“He’s crazy,” Ryan muttered more to himself than her. If he’d been involved with Cassie and had found out she’d kissed another man, he would have gone wild with rage and jealousy. “So because he wasn’t worried or upset, you broke up with him?” He shook his head. “That makes about as much sense to me as the fact that you told him the truth in the first place. You didn’t have to do that. It was a one-time thing, never to be repeated.”
Cassie stared at him as if he were a particularly slow child. “You’re missing the point entirely,” she said. “I didn’t break up with him because of the kiss, or because he didn’t get upset. I broke up with him because I’ve had a lot of questions for a long time. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with our relationship or why we didn’t seem to feel any physical desire for each other.” She took a deep breath and continued. “Because I had no frame of reference, I didn’t know if there was something wrong between Joel and me or if all those songwriters and poets had been lying. Last night I learned there was a whole world waiting for me. A world of incredibly physical sensation.” A dreamy expression crossed her face. “I want that. Not just sex for the sake of having sex, but a relationship that involves an emotional as well as a physical connection. I broke up with Joel because I’m not willing to settle anymore. This time I want it all.”
Cassie had been afraid that Ryan might take her comments too much to heart. He stood up and actually backed away from her. His expression was trapped and his hands came up in a protective gesture. If she hadn’t been so tired and vulnerable, she might have found the situation amusing.
But tonight she wasn’t feeling especially strong. If only things had been different, she thought. If only Ryan wanted her as much as she wanted him. If only… How many hearts had broken apart on those rocky words?
“Don’t panic,” she said, deliberately keeping her words light. “I’m not going to beg you to come to bed or ask you to father my child. While you were technically involved in my awakening, passion-wise, this isn’t really about you.”
“That’s not how it looks from here.”
At least her headache had faded, she thought with gratitude, so it wasn’t difficult to think. “We went over this when we talked this morning, Ryan. We’re very different people. I’ll agree that there are some similarities as far as our personalities go, but none of this is about having a relationship with you.” Even though she knew she wanted one.
As long as she kept the truth from him, he would never feel obligated to try to spare her feelings. That was one thing she didn’t think she could bear…Ryan’s polite dismissal.
“Then what is it about?” he asked.
She motioned to the sofa and waited until he’d settled down again. “I know that you and I will never have more than a working relationship, and I’m fine with that. The kiss was a fluke. A very nice fluke, but not significant in the scheme of things.”
“It was significant enough to cause you to break up with Joel.”
Okay, so the man had a point. “Not exactly,” she hedged. “It showed me a truth I’d long suspected. I realized I had to make a choice. For years Chloe has been telling me I was just settling for Joel. She told me there was a lot more out there and I owed it to myself to explore the world. I never thought she was right. I thought she had an irrational dislike of Joel.”
She wasn’t sure but his shoulders seemed to be relaxing a little. “And now?”
“Now I’ve had my eyes opened. I don’t think I was settling for Joel. He’s a wonderful man and I’ll always be happy that he was in my life. But I want more than he and I can have together. I want to try to have the best of both worlds. Companionship and passion.”
“And that’s it?”
She nodded. “I’m being honest, Ryan. After nine years of dating Joel, what we shared is gone. When I drove home I kept waiting for the anguish. I thought it would be like losing an arm or something.” She pressed her lips together and looked away. She didn’t want him to see the tears filling her eyes.
“Are you crying?” he asked sharply.
She sniffed. “Yes, but not for the reasons you’re thinking. All I feel is relief. Not sadness or regret or pain. I thought I would feel more.”
“You might later.”
“I’m sure you’re right. But my heart isn’t broken and I’m not sorry about what happened. Any of it,” she added. “Obviously the kiss has made you terribly uncomfortable with me, and I do feel badly about that. For me it was a call to action. I hope you don’t worry that it’s anything else.”
“I’m not uncomfortable,” he said. “Kissing you did not make me uncomfortable.”
Cassie had to suppress a smile. She hadn’t meant to offend him, but the male ego was a fragile, albeit complicated, thing. “What I meant,” she said carefully, “is that you have some genuine reasons for concern. I really appreciate that. I don’t want you to think any of this is your fault.” She drew in a deep breath.
Now came the hard part. This morning it had been surprisingly easy to “fake” being okay with everything that had happened…mostly because she found that she was all right. She might lust after Ryan and his body, she might think he was brilliant and wonderful and that they would be perfect together. But he didn’t think that, and she wasn’t foolish enough to try to convince herself otherwise. She would enjoy their conversations and contact while she could, then when it was over, she would do her best to put him behind her.
“I don’t want you to worry that I’m going to make a play for you,” she said. For the first time, she felt a heat on her cheeks and it took all her strength not to turn away from his intense gaze. “Just as you were worried about me feeling in danger and took the time to reassure me, I want to do the same. I’m not going to spend my day making calf eyes at you.”
His expression didn’t relax at all. There was something odd in his eyes, a strange emotion she couldn’t read. “What are calf eyes?” he asked.
