Sold Out

by Melody Carlson

  As I’m sitting here thinking how stupid the prom is, I am suddenly so thankful that school’s going to be out in only two weeks. I’m sick of it. Really. Oh, I know some great things are happening—and that’s cool. Lots of kids have come to God in the past several weeks, and the climate there is definitely improving. But I’m just tired of the same old grind. I’m ready for a break, and I am really looking forward to having more free time to work on music.

  I just hope Laura and Allie will cooperate. Laura’s talking about working more hours at the vet clinic, and tonight Allie said she’s going to get a job somewhere—anywhere—even at McDonald’s if she has to. McDonald’s? I think she’s losing it. But she says if she gets a “real” job her mom can’t force her to babysit Davie all summer.

  Hey, I’d much rather babysit Davie than sling greasy hamburgers all day long. And I realize it’s not because he has Down’s syndrome that she’s saying this. I know how she just doesn’t like being stuck in the apartment so much. And after all, it’s her life. I just wish there was a way we could somehow make enough money playing music so that neither of them would have to work at all. We could just spend our time practicing. So cool.

  But the reason I’m writing at one in the morning is to report on what’s happened this week. It’s actually been quite interesting. I’ll start with Marissa, that amazing and disappearing kleptomaniac.

  On Thursday, after we’ve almost decided that she’s moved to another planet, Allie and I spot her, and she’s sitting at our old table. We were about to join Laura and her friends but decide we better not miss this opportunity.

  “Marissa’s over there,” I whisper in Laura’s ear.

  Her eyebrows shoot up, and the next thing I know she picks up her tray. “Let’s join her.”

  So the three of us head over to where Marissa is sitting with Jake and Cesar. Spencer’s been kind of out of it lately—keeping his distance. I think he blames us that Jake is suddenly not so interested in smoking dope with him. But then Jake is really trying to sort out his life right now, and Cesar has really stuck by him this week. Cesar is such a cool guy and a loyal friend too.

  He’s even letting Jake stay at his house for a while until Jake figures stuff out. It’s hearing this kind of crud about families (like Jake’ s) that suddenly makes me appreciate my parents a whole lot more. Oh, sure they have their problems and they’re a little checked-out and slightly self-absorbed sometimes, but compared to some they’re pretty great. Okay, back to Marissa.

  “Hi, Marissa,” says Laura, as if everything’s peachy. “Where you been?”

  “Around.” Marissa intently studies her french fries as she squeezes ketchup all over them like she’s creating modern art.

  We sit down and I can tell the guys are waiting for something exciting to happen. Without knowing all the details, they both know something’s up between her and us.

  “So, been to the mall lately?” asks Allie in a light tone.

  Without looking up, Marissa just shrugs and selects a long fry.

  Now, I’m trying to think of something to say that will cut through this ridiculous game playing but am basically coming up empty.

  “Marissa…” Laura begins in a gentle voice. “We’re—uh—wondering about something.” She pauses to glance at the guys. “But maybe you’d rather talk about this privately.”

  Marissa just shrugs again. “I don’t care.”

  “Okay, then,” Laura continues more firmly. “We’re pretty confused about what you did to us at the mall last week.”

  Allie rolls her eyes. “That’s putting it mildly.”

  Marissa then looks up at Allie. “Hey, I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

  Allie laughs, but it’s her hooting laugh, the one that’s saturated in sarcasm. “Oh, yeah! I suppose you accidentally stuffed all those stupid scarves into our bags, right?”

  Marissa looks from Allie to Laura. “It was supposed to be a joke.”

  “A joke?” Allie slaps the table. “And a pretty funny one too.”

  “Allie.” Laura tosses her a look. “Marissa, do you have any idea what kind of trouble you—”

  “Look, I’m sorry, okay? It was really stupid. Honestly, I didn’t think we’d get caught. I was going to wait until we were all outside, out in the parking lot, and then I was going to—”

  “But you just took off!” I’m no longer able to contain myself. “You didn’t even stick around to explain what the—”

  “I know. I know.” Marissa looks up now with what appear to be real tears in her eyes. “It was wrong, okay? I didn’t mean for it to go like that. I was trying to be funny. But you guys just don’t understand.”

