This was why he avoided relationships. Too messy. Too tangled up with emotions.
Never again.
Chapter 17
Susan didn’t say a word to Sauer after he apologized for what happened in her front yard. He said he would drive to Newman’s house, she nodded, walked inside to set her alarm, and then slid into the passenger seat of his car.
Sure. He said he was sorry, but he didn’t go into detail of what caused the fight. She knew Stitch had been brewing on the edge, waiting, perhaps hoping, for a fight.
As crazy as it seemed, he knew her so well.
She didn’t want to go process Newman’s house. She didn’t want to talk to Newman, not that she had to, she was only going there to do her job collecting evidence. She didn’t want to deal with this Newman business anymore.
But it was her job. She couldn’t walk away from her responsibility. Even though she appreciated Stitch stepping up and voicing what she couldn’t, she had to do her job. He should understand that.
Not good enough? Why did he think that? Who made him think that? She couldn’t imagine Sauer being that heartless and cruel.
Perhaps he had been if Stitch felt threatened enough to throw a punch. Who originally made him feel not worthy enough?
It would be impossible to make things work if he didn’t give in a little. Talk to her.
Like his hand.
She wasn’t dumb.
Evidence was her forte. A keen eye, looking for things was something she excelled at.
She didn’t miss the way he would absently rub his wrist on occasion, thinking she didn’t notice, and when he thought she might, he stopped.
She wanted to know how badly it hurt. Did it hinder his job? Did he need to see a doctor? She wanted to ask him a few times, each time she saw him rub it, but too afraid to voice one word. Would he ignore her? Walk out on her? Their relationship was tentative at best. She didn’t want to do anything to rock the boat so soon.
But she couldn’t keep it to herself. Not when he threw the words he did at her. So she threw some back.
“I apologize, Susan. I didn’t…” Sauer paused, as if weighing his words. She preferred honesty over anything else.
“You didn’t what?”
“I was going to say I didn’t mean to cause problems between you two, and I didn’t. Not really. But I’m not sure he’s the right one for you.”
Her eyes jerked to his. Perhaps he couldn’t handle her glare because he immediately looked back to the road. “What makes you think you know what’s right for me?”
“Oh, so he treats you right, huh? I find that hard to believe.”
“Why? What did he do to make you think he doesn’t?” Her voice dropped an octave, not wanting to say anything, but refusing to let Sauer get away with his actions as if he did the right thing. “He’s the first man to treat me with honesty. With a level of respect I didn’t know I needed. He’s real. He doesn’t bullshit me like other men. He told me in the beginning he only wanted sex. I was okay with that. Then I wasn’t. And he walked away.”
“I don’t get it. Why was he at your house at four in the morning? Just visiting for a chit chat.”
“Wow, Sauer. I’ve never heard you speak this way.”
“He’s using you for more sex. What pretty words did he give you to get back in your bed, Susan?” He slammed the wheel hard. “I don’t like people like that. I don’t want someone like that to hurt my friend. Excuse me for trying to protect my friend.”
“Stitch is the last person to use pretty words. He doesn’t know the meaning of that.” Her hands tightened into fists in her lap. “Did you goad him into hitting you? Is that what you wanted, Sauer? For him to walk away. Well, congratulations. He did. Again.”
“I didn’t want him to hurt you.”
Her eyes met his once more. Briefly. “Well, he did. And so did you.”
The conversation ended. A few minutes later, they pulled into Newman’s driveway and she exited the vehicle with haste. She almost didn’t stop outside the door to say hello to Ben and Zeke. Guess they called in all the troops.
“Hey, Susan,” Ben said quietly.
“Geez, what the hell happened to you, Sauer? Did Newman do that?” Zeke exclaimed as he glanced behind her.
