‘I don’t know.’ She picks at a flake of metal, digging it off with her fingernail. ‘It’s so small and so stupid but it’s the truth. I don’t know why I did it.’ There had been so much behind her decision that day she doesn’t know how to untangle it all. Ella, her anxiety, life dragging her down. ‘It was …’
‘It was what?’ Liza peers into her face. ‘I need you to explain. It’s the least I deserve. We trusted each other. Always. You told me, you told me he was OK.’ Her voice starts to crack.
Sarah takes a breath. She can’t hide from it, or herself, any longer. ‘OK, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything.’ She does. She starts right at the beginning. The edgy feeling she’d been wrestling with in the pit of her stomach during the months before. Rosie. The way she’d felt when she’d seen Ella – invisible and useless.
‘I swear to you, I’m not trying to excuse it, or use my,’ she chokes up, ‘my grief. I’m just trying to be honest about the chain of events that led to this. That it wasn’t quite so simple as me not bothering and then Jack falling from the post. What followed was me trying to protect you. Gav, too, if you can believe it. It was all tied up in that shitty decision which I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.’ They both go quiet, watching a bird track the sky above them.
Sarah talks some more. She tells Liza how she’d gone outside to check on Jack. That she’d seen him up the post, then bumped into Ella on the outside balcony. That she’d been distracted with Ella – with that message on her phone – and hadn’t called for Jack to get down. And that it is a moment that she’ll regret for the rest of her life. She doesn’t leave out anything. Every word slips from her mouth, pushing her further and further away from her friend, but she can’t help that now.
‘So, you see, when Ella replied for me, the wheels had already been set in motion. It had started.’
‘So why did Ella cover up for you?’ Liza pushes her hand on the top of the railing.
‘I don’t know.’ Because that’s the truth. She doesn’t know. But then Sarah thinks back to Ella – I know more about Liza than you think – and feels a shiver run right down her spine. ‘I just don’t. I’m sorry, Liza. I’m so, so sorry. I love you and I love Jack. I don’t know what,’ she gulps back air, ‘I don’t know how I let all this happen. I was trying so hard to … to …’ But what can she say? How can she possibly say she’d been trying to help when this, this, is the result?
‘And you didn’t feel you could, or should speak up? I never would have thought you could have actually seen him up the post and not called him to get down. The lack of care over another human being. My son. How dare you. You have had SO many chances.’ Liza is screaming now, shaking with rage so her whole body is vibrating.
‘It just seemed better for everyone if I didn’t. I thought about it. I thought about it constantly. Not for one second has it not been on my mind. Should I? Shouldn’t I? And at that point I wasn’t really thinking of myself, Liza. I was thinking about you. And the kids. Have you never done something like that? Something that would eat you up for the rest of your life?’
Sarah watches Liza open her mouth, about to say something. But she snaps it shut, remains silent and shakes her head.
‘No,’ she says. ‘No I haven’t.’
LIZA
I want to tell her. By God I do. I want to tell Sarah what happened with Jack when he was born, but I also want her to carry the weight of what she’s done. If I tell her, it’ll let her off the hook – and if there’s one thing I won’t do right now, it’s that.
A siren echoes past, the only sound other than the birds chirping, and my own breath. It feels like absolutely everything is about to erupt – including the pavement beneath my feet, like some treacherous volcano. Has it been long enough for her to feel the force of her actions? Should I punish her more? And should I ever tell her what happened five years ago?
I think back to Gav, what he’d said to the man earlier from social services. And how it was only a half-baked version of the truth. Our chat – how things had started to resolve, despite us never actually voicing what had happened out loud. I had watched, then, something fall from his face.
