by Amber Garza
“Thanks.” Her eyelashes fluttered, her gaze combing over my face. With a perplexed look, she reached forward and touched my cheek. “What happened? You’re all scratched up.”
Shit. I was hoping she wouldn’t notice. I’d washed up my hands and face thoroughly when I got home.
“Oh…um…I was itchy, and I guess I scratched too hard.”
“You did this to yourself?”
“Yeah.” I flashed her a chagrined look. “Stupid, huh?”
Pursing her lips, she stood unmoving for a moment. “I guess you don’t know your own strength,” she spoke slowly. “You might want to be careful in the future.”
“Yeah, I should be.” Remembering what I saw at her house, I peered up at her through the strands of hair she’d jaggedly cut. “My mom used to say the same thing to me. What about your mom? Did she say things like that?”
She wrinkled her nose, confusion filling her features. “No, but she didn’t need to. I didn’t scratch the crap out of my own face.”
I was losing her. My segue wasn’t working out like it should. She was so focused on my face it would be difficult to get anything else out of her. Taking a deep breath, I decided to go for it. There was no easy way to transition to this. “Speaking of moms, maybe you should call your parents and tell them about your appointment.” Yeah, that was smooth.
She stiffened, her hands clenching. “Why?”
I shrugged as if I hadn’t uncovered some huge secret. As if I hadn’t been spying on the house she said was hers. “Just figured they’d want to know.”
She waved away my suggestion with a flick of her wrist. A cloud moved in front of the windows, and the entire room went dark. “I can tell them later.”
“They don’t worry about you?”
“Of course they worry. But I don’t want to talk to them.” She looped her arms around my neck, giving me a playful grin. “I want to talk to you.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, hoping she’d catch the double meaning. I was in this for the long haul. No matter what. I wished she knew that. I wished she trusted me.
She winked. “Neither am I.”
I was tiring of this. Brushing her arms off of my neck, I pinned her with a firm look. She withered beneath it. “Why don’t you want to talk to your parents, Lennie?”
She recoiled. “What is going on with you? Why do you suddenly care so much about my parents?”
“I don’t care about them. I care about you, and I feel like you’re keeping something from me.”
Cocking her head to the side, her forehead knit together. “Where is this coming from?”
I couldn’t tell her what I’d done. What I’d seen. So I said, “You’re so elusive about them.”
“So are you about your parents,” she said. And she had a point. Her fingers touched my face. “Look, I’m just not close to them, okay? And it’s only gotten worse since I’ve been sick. I don’t wanna think about it when I’m with you.” I melted into her touch, drowned in her intense stare. “You make me feel safe, secure. Everything’s better when I’m here. Can we just leave it at that?”
I wanted to demand answers, but I couldn’t argue with her logic. Being with her made everything better for me too. She’d become my escape. My safe place. And when I was with her, I didn’t want to think about my parents either. Clearly she had lied to me, but hadn’t I done the same to her? I still hadn’t told her everything about my life. My past or present. And I wasn’t sure I ever would.
“Yeah,” I told her. “We can do that.”
Relief passed over her features. Bending forward, she brought her face close. The minute her mouth clamped over mine, the electricity went out, darkness cloaking us.
It felt like a warning.
Too bad I didn’t heed it.
I tried to forget about what I’d seen. Tried to push it from my mind and focus on Lennie. Sometimes it was easy, like when she nestled in my arms, or when her lips pressed against mine. It was easy to pretend that I’d never seen anything at her house that day. But other times it was all I could think about. Still, I didn’t press her any longer about it. I let it go, figuring she’d come clean when she was ready. In the meantime, I would do what I’d been doing all along.
I’d enjoy my time with her.
She still spent most of her time at my apartment, and while I loved her being here, I also knew that I needed to get some work done. I was so close to finishing the book, and for Mom’s sake, I had to finish it. Besides, it was what was best for Lennie and me too. If, by some miracle, I sold the novel to a publisher, I could afford to get out from under my parents’ thumb. Maybe Lennie and I could even move somewhere else. Far away from everything here.