  “We don’t understand?” Allie sounds seriously fried now. “Marissa, I’d already told you I have a history—like what did you think—?”

  “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Okay? Crud, what more can I say?” She pushes her tray away, puts her head down on the table, and really starts crying.

  Okay, now I’m starting to feel pretty bad. I mean, here we’d talked about all this forgiveness, the thief on the cross, and we’ve suddenly turned into the Spanish Inquisition.

  Fortunately, this is when Laura reaches over and puts a hand on Marissa’s arm. “Well, God was watching out for us because we didn’t get into trouble.”

  Marissa looks up. She has two dark streaks of mascara and eyeliner running down her face. “You didn’t?”

  “The clerk finally told the police that you were the one she’d seen, and it was all on the video cam as proof.”

  I glance over to see how Jake and Cesar are taking all this. Do they think we’re nuts? But they’re both just quietly eating their lunch and listening, it seems, with real interest.

  At first Marissa looks somewhat relieved at Laura’s news, but then she gets this slightly horrified expression. “You mean I’m on the video cam?”

  “That’s right,” says Al, and I think she’s enjoying this moment a little too much. “So they let us go.”

  “I’m glad they let you go.” Marissa sniffs, then wipes her nose on a stiff paper napkin.

  “They asked us your name,” continues Laura in an even voice.

  “Did you tell them?”

  “Just your first name,” I offer. “None of us even know your last name.”

  Marissa sighs. “It’s Malone. You might as well know. Marissa Anne Malone.”

  “So we can turn you in?” asks Allie, but there’s no more smugness in her voice.

  “Whatever.” Marissa wads the napkin into a tight little ball. “I don’t really care anyway.”

  “You want to get caught?” Now Allie leans forward with fresh interest. “What? Are you nuts?”

  Marissa shrugs. “Yeah, maybe.” Then she looks evenly at us. “You may as well know—my dad’s a cop. And if I get caught, he’ll throw a total fit.”

  “Your dad’s a cop?” Allie’s eyes are practically bugging out of her head now. “And you want to get caught? Man, you are crazy!”

  Now Marissa gets this tough look on her face-it’s an expression I can personally relate to because I’ve worn it so many times myself. “Look, you guys,” she says. “I’m really sorry about that whole scene. It was totally, totally moronic. I wish I’d never done it, okay? But that’s who I am, understand? I do stupid stuff without thinking. You should all just stay away from me. I’m bad news, okay?”

  “Hey,” I begin. “We’ve all made mistakes here. Sometimes we’ve even made them on purpose. But usually there’s a reason. When you did that to us, it felt like you were really trying to get us. It hurt.”

  “I wasn’t trying to hurt you. Honest. I guess I was just trying to get your attention, hoping you’d think I was funny.” She pauses now, as if she’s thinking. “Or maybe I was trying to get my dad’s attention. I don’t know. Ever since he and my mom split up, it’s like I don’t exist anymore. He’s too busy with his new life now.”

  “Hey, I know how that feels,” says Allie. “My dad’s like
totally checked out on us.”

  Marissa looks at Allie now. “Really?”

  Just then the warning bell rings.

  “Well, before we split up,” says Laura quickly. “You need to know something else.”

  Now Marissa looks as if she’s ready to cry again. “What?”

  “We all forgive you.”

  “Yeah,” says Allie, sounding sincere. “No hard feelings.”

  “That’s right,” I add. “But for your sake, we really hope you don’t ever do something like that again.”

  She sighs. “I wish I could promise that I won’t. But like I said, I’m known for doing stupid stuff without thinking. My mom says I’m too impulsive.” Then she studies us for a few seconds. “Thanks for being so nice, you guys. I know I don’t deserve this.” Then she stands and leaves.

