by Abi Ketner
“Lexi, I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”
“What frustrates me the most? When the pain’s unbearable, the only person I want to hold me is you. But I can’t tell you that, because at the same time, I don’t want you to be the one to comfort me. You can’t mend me, because you bring memories of his pain. I need to be strong enough to make the decision of whether I can let you back in or … if letting you go is what’s best for me.” Cole pauses and his gaze drops for a moment.
“Losing you would kill me but I’m hurting you and I understand where you’re coming from. Lexi, believe me, the last thing I want is to be your nightmare,” Cole says with defeat. “Tell me—it’s not only when your sleeping, is it? The blackouts, they’re about me too, aren’t they?” The way his lips beg me for an answer hurts, but I can’t be dishonest with him.
“Yes., and sometimes they’re flashbacks. I’m not able to stop them. I can’t control when they happen or how long they are.”
“Maybe try fighting back, try recognizing when you’re triggered before they take over,” he says. “Right now you are your own worst enemy.”
“Seriously?” I spit at him. “Cole! If I could, don’t you think I would’ve stopped them already?”
“It’s possible to train your brain,” he says desperately. “It’s possible to rewire the triggers, but only you can figure out how. I can guarantee you, once Bruno has rewired his triggers over Grace’s death, you will see. And maybe he can help you find a way.”
“Why can’t you teach me?”
“I’m a trigger.”
His words cut me, presenting a solution to my grief when there is none. I don’t want him to problem-solve, I want him to understand. “I want to be alone.” Feeling indignant, I pivot away from him.
“Wait. There’s something I need to get off my chest,” he says, turning my face toward his. “I’m never, ever, ever, going to give up on you. Or us. No matter how far you push me away, I’ll never stop loving you, Lexi.” His face is serious and calm, making my breath catch in my throat. “I will fight for you till the day I die.”
The screaming sirens jerk me into consciousness. I rub the sleep from my eyes as I push myself into a standing position. The conversation with Cole last night still lingers in my mind. Every day, I try not to be angry or sad, but it’s like this force that builds up, threatening to blow.
Since I came here, my spirit and body have been through so many traumatic things, I don’t know how to function some days. Fear’s cemented in my bones. Anger and grief swim through my blood. But love saturates my heart—love for the ones I’ve lost, and the ones who are still here with me. A hurricane of emotions plays tricks on my mind.
Cole awakens as the small boy grasps him tighter and begins to cry, Zeus pacing around them, his hair raised. I look around and listen carefully, but nothing strikes me as out of the ordinary.
Bruno is already awake, flexing his hands at his waist as he cracks his neck. When I wave to get his attention, a question in my eyes, he shrugs, but then he pulls his gun from his waistband and checks the magazine.
My mom hovers in a corner. Her legs are pulled into her chest with her chin resting on her knees, and her face is ghostly white. It’s hot, yet she shivers.
“Get up!” Levi yells as he rips the flap away from our doorway. Zeus howls. “Guards are en route, headed our direction.”
Immediately, our bodies jump into motion, grabbing and stuffing backpacks with supplies as Levi thrusts food at us. Outside, panicked voices sound as feet hit the hard dirt ground running.
“Our little raid must’ve landed us on their radar,” Bruno says.
“Or the cart,” Levi says sharply. He holds the flap open for us to exit.
The little boy cries, standing in the middle of our chaos, and turns to Cole, who just picked up his gun. Without a word, Cole tucks his gun away, leans down, and puts his hands on the boy’s shoulders. The boy gives Cole a half smile as his shoulders slump and his fingers fidget with his shirt.
“What’s your name?” Levi asks the child. The boy’s lower lip trembles. “Maybe I already asked you, but I’m terrible with names.”
“He doesn’t talk,” Cole says with a grunt. He steps back, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
“Guess we call you ‘boy,’ then,” Levi says. “That, I’ll remember.”
