by Beth Wiseman
Lucy thought about Marianne’s transformed house. “Maybe that will change soon.”
“I don’t know why it would,” Noah said sadly. “Anyway, you know what the pay is, and I can provide you with insurance. We typically don’t pay for dependents’ insurance, but in this case—”
“No. I’ll pay for Benjamin. And you can take what Mother and I owe you out of my first checks.” She looked down. “I mean, if you decide to hire me.”
“When could you start?”
“I’ve been at the diner for a while, so I wouldn’t feel right not giving them at least a week’s notice.”
“Then let’s plan on you starting a week from today. How’s that?”
“Really?” Lucy twisted the strap on the purse in her lap.
“Yes, really. Francine won’t be leaving until after Labor Day, so that would give her a few days to train you.”
Lucy was quiet for a few moments. “I’m sorry I didn’t return your last phone call. It’s just that I . . .”
“No worries. There will be other family events, and I’ll know where to find you.” Noah stood up and extended his hand. “Welcome to Stoltzfus Clinic. See you soon.”
Lucy felt the smile stretch across her face. “Thank you, Dr. Stoltzfus.”
“Just Noah.” He smiled. “We’re family, after all.”
Lucy could barely hold back the tears as she left the building. God was blessing her over and over. She was abundantly thankful for this new job and the way that Noah wanted to include her and Benjamin in his family.
But she wondered about Noah’s sisters and his other relatives. Would they be as accepting? Or was she just setting herself and Benjamin up for more rejection?
Cora watched John shuffle from the bathroom to his side of the bed as he did every night. She thought about the way Marianne had stood up to her husband and the compromises they’d reached. Cora wondered if there was anything she could do to shock John back into being himself. If not, maybe it would be better for him to just leave. Divorce wasn’t an option, of course, but maybe they could live apart for a while.
The truth was, John was making everyone in the family miserable. Mostly Cora. The kinner didn’t say much, but Cora could tell they missed their father—the young boys especially.
She’d already bathed, so she slipped into her nightgown, sat down on the edge of the bed, and brushed her hair. Their routine was as predictable as the sun rising and setting each day. If there was any conversation forthcoming, Cora knew it would be stilted, if not just plain mean.
She still couldn’t believe John’s reaction to her pregnancy. Whatever. The more she thought about it, the more his attitude crawled beneath her skin and festered. By the time she finished brushing her hair, her heart was racing, her face flushed, and her hands were trembling. As her emotions spiked, she felt her senses take leave, and this new Cora was pulsing with enough adrenaline to squash John Hostetler into a million pieces if he wasn’t careful.
She walked around to his side of the bed and stared down at him until he took off his reading glasses and closed the book in his lap.
“What?” His expressionless face seemed like a slap to hers. “Why are you just standing there staring at me?” He opened the book again and slipped his glasses back on.
At first Cora stood there frozen, her teeth gritted, her hands knotted into fists. Then something finally snapped. She felt like a dog gone rabid as she jerked the book from her husband’s lap and heaved it across the room. It slammed into the wall and fell to the floor, spine up. Cora noticed for the first time what John was reading. Entanglement by Louise Parsons. An Englisch murder mystery. She had told herself that maybe the book he kept in his nightstand was a Bible study of some sort. Why hadn’t she ever opened the drawer and looked?
“What are you doing?” John jumped out of the bed, threw his hands up in the air, and glared at Cora.
“Nee, John. What are you doing? I’m sick and tired of this! Everyone in this family misses Leah, but we don’t have the luxury of just checking out of life like you have! You’re not doing your job, John. You’re not taking care of me or your family.”
“How dare you.” John’s face reddened, and his lip trembled. “I provide a gut living for this family. I work long hours and—”
“Stop it! Just stop it!” Cora screamed and stomped her foot. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
Panic crossed John’s face. “Keep your voice down.”
