I sat next to Theo and took both his cold red hands and rubbed them as vigorously as I could. A moment later, Mama came rushing down the stairwell with Fiona on her heels.
“What happened?” Mama had both hands over her mouth and stared at Theo as if she couldn’t believe her eyes.
“I found him like this in the snow over by the aspens.” My voice sounded wooden even to myself. Perhaps it was my turn to be in shock?
“Oh, my poor boy,” Mama said as she broke away from Fiona and hustled toward my brother. She sat next to him and took one of his hands in hers and began to rub it as I continued to do the other. “What were you doing out there?”
Theo had stopped sobbing by then and was staring at the top of Papa’s head as if he once more wasn’t sure where he was. “I don’t know.” His voice sounded bewildered and small. I had a sudden memory of him as a little boy the morning he’d come back from finding Mother. His little face had been red from the cold and exertion of running into the house to find Papa. “She’s in the snow, Papa. No clothes. She won’t move.” He’d cried as the words came out. I’d been at the bottom of the stairs, just having come down with the infant Fiona in my arms. Since I’d witnessed my mother over the baby’s crib, I didn’t let her out of my sight. I’d begged Papa to put Fiona’s crib in the room where Cymbeline and I slept. If Mother came to her again in the middle of the night, I would be there. Papa had installed a lock on the inside of the door. Every night I’d locked it before going to sleep. When the baby cried in the middle of the night for food, I’d taken her out of her crib to Mother. Papa would watch her feed the baby from her breast and then bring her back to our room and change her.
When Fiona was only three months old, Mother had walked into the snowstorm and perished.
I blinked to rid myself of the image of Theo that morning, but it was to no avail. Only six years old then, he’d curled up into a ball in front of the fire and stared blankly into the flames for hours. He’d been fragile for years afterward. And now, after what he’d experienced in the war, he seemed as fragile as our fine crystal. Why had they joined the army? Why had Flynn insisted they go? He should have known that his twin was not strong enough. Madness ran through our blood. What if we never got our Theo back?
Where was Flynn, anyway? He should be here. How could he have not heard him wake and wander out of the room in his pajamas? Flynn was supposed to look after him.
“There’s no frostbite,” Jasper said. “He must not have been out there too long.”
His hands had returned to a normal temperature. Papa and Jasper rose to their feet. “Let’s get him upstairs and into a hot bath.”
Jasper nodded and they took a nearly comatose Theo up the stairs. The moment they’d disappeared, Mama burst into tears. “Jo, I don’t understand. What was he doing?”
Fiona came to kneel on the floor next to us, seeming not to notice the melted snow that dampened her skirt. She placed her hands on Mama’s knees. “Don’t cry, Mama. Jo found him in time.”
Mama wiped under her eyes with her handkerchief. “Thank God. But what were you doing out there?”
“I was taking a walk. To think.”
The door opened and Flynn came through, followed by my sister and Phillip. “What’s wrong?” Flynn’s gaze went from Mama to me.
“Is it Theo?” Cymbeline asked.
“Yes, it’s Theo.” I jumped up from the bench, ready to strike as if I were a venomous snake. “I found him in his pajamas in the snow. He had no shoes on.” Shaking with anger, I pointed a finger at Flynn. “Why didn’t you know he got out of bed?”
“He was still there when I left this morning,” Flynn said, uncharacteristically subdued. “I would have known if I was home.”
“Has he done this before?” I asked.
“He sleepwalks sometimes,” Flynn said. “It’s not that unusual.”
“Not unusual?” I asked. “Of course it is. What in God’s name are you talking about?”
“Jo, don’t shout,” Fiona said. “Please.”
“Josephine, we fought in a war. Give him time. He’ll be fine eventually.”
“I may not have been there, but I can certainly see how it’s haunting him,” I said through gritted teeth. “Anyone can see that. He’s not fine now.”
“Darling, please, this isn’t helping,” Mama said.
