Jaya
All of Jaya’s righteous anger melted away, bit by burning bit, as she went back uphill to take the ski lift down by herself. She was too preoccupied by her own thoughts, by the echoing replay of their conversation, to notice the beauty of the wintry evening around her this time. As she traveled down she thought she glimpsed Grey in the near dark, head bent and still as a statue, but she wasn’t sure.
Jaya felt the sickening churning in her stomach that came with having been needlessly cruel, with having lashed out at someone out of defensiveness and fear. Yes, he’d tried to steal her necklace. No, she didn’t like it. But she understood. When he told her the story about the curse—the way he had the entire thing memorized—she’d understood how desperate, how unhappy, how scared he must be. She could see it in his eyes, the haunted, hunted look of someone coming to terms with news they had no framework to accept.
She didn’t believe in the curse one bit. Jaya came from a world where ancient superstition and logic coexisted side by side quite nicely. It was a world where astrologers could pick your school for you based on the alignments of the stars, but you took antibiotics when you were sick because you knew and accepted that medicine, that science, worked. The curse? It was obvious to Jaya that her great-great-grandmother had been consumed with pain and anger when she’d supposedly cursed the stolen ruby. Jaya had heard the story only once, a long time ago and then only in passing, because no Rao believed in it. She’d had no idea the Emersons did.
If Grey hadn’t leaked the pictures like the journalist had said, who else might it be? Another Emerson? Perhaps the journalist was confused and meant it was an Emerson aristocrat and not necessarily an heir to their estate. And maybe the curse was behind it all. Perhaps that was why they’d lashed out at Isha. And why they always seemed to be coming for the Raos.
She shook her head as she got off the ski lift and made her way to the lodge, past the snow-caked fountain, passing under the stone arch lit up with a thousand twinkling lights. What the Emersons (whichever one was responsible) had done to Isha and her family was still unforgivable, of course. But Jaya had to wonder… how would Appa react if an Emerson had cursed their bloodline to end, had cursed Jaya to die? If he fully believed it were true?
How would Jaya react?
She took off her gloves and her coat, handing them off to the concierge as she made her way to the gold velvet armchair she’d been sitting in before, the one by the enormous fireplace. Staring into the flames, Jaya knew with absolute certainty that she’d lashed out at Grey like that because he’d struck a nerve. The truth was, she was scared. She was scared of the exact thing he’d said to her—that she was nothing more than a mouthpiece for her father. And she’d never confronted that fear before. And… Grey wasn’t the only one who’d twisted and turned into himself. He wasn’t the only one who’d done things he’d never have done under ordinary circumstances. Seeing him, the look in his eyes, the absolute heavy weight he carried on his shoulders day after day, the surety he had that he was doomed, damaged, destined for death, and knowing that he could never have orchestrated the scandal against Isha… Jaya had known then, on that boulder, that she could not carry her plan through. Not anymore.
What did this mean for her loyalty toward her family, toward her sister? How could she avenge the Rao name if she stepped aside this way? She didn’t know. All she knew was that you sparred with an opponent in your own weight class. You didn’t strike at someone in pain, someone who was already hunched over in agony, someone begging the fates for forgiveness.
She couldn’t make this boy fall in love with her. She couldn’t break his heart. Because if she did, it was her, not him, who was the beast.
Grey
Grey walked into the lodge feeling bruised and paper-thin, like he was liable to rip in half at any moment. He shouldn’t have turned on Jaya like that. He shouldn’t have said the things he’d said; he’d been way over the line. But the things she’d said in return? The way he’d poured himself out to her. He’d lain himself bare, stepping over a threshold he’d never crossed before. That had obviously been a huge mistake. This was why he held himself so carefully; this was why he refused to let people see who he really was. Because no one understood. Because no one could ever understand.
The attendant came up to him and took his coat, hat, and gloves and handed him a note.
Frowning, Grey opened it.
Please forgive me. I’d like to talk, if you’re open to it. I’m by the fireplace.