And then I remember Ella – who had actually found out, despite not knowing the full story at the time. Or maybe she had known and she’d never let on. The way she’d initially walked past me with her tiny terrier, snouting around in the dark. I’d been lost, wandering around and then I’d stopped, unable to take one more step. I’d been standing in the same place for God knows how long, electric with fear. All the streets looked the same; despite having lived in the area for years, I had no idea where I was. The houses had taken on sinister shapes, barbed with evil intentions. And then I’d seen her. I hadn’t been aware of who it was at the time. I think I’d passed others who’d been out late, loose-limbed from drink, or tired from a late night at the office. But they had given me a wide berth. Until Ella had turned on her heel, heading back towards me.
‘Gosh, I didn’t recognise you for a minute. Liza – what are you doing out so late?’ She’d pulled at her dog’s lead. ‘Come on, Bramble.’
‘Getting some fresh air,’ I’d managed. I hadn’t realised it at the time but my body had given me away, limbs shaking, hair dripping with sweat.
‘Come on. Let me walk you home,’ she’d soothed. Except when I looked closely into her face, I thought she’d been crying – her eyes were red and she looked like she’d been blowing her nose. I was too tired and ill, though, to think about anything other than what I’d done.
‘You’re OK, Liza. You’re OK. Where’s Gav?’
I’d shrugged, allowing myself to be led by her.
‘Thank you,’ I’d said as we arrived at my house. I’d stopped her from coming inside. For a minute, I’d forgotten that I’d left Jack in there. Although I didn’t know it at the time, it was around about half an hour earlier that Gav had been dialling 999. The police were out searching for me. Him, staying at home in case I should make an appearance. It had been a surprise that they hadn’t found me, wandering around the streets in my nightie, like I’d been drugged.
‘Thank you, Ella,’ I’d monotoned. And she’d left without another word. When I walked back into the house, still shaking, I’d told Gav what had really happened. How the piercing noise of Jack’s screaming had done something to my psyche, already shredded with fatigue – imprinting terror onto it before any rational thought could take hold.
‘You’re scaring me,’ he’d said. ‘Why are you speaking in that weird voice? Just tell me what happened. Quick. Before the police come back.’
‘I wanted to hurt him,’ I’d replied. ‘I wanted to hurt my own child. I wanted to shake him. To shut him up. And so I left him. I’ve been gone since lunch. I left him nearly all day. I’ve been walking around. I don’t know what I’ve been doing. I don’t even really know how I got back here.’
‘Jesus fucking Christ,’ he’d whispered. I hadn’t dared look at him then. And then I’d hung my head as he’d gone through the motions of what we were going to tell the police.
‘But afterwards, take Jack to the hospital,’ I’d said, after we’d rehearsed our alibi. ‘I think there’s something wrong with him. And then take me.’
We’d told the police, doctors and nurses it was a mistake.
‘I know,’ I’d held up my hands. ‘I shouldn’t smoke. Please, spare me the lectures this minute. I just want you to check that my son is OK. That it’s colic and nothing worse.’
And Gav, poor Gav, who had been terrified ever since, had had the responsibility of nursing me back to health alone, petrified of being caught out. Petrified I’d do it again. Petrified they’d take the kids away from us. Petrified but sad and also, though he tried to never say it, angry. They’d sent us health visitors anyway, after that. I’d found a place in Marylebone which dealt in that kind of thing.
And so if I tell Sarah any of this now, it’ll make her feel in some way vindicated. It’s OK, she’ll think. His ow
n mother left him alone for nearly a day. He could have had dehydration. If she’d left him longer, who knows what could have happened, she’d have been thinking, judgement creeping over her features.
‘Liza? Are you OK?’ she says. ‘You look faint.’
‘I’m OK. I need to go back inside.’ I think back to the way things had changed since I’d left Jack alone. Gav’s behaviour. Me disappearing from the world for two weeks trying to come to terms with what I’d done. And then Ella.
‘Look, if you need anything,’ she’d said after she’d found me wandering around that night, ‘just contact me. You’ve got my number.’
I’d thought about coming clean. Or at least, in part, explaining. But she’d deleted herself soon after from the WhatsApp group, only for us never to hear from her again. Until now.