“I’m sorry, Mama, but I won’t be quiet.” I turned to face Flynn. “You were the one who insisted on enlisting. You were the reason he was over there in the first place instead of at university where he belonged. If it wasn’t for your fighting spirit—your ridiculous need to compete—he wouldn’t have been there at all.”
“I didn’t ask him to join me,” Flynn said.
I ignored the hurt in his eyes. He didn’t get to be forgiven. Not this time. I pointed my finger at him. “You didn’t have to. He would never have let you go without him. That’s not how he works and you know it. Instead, you thought only of yourself and what you wanted. He’s not like you. He’s sensitive and peaceful, and the war has destroyed him.”
“Josephine, stop.” Fiona had risen to her feet. Tears dampened her dark lashes. “Don’t say anything more.”
The tearful tone of her voice jerked me out of my anger. Everyone stared at me in various expressions of shock and discomfort. Cymbeline, eyes wide, pressed against the closed door, as if to keep the enemy from entrance. Phillip stood by the closet with one arm out of his coat. Mama sat on the bench with her hands clasped together on her lap, all color drained from her face. Her lips looked almost blue. Flynn’s arms were crossed over his chest as he glared at me now with defiant eyes. Only Fiona seemed pliable, still of the living world and able to move about. She came close to me and took my hands. “Jo, the war wasn’t anyone in this house’s fault. You know that as well as I.”
“But why did our brothers have to go?” I asked. “Why did my sweet Theo have to go and come back a shell of himself? Fiona, you were only a baby when Mother died. You don’t know what she was like. How her mind slipped into madness.”
“Triggered by us,” Flynn said. “Isn’t that what you think, Josephine? That she was fine until she gave birth to twins. Isn’t that what you’ve secretly thought all along?”
I turned on him, spitting with rage. “How dare you say that to me? That couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve spent my life trying to protect you two. And the girls, too. It all fell on me after Mother died. It was my job to protect you, but I couldn’t do it this time. Not when you lied about your age to go fight in a war that had nothing to do with us.”
“We’re English,” Flynn said, “as much as we are Americans. The Allies needed us. Do you really think we could stay in isolation when our brothers and sisters were in danger of losing their freedom to the Germans?”
“They didn’t need two underaged boys,” I said. “Boys who should have been home finishing school and preparing for university.”
“I’m sorry, but I disagree,” Flynn said. “What we did over there is the most important thing we’ll ever do with our lives.”
“Yet one of you may be ruined for the rest of his.” I’d had enough. Still shaking from rage and grief, I nudged Cymbeline away from the door and yanked it open and ran outside. Too angry to feel the cold, I staggered out to the path that led to the barn, crying. Already I regretted my outburst. I’d not known how deeply resentful I was of Flynn’s insistence that they join the fight until I saw Theo utterly helpless and confused. He could have died out there like Mother. That thought made my stomach churn with fear. I couldn’t lose him. I couldn’t watch him sink into insanity. He had to get better.
I entered the barn. Chickens scattered as I tromped across their path to the hayloft. My grip on the rungs was slippery in my gloves. I didn’t care. When I reached the top, I crawled into the dwelling on my hands and knees before getting to my feet. The room was tall enough that I could walk around without slouching. Bales of hay were stacked to the ceiling. We used the ones from t
he outside first, creating layers. I sat on the bottom row. Breathing hard from my anger and exertion, I wrapped my arms around my waist. Never in my life had I shouted at anyone. Had my siblings irritated me at times? Yes, but not in any way serious. This was unprecedented territory for me. I didn’t like it. Not at all. In fact, I felt sick to my stomach.
The sound of the barn door opening and shutting startled me. Please, do not be Flynn. Not yet. I needed time to think through what to do next.
I got up to peek over the railing. To my surprise, it was Phillip. Also surprising? I was glad to see him. Better him than my parents or one of my siblings.
“Josephine? Are you in here?”
“Up here,” I called down to him.