I was certain that was the only way we’d ever be able to have any kind of future.
That’s why I got up early this morning with the intention of heading to the coffee shop. Lennie was sprawled out in my bed. I’d slept on the couch, so my neck was kinked, my arm numb. I rolled my neck while I brushed my teeth, toothpaste running down my chin. After rinsing, I got dressed quietly trying not to wake Lennie.
But it was a losing battle. She was the lightest sleeper I knew.
“Are you going somewhere?” She sat up in bed, the blanket falling from her shoulders, revealing the tight tank top she wore. I swallowed hard.
“I need to get some work done,” I told her, knowing that leaving the apartment was my only option. There was no way I’d get a single word written if I stayed here. Especially if she insisted on wearing pajamas like that. Talk about distracting.
“The coffee shop?” She pushed a lock of hair out of her face. Sun shone in from the window behind her, and her face and body were awash in yellow tones.
I nodded.
“If you give me a minute to get ready, I can go with you.”
My stomach sank. I threw her an apologetic look. “Lennie, I really need some time alone. I haven’t been getting a lot of writing done lately, and I have to finish this book.” Seeing the dejected expression on her face, I felt like crap. Moving toward her, I rested my hands on her hips, stamped a kiss on her forehead. “I’m sorry. I’d like nothing more than to spend the day with you, but this is something I have to do.”
“I get it,” She forced a smile. Lifting up to her knees, she brushed her lips lightly over mine. “I have some things I have to take care of anyway.” She cocked an eyebrow. “Meet you back here tonight?”
“Yeah.” Smiling, I grazed her cheek with my knuckles. “Thanks for being so understanding about this.”
“Of course. But it’s partly for selfish reasons. I want you to finish the book too, because then I’ll get to read it.” Eyes sparkling, she tossed me a wink.
I chuckled. “Is that so?”
“Yep.” Nodding, she bit her lip. “I’m proud of you for sticking with it.” After giving me one more brief glance, she slid off the bed. I had to avert my gaze from her bare legs, and scantily clad body. I may have had some kind of block when it came to sex, but I was still a guy. And she was still sexy as hell. She scooped her hair off her neck, secured it on top of her head with a hair tie. Then she turned to me. “I’ll get out of here so you can get your work done.”
She was so flexible and understanding. It surprised me at times. I’d never met anyone like her. Despite whatever secrets she was keeping, I knew she cared about me. And, for me, that was enough.
She was enough.
More than enough. She was everything I’d dreamt of my entire life.
And here she was, encouraging and supporting me in a way that no one else had ever done. And that was the reason I finally said it. Throwing caution to the wind, I stepped toward her, circling my arms around her waist.
“Lennie?” I whispered, our gazes connecting. “I love you.” They were the words I’d wanted to say for weeks, and they were finally out in the open, lingering between us.
Her eyes widened, and her mouth slackened. But not in a happy way. No, she looked stricken, and
I desperately wished I could shove the words back in.
Placing her palms on my chest, she shoved me back. My hands fell away from her waist, dangled awkwardly at my side. It was like I’d seen a car accident and didn’t have time to intervene. It all happened so fast. And now that it was over, I felt nothing but remorse. It’s funny, because whenever I’d imagined this moment, I thought I’d feel relief. As if the words were a weight I was carrying around and once I shed them I’d feel lighter. But that’s because I hadn’t been anticipating this kind of reaction from her.
She shook her head, backing away from me. “Colin, I’m so sorry. This…” she pointed between us. “This was a mistake. I never should’ve let it go on this long.”
“What are you talking about? We’re not a mistake.” Her words baffled me. How could she say this? What we had was beautiful.
“I know.” She smothered her face with her hand, groaned into her palm. Breathing deeply, she dropped her hand and looked at me. “Colin, I wish I were healthy and whole and could give you the life you deserve. But I’m not.”