And just as Sarah and I stand in silence, we see her walking past, her long legs striding purposefully away from us.
‘Wait,’ I tell Sarah. ‘I need to talk to Ella. Alone.’ She nods and looks down at her fingernails.
I run after Ella. She stops, turns and looks at me, her grey eyes softening.
‘Sarah?’ Ella says. ‘She told you?’
‘I guessed. It was the way she looked at you. It brought it back. The moments after the fall. And you?’
‘I’m sorry.’ She continues her gaze, right into my soul. ‘I really am.’
‘Is that all you have to say to me?’ I feel the anger rising again. ‘Is that all I get? No explanation?’
‘I know what people think of me,’ she says. ‘I know people think I’m aloof. That I don’t give much away. I’ve had to become like that.’
I think of what Sarah had been itching to tell me. Something about Ella’s secret love child with Rufus North. If that is as bad as it gets for Ella Bradby, God help us all. She’ll never, ever understand a thing. I’m not going to allow her this.
‘But that moment I saw you again at The Vale Club, it all came rushing back to me. The time I found you outside after you’d had Jack. Looking ill. Very ill. I was going through my own stuff too, so I couldn’t give you all of myself, but when you asked if Sarah had checked on Jack, my answer was a reflex action. I was trying to protect you.’
‘From what?’
‘Yourself.’
My stomach starts to hurt. I have flashes of her, squeezing my arm. Bramble her dog, at our feet. But I cannot remember much else.
‘I know that you’d left Jack alone all those years ago. You said something about not being with him. Gav, being out. I don’t even know if you were aware you were talking, though, you were in such a state. When I got you back into the house, Gav was already there, feeding Jack, so I knew he was OK. Being looked after.’
I shake my head. I have no recollection of any of this.
‘And then I had to leave. I had important stuff going on at home.’ What, like your fling with Rufus North to attend to, I think nastily. ‘And then that day, in The Vale Club, I could see something in your eyes again. Yes, I told you Sarah had checked on Jack. That he was fine. I wanted you to know, somehow, telepathically – although I realise how stupid that is now – that I remembered. That I had your back. That he was fine. You were fine. Except he wasn’t. And then Sarah … Sarah.’ She shakes her head.
‘My God, the two of you.’ I’m too exhausted and upset to say any more. ‘Please leave now.’
She nods. ‘I understand,’ she whispers. And it seems she does, because she doesn’t try to say anything else. I watch as she walks off, the leaves whipping up around her.
She was here and now she’s gone and I wonder what might be different if the mysterious Ella Bradby had never walked so carelessly back into our lives. Life spinning so routinely, until she had come and tilted it right off its axis. I walk back towards the house where Sarah is still standing, watching, her body hunched in on itself.
‘Liza, will you …’ She looks like she’s about to follow me inside, but then stops. ‘Will you …’ Her voice is carried away by the wind.
‘No,’ I tell her. I don’t even know what she’d been about to ask. But I’d given her my answer. And now it’s time. I leave her, outside, wiping the tears from her face.
It’s time to go and collect my family. It’s time now for us – the four of us – to go back home.
West London Gazette Online
Author: G Paphides
The Vale Club have issued a statement about an incident that occurred mid-October and they have asked us to publish it in full on our website:
We would like to unreservedly apologise to our members for any distress caused as a result of an incident in which a five-year-old boy fell from a post in our West London branch.
The club has had all health and safety checks done and we were found not to be at fault. However, we are aware that this accident has raised issues amongst our members.
We have since put up more signage that no child should be left unattended and we have hired an extra site manager, who will be available at all times to answer any questions our members might have – or to look into any concerns about the safety of our equipment and surroundings.
We would like to extend our thoughts to the family involved.
Please call us if you have any questions or comments, but due to some harmful and unsavoury comments and trolling, we have frozen our Facebook pages until further notice.