He lifted his gaze upward. “Ah, yes, there you are. May I join you?”
“I’m not particularly good company right now.”
“I don’t care. I’ve just come to see if you’re all right.” He crossed over to the ladder and peered up at me. Doodle strutted behind him. The rooster looks like Walter. How had I not seen that before now?
“Come up if you want,” I said. “Be careful. The ladder’s rungs are slippery.”
I needn’t have advised him. He came up the ladder with apparent ease. When he reached the top, he dropped to his knees on the floor before straightening. Too tall, he had to bow his head, as my brothers and Papa did.
I retreated to my bale of hay.
“May I sit with you?”
I nodded, scooting over to give him more room. When he sat, I smelled the spicy scent of his shaving soap.
“I’m sorry you had to see me like that,” I said. “We don’t often fight.”
“I understand.”
“My mother was very sick before she died.”
“I can see why it would worry you to see Theo that way. After what you all went through.”
“One time I saw her standing over Fiona’s crib with a knife.”
“Cymbeline told me about that this morning. I’m very sorry you had to see that.”
“Cymbeline told you about that?”
“Yes. As a way to explain certain things about you.”
“Oh.” I sat with that for a moment. What else had Cymbeline told him about me?
“She thinks your mother’s illness and death had a great effect on you. And that you rarely talk about any of those times. That you’ve taken the brunt of your mother’s death and it’s made you too willing to make compromises or accept less than what you deserve.”
“She’s right.”
“Any time you want to talk to me about that or anything else, I’m here to listen.” Phillip plucked a piece of hay from my shoulder. “There’s nothing you could say that would turn me away.”
I lifted my gaze to him. There was such understanding and gentleness in his eyes that a lump formed at the back of my throat. “If anything happened to Theo, I don’t know what I’d do. He and I always had a special bond, both bookish and without an ounce of competition in us. We always just wanted peace and a good book. Cymbeline and Flynn are so driven. So relentless about everything, as if the world isn’t large enough for them.”
“Theo had to go with him?”
“As different as they are, he would never have been able to let him go alone.”
“To have a bond like that must be something,” he said.
“Both a blessing and a curse.” I looked at my hands. “It’s not true that I blame the twins for our mother’s illness. I’ve never ever thought that.”
“Flynn must believe that to be true and has assumed others do, too.”
I hadn’t thought of that. Had Flynn been carrying around that guilt all these years? I touched the cuff of his jacket with the tips of my fingers. “Thank you for coming to find me.”
“Do you mean just now or in general?” He smiled as he placed his hand briefly over mine.
“Both, I guess? Yes, both.”
When we arrived back in the house, a hushed silence greeted us. After taking off our coats, Phillip spoke softly to me. “I’m going to skip tea today so that you can talk to your family alone.”
“Thank you. For the talk. Everything.”
“My pleasure.” He brushed his fingers against my arm but then seemed to think better of it and withdrew.
“You’re part of our circle now,” I said lightly. “I hope you won’t live to regret it.”
“I can’t imagine how that would ever happen.”
I watched him head toward the stairs before I went into the sitting room. Only Papa was there, staring pensively into the fire. He looked up when I approached. His face was pale and drawn.
“Papa?”
“Come here, darling.” He held out his hand. I gripped it in mine for a moment before sitting in the chair next to him.
“How is he?”
“Theo or Flynn?” The corners of Papa’s eyes crinkled from a half smile. “I hear you gave Flynn quite the tongue-lashing.”
I stared down at my hands. “I was angry. I shouldn’t have said the things I did. I’m sorry for it.”
“He knows. You’ll apologize, and all will be well.”
“I was hateful, Papa. I’m ashamed of myself.”
“If anything, it was good to get it out in the open that way. He admitted to me that he’s racked with guilt over what the war has done to his brother.”
“I’m scared, Papa. He looked like Mother out there.”
Papa turned back to the fire. “I’m scared, too. He’s always been sensitive. No young man should have to fight, but he’s particularly vulnerable to the horrors. What he had to do over there has broken him.”