“Maybe he can but chooses not to,” I suggest, pushing a few more things into my pack. I squat next to the boy, taking in his sad face and shaking torso. When I touch him, he flinches, so I let my hands drop. “Did your parents name you?” I ask, trying to sound patient even as my body yearns to run.
He nods.
“You’re scared, confused, and sad, which is okay, I would be too. But do you want to know something?” I whisper in his ear. “Cole used to protect me, and I promise little man, he’s the best of the best. You’re one lucky boy.” Cole gives a crooked smile, but I can tell from how he taps his hands on his thighs that he’s itching to go.
The boy bends down, and I step back, watching him as he traces his hands over the dirt floor. At first, I’m not sure what he’s doing as he scribbles through the dirt. But then he finishes and stands up.
“Owen,” Cole says, taking the word right out of my mouth. The boy nods. “Levi, you hear that? Owen. Not boy.” Levi ignores Cole’s comment.
Owen blinks a few times and then straightens his shoulders.
“You’re safe,” Cole says. “Nothing’s going to happen to you.”
A tear trickles down Owen’s dirt-smeared face, but he presses his lips together and nods again.
Cole picks him up, one hand protectively going around his head. Fear wells up in me at the thought of anything happening to Owen. I hate seeing anyone die, but when it’s a child … That changes things. It’s just one more reason I fight against Wilson. Anyone who’s evil enough to hurt a child like this isn’t human.
“They’re coming down the street, past your old building,” Levi says to me. “There’s gotta be twenty or more. Judging by their pace, we’ve got fifteen minutes. Tops. Make way to the Rainbow District.” I scrunch my eyebrows, confused. “Doubting me?” he asks, annoyed.
“Nope,” I lie. It doesn’t make sense that Cole and Bruno are allowing Levi to tell them what to do all the time now. Bruno, I understand, partly, because he’s not all here … but not Cole, a veteran fighter who has more than proven his leadership abilities. I give him a questioning look.
“I’m in charge and I’ll do the questioning,” he says before turning to face Levi. “You’ve been here awhile, I get it and I respect that, Levi. But watch your step. Crossing me would be a huge mistake.”
“Huge,” Bruno echoes him.
And there he is. The Cole I know, the one who takes charge and uses his knowledge and experience to lead. Warmth fills me as I think of how he treats me as his equal, even when there were times in the past I didn’t deserve it. The truth is, when he’s the leader, I’m a better fighter, because I know how he moves and can read his body language better than others. We’ve become a team despite our differences, and not even Levi can change that. So maybe there is hope for us yet. Levi reads the seriousness of Cole’s words in his face. Even Bruno raises his eyebrows to wait for Levi’s response.
“Two leaders is taking a risk,” Cole continues, “and if you’re stupid enough to try to be a third, you’ll get yourself killed. Mark my words.” Levi reads the seriousness of Cole’s words in his face. Even Bruno raises his eyebrows to wait for Levi’s response.
Zeus makes his way to Levi and lifts his leg on him just before spurting the man’s left leg with pee.
Levi jumps back, his face a shade of scarlet. “What the hell?” he shouts through gritted teeth.
Head down, Bruno chuckles, his shoulders jumping up and down. Levi gives him a wicked stare. “Don’t sweat it,” Bruno says through his laughter, “he pissed on me too.”
“Fine, you lead this time,” Levi concedes to Cole. “I’ll
bring up the rear.” He grips his gun harder and pulls on his backpack loaded with supplies.
“Here we go,” Bruno says to Cole, who’s simultaneously grinning and shaking his head at Zeus. Bruno leaves first, and one by one, we follow.
Sinners run alongside us, scampering for hiding places. Behind us, gunfire shatters the quiet, popping at intervals. The firepower almost drowns out the loudspeaker, which prattles on in a monotonous, scratchy voice—obviously not Wilson’s.
“Sinners, do not be alarmed …” Gunfire erases the next sentence. “We are conducting a routine search …” There’s another scream from behind us. “If you turn in Lexi Hamilton …”
“Was it your intention to leave me behind?” a voice hisses in my ear, and I swing my head around to find my mom standing there behind me. Her drawn face and sagging shoulders make me wonder if she’s slept at all in the past week.