Arlene Richards
The Vale Club Manager
COMMENTS:
Gravytrain456: No doubt our Vale Club membership prices will be pushed up now. Paying for an extra site manager because that woman wasn’t watching her son!!!!!! Too busy moaning about her life and slurping on her skinny cap. How much is that going to be from our pockets into the PC coffers!!!
WestLondonLover: I KNOW. It’s disgusting. We can’t be expected to pay for someone else’s fuck-ups. As if it isn’t enough that they hiked up the prices on the menu last month. I noticed the salmon dishes have gone up by fifty pence. No doubt blaming Brexit instead of their management.
PhillyMumofMaxandSophia: Please go to the PC FB page that I’ve set up (since they couldn’t handle the complaints on the official one) to air any grievances, which I’ll then collate as I’ve got a meeting with Arlene next week. We’ve got nearly 4000 members!
Bunny: For fuck’s sake guys – have you got nothing better to talk about? And what about that poor kid? Get a grip.
Comments have now been moderated.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
J
It’s come to my attention that despite our earlier correspondence, you’ve been talking to people at The Vale Club and to a lot of people who witnessed the boy’s fall. I don’t know what you want to do with the information – whether you have intentions of publishing it anonymously, or trying to sell it to a broadsheet. Whatever the case, we really admire your reporting skills and your tenacity in trying to carry on with the story. Obviously you can’t publish this whilst you are still working for me – so instead of doing anything with it, I’d like to offer you the position of features editor with a view to doing one investigative piece a week for the paper.
Best,
G
WhatsApp group: CFC board
Members: Sarah, Ella
Ella: Forgive the WhatsApp attachment – but I had to type this up in a Word document as it felt more appropriate. It seems that a few things need to be cleared up after what just happened at yours, with Liza and Jack. I hope you are ok and you and Liza managed to sort things out.
Firstly – the adoption. I’m telling you this to stop any false rumours. I now see what you thought you’d gleaned when you read my message on the balcony at The Vale Club, and then put two and two together and got five.
The adopted son – 9 years – in said text, did not refer to my ex-boyfriend Rufus North, from nine years ago. It didn’t refer to some love child him and I had, that I subsequently hid. It referred to my sister’s so
n – her 9-year-old boy, Xavier, whom I am currently in the process of adopting. The reason I didn’t tell you this is because Xav himself didn’t know that procedures were being put in place. My beloved sister Daisy died around five years ago now. Me and Christian and my parents nursed her in our house around about the time that Felix was born. We were all holding her hands when she took her last breath when Felix was only a couple of months old. Xav then flew out with his estranged father to Trinidad after she died. But sadly, he has decided that single parenting is not for him. I’ve flown out a few times recently to try and persuade him otherwise – but he won’t change his mind. I didn’t particularly want to share this sensitive information with you – effectively a total stranger. But I did tell you I would explain. We are all still absolutely reeling from our loss.
This leads me onto the sponsorship money for the Christmas fair. Daisy’s dying wish was that I bring Xavier up in the way she would have brought him up, if she’d had the chance. That means a state education – the type we both had. She didn’t agree with fee-paying schools. It means giving him a life full of love, laughter and experiences. It means me living and breathing Daisy’s wishes so I can be a mother to her little boy. Whatever that means. I’m still working it out, and will be until the day I die.
Christian and I would probably have done things differently. But I love my sister so much, and I’ll always stay true to what she wanted for her son, whilst also trying to do the very best for my own children. We enrolled Felix into West London Primary with Xav in mind, and the truth is that he’s very happy there and he’s so, so excited to be sharing his school with his new big brother. Christian and I chose to sponsor the fair through our new company for this reason – we would have spent a large chunk of this money on Felix and Wolf’s school fees. We have a lot of cash. I can’t help that. But I can help the kids have access to good activities and equipment and, by heading up the PTA, I can try and control where best that money is spent.
The Fallout Page 31
