by Abi Ketner
“Ha ha, very funny. I’ll wait till you’re back to being … you know … you.”
“If I ever am.”
“You’re strong and a fighter, like me.” She yawns, resting her head back. “Enough with the negativity. That’s my job.”
“Guess you’re rubbing off on me.” I try to stretch, but pain arcs through my stomach and back. I have to concentrate on breathing. “What’s all the rage about morphine? It sucks. I can hardly keep my eyes open or move without pain.” Genesis cracks an eyelid and squints at me. “And the nausea blows.”
“You should try eating something.”
“Oh, no. I’d puke. And Bill informed me it’s more important that I take a dump.”
Genesis laughs. “Well, don’t expect me to clean you up. Bed rest means you’re shitting in your pants.”
“Lovely. Send Bill on a diaper search for me.”
As her laugh fades, she grows serious again. “Anything else bothering you?”
“Just a wicked headache and my heart is pounding like a drum through my ears, the faster it gets, the harder it is to hear.”
“Are you sure it’s getting faster?” she asks, averting her eyes. I hate when people ask useless questions like that. It usually means they know something and don’t want to say it outright.
Pretty soon, footsteps echo outside my room, and I suddenly feel like a zoo exhibit with all the faces looking in at me from the doorway. All except for Bill, who must be on guard duty. James enters, barely greeting Genesis as he makes his way toward me.
“How do you feel?” he asks. Before I can muster enough energy to answer, Genesis fills him in. His mouth parts when she tells him about my racing heart. Without hesitation, he drops to his knees and checks my dressing.
“Dry,” he says.
“Phew,” I say.
He doesn’t even acknowledge me. He’s in a trance as he moves to check my pulse. He looks at his watch, and his lips move as he counts each beat.
Dang, his mouth’s moving fast …
“The pain, is it worse?” he asks. “Or better?”
“Worse. My entire abdomen hurts and feels tight. I’m nauseous, and my head’s pounding.”
“When did that start?”
“I woke me up with it, so just now, I guess.”
He lifts up my shirt to just below my bra line, and Cole gasps. James’s Adam’s apple slides up and down a few times, and Cole gets that clamped expression he wears in combat, when he’s trying to cover up his feelings.
“Her stomach’s swollen,” Genesis says accusingly. “James, you better say that’s normal.”
“Give me a minute, would you!” he snaps. “Lexi, tell me if it hurts when I push down.”
His hands, like ice, send a shiver up my body when he applies pressure to my left side, the side where I wasn’t stabbed, and I yelp like another knife has cut into me.
“Stop,” Cole yells. “You’re hurting her!”
James holds up his hand to stop Cole from bulldozing him. I blink hard, trying to focus my eyes—because James is swaying and his face is floating and bobbing in front of me. “Stay still,” I murmur. “You’re making me dizzy.”
His face, once flushed, goes white. “I’m not moving, Lexi” He runs his hand down his beard and sits back on his heels.
“Shit, what’s that mean?” Cole barks at him. Zeus bares his teeth at James, sensing Cole’s anger.
James shakes his head, and his shoulders slump. “She’s bleeding.” His low voice is filled with desperation.
“There’s no blood,” Genesis says, pointing.
“There is,” James says. His voice is weak and shaky as he turns toward Cole. “Internally. She’s bleeding internally.”
“So stop it!” Cole is in James’s face as he stands.
“I can’t!” James says. “I’m not a surgeon.”
“So?” Bruno spits.
Genesis throws her head back and growls. “She needs surgery.”
Bruno bends over and heaves, to all of our dismay.
“I can hear you, you know!” I attempt to shout through the melee. “James did everything he could, so please stop yelling at him.”
“He’s not done,” Cole says. He turns to James. “I know. You’ve seen it done before, in the field, in school, and in a hospital, I bet. You know exactly what needs to be done.”
Genesis moves like lightning. I blink once, and she’s holding her gun inches from James’s temple. “I watched you work on Drew, I watched you walk out on me … but I’m not letting you walk away this time.”
