Plain Peace

by Beth Wiseman

  Jacob stood taller and spoke firmly. “Eli, you’ve cut your hand, and Mamm needs to tend to it. I’ll clean up this glass.”

  “Go away, Jacob!” Eli brought his knees to his chest and buried his head, his bloodstained hands wrapped around himself. “It should have been me! I should have been the one who died, not Leah.” Eli’s shoulders shook as he sobbed, and he looked much younger than his twelve years.

  Jacob eased toward Eli and squatted in front of him. He spoke softly. “Nee, Eli. That’s not true.” He touched his brother lightly on the arm. “It was God’s will what happened to Leah.” Jacob cringed, knowing how many times he had questioned the Lord’s will over the past year. He knew it was even harder for Eli to understand the reasoning behind their sister’s death. “Mamm needs to tend to your hand.”

  Eli lifted his head, his bottom lip trembling, his nose and cheeks bright red. “I was always the one on that side of the plow. Leah only took over because I was tired.”

  Jacob swallowed back a lump in his throat as he stared into his brother’s eyes. “Nee, Eli. Things happen according to God’s plan, not ours. God numbers our days. It was Leah’s time.” Even as he spoke the words, he had trouble believing them. “Now, you let Mamm tend to your hand.” He reached for Eli’s hand, and after a quick inspection, he could tell it wouldn’t need stitches.

  “Daed hates me. That’s why he’s never around.” A tear rolled down Eli’s cheek as Jacob accepted a wet rag from his mother and began dabbing the cut. For the first time, he had an urge to punch his father.

  “That’s not true.” Mamm stepped closer, but Eli kept his eyes on Jacob’s, waiting for a response.

  “Mamm’s right. That’s not true. Daed feels responsible for Leah’s death, like you do.” Jacob paused, wondering if in some way each one of them felt responsible. Jacob knew he did. When she slipped, he’d been the one closest to her. Why hadn’t he moved quicker and latched onto her arm? “And both of you are wrong. You can’t carry that false burden, Eli. It isn’t right.”

  “Then why is Daed doing it?” Eli cringed as Jacob finished wiping blood from his hand. Jacob didn’t have an answer for his brother.

  “Come on. Get up so we can clean this glass up.” He glanced around the area. “What happened, anyway?”

  Eli hung his head and spoke in a whisper. “I got mad and threw it down.”

  Jacob let out a heavy sigh. “Well, at least it wasn’t lit.” He stood up, offered Eli a hand, and pulled him to his feet. “Go on upstairs. I’ll clean this up.”

  “Where’s your friend? Is she still waiting outside?” Mamm had left and returned with a broom and dustpan. She started sweeping the glass into a pile, still sniffling. Jacob couldn’t remember seeing his mother cry before Leah’s death. Now it seemed that everything caused her to weep. Knowing he should be sensitive to that, he still spoke harshly to her.

  “Ya, Mamm. She’s outside. Would you have wanted me to bring her in to see this?” Jacob put his hands on his hips. “And where is Daed, anyway? Guess he isn’t resting. Where is he?”

  Mamm squatted and scooped the broken glass into the dustpan, shaking her head. “I don’t know.”

  Jacob was quiet for a few moments as he watched a tear roll down his mother’s cheek. “Do you want me to stay? Are you gonna be all right?”

  “Nee, nee.” She stood up. “I’ll be fine. You go be with your friend. I shouldn’t have called, but . . .” She pulled a tissue from her apron pocket and dabbed at her eyes. “But Eli was yelling, and I was worried he’d hurt himself even more.”

  Jacob nodded. At twelve, Eli was as big as their mother—hard for her to control when he was so upset.

  “I think I should take Anna home and then come back here.” He sighed. Anna’s plan had already robbed the outing of any potential joy. With this added to the mix, he was ready to just be alone.

  “Nee.” Mamm actually stomped one foot. “You go, Jacob. You go and don’t think about any of this. I shouldn’t have called you. This is your father’s job to—” She stopped, pressed her lips together, then locked eyes with Jacob. “Go. And have a gut time.”

  Jacob wasn’t sure that was possible, but he knew he’d left Anna outside for too long already. “I’ll think about it.”

