by Roxy Wilson
But, today was different. It was not a time for recriminations and regret, but a time for renewal. No wonder Raina felt carefree and light, like all the burdens of her past were lifted from off her shoulders. After all, what was the use in reliving a past she couldn’t change? Her gaze darted towards Jordan’s still form. His eyes were closed but she knew he wasn’t sleeping, judging by his even breathing. She smiled. Yeah, everything’s gonna be all right. Isn’t that what the late reggae artiste had sung so many years ago? She needed to believe that. She needed to concentrate on the here and now. And right now she was having the time of her life for the first time in years. She glanced down at Jordan again. After a little wiggle here and there, Raina eventually settled on her side and watched Jordan, something she found herself doing a lot, in between their intense rounds of sex. Her eyes wandered lazily along his ruggedly handsome face, broad shoulders, muscular chest, flat tummy, his semi-erect cock, right down to his toned thighs and the tip of his toes. Raina scooted backwards until her back rested on the teak headboard. “So, what’s your story, Jordan?”
He opened his eyes. “Are you asking about my amputation?” Jordan glanced down at his below-knee leg amputation and grimaced.
“Yes, I am.”
“It’s the personal reminder of my failure.”
Raina lifted an eyebrow, “What failure?”
“How I failed to be there for Shannen.”
“Your girlfriend?”
“Fiancé,” Jordan replied abruptly. It was obvious this was a difficult area of discussion for him.
But, his discomfort wouldn’t prevent her from asking more questions. He had pushed her to face her demons, and she could do no less. What he didn’t yet know, was Raina could be pretty bull-headed, and this was one of those moments. She remembered what Jayce said about Jordan, and his melancholy. She wanted to help him in any way she could. Leaving nothing to chance, she had Googled him before she arrived at the resort. She wanted to have some idea of what had happened to him. However, she preferred he tell her his story himself. But, if he tried to dodged the bullets that came his way like trying to avoid her questions, she’d find another way to get him to open up to her, and get whatever was bothering him off his chest. It was the least she could for him.
“What do you mean? How did you fail Shannen?”
“I knew she was afraid of flying, but I coaxed her to go with me.”
“I still don’t understand…”
“What you don’t understand is; I’m the reason Shannen died.” Then he took a deep breath. “Of the forty-three people on the flight,” he continued, “I was the lone survivor.”
Raina nodded with understanding. “Jayce mentioned you had a terrible experience, but was leery about giving too many details.” It wasn’t very often Raina yielded to temptation, but that was exactly what she did when she caressed Jordan’s knee and felt the raised scars crisscrossing along it. There might have been a chance he’d be offended by her touch, but the fact that he hadn’t pulled away left her feeling relieved. “And you blame yourself because you lived and Shannen didn’t…that the other passengers and crew didn’t?”
“Shouldn’t I?” he raked his hand through his hair.
Raina raised her hand and stroke his cheek. “Have you been to a therapist?”
Jordan nodded his head. “Yes, I have. I did it against my better judgment. Lots of money was spent on rehabilitation and therapy but I still feel like crap.”
“Why do you feel that way?”
* * * *
Immediately Jordan plunged into the horror, the nightmare, of five years ago. “Shannen and I were on an island hopping adventure across the Caribbean. We had boarded a forty-eight seat aircraft bound for Trinidad.” Jordan dragged his hands through his hair. “All I remember is I heard one of the engines cut out mid-air, and the next minute, I was lying on a hospital bed. Apparently, I was such a chicken-shit, I blacked out mere seconds before the plane hit the ground.” Jordan reached over and rubbed his stump absentmindedly. “My injuries were severe. The doctors tried to save my leg, but nothing worked. When my condition stabilized, I was airlifted back to the U.S. to begin the long road to recovery. I didn’t even have the good fortune to die.” Jordan laughed bitterly. “No, that would have been too easy, it meant the gods would’ve been too kind. Hell, I couldn’t even help in the rescue efforts because I was out cold.”
“You still feel guilty, don’t you?”
“Every. Damn. Day.” Jordan saw what seemed like compassion and pain wrestling to take dominance over her features.
“What has life been like for you since the accident?”
Jordan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I didn’t learn I’d lost Shannen until about a week after the crash. I was devastated, and I think what made me feel even worse was that I was the only survivor. Damn. Why me?” Jordan crashed his clenched fist on his knee. “At first, I could only sleep a few minutes at a time. I had nightmares, my mind conjured up every imaginable horror it could muster. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, couldn’t bear for anyone to be near me, except my cousin Caleb. I was a hermit.” Jordan turned to her with tortured eyes. “I was a fucking hermit.”
“From what I’ve heard, PTSD is not a condition someone overcomes very easily. It takes time, lots of it. Have things gotten any better for you?”