She smiled. “I’m not sure either, so if I don’t know, I can’t make them, or do them, or whatever.” She turned serious. “I’m not going to be a problem.”
“I never thought you would be.” He leaned toward her. “I want you to feel free to date. You still have time off in the evening and if you’re giving up Joel, there’s no reason to wait to ‘discover the world’ as you put it.”
She didn’t mind him not sharing her fantasy, but she deeply resented that he was so quick to throw her into the path of other men. “Gee, thanks,” she said. “I think I’ll wait at least a couple of days to get used to being single again. It’s been a long time.” She rose to her feet. “It’s getting late. I’m going up to bed.”
She crossed to the door, then paused and looked back at him. “Thanks for everything, Ryan. For reasons that probably don’t make sense to you, I’m very grateful for what you did.”
He stood, too. He was tall and broad and she found herself wishing she was standing a little closer to him.
“You make it sound like a big favor,” he said. “Kissing you was my pleasure.” He flashed her a quick smile. “I mean that.”
She told herself to turn away, but she couldn’t. If only he would walk over and kiss her again, she thought. Maybe even do more than kiss. But he wasn’t going to. She thanked him again and left. At least she would have the memory of their kiss…not to mention all the fantasies about what it would be like if they were to start that fire between them again.
CHAPTER TWELVE
THE NEXT WEEK was uneventful, for which Cassie was grateful. There had been enough trauma and change in her life for any month. Not that she would have objected to Ryan showing up unexpectedly in her bedroom, swearing undying devotion and then making passionate love to her for hours. But if she couldn’t have that, peace and quiet were a very nice substitute.
Their routine continued, with Sasha in preschool
Monday through Thursday morning. Ryan joined them for meals and spent his early evenings with his niece as well. Cassie wanted to believe that her witty company was what drew him, but she knew better. When it was time for Sasha to go to bed, he either took over the duties or let her handle them and disappeared into his office. Either way, once Sasha was down for the night, Ryan left Cassie alone.
“We can’t have everything,” she said aloud, as she slipped her jacket off its hanger and put it on. They were going shoe shopping for Sasha. In the space of a few days, the toddler’s favorite shoes had gotten too tight. Visiting the mall would be a nice change, and for reasons Cassie didn’t quite understand, Ryan had agreed to go with them.
She crossed to her dresser and ran a brush through her short hair. She used her left hand to push a wayward strand in place, and as she did so, she glanced at the place where her promise ring used to be. Joel was well and truly out of her life.
She’d thought he might call her. After all, his idea had been that with a little time she would come to her senses. But he hadn’t tried to contact her at all. Cassie carefully probed her heart, searching for any signs of hurt or remorse. The only negative emotion there was sadness that something that had lasted so long could be forgotten so easily. She still wasn’t sorry that she’d ended things between them. Her only feeling was one of relief and a nagging sense that she should have done this a long time ago.
If there was any regret, it was that this might be causing him pain. She hoped not. Their relationship had been comfortable for both of them, but she doubted Joel had given his heart any more than she had. A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. All he needed was a hot date with a gorgeous blonde and he would forget all about her, she thought. If only she knew one who was interested in him.
“Cassie, are you about ready?” Ryan called from downstairs.
At the sound of his voice, her heart rate increased. “I’m on my way,” she yelled as she hurried from her bedroom and headed for the stairs.
If Ryan could make her heart race with just the sound of his voice, imagine what would happen if they ever did the naked thing, she thought humorously. Not that they ever would, but a girl could dream. And dream she did. Nothing like having a handsome, single, charming man living under the same roof to give her a little inspiration.
She grabbed her purse and stepped outside. Ryan and Sasha stood by his late model BMW 540i. “I installed the car seat,” he said as she approached.
Cassie leaned around the open rear door and stared in to the back seat. The new toddler-size car seat had been strapped into the center. She turned to Sasha. “It’s very nice and grown-up. Are you excited?”
Sasha nodded. “Unk Ryan buy for me.”
“I know. He cares about you very much and he wants to keep you safe. Isn’t that nice?”
Sasha grinned. “Go now.”
“We’ve received our instructions,” she told her boss. “Guess we should listen.”
“Absolutely.” He circled around to the other side of the car. “As this is the first time we’re using this particular car seat, I’m guessing it’s going to take both of us to get it right.” He patted his back pocket. “I have the instruction diagram right here.”
She motioned for Sasha to climb into the car. “Wow. A guy willing to read the instructions. I’m impressed.”
Ryan didn’t return her smile. “This is about keeping Sasha safe. I wouldn’t play around with that.”
Why did he keep doing that? she wondered. Saying and doing exactly the right thing. He made it very difficult for her to remember her place and keep her perspective. If only he would go back to being the silent man who didn’t want anything to do with his niece. Then she would have a chance of getting over her thing for her boss.
Cassie sighed. Even though it meant the potential for more heartbreak for her, she couldn’t in all sincerity really wish that Ryan changed back into the man he’d been when he first arrived. She wanted what was best for Sasha, and this new and improved uncle was definitely what the toddler needed.
