by Amber Garza
Then again, they probably didn’t understand why I chose to sit in front of a computer all day typing words on a screen. This manuscript was my baby. It had been created by me. And I loved it. Perhaps, if I had a child of my own, one with my dark hair and eyes, I’d love him or her even more than I did this book. I tried to imagine how much more I’d love the child if he or she had Lennie’s features mixed in too. And for the first time I sort of understood. Not completely, but at least more than I did before.
But now the couple was gone, and the rest of the patrons were relatively quiet, lost in their own worlds. So I did the same, my fingers flying over the keys, penning the resolution to my story. Getting swept up in it, I typed faster and faster, the words pouring from my mind, down my arms and through my hands.
I lost myself in the fictional world. For awhile it was like I left the coffee shop, like my characters were alive, like I no longer existed. My story became more real than this coffee shop, than this life.
It wasn’t until a familiar scent wafted under my nose that the spell was broken, that I came out of my trance. I’d know that smell anywhere, even if I could never describe it with words. Floral was what first came to mind, but I knew that didn’t do it justice. The scent was so much more than that. My fingers stopped, and I glanced up. Sure enough, Lennie stepped inside the coffee shop.
The minute my eyes landed on her, I knew something was wrong.
She didn’t look right. Her face was too pale, her hands trembled too much, she moved too slowly. As she deliberately stepped forward, I saw her head drop to the side, saw her eyes roll back in her head, and that’s when I knew my intuition had been correct.
“Lennie?” I called out, standing up abruptly.
She blinked, attempting to hone in on me. I saw her gaze reach me from across the room, but it was unfocused, glassy. I’d seen that look before, and it caused a bud of panic to bloom in my chest. “Lennie!” I shouted, lunging forward and racing in her direction.
I got to her in the nick of time. Her body slumped forward, like she was nothing more than a doll. One of those soft ones my sister used to have. I remembered her carrying them around in her arms like they were real children. She fed them, rocked them, sang to them, kissed their foreheads. I’d always found it puzzling. How you could love something that wasn’t real?
Throwing out my arms, Lennie fell into them. Wrapping them around her, I gathered up her frail body. She appeared thinner than before, but I knew that couldn’t be right. Hoisting her up, I clutched her to me. Her arms and legs dangled, her head hung back. She was lighter than air.
A frenzy of activity happened all around me. People who had been talking on phones or typing on their computers all sprang into action.
“I’ll call nine-one-one,” a woman yelled, snatching up her phone.
“You need help?” A man yelled.
There were so many other voices, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. And I didn’t care. I only cared about Lennie. About making sure she was all right. Fear snaked around my heart at the fact that she wasn’t moving.
“Lennie?” I whispered her name over and over again, but she never responded. Grabbing up her wrist, I frantically felt for a pulse. When I found one, I almost cried out in relief. But it was faint. Way too faint.
I heard the lady on the phone with nine-one-one rattling off the coffee shop’s address. But I knew I couldn’t wait for an ambulance. We were directly across from the hospital. I could run and get there faster. And that’s what I had to do.
“It’s okay, Lennie,” I promised her. “You’re gonna be okay.”
Holding her tightly in my arms, I stepped forward.
“Where are you going?” The woman asked. “I just called nine-one-one. An ambulance is on its way.”
“I can’t wait,” I called without looking back. When I reached the doors, I attempted to open it with my shoulder.
“You know her?” The woman called, as if worried this was a kidnapping or something equally ridiculous.
“Yes,” I said. It was all I was giving her. I didn’t have time to sit here and explain myself. The woman I loved was unconscious.
A man scrambled to my side, pushed open the door. I stepped outside. Then I hurried as fast as I could across the street. Lennie’s body jostled in my arms and I whispered repeated apologies. But I couldn’t stop. Not until I knew she was safe.
Luckily, the emergency room was right at the front of the hospital. My arms burned, and my breath came out labored as I approached the double doors. And that’s when the familiar fear snaked around my heart, squeezing tight. The dreaded memories were right at the edge of my mind threatening to hop in and take center stage. But I wouldn’t let them. Not now.
This was not the time to lose it.
This was not the time to let fear take over.
Lennie was too important. I wouldn’t let her die because I was too damn scared to face my fears.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped inside the hospital.
“I need help!” I screamed.
All eyes turned to me. A nurse scurried toward us, shouting instructions to those around her. Before I knew it, Lennie had been taken from my arms, laid on a bed and wheeled down the hallway. A nurse demanded information, and I gave her as much as I could. Told her everything I knew about Lennie’s cancer and all about how she’d passed out in the coffee shop.
Afterward, I asked if I could go back to see her, but they wouldn’t let me. Told me they could call me later and give me an update. At that point I was too weary to be upset. Besides, I’d dealt with doctors and nurses before, and I knew how it went. I knew I’d never get my way. If they didn’t want me to see Lennie, I wouldn’t.
Besides, I didn’t think I could help Lennie by staying here anyway.
There was only one way to help her now.
Only one thing I could do.
Turning around, I left the hospital, my mission clear.
