by Sarah Knight
Your cousins always had a complicated relationship, but it’s gotten more volatile in the last year, ever since Julie dropped Renée from their RuPaul’s Drag Race recap WhatsApp group. Ice cold. Of course you can never be 100 percent sure what she’s thinking, but Renée is not one to let sleeping drag queens lie.
Probometer Readout: Cat. 3 / 4—Likely or Highly Likely
• If you’re that much more convinced the shitstorm is coming, you also have that much of a better idea about when it will land. If it’s a 3 or 4, you should do a status check. Are we talking merely OUTLYING (it’s a few weeks before the wedding) or IMMINENT (it’s the morning of the wedding)? The status informs how soon you need to spend your freakout funds on prevention or mitigation.
• But before you dole out any FFs to a Category 3 or 4 shitstorm, you should ask yourself Can I control it?
If the answer is “Nope, out of my hands” (e.g., your cousins have never listened to you a day in their lives; why would they start now?), then discard that worry like Travis will undoubtedly discard his bow tie when the first bars of “Hot in Herre” infiltrate the dance floor. Don’t waste time, energy, and/or money freaking out about it. Consequently, if/when the girls do decide to take out their earrings and their aggression, you’ll have that time, energy, and/or money to spend dealing with it.
(Still feeling anxious? Try a little sleight of mind. I hear calligraphy is relaxing, and if you start practicing now, maybe you can save some money on your invites.)
If the answer is a hearty Yes, I can control or heavily influence this outcome! (e.g., you believe your cousins will respond well to the threat of being cut off from the Southern Comfort if they misbehave), then by all means, whip out your worry wallet and peel off a thoughtfully composed email to Renée and Julie warning them that wedding day shenanigans will result in them being personae non gratae at the open bar. That’s Productive Helpful Effective Worrying in action. Phew.
SCENARIO 3
Renée and Julie came to blows at your brother’s state championship football game three years ago and dragged each other into the pond at their own mother’s seventieth-birthday party. There is no reason to believe your wedding will count as sacred ground. These broads are out for blood. Their husbands are selling tickets and taking bets. The forecast is clear. It is ON.*
Probometer Readout: Cat. 5—Inevitable
• I understand why you’d worry about something like this, which you believe is inevitable—it’s human nature, and it’s also YOUR FUCKING WEDDING DAY. On the other hand, if it’s inevitable and you can’t control it, perhaps you could accept that and let go of your worries unless/until you absolutely must spend some freakout funds dealing with the fallout?
• Furthermore, if you believe a conflagration of cousins is past the point of being staved off by PHEW on your part—then I’d suggest a big, fat “Just fucking let it go.” You’re about to embark on one of the most momentous occasions of your life. And whether it’s in three months’ or three hours’ time, you do not need this shit.
• ACKNOWLEDGE that no matter what you do, your flesh and blood are gearing up for Parking Lot Grudge Match 3; ACCEPT the reality; and ADDRESS it when and only when it becomes a textbook total shitstorm.
Do NOT spend freakout funds now. You’re going to need that time, energy, and money when the total shitstorm makes landfall—time to collect yourself in the ladies’ room; energy to kick some ass of your own; and money to post Julie’s bail. Renée started it. Let her rot.
But DO put fifty bucks on Julie. She spent the last six months taking jujitsu, which Renée would know if she weren’t such a self-absorbed cunt.
Aaaaand that’s a wrap on part II!
Or, well, not quite. There’s a smidge more overly reductive yet extremely helpful content left to be had, and if you’re a seasoned NFGG reader, you know what’s coming…
OH YEAH, IT’S FLOWCHART TIME.
III
DEAL WITH IT:
Address what you can control
Hey, hey, hey, look at you! You made it to part III, where all of your rigorous training in calming the fuck down will be put to the ultimate test: dealing with the shit you’re worried about.
And for the purposes of this section, we’re going to assume this is Shit That Has Already Happened. Congrats, you’re really moving up in the world.