Susan turned toward him, a slight triumph coursing through her at the way his cheeks blossomed a bright red. A bruise was forming around his right eye, a busted lip, his hair a mess, his clothes disheveled. Even in the pale night, with the porch lights on, she could see the way he couldn’t hold his blush in. Serves him right. Did he see how his actions messed things up? Why would he do that? What made him think she wanted him stepping into her business? Who did—
Her mind stopped throwing accusing questions around as her eyes beamed to his hand that was shaking like a leaf.
Of course.
Why didn’t she see it right away?
Sauer was worried about her. He wanted to be the protective friend, something she appreciated. It felt nice to know he cared. But that wasn’t his motivation. She didn’t think so anymore.
He was worried about Newman. His gut was probably churning with agony at the thought his partner and friend was a killer. His nerves were high. His temper short. So what does he do? He lashes out at the easiest target in front of him.
Stitch.
Right now, she wasn’t willing to forgive his behavior, even if he did have a lame excuse for it.
“Dude, your lip is still bleeding. What happened?” Ben asked when Sauer continued to ignore Zeke’s question, his eyes darting from her to them.
She couldn’t hold back a glare, his head dropping, maybe in shame, maybe in guilt, maybe in sorrow, but dropping, nonetheless.
“He got into a fight with Stitch. I’d appreciate it if all of you would stay out of my business. Stop asking if I’m okay. Now excuse me while I process this scene.”
Susan walked into the house, finally feeling a little calmer since leaving her house.
She was done with people asking if she was okay. She wasn’t. Her life was a mess. There was absolutely nothing okay with it.
She probably took a good working relationship with three great detectives and shoved it down the toilet, and most likely, her great friendship with three wonderful ladies.
Oh, well. That was life. Shit happened to her, and she moved on.
Her parents got divorced. She ignored the tension and the fighting between the two and moved on.
College wasn’t as exciting as she hoped. That’s okay. She did what she had to do, got her degree, and moved on.
Couldn’t seem to land a steady, reliable boyfriend. Nothing new there. She always moved on, hoping the next one would be a winner.
Her job was suddenly becoming a nightmare. Well, she could most definitely move on.
Or just move. Start fresh. A clean slate.
That was an idea she never contemplated before. She might have to think about it a lot harder when she got home.
But first. Work.
♡
Stitch rubbed his wrist, then picked his pencil back up. He wouldn’t quit. He’d work through the pain even if it killed him. The pain was all his fault for starting a fight with Sauer. The ache in his wrist and hand hadn’t receded since he threw the first punch.
The sketch didn’t need to be done until later next week, but he was going to take today to get tons of shit done he had been letting slide. Too much lately.
No more using his pain as an excuse. Yeah, his wrist hurt, but it wasn’t an excuse to slack on the job. People relied on him. He was the owner of one of the best tattoo shops in the area. He couldn’t reschedule clients all the time and expect to stay one of the best shops in the area. That was simply idiotic thinking.
After leaving Susan’s house, pissed at himself for losing his cool with Sauer, he debated turning around and apologizing. Of course, it would’ve been useless. She wouldn’t be home. She was going to process a scene she didn’t want to do and he couldn’t st
op her.
He could’ve called her. He even dug in his pocket to pull his phone out and call her a few miles from her house, but realized in his haste to leave, he left his phone on her nightstand in the bedroom. Hell, he left his boxers there, too.
Now, no matter what he wanted, he had to go back to her house to retrieve his phone. And he did want to go back. He wanted her.
Throwing a few punches, getting a few good licks in felt good. He felt vindicated a little. He wished he could take back the words he said to Susan. Maybe he’s right. When have I ever been good enough?
He never let shit like that take him down. Today, he let it get to him. He let Sauer win by walking away. By not yelling from the top of his lungs he was good enough.
Damn right, he was good enough.
Dropping the pencil again, he couldn’t resist rubbing his wrist.
Would he be good enough if he lost his shop? Would she still want him, then?