“I don’t need that. I want you the way you are.”
Bringing her hand to her mouth, she chomped down on her fingernails. I’d never seen her do that before, and I felt bad that my words had agitated her so much. I thought they would bring her joy, not anxiety. “I feel like I’ve lead you on. Given you false hope. The treatments are working for now, but I don’t know how much longer I have. It could be months, even years, but it might only be days.”
I grabbed her hand, yanked her to me. “Lennie, we’ve been over this. None of us knows how much time we have left. I can’t offer you a guarantee any more than you can offer me one. But regardless, I know that I want to spend whatever time we have left together. Whether that’s years, months or only days.”
“It’s easy to say that when I seem healthy and alive, but what about when I get sick again. When I am frail and can’t take care of myself.”
“Stop.” I told her, drawing her closer. So close that her chest pressed to mine. “The thing is, that I love you. That isn’t going to change if you push me away. It’s not going to change if you get sicker. It’s not even going to change if you die. Nothing will change it, because it’s already happened. I already love you. It’s too late to try to talk me out of it.”
I barely got the last word out when her hands came up to frame my face, her lips crushing mine. At first her lips moved so swiftly I couldn’t keep up. But eventually we found our rhythm, our mouths moving in sync, our fingers tangling in each other’s hair. She kissed me like I was the medicine needed to cure her. Like I could give her a second chance at life.
Every movement was manic and desperate, unlike how smooth she normally was. But it was fine by me. Actually, it made me more comfortable. Lennie always seemed so much more refined and sophisticated than me. But right now it was like she was unraveling, like she was exposing me to a frenzied side of herself. And I welcomed it.
For once her passion matched mine.
The kiss was dizzying and unexpected, and it almost made me forget about the fact that she hadn’t said “I love you” back.
27
One thing I wanted was for Lennie to experience everything she desired in this life. I didn’t want her to regret anything. To leave anything undone or unspoken. Even though I didn’t have much money, I was determined to make all her dreams come true.
That was another reason why I was working so hard to finish my book. I knew she wanted to read it. She’d told me many times. And, the truth was, I wanted her to read it too. I couldn’t wait to hear her feedback. To know if she loved it. I was sure she would. She was my muse, after all.
But I wasn’t naïve enough to think that my book was the only thing she wanted. We were only in our twenties. There were so many things we hadn’t done. So many things yet to experience. I was a homebody. Not a risk taker or adventurer at all, and yet, I had things on my bucket list. Things I hoped to do one day.
Therefore, I knew Lennie must also, even though she kept denying it.
“I told you,” she said, when I asked her for the thousandth time. “I don’t have a bucket list.”
“C’mon, there must be something.”
When she started to shake her head, I grabbed her around the middle and tickled her waist. We had been lying on the couch together, and I had been reading her one of my favorite scary novels. I loved reading scary books to her because she’d press her face into my chest at the scary parts, squeal into my shirt. It was the most adorable thing I’d ever seen. But now I discarded the book onto the ground and continued tickling her. A stream of laughter flew out of her mouth as she kicked and flailed.
“Stop it,” she squealed, but it was in a fun way. A way that told me she didn’t want me to stop. Besides, she was laughing so hard it was clear she wasn’t in pain.
“I will when you tell me something on your bucket list.”
“I don’t…” laugh, gasp. “have…” another squeal. “one.”
“It doesn’t have to be an actual list.” We rolled over until I was straddling her. My fingers moved up to her armpits. Now she was really laughing. “Just something you still want to experience. Something you don’t want to miss out on.”
She shoved at my hands, continued to kick. “Fine,” she finally choked out. “I’ll tell you.” I stopped tickling her, and she breathed out loudly. Her face was slick with sweat. I brushed away a strand of hair that stuck to her cheek and then started to slide off of her. But she reached up, held me in place. “If you had asked me this question when I was younger, you know, before I got sick, I’m sure I would’ve had a ton of answers. And they probably would’ve been crazy.” She grinned, her eyes sparkling in the dimly lit room. It was night, and the only light I had on was the lantern on the end table. “I would’ve probably said that I wanted to go skydiving or something like that. But now the thing I want is much simpler than that.”