  Mamm kissed him on the cheek before he walked back outside. Anna was sitting in the passenger seat, probably wondering why he was so rude to leave her outside. He wasn’t sure how to explain things to her in a way that wouldn’t make his family sound as broken as they were.

  He untied Bolt and climbed into the seat beside her. “Anna, I’m so sorry to leave you outside like that. There was a problem with mei bruder.”

  She started shaking her head right away. “Don’t apologize. Really. Family must come first.” She turned in her seat to face him. “Is everything okay?”

  Jacob eased the buggy backward and got it turned around. “Ya. Sure.” He wondered how convincing he was, since all he really wanted to do was cry—and a nineteen-year-old man just didn’t do that. He got Bolt into a steady trot down the driveway, then onto the gravel road. The last thing he felt like doing was being around a crowd of people.

  “Nee. I don’t think everything is okay. And, Jacob, if you’d like to just take me home and be with your family, please know that’s all right.”

  Her voice was soft and compassionate, her eyes sincere. He thought for a few moments before he answered her.

  “How would you feel if we just get some coffee somewhere instead of going to the singing?” Then he remembered her plan to show him off to everyone, to let them know she was available for dating. “Ach, never mind. I know you wanted to go to—”

  “I’d love to.” She sat taller, batting her beautiful eyes at him.

  “Really?” He swallowed hard, wondering how much to tell her over coffee. If she knew what a wreck his family was, she’d probably steer clear of him from now on. But his need to talk to someone his own age was outweighing concerns over what she might think of him. He’d tried to talk to Carolyn before he left, but she always seemed impatient for him to get over Leah, get past it, accept the accident as God’s will and move on. He’d tried to do that, but talking about it would have helped. He’d only gone out with Carolyn a couple of times, but they’d grown up together. Jacob had expected her to be more understanding.

  “If you turn left when you get to Lincoln Highway, there’s a diner. It’s pretty new. I haven’t been there, but I heard it’s good.” Anna’s smile seemed genuine, and Jacob nodded. Even if she didn’t want to be more than friends, he could use a friend right now. Maybe he’d just tell her everything.

  Or maybe not.

  Marianne felt a thrill as she tiptoed down the basement stairs, along with a tiny tingle of guilt. She knew she shouldn’t be keeping secrets from her husband, but all those years of living with her husband’s authoritative ways had driven her to it. At least that’s what she kept telling herself.

  Stretching high on her toes, she reached atop the door frame and felt around for her key. Once it was in the lock, she turned the knob and walked into the closet, which was more like a small room. She flipped the switch on the battery-operated light she had hung on the wall inside the door, then she pulled her small box from the shelf and eased into her padded armchair in the corner of the small space. As she struggled to open the box, her heart raced. Even though Hector’s timing had been terrible, she’d been waiting for this package to arrive. She pulled the cell phone from its container, excited to have Internet to order things with the credit card she’d gotten recently. Isaac would come unhinged if he knew she had a credit card, but having to send money orders for all her purchases had become a hindrance. And she was careful to pay the bill in full each month.

  After she read the instructions, she realized she would have to find a place to charge the phone before she could use it. She glanced around at everything she’d collected over the years. It was nothing short of a miracle that Anna hadn’t been more suspicious and found a
ll of her goodies, but she suspected her granddaughter would keep her secret. It was all harmless enough.

  She put the phone in her lap and reached for her aromatherapy lotion from Bath & Body Works and lathered the silky fragrance on her dry hands. She’d been ordering soaps, lotions, shampoo, and even laundry detergent through the mail for some time now—all items she used to make from scratch. Isaac never took notice of such things, and if Anna knew—which she likely did—she never said anything. Making them had become a struggle when Marianne’s arthritis acted up, and she didn’t want to ask Anna to take on anything else. Her granddaughter had plenty to do already.

  Marianne did her shopping when no one was home. She had a pile of catalogs and Englisch magazines stacked on one of the shelves, and over the years she had begun to order other items. She reached for the Sears catalog. Next on her list was a bright pink sweater with pearl buttons. She’d never owned anything like it, though she’d loved the color since she was a young girl. Even though she would never be able to wear the sweater anywhere but this room, it would give her comfort to wrap up in its softness, enjoy her hand lotion, and read one of the many books she’d bought.