“And Drew died, because I didn’t have the right instruments.” He turns his head toward Cole. “I’ve seen it done, but you don’t get it, man … Watching and doing are not the same. Even the best surgeons can’t fix this.”
“Redeem yourself and improvise,” Genesis commands. “We’ll help you.”
“James, don’t,” I interrupt. “You’re not touching me.”
“LEXI, YOU’LL DIE!” Cole screams.
“I know,” I say firmly. “But I will not allow James to live with the guilt of not being able to save me too. If he cuts me open, with the state of my intestines … I could go off like a grenade.”
For a moment, everyone is silent as death. Leaning against the wall, Genesis shakes her head. Bruno works hard to close his open mouth, as if he’s not quite sure what to say. That’s just when Bill comes plowing into the room, gun in hand. No one even acknowledges him.
“What’d I miss?” he asks, scanning everyone’s faces. Instantly, his shoulders slump, as if he realizes without anyone saying.
“James, think of something,” Cole says desperately.
“She needs operated on. She needs a surgeon!”
“There. Are. No. Surgeons,” Cole says through gritted teeth.
“Well, by all means, if you have another suggestion, spit it out,” James says. “She’s short on time here, Cole.”
“Get her out of the Hole?” Bill suggests. Cole and James practically spit daggers with the glare they give him. “Then again, maybe not.”
“Why is she bleeding?” Cole demands.
James sighs. “My best guess, based on where she was stabbed, is her liver.”
“Okay, so she’ll need a new one,” Bill says reasonably. “She can have mine.”
“She doesn’t need a new liver, you asshat!” James barks.
“Come to think of it, mine’s probably shot to hell anyway,” Bill says.
“You know where the liver is,” Cole interrupts desperately. “Get to it—stop the bleeding.”
“Even if I did, even if I could—”
“I’m not going to sit here and watch her die!” Cole yells. “I’m not losing her!”
“There’s no sterile equipment,” James insists, “and if I opened her up, she’d die of an infection for sure!”
“You don’t have a choice,” Cole says, his voice desperate and bitter. “I’m ordering you to do it.” He stares James down. “We can sterilize what you have with fire and alcohol. And Bill’s got connections … He’ll find her antibiotics.”
“The best,” Bill says. “But you’ll need to write down the name.”
James throws his arms in the air and looks out the window. “You don’t get it, do you? The only people who get injured in here and get proper care are guards. Not Sinners. I tried everything within my abilities; I have done all I can for her. I’ve already told you I don’t have the proper instruments!”
“What about Gabe?” Bruno asks hopefully.
“He’s just a whack-job scientist,” Bill says. James gives him a dirty look, silencing him.
“Hold on a second,” Cole interrupts, turning to James, “maybe you’re wrong. Since you’re not a doctor, how can you know for sure she’s bleeding?” Bill snorts. “She lost a lot of blood—we all saw it. She needs blood. And that, James, you have the stuff for.”
“Cole.” Bruno puts his arm around Cole’s shoulders and tries to calm him, although Br
uno has panic written all over his face.
“Maybe it’s better this way,” I say in a whisper. “Wilson loses.”
“Lexi, don’t,” Cole pleads. “Don’t. You. Dare. Say that.” His body trembles.
“I’m being realistic.”
“You’re giving up.”
“No.” My chin trembles. “I’ll never give up. I don’t want to leave you.” I mouth, “I love you,” but it makes him shake with agony. “Grace didn’t want to die. She didn’t want to leave Bruno,” I remind him. “We’re human, Cole. Not tanks.”
I close my eyes to block out their despondent faces. The fear growing within me sprouts roots and gnaws at my insides. The last thing I want is to die here, in the Hole, bleeding to death internally. I’d rather them drag me outside and shoot me. At least I’d die fighting.
“If I may, I have another suggestion I’d like to present,” Bill says. His voice is strained and quiet at first, like he’s not expecting anyone to take him seriously.
“Bill, if it’s not brilliant, I’m going to punch you,” Cole says brusquely.