I hadn’t thought until that moment that it was not only what he saw, but what he had to do. Theo, my peace-loving, bookish brother, had had to kill.
“What do we do?” I asked.
“We love him. And we pray.” He tilted his head, peering at me. “We’re the Barnes family. We get through whatever comes our way, together.”
I stopped in my brothers’ room before heading to mine to dress for dinner. Flynn was sitting in one of the chairs by the window watching Theo sleep. He greeted me with a smile that didn’t reach his puffy eyes.
Phillip was by the window, reading. When he saw it was me, he excused himself. “I need something from downstairs.”
“Thanks, Phillip,” Flynn said.
“Not a problem.” Phillip gave me a smile as he passed by.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I sat next to Flynn.
“No, I’m sorry. Everything you said is true. I should never have enlisted, knowing what it would do to him. I’ve been selfish and thoughtless.” His voice broke. “And now, Theo is sick.”
“The war did this, not you.”
“He’d never have been there if it weren’t for me.”
From the bed, Theo shifted in his sleep. His eyes flew open, then he sat up. “Why are you two staring at me?”
Flynn and I both darted over to Theo’s bed, standing on each side. I had a sudden memory of the twins snuggled up in one bed when they were about three years old. Often Papa would put them to sleep in their own beds only to find them curled up together in one.
“What is wrong with you two?” Theo asked. “Why are you in here, Jo?” He glanced at the clock on the table between the two beds. “Is it morning or night?”
“Just before dinner,” I said. “You slept all day.”
“Jo found you in the snow,” Flynn said quietly. “This morning. Still in your pajamas.”
His eyes widened for a moment before he fell back onto his pillow.
“Do you remember when I brought you inside?” I asked.
“No, nothing since last night when I went to bed,” Theo said.
“We think you were sleepwalking,” Flynn said. “But Jo found you in time. No damage to your feet.”
“I’m sorry, Jo,” Theo said. “I must’ve scared you.”
“You did.” My eyes filled with tears. “We were worried about your feet. Papa an
d Jasper got you up here and into a hot bath. You don’t remember any of that?”
“I can’t say I do,” he said.
Tears streamed from my eyes. I knelt by the bed and stroked my brother’s arm. “I just want you to be safe. And happy again.”
“Ah now, don’t cry,” Theo said. “Flynn can lock me in here at night from now on.”
“How often has this been happening?” I asked.
“Flynn says about once a week,” Theo said. “But usually I just wander the hall and come right back to bed. I’m not sure what I was doing outside.”
A cold dread filled me. How would we keep him safe? Flynn couldn’t watch him constantly. What if there were a fire and they were locked in here?
“Jo, whatever you’re worrying about, don’t,” Theo said. “No harm can come to me with this one watching me like a hawk.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes. Causing Theo more stress from my angst was not what he needed at the moment.
“How do you get him back into the room?” I asked Flynn.
“The couple times I woke and realized he wasn’t here, I went out to the hallway and he was walking back to the room. Eyes open but clearly asleep.”
“I think we should talk to Dr. Neal,” I said.
“No doctors,” Theo said. “This will fade.” He placed his hand on top of my head. “Let’s talk about something else. Tell us about Phillip.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, do you like him?” Theo asked.
Flynn laughed, and for a moment we were back in time before the war, young and carefree.
“Stop teasing me,” I said. “Anyway, it’s none of your concern.”
“She does like him,” Theo said, sounding triumphant. “What a lucky man he is.”
Phillip
The next day, Josephine asked if I’d like to help her take books out to some of the folks who lived outside of town and weren’t able to make it into the library. I happily agreed. On our way, Josephine explained how she’d applied for the grant and given enough for the building itself as well as hundreds of books. “Carnegie’s putting them all over America. It’s truly wonderful.”
The Spinster (Emerson Pass Historicals Book 2) Page 11