  “That was pretty cool,” says Cesar as he picks up his tray.

  Jake says nothing, just sits there twisting on his lip ring as if he’s trying to figure us all out. And I admit we are quite an act to take in. Not that we’re acting, I mean. It’s just that I’m sure he thought it was all pretty weird. Maybe we provided a good distraction to his own problems.

  Then we all head off to class.

  Well, that was yesterday, and I didn’t see Marissa around at all today. I felt bad about that too. I wanted to reassure her that we’re still okay with her. I have a feeling she’s still beating herself up about this whole thing. But maybe that’s good. Maybe she needs to feel bad and really think about what she did and how her impulsive choices can hurt people—including herself. Anyway, I’m really praying for her. And Allie is too. As for Laura, well, I’m pretty sure her head’s in the clouds right now. Hopefully, she had a good time at the prom. As for me, I may go some year—maybe—for now I’d just as soon pass.

  BEST DANCE

  i’d rather dance with You, God

  i’drather sing Your song

  i’d rather be Your girl, God

  to You, Lord, i belong

  You are my first love

  i’m nothing without You

  my life, my breath, my song, Lord

  i’d rather dance with You

  cm

  Saturday, May 24

  To our amazement, Laura actually made it to practice today—on time. We thought she’d be exhausted after her big night out. And in her defense, she hardly spoke of it at all, other than to say she had a great time and that Ryan is totally wonderful. I really respect her for that. Then we got right down to business and practiced until we were all exhausted. But the Memorial Day concert is on Monday, and we want it to be good—really good. This will be the first big thing we’ve done since the Battle of the Bands, and there’ll be no barfing on guitars before performing this time (so Allie assured us).

  After we finished, we sat down and prayed together. Now, I’d like to say we do this every time we practice, but the truth is we don’t. And it’s not as if I’m saying we should, exactly. But it’s sure good when we do. We prayed for the upcoming concert as well as the kids at school who are having troubles (like Marissa and Jake and Spencer) and all the other kids who’ve made, or seem interested in making, commitments to God.

  Also, we decided it wouldn’t hurt to make some last-minute posters to place at school to announce the memorial concert. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner since the kids from McFadden (that come to youth group) have been doing this already, and the local Christian radio station has been advertising it too. But it was Allie’s idea, and since she’s the artist, we put her in charge. She’s going to draw up some posters, then ask Greg if we can decorate them during youth group tomorrow. I’m sure he won’t mind.

  I’m really looking forward to Monday since my brother Josh and (I think) Caitlin are both coming to hear us perform. It’ll be so cool to see them again. I’m also pretty curious to see how the two of them interact with each other. I haven’t seen them actually together since their breakup last winter. Although Caitlin assured me on the phone this week that they really do speak to each other now. “Just as friends though,” she said, as if to clarify. “That’s what we need to be to each other for the time being.”

  “For the time being?” I asked hopefully.

  She laughed. “Yeah, I’m sticking to that one-day-at-a-time thing. It’s a lot easier than trying to predict the future.”

  “That’s cool.”

  Still, if I were to predict the future, I’d guess that those two will eventually end up together, permanently. But I suppose I could be wrong. Nah!

  Anyway, this girl-guy talk makes me think of Cesar. I know I haven’t written much about him, or rather my feelings about him, but I have to admit I really think he’s cool. Not just to look at either. But here’s what’s ironic…ever since he invited God into his life, he doesn’t seem nearly as interested in me as he used to be. Before, he would say things, or hint at things, that made me think he liked me—like he wanted to date me. Now he acts more like a brother or just a good buddy. And that’s cool, I guess. But suddenly I’m thinking: I really wish he’d ask me out. Now how weird is that? Maybe I just have spring fever.

  Better to forget such nonsense (not that Cesar is nonsense—he’s definitely not). But I think I need to focus more on my music—and God, of course!