She asked him to stop using violence. It wasn’t his normal go-to on things. He rarely used violence, even back in the day. Did his temper get up and words fly out of his mouth? Hell, yeah, he wouldn’t deny that. But his fists rarely came into play. Only when absolutely necessary, because using his fists reminded him of his old man, and he was nothing like that deadbeat asshole.
Today, he just couldn’t let Sauer speak to him like that. Make him feel like he was worthless. He had already been feeling like that on his own this past week, especially with the way his wrist had been hurting.
Look at him now. He couldn’t work on his sketch without stopping every other minute to take a break. If that wasn’t pathetic, then what was?
He’d finish this sketch, and then conquer the other three sketches waiting to be done. He’d make good use of the day, and then go grovel to Susan. Again. He’d keep groveling until he won her heart for good.
He picked his pencil back up, the tip of the pencil pressed lightly against the paper, and suddenly it snapped, broke off, as a loud banging from the front of the building jolted him in surprise.
Wanting to ignore the visitor, he grabbed a new pencil from the cup on the corner of his desk. He started to work on the sketch, the bangs and knocks drowning out of his mind. He needed to focus and center himself. He didn’t give a shit who wanted to bother him right now. He wasn’t answering the door.
Then a voice drifted with the knocks.
A voice he knew he couldn’t keep hanging.
Setting the pencil down gently, he stood up and took a deep breath. He needed to prepare himself. Although, nothing could’ve prepared him for the wrath on her face as he unlocked the door to his shop.
The door swung closed quietly as they stared at each other.
He didn’t know what to say. Sorry was on the tip of his tongue, but he wasn’t that sorry. It’d be a lie. One thing he wasn’t was a liar.
“Well, at least you look just as terrible as my husband. Serves you right.” Deena’s hands went to her hips as her eyes broke into tiny little slits. “Aren’t you going to say anything? An explanation, maybe?”
“He said shit. I hit him. He hit me back. Done.”
“Don’t bullshit me. Sauer tried, and I let it go because I know he’s stressed out right now with Newman. But you’re not getting away with it. You tell me right now why you’d hit my husband.” Her voice broke as she said, “I love him. I need you two to get along. I can’t lose either of you.”
“I’m not asking you to pick sides here. I’m also not going to play nice with him when I can’t stand the asshole. I’ll stay away from him.”
Her bottom lip quivered. “Which means you’ll stay away from me. That’s not fair.”
“What do you want me to say? There’s nothing I can say to make it all better.”
“Tell me what happened.”
He turned his head away.
That’s not something he wanted to do, sit here and explain to Deena how her husband didn’t think he was good enough for one of her friends. He didn’t want to potentially see the look in her eyes that maybe she might think the same thing. Maybe he really wasn’t good enough for Susan.
She was an amazing woman with a good job, respectable friends, most likely a happy family life, and what was he? A guy who came from a broken family. Grew up with a terrible childhood. Yeah, he could claim he was a successful businessman. He also had a criminal record. That didn’t mix well with someone who worked for the law. It didn’t mix at all.
A soft hand touched his chin and forced him to look at her. Her hand grazed the bruise that formed near his left eye, then down to the crack in his bottom lip. He wanted to be embarrassed and ashamed Sauer got in so many good hits, but he couldn’t be. Sauer could fight. That was a good thing. He was glad Sauer could protect his wife if need be.
“You and Susan?”
He took a step back. Her hand drifted away, which was exactly what he wanted. “What about us?”
“Is there an us? I saw her at the precinct as well, and she didn’t have much to add about what happened. The entire precinct is in a big uproar with one of their own potentially being a murderer. I couldn’t…I didn’t press her either.”
“Yay for me. So you think I have all the answers? Well, I don’t, Deena. Go home and wait for your husband. Have a nice, happy life.”
Her mouth dropped in shock. He had to admit he was a little shocked himself. He hadn’t meant to say those last few words. He didn’t want to lose her from his life. He enjoyed being able to call her up and talk about nothing, or send silly texts to make each other laugh when one of them was having a bad day. She was his best friend. It hurt to think about losing that.