29
I was preparing to head back to the hospital to see Lennie when there was a knock on the door. Perplexed, I paused, wondering who it could be. No one but Lennie showed up out of the blue, and it couldn’t be her. Could it? I peered down at my phone, but there hadn’t been any missed calls. Therefore, I was certain she hadn’t been released yet. Furrowing my brow, my gaze flickered to my newly printed manuscript sitting on the kitchen table next to my keys. It’s what I had come home to do – finish the book. I believed that Lennie would make it. That by the time I went back to the hospital she’d be fine, sitting up laughing and talking like always. I told myself over and over that passing out was nothing more than a temporary setback. But regardless, it gave me the push I needed to get that last scene finished. Now I planned to present it to Lennie at the hospital. To give her the one thing I’d promised her for months.
I didn’t have time for whoever it was at the door, so I stood still waiting for them to leave. But they didn’t. They knocked louder.
Perplexed, I hesitantly opened it. When I saw who was standing there, my stomach sank. Inwardly, I groaned.
“What are you doing here, Ray?” He never came over unannounced. Hell, he never came over at all.
“Your mom sent me.” He stepped inside, walking past me like he belonged here. It irritated me. “She’s worried about you. You haven’t come over for dinner in the last couple of weeks. You’re not returning her phone calls.” His gaze swept my apartment, and my insides knotted.
I closed and opened my fists in agitation. Ray walked slowly forward, glancing around. My pulse quickened. His shoulders tensed when he reached the kitchen table. His arm shot forward, and he snatched something up. I swallowed hard, knowing what it was.
“Who’s this?” Ray spun around, flashing the photograph in my direction.
Anger sparked inside of me like a lit match. I hated him for being here, for going through my stuff, for asking about her.
“Colin?” He stepped toward me, his eyes so dark they were almost black. “W
ho is she?”
I backed up. “Lennie.”
Ray’s brows furrowed. He stared down at the photograph in his hand. “So your mom was right. There is a girl in your life.”
Breathing deeply, I stared at him. He might have felt like he had the right to march in here and go through my stuff, but he couldn’t make me talk.
“This is a mistake, Colin,” Ray spat, tossing the photo down on the table. It fluttered in the air like a butterfly before landing. “And you need to put an end to it right now.”
“But I care about her,” I said. Then clamped my mouth shut, wishing I’d kept quiet. Arguing with Ray never worked. Besides, the less he knew, the better.
“You’re not capable of that.” Ray glared at me. “You may have your mom fooled, but not me. I know exactly what happened with that girl in college, and I won’t let you do it again to this one.”
That was it. The last straw. I lunged at him, shoving him into the table. His eyes widened in shock. He grunted when his spine hit the chair. Staggering backwards, I stared down at my hands. Had I really done that? The room bent around me. I blinked.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Ray stumbled away from the table, rubbing his back. “I wonder what your mom will say when I tell her what you just did. Think she’ll still want to believe the best about you?”
I felt sick. Mom was always on my side. But I’d never lost my temper like that with Ray. Would she still side with me if she knew? I didn’t even want to speculate. I wanted to leave and go be with Lennie. She was probably wondering where I was.
“I-it was an accident,” I stammered. “A-a-and you started it.”
Ray shook his head. “You’ve always been full of excuses.”
I was tired of his accusations. Tired of this conversation. “I have to go.” Snatching my manuscript and my keys off the kitchen counter, I marched to the front door.
“Where are you going?’
“I’m an adult. I don’t have to tell you.” I stood in the doorway staring at the ground. Silently I willed him to leave.
He walked toward me, his shadow painting my body. “You’re not going to see that girl, are you?”
I kept my mouth shut the way I should’ve done from the beginning. He goaded me before, but I wouldn’t let it happen again.
“Colin, answer me, dammit!”
I flinched, but didn’t lift my head.
“You know what happened the last time.”
My head snapped up. Why did he keep bringing that up? “That was different.”
Ray cocked one eyebrow. He jammed his index finger into my chest. “You leave this girl alone, you understand?”
Gritting my teeth, I shoved his finger away. I wasn’t a kid anymore. He didn’t have the right to tell me what to do. His bullying days were over. This knowledge gave me a surge of power. “I will do what I want.” I stepped out of the apartment. When he followed me, I slammed the door shut and raced down the walkway. His footsteps pounded behind me.
“Colin,” he called. But it was no use. I was faster. There was a time when he was faster and stronger than me. But now he was old. For once I had the upper hand. “I’m not bailing you out this time, Colin!”
With his words trailing me, I ran to my car.
Clutching the stack of papers under my arm, I hurried through the double doors of the hospital. I passed nurses who walked with fast, clipped strides, and doctors wearing crisp white lab coats. Everyone appeared stoic, somber. My heart pinched. I hated that Lennie was here. I wished I could scoop her up and carry her out the front doors. But I knew that wasn’t possible. This was the best place for her right now.
Rounding the corner, the pages fluttered against my side, and it caused my lips to curve slightly at the corners. If I couldn’t take Lennie home, at least I could bring her something to brighten her day. Something to help her escape, even just momentarily.