  KEEPING MY HEART ON YOU

  keeping my mind on You

  i’m holding on tight

  to what i know’s true

  all through the night

  keeping my eyes on You

  i follow Your lead

  You’ll see me through

  give me what i need

  keeping my heart on You

  i’m hanging on fast

  toYour mercies new

  Your love that’ll last

  keeping my heart on You

  cm

  Eleven

  Monday, May 26

  Totally rad night! The best!!! And I’m not just talking about our performance either. The evening started out with some college kids (most of them used to go to McFadden) sharing about how the shooting at their high school had impacted their lives during the past two years. Even Josh and Caitlin got up to share—a complete surprise to me since I thought they’d come all this way just to hear us perform. But what they said was really cool and I think it touched the crowd.

  About ten kids shared altogether, including Caitlin’s good friend Beanie Jacobs (I think I liked what she said the best), but it was interesting to hear how each person had been touched in a completely different way. And as Caitlin said, there’s no way of knowing how far a life like Clay’s might reach. And I can personally attest to that since it was at his very gravestone where I found God. I still get blown away when I think of what happened that day. I even shared a little bit about it—very briefly—before we started to play.

  And it felt so good to be back together again as a band (without Willy stepping in for Laura—although we still tease him about that). And I think we sounded pretty hot too—if I do say so myself. Obviously, I wouldn’t say this in public, it would sound annoyingly arrogant, but I can say it in the privacy of my diary. We were really, really on fire tonight!!! It’s like it all just came together, better than any practice we’ve ever had. Better than when we made our CD. Way better than the Battle of the Bands—and there was no barfing tonight. It’s like we really connected and then we got energized by the crowd. Their reaction to our music was unbelievable! I had in no way expected them to be so responsive. It was very cool. I still get goose bumps to think about it. We did an encore. Fortunately, we had a song all planned. (Okay, we had a feeling it could happen—or at least we hoped it would.)

  Then after we finished, Pastor Tony spoke for a bit. He didn’t talk for long, but what he said was straight from the heart. He even got a little teary eyed when he read a letter that Clay had written to him a few months before the shooting. I’m pretty sure at least half the audience was in tears by the time he finished. Then he invited Redemption back up, and
we played this song that he’d asked us to end with. It’s a song Clay wrote before he was killed. We could barely keep from choking up while we sang. Really powerful lyrics.

  CLAY’S SONG

  Worthless, useless, piece of trash

  My life was ruined in a flash

  Strung out, hung out, left for dead

  Till I heard what Jesus said:

  “I’m the truth, the life, the way

  Listen to the words I say,

  Only I can set you free

  To reach God, come through Me.”

  So I fell down on my knees

  Here’s my life, Lord, take it please.

  Worthless, useless, piece of trash-

  God redeemed me in a flash!

  Strung out, hung out, Jesus died

  On a cross, He sanctified

  On His head He took my sin

  Just to make me clean again

  Life will never be the same

  God has given me His name

  Everything and all I do

  My Lord, I give my all to you.

  Then Greg, our youth pastor, came up and invited people who wanted to show that they were committing or recommitting their lives to Christ to raise their hands. Now, I know we were supposed to have our heads bowed and not looking around, but I couldn’t help myself, plus I had a good vantage point up on the stage. But in a way I was glad that I did because it looked like nearly everyone raised their hands. It was totally amazing.

  Now here’s the best part of the whole night-even better than how fantastic it felt to play to a crowd who by all appearances loved us. Among the kids at the concert (and a lot of them were friends from school) I had spotted Marissa and Jake standing with Cesar, and I’m guessing he brought them. AND when Greg made his invitation, all three of them raised their hands.

  Now, I’m not positive this really means something. It’s entirely possible they were just reacting to peer pressure and didn’t want to feel left out for being the only ones not responding. Only God knows for sure. But I am believing they meant it. And I’m praying for all of them—that they’ll take it seriously.