to learn to let that go.”
“Hey, it’s been more than thirty years and I still don’t like talking to my father. I’m much worse.”
“No, I am.”
He chuckled. “Interesting argument that for reasons I can’t explain I feel compelled to win. When I was ten and we were in Africa, I sneaked into the tribal elder’s tent and stole a pipe. I got all the other boys to smoke it with me and we all ended up sick.”
“Not bad. When I was ten, Cassie got a new dress for some reason, and I didn’t. I was so furious, I threatened to hold my breath until I got one, too. My mother wasn’t impressed. Unfortunately for her, I actually did hold it until I passed out. I really scared her. Once I learned the trick, I kept doing it for about six months. I thought she was going to kill me.”
He smiled and kissed the top of her head. “I stole an elephant.”
“Goodness. Where on earth would you hide it?”
“I didn’t. I took it for a joyride. Well, sort of. We didn’t go very fast.”
She laughed. “I convinced Cassie to surprise our parents by scenting their bedroom. I had her pour perfume on the bed and the carpet. The stink would not go away. They ended up getting a new mattress and carpeting.”
“I don’t know if I can top that one,” he told her.
Her laughter was soft and sweet. He liked this, he realized. Being with her, holding her, laughing together. He felt safe talking about his past. Even if Chloe didn’t agree, she wouldn’t judge him. She might speak her mind and say some things he didn’t want to hear, but that was a small price to pay for acceptance. Besides, he liked that she was honest.
“It’s good that we’re spending time with each other,” she said. “I doubt anyone else would want to put up with us.”
“You know that’s not true.”
She tilted her head back and looked at him. “You’re right, I do. But it’s fun to pretend.” Her humor faded. “I’m glad we talked about all of this. Our conversation has shown me that it’s time to let go of the past.”
“Are you ready?”
“I think so.” She pulled back and gave him a rueful smile. “I don’t mind forgiving my parents or Billy. It wasn’t really their fault they died. But not being mad at Aunt Charity is going to be harder. I didn’t get it until just a few moments ago when we started talking about all this, but I finally understand what’s been going on with her. By staying angry, I didn’t have to worry about her getting too close. If she died or left, I wouldn’t miss her. This has all been a way to protect myself from getting hurt.”
“I’m impressed,” he said, and tapped the tip of her nose. “That’s very insightful.”
“I don’t mind being insightful, but I really resent having to act on what I’ve discovered. Still, I’m a strong person and keeping her at arm’s length out of fear is the coward’s way out. I’m going to have to make peace with her and deal with the consequences.”
“I’m sure she’s going to live a long life and you won’t have to worry about losing her anytime soon.”
“I hope you’re right, but it doesn’t matter. I can’t spend the rest of my life avoiding caring about someone because I’m afraid they’re going to leave me or run away.”
She raised her chin in a gesture of strength and defiance. He respected both her decision and her fearlessness. Self-examination was never easy. He knew that firsthand. But if Chloe hadn’t gone easy on herself—could he do any less?
He looked at the phone. He knew what his father wanted and why. Was that enough? Could he let go of the past and forgive
an old man who had been driven by pain and loss? The adult side of him was willing to give it a chance, but the hurt child inside wanted restitution. Unfortunately there was nothing his father could do to make up for hurting him.
“Only if it feels right,” Chloe whispered.
It did.
He picked up the receiver and dialed the number from memory. His father answered on the first ring.
“It’s Arizona.”
“I didn’t expect to hear from you, son.” His father sounded surprised, but pleased. There was no wariness in his voice, no attempt to protect himself against possible attack.
Arizona glanced at his watch. “I didn’t realize the time. It’s after midnight. I’m sorry if I woke you.”
“You didn’t. That’s one of the ironies of old age. I have less to do with my day than ever before, yet I need less sleep. I could have used this time twenty years ago but that’s what happens.”
“I’m sorry I was such a jerk when you called earlier.”
The older man sighed heavily. “Don’t apologize. You have every right to be furious with me. What I did…I won’t try to excuse it. I was wrong. I’ve realized that over the years. I should have known that you and I could help each other out. But I was too caught up in my pain. I was so selfish.”
“I understand.”
“You don’t have to, son. Your mother—” His voice broke. “She was my world. When I lost her, I wanted to die, too. I didn’t care about anything or anyone. I’m so sorry about that. Even as I left you alone, I knew it was wrong. I knew she would be disappointed in me if she ever knew. But I couldn’t stop myself.”
“It’s okay.” He cleared his throat. “Dad, really, it is.”
Dad. He’d never said the word before. He’d always used “Father” or “old man.” Nothing friendly or personal.
Chloe moved close to him. He put his arm around her and squeezed. She was his lifeline in this unfamiliar sea of emotion.
“I should have come after you,” his father continued. “I didn’t want you to go away, but it was also easier to try and forget with you out of the country. I didn’t know about all you went through,” he said quietly. “With your grandfather. I thought he would take better care of you. I should have realized the truth. I’m sorry about that, too.”
Dream Wedding Page 16