“I will not!” she screamed back at him. “Something has to change, John. We can’t keep living like this.” She realized she had her hands on her stomach. She hadn’t even been aware of doing that. “We’re having a boppli. He or she will not replace Leah, but there is a life growing inside of me, John.”
He didn’t answer. He turned away from her and stared out the window.
“We have to talk about this, John. About this child that is coming. And about Leah. We never talk about her anymore. Don’t you think the rest of us are hurting too? We all miss her.”
“But it’s my fault she’s gone.” John spoke barely above a whisper, his face still turned away.
“That’s not true.” But that’s what she’d told herself, wasn’t it—that it was his fault? She’d needed to put the blame on someone. And that was wrong. She knew she needed to let go of the blame and trust in God’s will. But knowing and doing weren’t necessarily the same thing.
Could she let go now?
Could her husband?
“John, you can’t keep blaming yourself like this. It was God’s will that our beautiful maedel was taken. And you have other kinner who need you.” She took a few steps toward him, wanting to wrap her arms around his waist. But she didn’t.
She waited for him to say something. To turn around. Anything. But he didn’t move, and neither did she.
“This is my punishment,” he finally said, his head hung low.
Cora eased her way closer but still didn’t touch him. “Punishment for what?”
John turned around, and Cora brought a hand to her chest when she saw the tears streaming down his face. “God took Leah because I cheated on you all those years ago. And I turned the plow too sharp. That’s why she’s gone. It’s my fault on all accounts.” He covered his face with his hands and wept.
Cora swallowed hard and moved closer. Part of her longed to reach out and embrace him, but she didn’t dare. She was so used to him pulling away from her that she wasn’t ready to set herself up for that, even though she wanted nothing more than to comfort him.
“It was an accident, John. It’s not your fault. And God doesn’t work like that. He doesn’t punish an affair by killing a child. He forgave you a long time ago, just like I did.”
Even as she said the words, she found herself wondering if they were really true. Had she really forgiven John? She honestly didn’t know. But she knew she had to forgive now.
“You have to come back to the world of the living, John. You’re hurting yourself.” She hesitated, then added in a whisper, “You’re hurting all of us.”
He pulled his hands from his face, his cheeks moist, his eyes puffy. “I feel so awful, Cora. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed or to even live. I can’t . . .” He clenched his fists at his sides. “I can’t stand the pain. And it takes everything I have to keep going.”
John began to sob so hard that Cora starting crying too. “We need each other, John. I know how you feel. I lost her too. I feel the pain you feel.” Cora spoke the words, but she could see now that John’s pain had taken him to a bad place, a place so dark that he couldn’t seem to find the light anymore. And she didn’t know how to bring the light to him.
She finally wrapped her arms around his waist, and her husband latched onto her in a way he hadn’t done in months, burying his head on her shoulder. Cora stroked his hair as she’d done so often for the kinner when they were upset. John continued to sob as if Leah’s death had just happened minutes ago. And for the first time, she re
alized that John was suffering in a different way than she was. He didn’t just miss their daughter. He was blaming himself twofold. He was drowning in blame.
Cora finally got him tucked back in bed. He was still crying. Cora got into bed with him, cradling him in her arms until he finally fell asleep.
All this time she’d been wanting John to take care of her and the children. But her husband couldn’t even take care of himself. And she didn’t know if she had it in her to care for him the way he needed.
Once John was asleep, Cora sat up in bed. For a long time.
And as soon as it was daylight, she called the only person she could think of who might be able to help them.
22
ANNA RODE WITH HER GRANDFATHER TO JACOB’S house. They were quiet most of the trip, but then her grandfather spoke up.
“I don’t think anyone ever gets over the loss of a child.” Then he turned to Anna and smiled—something Anna hadn’t seen him do since Mammi’s overhaul of the house.
“You are a lot like both of your parents. Your mother was kind and loving, a gentle soul. And your father was a strong man with a willful spirit, but he always had gut intentions.” He paused, a faraway expression on his face. “The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. It is how we deal with the latter that defines our destiny. We can choose to survive. Or we can just die inside.”