Sasha crawled into the car seat and got comfortable. Cassie leaned from her side, while Ryan did the same from his. They reached for buckles and straps, occasionally bumping. At one point their hands got tangled together. Sasha thought it was all a great joke and laughed at them. Cassie smiled with her and tried to ignore the tingling that shot up her arm. She was careful to keep her expression pleasantly neutral. Despite her growing feelings for Ryan, she hadn’t forgotten the trapped look in his eyes when she’d told him she’d broken up with Joel in order to find what she really wanted. The last thing the poor man needed to know was that his worst fears had come true—that his unsophisticated, much-younger nanny had the hots for him.
Cassie gave the car seat straps one last tug. “Looks great,” she said and closed the passenger-side rear door. Before she slid into the front seat, she took a couple of deep breaths. If nothing else, she’d been blessed with the ability to see the truth in any situation. Ryan wasn’t interested in her. Therefore she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by swooning or anything else that obvious. That gave her the determination she needed to be calm and pretend disinterest. She was able to slide into her seat and not even flinch when his arm brushed against hers.
Her resolve was strengthened by the humorous image of herself in a dead faint in Ryan’s arms, while he ran around the mall begging people to help him make her not be in love with him. No, he wasn’t for her, she thought, even though in her heart of hearts, she wanted him to be. But there was a man out there. Someone warm and caring, someone who would make her heart beat just as fast. Someone who would appreciate her good qualities. Someone who would love her back. As soon as she finished working for Ryan, she was going to go out and find her mystery man.
“What are you thinking?” Ryan asked.
“Nothing important.”
“You were smiling.”
“I’m a happy person.”
She glanced at him and found him studying her. “Yes, you are,” he agreed, his green eyes bright with affection.
She wanted to believe it was more than just friendship…wanted to, but couldn’t. If only she weren’t such a dreamer.
“So what kind of shoes are we going to buy?” he asked.
“You sound as if you think we get a vote.”
He looked startled. “We don’t?”
“They’re Sasha’s shoes.”
“She’s only two.”
Cassie grinned. “You’ve never shopped with a stubborn toddler before, have you?”
Ryan groaned. “I don’t want to hear about it.”
“You don’t have to. You’re going to live it.”
Forty minutes later Sasha sat in the shoe store and shook her head. “Pink,” she said when Ryan tried to slip a yellow shoe on her foot.
He looked helplessly at Cassie. “The yellow ones are better made. They’ll last longer. The only thing she likes about the pink ones is the little kitten on the side.”
Cassie resisted the urge to say “I told you so.” She leaned back in her chair. “I think you should explain that to her.”
“Yeah, right.” But he crouched in front of his niece. “Sasha, the yellow ones are very nice. They’re pretty, don’t you think?”
Dark curls flew back and forth as she shook her head. “Me want pink shoes. With kitty. Like book. Me like pink. Me like kitty.” She kicked off the yellow shoe the salesman and Ryan had wrestled onto her right foot. “No!”
Ryan looked so shocked, Cassie had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. Most of the time he and Sasha got along fine. There hadn’t been many tantrums in his presence. Looked like that was about to change.
“What do I do?” he asked.
“It’s your choice,” she told him. “Pick your battle. Do you want to fight it out with a two-year-
old over these shoes? You have to weigh the costs and benefits. Yes, you’re the adult, you’re buying the shoes, you have the final say. If you think the yellow shoes are better for her feet then you should insist.” She met his gaze. “If it’s just that you like the brand name better, then it’s less simple. What if she refuses to wear the yellow shoes once you buy them? Do you want to have this fight every morning? Or to be more accurate, do you want me to have this fight every morning?”
“She’d really hate them that much?”
“I don’t know. She might be fine. She might always remember the pink ones.” Cassie leaned forward. “Welcome to parenting, Ryan. There aren’t any easy solutions. You do have to decide what’s worth taking a stand on because one of the worst things you can do is waffle once you’ve drawn a line in the sand. So think long and hard before making any pronouncements.”
He picked up a pink shoe, then grabbed the yellow one she’d kicked away. “They’re just shoes.” The brightly colored footwear looked tiny resting on his hand. He turned his attention to his niece. “You’re too young to be causing this much trouble.”
Sasha held out her arms. “Hug,” she demanded.
He obliged, all the while grumbling. “You’re not going to win me over with a little affection,” he said.
“Why not?” Cassie asked. “Women have been using their feminine wiles to get what they want for centuries.”
“I don’t think of Sasha as having feminine wiles.”
Cassie didn’t say anything, but she knew the exact moment Ryan made his decision and she wasn’t surprised when he turned to the hovering clerk and said, “We’ll take the pink ones.”
As he helped Sasha back into her old shoes and socks, he glanced at her. “What are you thinking?”
That he was too cute for words, but she couldn’t tell him that. “Nothing much.”
“Which ones would you have bought?”
“The pink ones. It’s an easy win for her. They’re both well-made, she’ll outgrow both of them quickly.”
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