“Lexi turns herself in,” Bill says. He holds up his hand to stop Cole before he can reply. Cole’s face turns crimson. I raise my eyebrows and turn toward Bill. “We’re all aware that Wilson wants her alive,” he explains. “Once he knows she’s dying, he’ll take her straight to Sutton. Sutton will operate and save her life. Because that’s what Sutton does best, and we know for certain he’ll do everything in his power to make sure Lexi survives. Then we rescue them both.”
In the ensuing silence, Bill shrugs and takes a swig from his bottle.
My heart jumps. I try to pull myself up … but fail. My arms are weak, and the pain radiates through my entire abdomen.
“Interesting concept,” Genesis states matter-of-factly.
“Over my dead body,” Cole says in a low voice as he steps forward. Bill automatically moves back until his back is against the wall. “You’re out of your damn mind.” Cole’s eyes harden. “This is Wilson you’re talking about.”
Bill stands up straight, securing his bottle in his waistband, his eyes boring into Cole’s. “You think I want to lose her? No. I don’t. She’s my family too. But she stays here, she dies; she goes to Wilson, she has a chance.”
Cole’s so angry he can’t find the words to respond. His fists clench at his sides, and the vein in his forehead bulges. He opens his mouth and closes it several times before choosing to stay quiet. He’s rigid as he walks over to a table and shoves it with all his might. Then he covers his face with his hands and growls.
“I hate to say it,” James says, shrugging, “but Bill’s right.” Genesis shakes her head at James, and the tendon in her jaw flickers.
“I don’t like it either,” Bruno says to Cole, who returns to my side. “But—”
“Absolutely not,” Cole interrupts. “Wilson won’t touch her. I promised Lexi I’d never let that happen, and if you think I’d break that promise, you’re all crazy.”
“Her life’s on the line now, though,” Genesis says. “It’s a totally different ball game.”
“Are you willing to lose her?” James asks.
“Of course not!” Cole shouts. Zeus barks sharply, stepping between them.
Bill lifts his palms placatingly. “Do you really believe I want this? Any of us want this?” Cole glances away, and Bill drops his hands to his sides. “Sometimes, we have to make tough decisions, whether we want to or not.”
Cole’s eyes burn red, and he swallows. With all their attention directed at me, I feel sick to my core, wishing I could hide. The air bristles with tension.
“It’s not up to us,” Bruno states, motioning my way. “Ultimately, it’s your decision.”
He’s right. This decision is mine alone. And what a crappy one to have to make.
I clear my throat and try to ignore the dizziness fogging my vision, making little black spots appear. Cole’s hand tightens on my arm as he kneels next to me, as if willing me to stay in place. Genesis folds her arms across her chest, listening to each side but saying nothing. Bruno raises his eyebrows in expectation.
“I need a moment alone with her,” Cole says. “Would you mind?” It’s more of a demand.
“You trying to sway her opinion?” Bill asks.
“Of course, you nitwit.”
“Whatever you decide, Lexi, I have your back,” Genesis says. “I know we’ve had our differences and we’ve banged heads a few times. But whatever choice you make, I’ll stand with you.” Her words ring with honesty, and they’re exactly what I need to hear.
“Me too,” Bill says. And I know he’s set. He might be a little strange and drink too much, but once he’s made up his mind, he sticks with it.
“Just make it quick,” James says to Cole.
“We’ll work on a plan to get her there in case she chooses to go,” Bruno says.
Cole ignores him, and the others leave. He sniffs with indignation. “Wilson near you,” he says, shaking his head, as soon as they walk out. “Just the thought of it!”
“Look, it’s dangerous, I get that. And, yes, the stakes are high. But I need you to trust me.” I grab his hand, and his eyes glaze over. “I need you to understand whatever I choose is the best choice, not for me, but for us.”
Cole swallows hard, his lips trembling. His expression makes it hard for me to breathe. I’ve never seen him look like this, not even when Keegan made him leave me, or when he told me about my father.
“Cole, I’m so sorry. But my dad would want me to fight to live,” I say, wiping my tear-streaked face. “I won’t give up, not now. Not after everything we’ve been through.”