“I’m not your babysitter,” I snap, regretting my harsh tone immediately. Zeus growls at her from beside me.
The others have moved ahead of me now. Cole turns, Owen still in his arms, and gives me a prodding look, but even as I follow him, my mom stays in step with me.
“You’re more like me than you care to admit,” she says, almost so quietly I don’t hear it over the commotion. “Or you refuse to acknowledge it.”
“You will not be hurt if you surrender …”
She runs next to me, panting against the sickness she’s been fighting. I never asked her if she’d been injected upon arriving. In fact, I’m almost scared to ask her. But she isn’t showing the normal symptoms, so I remain optimistic. Why do you care? I wonder. She accused me and sent me here, yet I’m concerned about her well-being?
“Just let me …” She inhales. “… explain …” She breathes again. “… before it’s too late.”
“Not now,” I say, cutting her short, even as I wonder, Too late for what? “Don’t worry. We’ll protect you. We won’t let you get hurt.”
We pass the checkpoint where Levi gave the perimeter guard food just the night before. She’s not there to greet us now. My feet hit pavement, and I’m not sure if my mom is keeping up, but I can’t keep looking over my shoulder or I’ll lose the others.
The rest of the Sinners have started to fan out, choosing different routes for hiding. With the underground no longer an option since the guards blew it up, we have few places to go where we can feel relatively safe. The Rainbow District is the last place any of these people would want to go, and yet, that’s where Levi’s taking us.
We stop, bodies pressed against a building. Sinners sprint past, not even noticing us. My mom’s shoulder bumps mine as she squeezes in next to me. She bends over and wheezes for air. I hear the path of destruction the guards are reaping behind us.
We’ll never make it in time.
I try swallowing the dry lump that’s lodged in my throat, and when it doesn’t budge I curse to myself. I push my hair out of my eyes with my elbow, but some of it sticks to my neck. It feels like we’re bathing in hot soup.
“Cover me!” Bruno yells. Sweat drips from the back of his neck, soaking the collar of his shirt.
While Cole holds Owen, Levi and I cover Bruno. When he runs into the street, I want to tackle him and bring him back.
“Sinners, do not be alarmed …” The radio announcement starts over, playing the same monotonous words.
Bruno reaches one of many lifeless cars parked on the street. He jumps in through an open window and tries wiring it to start. Nothing. He hightails it out the window, scraping his pant legs along the way.
I’m primed for action. The guard’s boots thump on the ground as they get closer. The faint smell of smoke surrounds us, and people scream about fire. Sinners scramble past, searching for a place to hunker down.
“We are conducting a routine search …” The speakers continue like a broken record.
Only, the words aren’t registering in my head. The guards push into the street from the shantytown just in time to spot Bruno hammering his way into another vehicle. Fear grips my brain like cold fingers pushing inward. The guards take up position and begin firing at him. Cole covers Owen’s ears, and Levi and I open up on them, retuning fire. A small bit of satisfaction runs through me as I watch them duck for cover.
“Hurry, Bruno!” I shout. My ammo’s not going to last all day.
Bruno doesn’t acknowledge me. He sits in the driver’s seat of a rusted, green four-door, his head bent as he does something with his hands. Any other time, I’d give him crap about the way it looks from here, but now isn’t the time. He seems calm, calculated.
The guards press forward, only one block away now. Levi takes a grenade from his pack, one of the only ones we have left, and lobs it into their path. We duck behind the wall of the building as it goes off. Bits of rock and glass go flying. Owen’s curled into Cole, shaking, his dirty hands clinging to Cole’s shirt. Zeus sits on his other side, whining as he waits to be given his own orders. By now, smoke’s billowing across the street from the shantytown. They must’ve torched the entire area.
The car hasn’t moved, and Bruno’s head has disappeared. Oh no … My gut contracts. But then he pops back up and begins frantically signaling to us. “Get in!”