–Jaya
Folding the note, he stuck it in his pocket and looked toward the armchairs by the fireplace, his heart thudding. Jaya sat there, looking right at him. She raised a hand in a hesitant wave. The embers of anger and shame in his heart began to die down at the look in her soft brown eyes.
Grey paused for a moment, and then, without conscious thought, his feet propelled him forward, toward her.
“Hi,” she said when he got close. Gesturing to the chair beside her, she added, “Will you take a seat? I ordered us both hot cocoas, just in case.” There were two cups topped with whipped cream on the table.
Grey took a seat, noting that Jaya looked relieved.
“Grey… I’m so sorry. What I said up there, that was cruel. I was defensive and angry and—” She broke off and shook her head, running a hand along her forehead. “You got under my skin. You have a tendency to do that; I’m not sure why.” She didn’t say it as an accusation, just as a statement of fact. It almost seemed like she was talking to herself. Grey felt a warmth in his chest. He liked that he got to Jaya Rao. Not much did. “Anyway,” she continued, “it was vicious and mean-spirited, and I’m really sorry.”
“There was no lie in it.” Grey brought the cup of hot cocoa to his lips and took a sip, feeling the burn of the scalding liquid as it slid down his throat. “I’m exactly what you said I was.”
“No, you’re not,” she said, sounding stricken. Leaning forward, she put a small hand on his. Grey stiffened, unsure what to do with the physical contact. It felt perfect; it felt dangerous. Noticing his reaction, Jaya withdrew her hand smoothly, a mistress of social graces. “You’re not, Grey. You’re scared, as anyone would be, in your situation. The truth is, that’s not the first time I’ve wondered if that’s what I am. A sock puppet for not just my father, but for my country, for a society that has a very narrow view of what a royal woman should be. Am I doing more harm than good by going along with it, by perpetuating the stereotype? And sometimes I get so tired of being the ‘old guard’ as it were, of playing ‘keeper of the rules’ with my free-spirited sister. I’m afraid it’s hardening me into something I don’t want to become.” She shrugged her thin shoulders. “I don’t know. I try not to consider all that too deeply—it’s easier that way—and that’s why your words struck a chord.”
He studied her, surprised. “That’s very honest of you,” he said finally. “I appreciate honesty in people.”
Her cheeks stained a deep red. “I don’t know about that,” she mumbled.
Grey settled against his chair, cradling his cocoa in his hands, and, after a pause, Jaya settled back against her chair too. They sat watching the fire together for a bit, until it was time to go.
Jaya
In a somber mood, Jaya and Grey boarded the bus together at ten o’clock and took their old seats. Caterina’s thinly veiled threats echoed distantly in her ears, but Jaya found she didn’t much care in the moment. She looked at Grey sidelong as they settled in. It was strange, how different things were now. When she’d boarded the bus this morning, she’d been hell-bent on finding out what Grey Emerson was hiding. Now… well, now she knew. And it was like the wind had gone out of her sails. He wasn’t the evil sadist she’d thought he was at all. Jaya wasn’t quite sure what to do with that.
Daphne Elizabeth tromped onto the bus then and came to sit by them, looking gloomy. “Hey, guys.”
“Hi.” Jaya patted her arm. “Are you all right?”
Daph shrugg
ed. “No. I’m feeling especially naive since Alaric chose to ride back with her.” Daphne Elizabeth sighed and looked at the both of them, shaking her head. “I don’t get it. Why can’t I leave him alone?”
“Maybe it’s the way his hair is gelled so much it looks like it’s made out of concrete,” Grey said, and Jaya elbowed him.
Daph raised an eyebrow. “Was that a joke, Grey?”
Smirking, he crossed his arms and lapsed back into silence.
“Maybe it’s time you did leave Alaric alone,” Jaya said, turning back to Daphne Elizabeth. “You’re not happy, Daph. That’s plain to see. And he isn’t treating you right—either of you.”
“That’s easy for you to say, Jaya,” Daph said, crossing her arms and looking out the window. She was clearly finished with the conversation. “But you’re not in my shoes.”