“It wasn’t just PTSD.” Jordan glanced down at his stump. “I had to learn to be me again, or at least a new version of me.” When he saw her questioning look he said grimly, “I spent hours in therapy doing exercises so I could learn how to balance, to walk, to kneel.” Jordan shook his head. “Basic activities I’d taken for granted, I had to relearn.” His eyes flitted toward the prosthesis he’d discarded a few hours earlier. “Cleaning and drying the interior of the socket became my new favorite activities, because I didn’t want to focus on my loss, my pain.” Jordan swung his legs to the side, his good leg dangling off the bed, but made no attempt to rise up. He simply leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs. “I live in hell, Raina. I feel sucked in. I can hardly breathe at times.”
Raina slipped off the bed and knelt down in front of Jordan. How could she resist touching him? Certainly not when he was so vulnerable. His hair fell over his eyes and after a moment’s hesitation, she reached up and flicked the wayward locks away. “What makes you feel guiltiest?”
His laughter lacked humor. “The crash occurred on Shannen’s twenty ninth birthday.” Jordan was in anguish. “My God! Shannen died on her birthday. I wanted it to be her special day, and then we would’ve celebrated mine the following day. I took her parents’ daughter, their only daughter, on a trip which led to her death.” His voice became hoarse. “How could I get over something of such magnitude? How could her parents get over it?”
“You think Shannen’s parents hate you?”
“Wouldn’t you, if you were in their shoes?” he countered.
“No, I wouldn’t. If I knew my daughter was with the man she loved, a man who wanted to show her a good time, to celebrate her special day with her. I’d be happy my daughter’s final moments were spent with a man I had trusted with her hand and heart. I’d want that man to go on living his life, not to waste the precious gift of his second chance. I’d hope maybe, just maybe, that man would meet another special someone he could love one day.”
“I don’t think I deserve their forgiveness.” Jordan sighed in relief when he saw Raina nod in agreement. For once someone understands. Jordan’s relief was short-lived, pretty much like his happy moments.
“You don’t deserve their forgiveness, because there’s nothing to forgive. Shannen’s parents didn’t only lose a daughter five years ago Jordan, they lost a son.” Raina pointed a slender finger at his chest. “They lost you. It must have hurt like hell when you didn’t allow them to grieve with you or comfort you. You were the last person to be with her. I’m sure they would’ve wanted to share those memories with you.” Raina stroked his cheeks. “Isn’t the poin
t of our existence not how long we live, but how well we live? I have to admit dying at age twenty-nine is a tragic loss for family and friends left behind to mourn, but didn’t Shannen live a meaningful life…a life worth remembering? Remember, she had you and her family to love and support her. To be there for her during her triumphs and disappointments.” Raina reached over and kissed him gently on his cheek. “I have a strong feeling they’d want you to find happiness again.” Raina got back on her feet, planted a kiss on his head and got back into bed.
Jordan scooted over until he too leaned against the headboard. “How can I ever be happy again?”
“You truly believed Shannen loved you, right?” When she saw his nod, she continued, “Would she want you to live the way you have been?”
“No.”
“Could you control the weather? The pilot’s actions? Any of the other things that went wrong in the plane?” Jordan shook his head and she continued. “Things went terribly wrong that day. Things you had no control over. So don’t blame yourself. You suffered too, Jordan. You suffered both physically and psychologically.”
Jordan dragged her close to him and hugged her fiercely. She gently pushed against his chest until it was easier for her to look him directly in his eyes. “Damn, Raina. This was supposed to be a fun-filled night for you. Not one where your jerk-of-a-date unburdened his problems on you.”
“Do you see me complaining?”
“You’re not supposed to make me feel good. I’m supposed to silently wallow in self-pity. I’m supposed to throw a pity party with me as the only guest.”
“But you’re not going to do it, are you?” she asked teasingly.
Jordan flashed a smiled. “I guess not.”
“And what are you going to do instead?” Raina leaned over again and kissed him gently, but this time on his lips.
“I’m going to make love to a very beautiful, very special lady.”
* * * *
What an incredible night it was! Jordan awoke beside the beautiful woman who had captured his heart. He had never thought he would be given a second shot at happiness. He looked at the woman sleeping besides him. The only thing she wore was her smile and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He frowned as he thought of what she had endured at the hands of her ex. The bastard was too stupid to understand that he’d had everything a man could ever want in a woman. But, her damn ex’s loss was his gain, and for that he was grateful. But, for how long? How long could he have her? Jordan was fully aware this was just supposed to be a blind date, after which they would both go their separate ways. But, was that what he really wanted? For the first time in years he felt relaxed and upbeat. His soul was cleansed of the guilt he had felt for so long.
So damn long.
As if pulled by a magnetic force, he slid his fingers gently along Raina’s arm. Such smooth, soft skin, worn by a woman, resilient in the face of such difficulties. What a woman! Would she consider giving both of them a chance to see if they were compatible outside the confines of the bedroom? Or would she run for the hills, knowing fully that although last night was a breakthrough, as far as his heart and soul were concerned, there was still so much more to overcome, for him to feel completely whole again? Would she willingly stick around? He’d really like that. They certainly heated up the sheets, but he felt there could be more. Perhaps there could be a real commitment to each other if given enough time to make it work, really work. Jordan observed Raina, stretched out with unaffected grace. Not long after, she yawned daintily and opened her eyes. Her gaze focused on him for a moment. His heart skipped a beat when she smiled.