Keeping my head down, I fought against the panic that started to take root in my stomach.
“Colin, we need to talk,” the doctor’s voice said, and his hands motioned me over. “I can help you.”
Taking a deep breath, I shook my head hoping that the simple act would cause the memories to fade. I had to be here for Lennie. She needed me. I couldn’t afford to have an anxiety attack right now. She’d warned me so many times that this could happen, but I promised her that nothing would keep me away. That nothing would keep me from loving her. And I had to keep that promise.
I approached a desk with a woman sitting behind it. Inhaling through my nose and out through my mouth, I gathered courage. Then I stepped forward bravely. “I-I- um…” Pull it together, Colin. “I’m looking for Lennie Samson’s room.”
She typed something on the computer in front of her with fake nails so long I wondered how typing was even possible. How she wasn’t hitting random keys. “Are you a family member?”
Heat crept up into my cheeks. “N-no,” I stammered.
“I’m sorry sir. Only family is allowed to visit her.”
My heart dropped. I’d come all this way, forced myself to face my fears, and I wasn’t going to be able to see her. I was about to argue, to beg the woman to let me back when a hand clamped down on my shoulder.
“Bummer that they won’t let you back to see her,” a voice said. “But don’t worry. Her mom is with her now. Hopefully she’ll be out with news soon.”
Placing the voice, my insides coiled, my shoulders and back going rigid. I hated that he was touching me. That he was acting like we were friends. Shaking away his hand, I spun around, coming face to face with him.
“Colin, right?” He said.
Feeling numb, I nodded.
“Rob.” He stuck out his hand, offering it to me.
I looked at it briefly, but didn’t take it. What was he doing here? “How did you know who I was?”
He shrugged. “Heard you asking for Lennie, so I made an educated guess. Nurses told us the name of the person who brought her in. Said you might be back. I was hoping you would be because I wanted to thank you for taking care of Lennie. And I don’t just mean today. She’s told me about you, and I…I appreciate you being there for her.”
He said that like I was doing him a favor. Since when did he have any claim to her? He left her awhile ago. She didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Annoyance was building inside my chest like a wall of bricks stacking up. I fought to breathe evenly. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but more than anything I wanted to ignore him. To pretend he didn’t exist. Too bad that was impossible since he was standing here in front of me. Again, I wondered what the hell he was doing here. How did he even know she was in the hospital?
“I appreciate you making sure Lennie got to the hospital after she passed out. The doctor’s said that you getting her here so quickly really made a difference. I mean, I know she doesn’t have a lot of time left. She’s at the end of her life. I’ve come to terms with that. But still, I don’t want it to be today. And thanks to you it doesn’t seem like it will be.” His voice wavered with emotion.
I froze. What was he saying? “But I-I thought…the-the treatments. They’re working. The tumor has shrunk.”
Rob shook his head, his forehead knitting together in confusion. “No. The treatments never worked. In fact, she stopped them months ago. Did she tell you they were working?”
A headache pricked at the back of my eyes. Had she? What the hell was going on? I returned my attention to Rob. “How did you know she was here?”
He cocked his head to the side, shrugged. “The hospital called.”
“You?” The walls bent around me. “And you came all the way from Southern California?” No, that wasn’t possible. That was hours away.
Rob let out a nervous laugh. “No, from down the street.” He narrowed his eyes warily. “I live here in San Francisco.”
“But I-I-thought you were in Southern California. You and Lennie broke up…and she came back here.”
“She told yo
u about that, huh?” His gaze darted to the ground, and he scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah. That’s true.” He paused as if formulating his next statement carefully. “You have to understand. It was a really tough time when she was first diagnosed. She was really depressed, and I didn’t know how to help her. We were fighting all the time, and it was making her worse. So I suggested she go home to her family. But once she left, I missed her. And I felt like an ass. I mean, I love Lennie, and I want to be with her even if she’s sick.” He swallowed hard, moisture filling his eyes. “So I got a job transfer and moved here.”
I felt hot. Too hot. I feared I would pass out. “W-when was that?”
“Um…maybe two months ago.”
That meant that the whole time Lennie was with me she was also with him? She lied to me. I fisted my hands at my sides, feeling myself coming undone. A montage of my times with Lennie filled my thoughts. I felt her lips moving over my mouth, her hands in my hair, her chest pressed against mine. I saw her traipsing around my apartment in her pajamas, saw her crouching beside me in the bathroom, remembered her cuddling up to me on the couch. How could she do all that if she was with him too?
I told her I loved her. She said it back.
“Are you okay, man?”
Glancing at Rob, I was struck with another memory. It crashed into me like a bolt of lightning, and it ripped through me, tearing apart my insides.
I was crouched in Lennie’s parents’ front yard, peering in the window. The woman I thought was Lennie’s mom sat at the kitchen table sipping coffee and reading the paper. Every time she turned the page she wiped her fingers on her pant leg. It reminded me of something Lennie used to do when we were in school. She was one of the brightest students in class and she’d always offer to write answers on the board. But she’d get whiteboard marker on her hands, so she’d constantly wipe her fingertips on her pants.