  The little tingle of guilt returned, but she knew it would go away. She’d married Isaac before she had an opportunity to have much of a rumschpringe. Maybe she wouldn’t have felt the need for such luxuries if she had taken advantage of her running-around period. But honestly, where was the harm?

  She glanced around at the items she’d collected over the years, thinking the Lord would understand.

  Even if her husband wouldn’t.

  5

  ANNA’S HEART WAS HEAVY AS SHE LISTENED TO JACOB explain about his oldest sister’s death. The more he talked, the more she could feel his pain—and how much his family meant to him. Guilt flooded over her about the way she’d guessed his family to be perfect.

  “I don’t remember my parents’ dying, and I just can’t imagine what that must have been like for all of you.”

  Jacob took a sip of coffee, set it down, and shook his head. “I’ve burdened you with my problems since we got here. Tell me about your life, your grandparents.”

  Anna shrugged. “Well, let’s see. I believe you already know that mei daadi is very strict.” She paused as she circled the rim of her cup with her finger. “And mei mammi is one of the kindest people there is, even though . . .” Pausing, she met his eyes. “Don’t get me wrong—I know that the man is the head of the household. But Mammi keeps a lot of secrets from Daadi because she feels he’s too strict about some things.”

  “Do you? Think he’s too strict?” Jacob was so easy on the eyes that Anna was finding it hard to keep her thoughts straight.

  “Uh, ya. I do. But he means well, and he truly loves everyone in our district.” She pinched off a piece of pretzel and dipped it in cheese sauce. “I could live on pretzels, I think.”

  He smiled. “For me, it’s whoopee pies. Leah used to make the best ones.”

  Anna pinched another piece but then just sat there, staring at Jacob. He wasn’t just great looking. He was also devoted to his family and sought peace in his heart. But his spirit was broken, and she wondered about his faith. Anna often felt like she was on a battlefield when it came to her faith—God on one side, her grandfather on the other—both shooting directives at her that often clashed. Sometimes what she felt in her heart, what she believed God wanted, was not the same as what her grandfather wanted. But she had to live with her daadi, so she tried to balance what she believed was the right way to live.

  “It sounds like you and Leah were very close.” Anna finally dipped the pretzel and took another bite.

  “Ya. I’ll be twenty in March. Leah would have been twenty-one in April.” He took a sip of coffee, a faraway look in his eyes. “She was promised to a gut fellow back in Middlefield. He took her death as hard as the rest of us.”

  “We don’t have to talk about this anymore if you don’t want to.” Anna took a deep breath and bit her lip. “I mean, I’m enjoying getting to know you, but I don’t want you to feel—”

  “Nee. It’s gut to talk about Leah.” He smiled. “I want to always remember how great she was.” He tipped his head to one side. “You have the same light that Leah had.”

  Anna blushed. “Really?”

  “Ya. You’re easy to be around like she was.”

  She hung on the compliment for a few moments, then changed the subject to work, and she learned that Jacob worked at the lumberyard. She told him that she delivered Mammi’s baked goods to local bakeries and detailed a bit about her days, the chores she took care of.

  Their time together was casual, comfortable, and the most fun she’d had in a long while.

  “It’s nearing seven o’clock. I guess we need to go.” Jacob glanced around the diner. “I don’t see our waitress.”

  Anna didn’t either, but she recognized the woman walking toward them. Lucy Turner. Lucy’s hair was shorter and a different color now, but this was definitely the Englisch woman who’d wrecked Katie Ann and Ivan Stoltzfus’s marriage. Anna never quite knew what to say to her.

  “Here’s your check.” Lucy smiled as she put the bill on the table. “Cindy’s shift ended—Oh hi, Anna.”

  “Hello, Lucy . . . Um, how’s Benjamin doing?”

  Anna and Lucy stumbled through an awkward conversation while Jacob went to pay the check. Lucy hurried off to check on other customers just as Jacob returned. “You know the waitress?” he asked.