Jaya kept her silence, frustrated as she was. Grey settled in quietly as other students began piling on, everyone talking tiredly after a long day shopping and skiing. Jaya sat next to him in the neon-lit dark, her mind turning back to all that had happened that day.
When she’d caught him in her room, Jaya had not envisioned that it would end up like this: with her relinquishing the plan she’d been certain would avenge her family’s honor. But what other choice did she have? Anyone reasonable would’ve arrived at that conclusion after seeing and hearing Grey’s obvious agony. She glanced at his profile, lit pink from the neon lights on the bus, and felt a prickle of sympathy.
So now what? Where did all this leave her with her family? What would she tell them, or Kiran, who abhorred the Emersons as much as she did? What did it mean for her as the heiress to the Rao name and estate, if she was sympathetic to an Emerson?
Jaya leaned her head back against the window and closed her eyes. She felt like the ocean, once a storm had descended. Tossed about, churning, with no end in sight.
Grey
Grey glanced at Jaya, who appeared to be napping, her head back against the window, her face bathed in pink light. She looked calm, peaceful, like a tranquil lake in Costa Rica. Grey, on the other hand, felt completely wrung out. He was an empty hull of a wrecked ship—shattered and adrift.
He’d never confided in another human like that before. All the things he’d said to Jaya, all the weirdness he’d poured out on her, and she’d just… She hadn’t judged him. They’d fought, sure, but then they’d talked and he felt good about it. He felt, strangely enough, like she’d listened. Like she’d truly heard him as no one else had before.
Glancing at her again, Grey felt his heart squeeze in his chest. I like her, he realized with a start. He really liked who she was, through and through. Alarmed and a bit disturbed by these feelings that were both unsanctioned and impermissible for someone in his position (not just cursed but also doomed), Grey frowned and looked out the window at the darkness.
* * *
A couple of days after the Aspen trip, Grey found himself in the aquatic center. He pushed himself to swim lap after lap, pulling himself through the water with his arms, his legs kicking effortlessly behind. Swimming helped him think. In the water, his mind went blank, all the thoughts that had been jostling and pushing for real estate falling quiet. The only sound he heard was the rhythmic splashing of the water. The only thing he felt was the balmy warmth of the heated pool.
He emerged at the shallow end, only to realize he wasn’t alone. His goggles had fogged up, but he saw a figure in a bright fuchsia swimsuit standing above him. The figure didn’t move; it seemed like they were waiting for him to do something. Grey pushed his goggles to the top of his head to find Jaya in a one-piece, ruffles along the plunging neckline. He forced his eyes to hers. “Hey.”
She smiled, her eyes wandering over his naked shoulders as if she couldn’t help it. A warmth spread through Grey’s belly, and he squashed it with some effort. “Hi. Do you mind if I pop in for a swim?”
He waved his arm toward the empty lap lane next to his. “What it’s there for.”
She sat on the edge and let herself drop in, an effortlessly graceful royal mermaid. “Wow. I can’t believe there’s no one else here.”
Grey looked out over the other six lap lanes. “Well, it’s close to nine o’clock at night—one hour until the pool closes. It’s usually deserted around this time.”
Jaya began treading water. “Ah, I see. I got bored in the dorms, and felt like a bit of exercise, so… Hope you don’t mind the intrusion.” She held his gaze, asking his permission.
“You’re not intruding.” Grey slipped his goggles back on and, without another word, resumed his laps. This time his mind wasn’t so empty.
He was too aware of her as he swam. There was a tentative ease between them now that wasn’t there previously. Where before there had been a brick wall keeping them apart, there was now also a tiny window. Whatever he may have felt about the Raos, he couldn’t ignore that Jaya Rao was the only one besides his family who knew all of him.
Jaya kept a much steadier pace than him, peacefully going back and forth. She seemed to enjoy just being in the water, as opposed to using it as a tool to outswim unwanted thoughts. She went for thirty minutes before she got out, shook herself off, and walked to the hot tub.
Grey considered her as he treaded water in the deep end. Her head was leaned back as she sat in the hot, bubbling water, her eyes closed, eyelashes resting on her cheeks. His heart thudded. He wanted to go sit by her. Should he go sit by her?