Thus far, we’ve dissected freaking out—making you more aware of the symptoms and consequences of doing so. We’ve wrestled with worrying—not doing it with regard to things you can’t control, and/or doing it more effectively. Those are the initial steps toward both combating existential anxiety and surviving any shitstorm that well and truly comes to pass.
You’ve already done a shit-ton of mental decluttering, Step 1: Discarding. You’ve rid yourself of so many unproductive worries that you should have a healthy supply of freakout funds left to move on to Step 2: Organizing—aka dealing with whatever’s left, now or in the future.
Mental decluttering is like hanging up on telemarketers; learn it once and it’s a skill that sticks with you for life.
Now it’s time to introduce my Three Principles of Dealing With It—developed to help you and the 75 percent of people who responded to my survey by saying they wish they had better coping mechanisms for when shit happens.
Baby, I’ve got the only three you’ll ever need.
I’ll also help you identify your RIOs (realistic ideal outcomes). These ensure that you don’t waste time, energy, money, or goodwill dealing yourself down a rabbit hole of dubious destination.
Prescriptive pragmatism: learn it, live it.
Finally, we’ll put it all into practice. The last section of part III functions like a catalogue of terror. In it, I’ll take you through a bunch of total shitstorm scenarios to illustrate how a logical, rational mind-set can help you deal with them. We’ll cover work mishaps, family feuds, missed opportunities, natural disasters, broken limbs, broken hearts, and broken dreams.
It’ll be a hoot, I promise.
Of course, no single book or catalogue of terror can prepare you for each and every potential trauma life has to offer. But just like Get Your Shit Together offered a simple toolkit for proactively setting goals and achieving them, Calm the Fuck Down gives you the tools to productively react to all the shit you didn’t want and didn’t choose but that happened to you anyway because life isn’t fair.
You just have to ACKNOWLEDGE, ACCEPT, and ADDRESS it.
If I have anything to say about it, by the time you turn the final page of part III you will be fully equipped to do just that.
Deal me in
“Dealing with it” encompasses a range of actions taken—and outcomes achieved—in response to shit happening.
At the top of the outcomes scale you’ve got the FULL FIX. Like, you left your iPhone X on the city bus, but realized it just in time to take off running like a bipedal cocker spaniel until a divinely placed red light allowed you time to catch up to the bus, rap on the door, indicate “I left my cell phone!” and reclaim your property.
Done. Like it never happened.
Below that, there are SALVAGE JOBS. You left your iPhone X on the bus and you didn’t get it back, so you had to buy a new one. You dealt with it, but you spent a lot of freakout funds on that mistake. No Chinese takeout for you for the next two years, give or take.
Or maybe you can’t afford a new iPhone X right now, so you curse your carelessness, learn a lesson, get a refurbished 5se off eBay, and go on with your life.* If you can’t afford a replacement smartphone at all, you pick up a cheapie burner at Radio Shack that doesn’t connect to the cloud and spend the next week asking all your Facebook friends to resend you their contact info via smoke signal.
More FFs withdrawn, plus a smidgen of goodwill, but at least you’re back in the game.
Below that, you’ve got BASIC SURVIVAL. You’re between jobs and on a strict budget. You can’t afford a new phone of any sort. You’re anxious about missing a callback for an interview
and angry that you put yourself in this position, but now that you’ve read this book, you’re able to practice some sleight of mind and pull yourself together. Focus, peace out, act up. You know the drill.
Instead of letting this costly error further erode your fragile state of both mind and finances, you find a workaround, perhaps making a few withdrawals from the Fourth Fund (which is topped up, since you haven’t been freaking the fuck out all the time lately like Sherry). Maybe you ask a friend or relative if they have a spare old phone lying around that they could activate for you. Definitely reach out to prospective employers to let them know you’re temporarily without access to the number on your résumé and request that they make contact by email if they have news for you. You could start a GoFundMe page. Or sell your used panties on Craigslist. It’s honest work.