Levi lurches into the street, almost bounding over the curb and wrenching the door of the car open. It falls off. Rusted paint sprinkles the ground. Cole goes next with Owen in his arms and Zeus on his heels. Bullets kick up dirt around their feet, and I fire back, sprinting behind them. Cole tosses Owen in and pulls Zeus with him, his butt barely clearing the doorway.
The guards rain fire down upon us, and I can’t fit in the back. I lower my gun to get into the passenger side, but it doesn’t budge. Between yanking on the handle and watching the guards advance, I panic.
“Right behind you!” my mom screams.
What the hell? I dart through the window, my legs hanging out the side as Bruno coaxes the car into the street. The bullets ding off the dangling bumper as I wrench the rest of my body into the front seat.
My mom launches herself into the backseat, just behind me, her breathing heavy. Everyone’s squeezed together, arms and legs overlapping in a mass of limbs. Of course, Zeus lies on top.
“Jackasses got me!” Bruno spits. The car stops, stalling in the middle of the street. “Shit shit shit!” Levi leans out the window and shoots off a salvo, but the guards creep closer—and their aim gets better.
Bruno’s hands fiddle with the wiring, somehow getting the car started again. But he grits his teeth and looks at me, face pinched. Blood courses from his hand where the finger’s missing.
“Lexi, drive,” he demands.
“What?” I don’t know why I say it, but I can’t hide my shock.
“Dammit, take the wheel!”
I push over him and climb into the driver’s seat. A bullet takes off my side-view mirror, probably shattering my left ear drum as well. I reach around for the pedals. In the backseat, Levi’s screaming at me, and in the passenger seat, Bruno rips off his shirt to stem the bleeding of his hand. Chaos is all around as I realize: I’ve never driven stick before. I can boost a car but can’t drive a manual. Most stick shifts were phased out years ago, so I never learned.
Bruno must see the revelation on my face, because he leans over with a grimace and slams us into first gear. We jerk forward and then stop. Jerk forward again, then stop.
“Hurry up!” Levi yells. He’s glaring at me with wild eyes in the rearview mirror. “Drive!”
“I can’t drive stick!” I scream back.
“WELL, YOU BETTER BE A FAST LEARNER!”
“Lexi, listen to me,” Cole instructs from the backseat, but I can barely hear him over the noise. My arms and legs shake like we’re in an earthquake. “Put the car into gear and ease off the clutch while coaxing the gas!”
“Huh?”
“Put the car into gear and ease off the clutch while coaxing the freaking gas pedal!” he repeats. Just then a shot goes through the b
ack window and knocks my rearview mirror off. My body jolts, and as I watch the mirror swing back and forth by a wire, I find focus.
I try to do what Cole said, but when I ease off the clutch and hit the gas, the car begins rolling forward out of my control. I panic and stall it.
“Again,” Cole says, clearly frustrated. “You got this!”
“Easy for you to say, jackwagon!” I slam it into gear, carefully doing what Cole instructs while the guards begin to surround our back end. They must know I’m in here now, because they don’t shoot in my direction.
All of a sudden, the car bolts to life. I lock my jaw, seething at my incompetence, and the car starts to push against me.
“Shift,” Levi says.
The guards begin shouting as we pull away. They finally open up on our backside, bullets dinging off the sides. But the smoke from the burning shantytown begins to cover them. I chuckle as their own plan backfires. Gaining speed, I do as Levi says and take a corner fast, swerving on two wheels. Everyone’s bodies smash against one side.
“Zeus!” Cole makes a grab as Zeus’s body slides out the missing door, his rear end a few inches from the ground. He whips Zeus back inside, hanging on to his collar with one hand, and Owen with the other. Zeus hacks a few times, but at least we didn’t lose him.
Between groans, Bruno laughs maniacally, startling me. Who knows what’s going through his mind? I spare a glance at him, but he’s already fixated on something else.
“Slow down,” he orders.
I focus back on the road and see that a huge tire lies in my way. I downshift, swerve around it, and pick up speed again.