Anna knew that her grandfather wasn’t just talking about John Hostetler. He rarely talked about Anna’s parents, but he was obviously thinking of them now. From what she’d heard, he’d been in a bad way for a long time after her parents’ death. If anyone could help Jacob’s father, it was Daadi.
When they arrived at Jacob’s, she helped her grandfather get the horse and buggy settled, then followed him up the walkway to the Hostetlers’. She wasn’t sure why Daadi had asked her to come along. He’d even asked her mammi to make the bakery deliveries today so that Anna could join him on this trip. Jacob was at work, so it wasn’t that Daadi thought she’d want to see him.
Jacob’s mother was waiting for them at the door. “Danki for coming, Bishop Byler.” She opened the screen and ushered them inside. “All of the kinner are busying themselves, so it’s just John and me at home.” She smiled at Anna. “And I’m so glad you came with your daadi. We’re very excited about your upcoming marriage to Jacob, and we are looking forward to getting to know you better.”
“Danki.” Anna smiled as she continued on into the living room. Cora’s eyes were swollen, but her welcome was genuine, and Anna said a quick prayer that her grandfather would be able to help Jacob’s father.
“He doesn’t know you’re coming, Bishop. I told him to take a break from work today, and surprisingly he agreed. He’s in our bedroom.” Cora nodded toward a closed door. “Should I go tell him you’re here?”
Anna’s grandfather shook his head. “He won’t be happy to see me. And that’s all right. I’ll just go on in, if that’s all right with you?”
Cora nodded. “Ya.”
Anna now knew that it was her role to keep Cora occupied, to distract her from what was going on in the other room. Cora’s eyes were fixated on the door, so Anna spoke up.
“Did Jacob tell you that we are thinking about having the wedding the last weekend of October?”
Cora turned to face her, joy beaming through her worry. “Ya, he did. That’s not much time to plan a wedding, but what fun we’ll have doing it. I know your mammi will be doing most of the work, but I hope you’ll let me help. We . . . we’ve never had a wedding in our family.”
Anna and Cora spent the next hour talking about the wedding and glancing from time to time at the bedroom door. Every once in a while, Anna heard faint voices, but she couldn’t hear anything that was said. Finally, the door opened.
Cora stood up from where she and Anna were seated on the couch, and Anna did too. Daadi and Jacob’s father walked into the living room together. “Danki for coming, Bishop.” John Hostetler reached out and shook her grandfather’s hand.
Daadi simply nodded, then told Anna it was time for them to go.
“Is he going to be okay?” Anna asked as they headed home.
Her grandfather flicked the reins and picked up speed. “It will take some time. These things are not easy.”
“But he’ll get better?”
“Ya, mei maedel. I believe he will.”
They were quiet the rest of the way.
Lucy unpacked her mother’s things at the care facility. Her mother hadn’t spoken one word to her in three days, ever since Lucy told her she would be moving here. Cora had offered to watch Benjamin while Lucy got her mother settled.
“So, are you ever going to speak to me again?” In some ways, Lucy wished she wouldn’t.
Mom didn’t move from her spot on the twin bed. Lucy felt sorry for the person in the other bed, who seemed to be sleeping. That poor soul would awaken to find Alice Turner as her roommate, a fate Lucy wouldn’t wish on anyone.
She recalled the way her mother used to be, and guilt nipped at her. She reminded herself that Mom wasn’t mean by nature. It was the stroke—or maybe Alzheimer’s. Noah had said there were some new treatments they could try. But even then, Mom would probably never be her old self. Something had changed in her brain. She couldn’t help being the way she was.
“I have all your toiletries in the bathroom, and all your clothes are unpacked in the dresser. Can you think of anything you need?”
“A daughter who loves me. That would be nice.” Mom frowned as she glared at Lucy.