He chokes on his emotions, and his lower lip quivers. He can’t get words to come out, no matter how often he opens and closes his mouth.
“I’m so … so sorry,” I say. “I love you, but if we have any hope of having a life together, I have no other choice.”
“I realize that,” he finally says. “But that doesn’t mean I’m okay with it.” He wraps me in his arms. The finality in his gaze tears me to shreds. “I’m petrified. All I’ve ever wanted was to keep you safe, and yet here I am, forced to hand you over to the one person I swore … would never touch you again.”
Sobs wrack his body as he holds me in his arms. He’s been holding it all in, to be strong for me, but now we cry together. I’ve never felt so weak, so vulnerable as I do now. Everything and nearly everyone I care about has been torn away from me, and now I’m about to leave the only ones I have left. And my hearts cracks into a million pieces thinking of the reality that I may never see them again.
“I’ve failed … you,” Cole says between gasping breaths.
“No, you didn’t.”
“You’re in this position because of me.” He gasps. “I was supposed to be by your side, like I swore I’d always be, and now, you’re hurt because I wasn’t there.”
“Stop,” I tell him. “What happened to me wasn’t your fault.” I take a break to breathe. “And everything’s going to be all right. Sutton will fix me, and you’re going to do what you do best.” Another shallow breath comes out of me, but I can’t stop my voice from shaking. “Find the two of us, and get us the hell out of there.”
“I’m taking you,” he says.
“You know you can’t. He’ll kill you.”
“So what? I have to stand back and watch someone else take you away from me … and walk you straight into the hands of the Devil.”
“Cole,” I whisper, “it’s going to hurt me just as much to leave you behind.”
“I’m going to lose my mind, not knowing if you’re all right.”
“Hey, we’re going to get through this, we always do.” I wink at him, but he doesn’t react. “Will you promise me something?”
“Anything.”
“Promise me we’ll be together again. Promise me you’ll come for me.”
“Did you seriously just ask me that?” he says softly in my ear. “Lexi, you alrea
dy know I’ll stop at nothing to get you back. You have no idea, Lexi Hamilton, how much I truly love you.”
“I love you, too.” But I have this haunting feeling our time together is coming to an end.
“So? What’s the verdict?” James stands in the doorway. The others filter back in to hear what I have to say.
I pause to swallow through the dryness of my throat. I have no more tears to cry and no comforting words to give. Still, I’ve weighed each word carefully, knowing they’re all arguing because they care so much about me. Blackness threatens to overtake my vision, so I pause, waiting for it to clear. “I think … I’m fortunate to have people who love me so much.”
I make sure to look at each of them. Bill with his bottle, paused halfway to his lips. Bruno with his hand wrapped over his chin in concentration. James, who I’ve known only a short time, his intense eyes boring into mine. Genesis, who nods at me, her blond hair streaked with color and her scars marking every time someone’s knocked her down, and every time she got back up.
Lastly, there’s Cole. He hovers over me like an angel’s wing, covering and protecting all the time. Hope and anxiety are mirror images of each other in his eyes, and I know he’s wishing against all things that I’d agree with him. Zeus sits dutifully at his side and licks my hand, and I smile at him, knowing that I’m about to break both their hearts. Cole’s eyebrows raise in anticipation.
“But I’ve decided …” My blood rushes in my ears. “To go.”
“Miss Lexi, are you sure?” Bruno asks suddenly. His brown eyes narrow with regret and sorrow, like he also blames himself for not saving me. Like he’s looking at Grace all over again, watching her die in his arms. But this time, it’s his best friend in danger of losing the girl he loves. “I’ll take you.”
“Bruno, you can’t,” Genesis says. “You’re wanted … They’ll kill you on sight.”
“Then I’ll do it,” Bill says. “It was my idea. Plus, no one notices a drunk, and I’m good at acting. And I’m excited, really, because, after all, turning her in will grant me my freedom.” He snorts at his joke, and I hold in my laugh because I know how much it’ll hurt. “Kidding, Lusty.”