“What is it?” I asked, waiting anxiously.
“I want you,” she commanded. Grabbing the collar of my shirt, she pulled me down on top of her. I tumbled forward, falling until my chest was flush against hers. She was pinned beneath me, my legs caging her in. Her lips fastened to mine, her fingernails raking over my chest as they traveled downward. Panic clawed at me the lower her hands got. Oh, no. It was happening again. My throat closed up, my breath filling up my lungs.
I latched onto her arm. “Lennie, stop.”
She did, and it should have made me feel better. Relieved. But I felt like a jerk. How many times would she allow me to reject her? She deserved more than this.
Reaching out, I stroked her face. “I want you, Lennie. More than you’ll ever know. I just don’t know if I can give you this. At least not right now.”
“It’s okay.” She gave me a one-sided grin. “I wasn’t referring to sex, exactly, when I said I wanted you. What I meant was that I wanted this. I wanted us.” Her fingers played with the edge of my shirt sleeve. “I always wanted to be loved. To be with someone who would stick with me in sickness and in health. In good times and bad.”
“Sounds familiar. Almost like vows or something,” I joked. Then sobered up, realizing what she was saying. “Oh. You wanted to get married?”
Her face screwed up, her lips pursing. “Don’t worry. I’m not asking you to marry me.”
“I would,” I told her honestly. “I would be honored to marry you.”
She shook her head, a large smile sweeping over her features. “Just knowing that you would is enough. Just knowing that you love me no matter what. That you’d do anything for me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“I would, Lennie. I would do anything for you.”
She paused, studying my face. Her eyes followed her fingers as she touched my face, as she traced my chin and cheek, my nose and lips. I scarcely breathed. “I think I’ve fallen in love with you, Colin.”
It was the words I’d dreamt of hearing since I was a teenager. I didn�
�t simply hear them. I felt them as they washed over me. And they felt as good as I thought they would. Better, even.
28
The next morning Lennie went home.
I was grateful for her confession the night before. If she hadn’t admitted to loving me, I would’ve assumed she went home because she had tired of me. Tired of having to deal with my baggage and my inability to be with her in the way she desired. Still it was hard to see her leave. I knew she’d be back. In fact, I was certain that by the time I returned from the coffee shop she’d be waiting for me. She assured me that she was only picking up some things, checking in with her parents. And I wanted to believe her.
But ever since she walked out the door of my apartment, I kept picturing what I’d seen at her house. I kept picturing him.
And it caused my stomach to churn.
Reaching my coffee mug, I forced away the thoughts. I wouldn’t go there. I couldn’t. For Lennie’s sake, I had to let this go. If I had any hope of us being together, I had to figure out a way to get past this.
After taking a sip of my coffee, I set it down on the round table. I was only one chapter away from finishing my novel. It seemed surreal. It was something I’d wanted to do my entire life. Years ago I tried, but never got this far. I think I wrote a hundred pages before I abandoned the project.
Of course, there were reasons for that. And at this point I was glad I hadn’t completed it.
But this time nothing would stand in my way. I had every intention of writing The End. Giddiness spread through me at the thought. Determined, I hunched over my keyboard, set my fingers on the keys. Scanning the document, I read back over the last paragraph to refresh my memory of where I’d left off. I’d gotten distracted with a couple who brought in a baby a few minutes ago. The infant wouldn’t stop screaming, despite the mom and dad’s best efforts. Normally I would have just put in headphones and ignored it. But once I caught a glimpse of the baby’s face squished into its pastel blue hat, I thought of Amelia and her pregnancy. I stared at the child wondering what the draw was. Having a baby didn’t seem like fun. It seemed like a death sentence. The way the couple hurriedly tried and failed to quiet the child made me feel sorry for them. It certainly didn’t make me want to be them.