“You have a daughter who loves you.” Lucy stowed her mother’s red suitcase in the small closet on her side of the room.
“Really?” Lucy’s mother looked all around the room. “Because I don’t see a daughter who loves me. The only daughter I see is one who is locking me up in an old folks’ home.”
That stung, but Lucy couldn’t think of an alternative arrangement. Just last week her mother had caught a kitchen towel on fire. It was bad enough living with mean, but Lucy couldn’t have her mother being a danger to Benjamin.
“Mom, you know why you got kicked out of the last place, right?” She wasn’t sure if her mother would remember or not.
“Yes. I smacked a woman who deserved it.”
“Can you at least try to get along with everyone here? This is a very nice place, and you’re only in here because I’m not able to take good care of you like they can.”
“You don’t want to take care of me.” Her mother waved an arm toward the door. “Just get out of here. And don’t ever come back. You’re a worthless daughter.”
Lucy bit her tongue the way she’d been doing several times a day. Her tongue was practically growing scar tissue from being bitten so often. But she was getting better at holding her temper. Maybe a little more patient. Maybe I really am a daughter of the promise.
She kept her voice gentle. “Don’t you want to see Benjamin?”
Mom glared at Lucy through squinted eyes. “Are you stupid? Of course I want to see my little Benny.”
“Well, he can’t drive here himself. I’ll have to bring him.”
Silence, and her mother stared at the floor.
“I’m going now.”
Mom kept her head down. Lucy said a quick prayer that her mother would be kind to the staff—and her roommate. She turned to leave. But before she made it to the door, she turned around again.
“I love you, Mom.”
Her mother didn’t look up. And Lucy left.
That Saturday Marianne had invited Cora and Lucy over, so Lucy picked up Cora around mid-morning. Mary Jane had insisted that she and Anna Mae would keep Benjamin, and Cora could tell that Lucy was glad to have some time to herself, especially since she had started her new job on Wednesday.
“Marianne has something on her mind,” Cora said as they stood on the front porch waiting for the door to open.
“Why do you say that?”
“I can just tell. It might be that she’s just lonely becaus
e we haven’t been around as much. I know you’ve been busy learning your new job. And I see her at church service, but other than that—well, I’ve been enjoying being with mei husband lately.”
Cora smiled, forever grateful to Bishop Byler for whatever he’d said to John. Things were far from perfect—John wasn’t going to be healed of his depression overnight. But the bishop’s visit had helped, and surprisingly, the bishop had suggested that John go to Lancaster and talk to a professional counselor. Even more surprising was that John had agreed to do so. He’d had his first session last week.
“Come in, come in.” Marianne ushered them into the living room with an urgency that Cora hadn’t seen before.
“Is everything okay?” Lucy pulled the filmy scarf from around her neck and laid it on the couch.
Cora untied her black bonnet and hung it on the rack by Marianne’s door.
“Ya, ya. Everything is fine. But I need you two to help me with some things.”
Cora glanced around the living room, surprised that the bishop hadn’t made his wife get rid of all her new things. The lace curtains were still hanging, and a few other decorative pieces graced the mantel.
Marianne motioned with her arm for Cora and Lucy to follow her.
“Does this door go to the basement?” Lucy asked as Marianne pulled open a door beneath the stairs.
“Ya.”
Cora and Lucy stepped carefully down the narrow steps until they reached the concrete floor. There were some boxes, pipes, and a row of columns that apparently ran the length of the house—nothing unusual for a basement that hadn’t been finished out. To their left, tucked behind the staircase, was a door with a shiny knob. Cora knew that Marianne was about to share her secret room with Lucy, even though she wasn’t sure why.
“This way.” Marianne walked to a door, stood on tiptoe to reach above its frame, and pulled down a key. She turned it in the lock, pushed the door open, then picked up a flashlight right inside. She shone it inside until she found her battery-operated lantern.