“Morning, beautiful.” Jordan kissed her lips softly.
“And a good morning to you, too.” Raina raised herself so she could lean back against her elbows. “You look so pensive. What have you been thinking about?”
How intuitive! “About what you said last night.”
Raina laughed. “I said lots of things last night,” she replied playfully. “You’ve got to be more specific.” She twirled her finger around a lock of his hair.
Jordan raised his head just high enough so he could nibble at her neck playfully. “Smart Alec!” he joked. Then he got serious. “I was just thinking I needed to pay a visit to two people I’ve neglected for a very long time. For five years actually.”
“You mean Shannen’s parents?”
“Yes.”
Raina closed her eyes very briefly and when she opened them relief was clearly etched on her face. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Very serious,” Jordan confirmed as he looked at Raina steadily. He grasped her hand and placed a warm kiss on her palm. “A certain lady told me I needed to reconnect with the two people who were an important part of my life for a long time, until I severed ties with them. I’ve got to make amends.”
“They’ll be so glad to have you back in their lives. I bet that’s all that will matter to them.”
God, this woman is a treasure.
“I’m really hoping so.”
Raina’s smile was as bright as the light of day. And it warmed Jordan’s heart to know he was the one to put that smile on her face.
“Think you’d like to have some company?”
“Are you asking if you can come with me?”
Raina nodded.
“I thought you’d never ask. Of course, I’d want you to accompany me.” Before he realized what was happening, Raina had him wrapped up in her arms.
Home. Being in her arms felt like home. Jordan could feel her heart beating rapidly just below his chest. Okay, so his body shouldn’t be reacting like this, not after the night he and Raina had shared. But, damn if his body wasn’t hardening. Her bosom was cushioned against him, the intoxicating scent of her perfume, his musky cologne and sex clung to her skin. “I’ve got a hankering for you now, baby.”
She looked down at his cock, a half smile on her face. “I can tell.”
“So are you gonna do anything about it?”
“You don’t even have to ask.” Raina sashayed off the bed, pulled open the top drawer of the side table and grasped the foil packet inside. She took out a condom, straddled Jordan’s hips and sheathed his swollen organ. Raina took him all in and gave him the ride of his life.
* * * *
How could a man I met only a few hours ago make me feel so alive, so beautiful, so everything-that-was-good? The night far exceeded her expectations. At first Raina had gone to the resort grudgingly, just so she could get her meddlesome best friend off her back. Then, she had felt inadequate when she saw the fine specimen intended to be her date. Now, she felt confident and totally, yeah totally, sexually sated. But, that wasn’t the only thing she felt. Raina felt a deep connection with Jordan. She felt the distinct possibility things could work out between them. Sure, it was not the most conventional way to start a relationship with someone. But shit, it was the twenty-first century and romance didn’t always happen the way my grandmother’s, or even my mother’s did back in the day.
Raina was so into Jordan. She would do just about anything to see where this thing with them could go. He now seemed willing to confront his issues, and learn to deal with them. She was glad they could both be honest about their feelings. She would deal with her body image issues and experiences with the asshole who was her ex. He would deal with his loss and pain. And they could do it together. Raina found herself taking some deep, satiating breaths, as she mentally tucked these moments she’d spent with Jordan into the back of her mind, to be taken out from time to time, to be savored over and over again. Like fine wine or hidden treasures.
“Okay, so I needed to tell you some things before I got distracted.” Raina laughed ruefully, she knew if she was light in complexion, her ears would have been totally red by now. “You are a distraction, you know that?”
“I am?” Jordan extended one leg, and propped his chin on his cupped palm. “Tell me about it.”
“You do things to me, Jordan. Make me feel things I haven’t fel
t in a long time.”
“Like what?”
Raina made a sweeping motion with her hand. “Never in a million years would I have been with you here, doing the things we’ve done.” She dipped her head, because all of a sudden she couldn’t meet Jordan’s eyes.
Jordan clutched some locks of hair, which shielded Raina’s face and tucked them behind her ear. He placed his finger under her chin and gently raised it. “Look at me.”
Slowly Raina raised her eyes to meet his.
“You regret being with me last night?”
Raina shook her head. “No, I don’t regret a thing.”
Jordan looked heavenward and released a huge breath. “Neither do I, okay?” His slow smile made Raina feel all weak and mushy inside. “So finish telling me what you wanted to say.”
Raina looked down at Jordan and smiled. “See what I told you? You distract me.” She punched him playfully on his arm and then she whispered, even though it was only the two of them in the room, “Jayce is crushing on your cousin Caleb and I think we should set them up on a date. One good turn deserves another, don’t you think?”
“I think it’s a good idea.”
Raina couldn’t wait to set their plans in motion. Her match-making best friend wouldn’t know what hit her.
“Perhaps, we can arrange the date for next week?”
“It’s done.” Jordan reached out and clasped her hands. “And the second?”