Without letting himself think too much, he swam over to the ladder, got out of the pool, and walked the few steps to the hot tub. Jaya opened her eyes when she felt him splash in next to her.
“Hope you don’t mind the intrusion,” Grey said, parroting her words from the pool.
She gestured to the bench beside her. “What it’s there for.”
A ghost of a smile at his lips, he took a seat. After a pause, he pointed in the general direction of her chest, not wanting to let his eyes linger there. “You’re not wearing your necklace.”
Jaya’s fingers caressed the bare skin just under the hollow of her throat. “No. The rubies keep falling and I didn’t want to make it worse.” She glanced at him, her eyes soft. “How are you doing?”
He knew she wasn’t asking about his general health. She meant “How are you doing since you think your life is ending?” “I’m fine.”
“I was thinking…,” Jaya said. “I might take it to get repaired. You know, just to see what, ah, what that does.”
Grey frowned. “What it does?” Then understanding dawned. “Do you mean if it gets rid of the curse?”
She nodded.
Grey rubbed a wet hand along his jaw. “That’s not going to help.” It was a little endearing that she wanted to try, though.
“Maybe not,” Jaya said. “But perhaps if the pendant really does know you’re near like you told me in Aspen, it’ll sense you trying to help.” Seeing his skeptical face, she added, “Maybe it sounds silly, but I don’t know how these things work. What can it hurt to try?”
He considered this. “Okay.”
“Okay.” She smiled, and for the first time, Grey realized just how perfectly bow-shaped her lips were. “I’ll find a good jeweler. And ah… we could go together. If you wanted to, I mean.”
Her expression was tentative, wondering if he’d reject her like he’d rejected her before. “Sure,” Grey found himself saying, which was a surprise even to him. “That wouldn’t be… awful.” He was already kind of looking forward to it, in fact.
Her smile broadened and she moved infinitesimally closer to him on the underwater bench. “Not awful. I’ll take that as a compliment. This is so beautiful,” she added, tipping her head back to look at the stars through the paned glass roof. Her cheeks were stained a dark pink, strands of her hair coiled in wet curls on her neck.
Her hand rested lightly next to his on the bench; he could see it through inches of water. Her pinkie was so close to his, he could just twitch his finger and be touching her.
His gaze drifted to her lips. They were close enough to be kissing. Did she want that? Did he? As if she could read his thoughts, Jaya looked over at him, her brown eyes soft and inviting. Grey’s heart beat so loudly it was hard to hear his own thoughts.
What was he doing?
“I should go,” Grey said, beginning to haul himself out of the hot tub.
There was no point. There was no point in getting close to Jaya Rao, in getting close to anyone. He was… different from others. He was tainted. He couldn’t allow himself to feel anything for Jaya Rao, and he couldn’t let her feel things for him. It was as simple as that. So why the hell was he finding it so hard?
Jaya
Jaya watched him as he made a motion to leave, her pulse pounding. Had they almost just… kissed? There had been something in the air. Why were her hands trembling, for God’s sake? She’d found herself wondering what those lips would feel like molded to hers, what that sandpaper stubble might feel like against her cheek.
In the history of bad ideas, there had never been one worse than a Rao heiress kissing an Emerson aristocrat. And not just any Emerson aristocrat, but one who believed himself plagued by a curse that had originated with the Raos themselves. What would her family say? How would it reflect on her, on the Raos’ reputation, the eldest daughter cavorting with an Emerson at boarding school on the heels of the scandal involving the youngest daughter?
Not to mention, now that she was sure Grey hadn’t been behind Isha’s scandal, she had a problem. She was back to square one, trying to figure out who’d been behind the leak. Perhaps she could reach out to the journalist in Mysuru again, offer to pay him for a name. It might be a different Emerson. Just another reason on a very long list of why it was a bad idea to edge emotionally closer to Grey.
He obviously had his own doubts too. Why else would he have jumped up like that to get away from her?
Of Curses and Kisses Page 18