Of course, a lost phone is just one example out of a million possibilities of shit happening that you then have to deal with. It may not apply to you (in fact, if you’ve read Get Your Shit Together, I hope you’ve been conditioned to never lose your phone under any circumstances).
Or maybe you could never afford an iPhone X in the first place, or you think I’m being cavalier in the face of something that, for you, would be a Really Fucking Big Problem that’s Not So Easy to Solve. I understand; everyone’s situation is different and their resource levels vary. Maybe no matter how much you want to, you can’t run after that bus because you’re still recovering from hip surgery.
I’m sorry about that. Get well soon.
My point is, this or any of the 999,999 thousand examples I could give totally sucks—yes indeedy—but there ARE ways to deal with it that don’t involve purchasing a replacement iPhone X and that also don’t involve crying into your pillow until such time as the ghost of Steve Jobs appears to grant you three wishes.
This entire book is about finding a way. It’s about calming down, making decisions, taking action, and solving problems—or at least not making them worse with freaking out and inaction.
So get used to it, m’kay? There’s more where that came from.
The Three Principles of Dealing With It
At this point, you may be wondering why I don’t simply refer you to Get Your Shit Together, which lays out three easy, actionable steps for accomplishing anything: strategize, focus, commit. Bada-bing. And yes, my GYST Theory is simple and effective—but it’s primarily concerned with goals you have time to strategize about, habits you can focus on slowly forming, and commitments you can budget for well in advance.
Getting your shit together is PROACTIVE. It’s an ongoing process.
Dealing with shit that has already happened is REACTIVE. It’s something you have to do in the heat of the moment.
“Dealing with it” could mean anything from having the wherewithal to get online and rebook your tickets when you oversleep and miss a flight, or applying pressure to a gushing wound because you stupidly used the wrong tool to cut cheese and you’re alone in the apartment while your husband makes a quick run to the deli for ice before your friends arrive for dinner and it would be bad to lose so much blood that you pass out in your kitchen and add a concussion to the mix.
Not that I would know anything about that.
Step 2 of the NoWorries Method requires its own set of skills and tools—busted out in the moment and honed in the blink of an eye—whether they’re used to engender a Full Fix or simply to survive.
THE THREE PRINCIPLES OF DEALING WITH IT
TAKE STOCK
Imagine you just landed in enemy territory and you have precious little time to assess the situation before it goes from bad to worse. You’re going to have to grit your teeth and gather the facts. Emotional puppies in the crate, logical cats on the prowl.
IDENTIFY YOUR REALISTIC IDEAL OUTCOME (RIO)
When shit happens, an ideal Full Fix may or may not be possible, which means that accepting what you can’t control isn’t just for calming the fuck down anymore—it’s for dealing with it, too! Running full-tilt boogie down a dead-end street literally gets you nowhere, fast. Better to start with a realistic, achievable end goal in mind.
TRIAGE
If the storm is upon you, your probometer has outlived its usefulness, but you can still prioritize based on urgency. Like an ER nurse, the faster you determine which patients are in the direst straits and which have the best chance of survival—i.e., which problems will get worse without your intercession and which stand the best chance of getting solved—the sooner you can minister effectively to each of them.
Now let’s go over each of these principles in a bit more detail and accompanied by illustrative anecdotes, as is my wont.
Take stock
I mentioned the idea of “landing in enemy territory” because that’s what it feels like every time I find myself in a bad-shit-just-happened situation. Are you familiar with this feeling? It’s equal parts terror and adrenaline—like, I know I’m down, but perhaps not yet out. My next move is pivotal. If I choose wisely, I may be able to escape clean (i.e., the Full Fix); get away injured but intact (i.e., a Salvage Job); or at least elude my adversaries long enough to try again tomorrow (i.e., Basic Survival).