  “Not well. I babysat for her once.” No point in spreading gossip. Jacob was bound to hear about Lucy Turner soon enough. Anna stood and smoothed the wrinkles from her dress. “Danki for the coffee . . . and the company.”

  Jacob nodded, and they headed for the exit. Fifteen minutes later they were pulling into Anna’s driveway.

  “Ten minutes to spare,” Jacob said as he eyed the clock on his cell phone. Grinning, he added, “Guess this will have to go.”

  “Daadi is pretty strict about the use of cell phones.” Anna shook her head as she stepped out of the buggy. Jacob quickly walked around to where she was standing.

  “Do you, uh, want to do this again? Maybe go to the pizza place for supper sometime?” Jacob pushed back the tip of his straw hat and kept his eyes on hers.

  Anna couldn’t believe it. A real date—one she hadn’t initiated. “Sure.”

  Jacob smiled. “What about Saturday?”

  “Okay.” Anna suddenly felt tongue-tied and couldn’t even look at him.

  “Great. See you then. Four o’clock?”

  Anna nodded. “I better go in.”

  Jacob just stood there, kicking at the ground for a few moments. They’d talked about so much, it seemed like a hug was in order, but she wasn’t sure what to do. She took a few steps backward, keeping her eyes on him, then gave a quick wave before she turned and ran up the porch steps. She was anxious to tell her grandparents about Jacob and his family.

  And she was particularly anxious about Saturday night.

  When she walked in, both of her grandparents were standing side by side in the living room, both frowning.

  “Isaac, you remember what I told you,” Mammi whispered as Anna closed the door behind her.

  Her grandfather moved quickly toward her and grabbed her arm. Hard. He’d never done such a thing. “Where have you been?” he asked, his eyebrows drawn in.

  “I . . . I was at the coffee shop, and—” She blinked a few times, hoping she wouldn’t cry, but his forceful hold told her she was in big trouble.

  “Emma came by looking for you. She said you never made it to the singing, and she was worried about you.” Daadi finally let go of her arm, but he threw his next words at her like stones. “You will not see that boy again.”

  She put a hand to her heart and blinked back tears. “What? You haven’t let me explain. There was—”

  “Go now! Upstairs to your room.” Her grandfather pointed toward the stairs.

  Anna looked at her grandmother
, but Mammi’s hands hung at her sides, and she was staring at the floor.

  “There was a reason we didn’t go to the singing, and if you’d just let me—”

  Daadi took a step toward her. He had never hit her except to spank her as a child, but the way his fists were clenched at his sides was enough to send her running to the stairs.

  She slammed her bedroom door behind her, and with the mindset of someone half her age, she said aloud, “Oh, I will see him again. And you can’t stop me.”

  Marianne glared at her husband before she stomped to their bedroom. Isaac was quickly on her heels.

  “Why such a look? Do you want our girl off running wild, going with boys to places we have not approved of? She didn’t go to the singing like she said.”

  Marianne sat down on the bed, slipped off her black leather shoes, and slid her socked feet into a pair of slippers. Sighing, she looked up at her husband. “You will push her away from us, Isaac. You didn’t even give the child a chance to explain.”

  Isaac pulled his hat off and tossed it onto the bed, then stroked his beard as he sat down beside her. “We don’t know that boy. He should have taken her where he said he was taking her, and that’s all. There is no excuse. And I saw how worried you were when Emma came calling and said she wasn’t at the singing.”

  Marianne scratched her forehead, feeling a headache coming on. She’d only had a tiny piece of shoofly pie, but her sugar was surely spiking. She felt a bit dizzy and not in the mood for a confrontation with her husband. Over the years she’d learned to just let things go. But when it came to Anna, she felt inclined to stick up for her granddaughter.

  “Ya, I was worried, but not terribly alarmed. And Anna came home on time, apparently with an explanation.” She turned to Isaac and frowned. “But you wouldn’t let her speak.”

  “Young people Anna’s age need discipline. You know that.”

  “Now, Isaac . . . if you’ll recall, we were married by the time we were Anna’s age. She’s eighteen years old, and she’s not even participated in much of a rumschpringe, so you need to give the girl some freedoms.” Or she’ll end up like me—hiding things in the basement.