He survived the first time he pushed her away, and he’d survive this time, too.
“With you in it. Don’t push me away. Kind of like you pushed me away ten years ago. You started running with people I didn’t like and you made me choose. Hell, you didn’t even give me a choice. You shut the door on my face. And I let you.” She shoved a hard finger into his chest. “I’m not letting you today.”
“Maybe you should.”
“Why? What’s the matter with you? We used to be able to talk about anything. Now, you won’t say shit. Stop acting like a dick.” She shoved him again in the chest, this time with her entire hand.
“I can’t stop what I am.”
“You’ve changed. You were never like this with me. You could always tell me anything.”
He wanted to agree with that. He did, in a sense. What she didn’t know was he didn’t always share everything. He didn’t share how he always felt a little under her status. Like, why would she even want to be friends with a punk like him? A family that shouldn’t even be called a family. He was no good. People use to say that all the time while she stood next to him. Each and every time, she defended him, sometimes even getting close to using her fists, and then she always turned to him with the sweetest smile. “You’re the best. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
But was he really? He wasn’t as good and nice as her. He wasn’t as pure as her. He did shit he wasn’t ashamed of. Things that if she knew, she’d whack him upside the head for his idiocy. He had yet to fess up that he served time for assaulting a man. Because he didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes.
He was still shocked Susan didn’t walk away after he confessed. But Deena. He wasn’t sure how she’d react. Fear of seeing her turn her back to him, not glancing once as she flipped him off and walked away, held him back from saying anything.
They always said they’d have each other’s back. They always said they’d be friends forever. Would she want to be friends if she knew what he was capable of?
“I think you should leave.”
“Are you…” Her eyes welled up with tears. Something he rarely saw from her. He hated putting that look on her face, but he couldn’t stop it. He would never ask her to choose between him and her husband. So it was better if he shoved her in Sauer’s direction. He was the worthless one, anyway.
Or so everyone thought.
“I don’t want you to cry, Deena, but—”
“Well, I am you, bastard,” she shrieked as she started to whack him in the chest with her tiny fists, barely hurting him, yet hurting him deep inside. “How dare you try to break up our friendship again! How dare you hit my husband without explaining it to me! How dare you act like a douche! How dare you!”
Her hits seized the moment he wrapped his arms around her in a big hug. Her body weight sank against his as hot tears seared through his shirt. If that wasn’t clue enough she was balling her eyes out, her loud sobs would’ve been.
He did this. He hurt his friend.
He wanted to apologize and make it all better, but he still couldn’t. He couldn’t force those words out because he couldn’t be sorry. He was defending his own honor. His integrity. He was good enough for Susan. He didn’t care who didn’t believe that. He needed to believe that. Because if he started to let it sink in he wasn’t good enough, he might start believing it and walk away from her for good.
Walking away from Susan would never happen. She was in his veins, like a drug attacking the system.
She was his everything.
She was his from the moment he met her. Which was why he ran as fast as he could after that small taste of her. It scared the living shit out of him. It still scared him.
Look what happened when he let people in. He always let them down. Right now, he was letting his best friend down.
If he couldn’t keep her happy, then what made him think he could keep Susan happy? That’s why he kept letting the fear take control and push her away again and again.
Deena suddenly pushed away from him and out of his arms, wiping at her face and the tears that wouldn’t stop streaming down.
“Asshole. You’re a big fat asshole.”
He nodded. What else could he say? He knew that. He’d never deny it. Not to anyone.
“Well, guess what, asshole? You can’t just stop being my friend. I won’t allow it. I’m going to bug you every day. So get used to it.” She poked his chest. “If you ever touch my husband again, be prepared for more bruises. I might take my own swing at you. And I know you’d never hit a woman.”
One Taste of Sin (A One Taste Novel Book 4) Page 17