I felt this feeling when a car I was riding in was hit broadside, deploying its airbags along with an acrid smell that apparently accompanies deployed airbags and which I assumed was an indicator that the vehicle was going to explode with me in it if I didn’t get out of there ASAP.
Reader, I got out of there ASAP.
But I’ve also felt it under circumstances of less immediate, less physical danger—such as when the new boss who had just lured me away from a good, stable job stepped into my five-days-old office to tell me he’d been fired, but that he was “sure the CEO had taken that into consideration” when she approved my hire the week before.
The logicats leaped into action. Should I set up a preemptive chat with HR rather than sitting around waiting for a potential axe to fall? Was I entitled to any severance or health insurance if I became a casualty of the outgoing administration? Was it too early to start drinking?*
The ability to assess a situation swiftly and to identify your next best steps is really important in a crisis. Why do you think flight attendants are always yapping about knowing where the emergency exits are? (Anxious fliers: forget I said that.) And as I said in the introduction, you don’t have to be born with this skill; you can practice and develop it over time like I did.
HOWEVER: note that I said to swiftly “identify” your next best steps—not necessarily to swiftly take them.
Taking immediate action can occasionally be good, such as frantically searching for the “undo send” option in Gmail upon realizing you just directed an off-color joke about your boss, to your boss. But acting without having taken the lay of the land is far more likely to exacerbate your original problem. Like, just because you’ve parachuted into the villain’s compound and don’t want to be fed to his pet bobcat for breakfast doesn’t mean you should be making any rash moves. (For one thing, bobcats are nocturnal, so I would tread real lightly overnight and make a break for it at breakfast.)
Rash moves can get you served up as human hash browns just as easily as if you had succumbed to Ostrich Mode. And if that last sentence doesn’t get me a Pulitzer nomination, then I don’t know what will.
Just make a simple, immediate assessment of the situation. Nuts and bolts. Pros and cons. Taking stock not only helps calm you down (What’s the Flipside to anxiety? Focus!); it gives you a rough blueprint for dealing with it, when the time is right.
What-iffing for good instead of evil
If you’re adept at imagining the worst before it even happens, you can apply that same obsessive creativity to dealing with it when it does! For example, say your backpack gets stolen from the sidelines while you’re playing a heated cornhole tournament in the park. You’re already programmed to take a mental inventory of what was in it and visualize the consequences of being without those items. Credit cards: What if the th
ief is headed straight for a shopping spree at Best Buy? Medication: What if you’re stuck without your inhaler or your birth control pills indefinitely?? Eight tubes of cherry ChapStick: What if your lips get dry while you’re on the phone with Customer Service trying to cancel your Mastercard??? Library book: What if you have to pay a fine for losing the new John Grisham and you don’t get to find out what happens????
Go ahead and survey the damage. But then make a plan for dealing with it efficiently and effectively. (Pro tip: canceling cards and requesting an emergency refill from your doctor should take precedence over lip care, library fees, and legal thrillers.)
Identify your realistic ideal outcome (RIO)
WHAT’S REALISTIC?
Looking again at the backpack scenario, if the thief is apprehended ten minutes away with all of your stuff intact and unpawned—what ho, it’s a Full Fix!
But assuming that isn’t the case, then dealing with it will be annoying, but probably a pretty decent Salvage Job. Most of your crap can be replaced, and it was time to dump that loose Blueberry Bliss LUNA Bar anyway. It was getting hard to tell if those were blueberries or ants.
On the other hand, if you were to, say, drop Great-Grandpa Eugene’s antique watch overboard in the middle of the Pacific, a Full Fix would definitely be off the table. Obviously you could buy a new watch, but you can’t bring your father’s grandfather back from the dead to break it in for you for sixty years before you start wearing it. All you can hope for is a swift and substantial insurance claim—filling out the paperwork for which is the best and only thing you can do to ensure the manifestation of your RIO on this particular Salvage Job.
