I argued with a doctor, when he said he couldn’t pump my stomach yet, not that there was anything left in there. I just wanted to feel better. I really pissed karma off this time. The warm blankets were amazing, better than medicine I think. My teeth instantly stopped chattering and brought me comforting relief. I calmed enough to answer the questions being fired at me about what I had eaten, what I had drank, if I could be pregnant, when was my last period, when was my last bowel movement, blah, blah, blah.
After a half a dozen tests, I was finally much better. I just wanted sleep by the time the doctor came back into see me. My eyes were closed and I wanted to go home, wherever that was.
“Did someone get a hold of my husband?” I asked when the emergency room doctor came back in to give me my lecture.
“Yes he’s on his way. Are you going to be okay going home with him?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, moving my fingers from my eyes to look at him.
“I imagine he’s going to be pretty upset about this. Did you know he helped fund the entire new kid’s free clinic?”
“Yes, I’m the one that headed the entire charity event.” Dick head. Who the fuck did he think he was? I sure as hell wasn’t going to listen to this shit.
“I didn’t mean anything by it. I just don’t think he’s going to be extremely happy with you getting this intoxicated in your condition.”
“My condition?”
“You know, the pregnancy.”
“Excuse me?” I asked, sitting up.
“You did know you were expecting, didn’t you?”
“Expecting what?”
“A baby. You weren’t aware you are pregnant, Mrs. Ashby?”
“I’m not, it’s not mine, I mean, I can’t get pregnant.”
“Why would you think that?”
“I—I tried.”
“I assure you Mrs. Ashby. You’re very pregnant, about ten weeks. Everything looked very good, and the technician that did your ultrasound heard a nice strong heartbeat, but I wouldn’t suggest any more of this.
“I didn’t see a baby, I was there,” I protested.
“The technician isn’t allowed to mention anything like that to the patient unless the physician specifies. You should tell your husband. If you need help, if this is a problem for you we can discreetly get you help,” the nice doctor explained, letting me know that we could take care of my drinking problem without being in the public eye.
“Can you not mention this to my husband?” I asked.
“Certainly, no more drinking, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” What? What? What? What? I couldn’t be pregnant. I know what he did to me. I felt it. I heard him say I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant, I heard him say I wouldn’t even ovulate. Now I had to go there. I had to know if it was even safe for a baby to be in there. Oh my god. There was a baby in there. I had a baby inside me. Placing my hand over my belly, I thought I could feel a little pouch. Oh lord. Ten weeks? It could be Garrison’s. I didn’t want it to be Garrisons. Wait. I didn’t want it to be Sam’s, either.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Garrison asked concerned, coming to my rescue.
“Alcohol poisoning.” I smiled, tilting my head. Garrison helped me to my feet and turned around when I removed the hospital gown to get dressed. Yup, some things would never change.
I ruined his eight-month anniversary for the second time that night, but I was glad he came. I felt like the talk on the ride home gave us both some closure. Garrison and I both knew we didn’t belong together. And we admitted that to each other in the car.
“You don’t think there’s something wrong with me?” Garrison asked in the dark. He didn’t give me time to answer before continuing. “I thought things could be different with you. You were so pretty, and I couldn’t believe it the day you sat beside me and started talking to me in Mr. England’s class. I thought you would be what fixed me.”
“You weren’t broken, Garrison, just different. I was different, too, but you know what? Maybe I thought the same thing. I thought you had a strong family with a good upbringing, but that wasn’t really the case, was it Garrison?”
Garrison blew out a puff of agreeing air and I had to tell him the light was green. “No, not for one second. Carter and I were held to a level of unattainable expectations. My parents will never accept us divorcing, you know that, right?”
“Ha! Wait until they find out you’re gay,” I joked. There wasn’t really anything else to do, but to joke about it. “You know that explains so much, Garrison. I thought there was something wrong with me, why you didn’t want to touch me.”
“It wasn’t you. It was never you. You think I didn’t see how not only the guys looked at you, but your friends, too? They were all envious of you.”
“Those women were never my friends.”
“I want you to be happy, Kendra. Why were you coming back? Why did you want to work things out?”
“Dumb, I don’t know. Things didn’t work out the way I had hoped, and I just felt you were the safer alternative.”
“I’m not. I want to show you something,” Garrison said, pulling off the side of the road. I watched him cautiously, wondering what the hell he was doing when he popped the trunk and got out. We sat by the side of the road, and he handed me an envelope.
“What is this?” I asked, puzzled.
“Open it.”
I pulled the stack of eight by ten photos from their containment and instantly smiled.
“See, you see that smile you instantly got when you saw him? You’ve never smiled for me like that. Look at your face there, Kendra. Look how happy you are. You were never that happy with me. Look how you look at him. Look how your eyes light up when you look at him. You see him. You never saw me. Go be happy, Kendra. You’ve done your time. You deserve it. I truly believe that everybody has a somebody. You’re looking at yours.”
I flipped through the investigating photos of me and Sam with a smile. Garrison was right. I was happy, and I did deserve that, but I didn’t know if I would ever find that again. I was afraid Sam was one of a kind and no one else would understand me. “Is Craig your somebody?” I asked, turning to Garrison.
“I think he is.” He smiled. I leaned into Garrison and we hugged, really hugged. That was the most emotion I had ever felt from my husband in all the years I’d known him and I knew he did love me as much as I loved him. We wished each other the best, just not together.
Garrison dropped me off at the door, and told me to stay as long as I wanted.
“Thanks for everything, Garrison,” I said, turning to him in the driveway. He smiled and I promised not to ruin what was left of his night for the rest of the night. He laughed. I liked seeing him happy.
With everything that was going on around me, I wasn’t even going to expect sleep when I crawled into my bed. I knew my mind would be in a million other places. Garrison was gay and I was pregnant with a baby. A real baby. I presume I was emotionally drained, because I did sleep. I slept until noon the next day. The only reason I woke when I did was because the maid was there, she opened my door and apologized right away.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were back. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it,” I said, feeling rested as I stretched. The startled look on her face told me that I truly was different. I should have been telling her what an idiot she was, and firing her stupid ass.
“I could fix you breakfast,” she offered.
“That’s okay. I kind of just want to be alone. You can have the day off,” I offered. The house wasn’t even dirty. It never was. How could it be when we didn’t even live in three-quarters of it? I was the one that made them do all the tedious things that didn’t need done. Like the pile of sheets she held in her arms. They were never slept on, but I made her change them every Monday. “With pay,” I added, seeing the look that told me she needed the money and didn’t want the day off. That brought a smile. And it made me feel good about m
yself.
I don’t know what changed, maybe nothing, maybe just the fact that I had a baby growing inside me. She had been there for ten weeks and I didn’t even know it. Maybe the new life was what I needed for my own new life, but I had to do something first. I had to see Dr. Delgado. I couldn’t bear the thought of prolonging this new life if it didn’t have a chance. I wouldn’t do that to me or my little angel. She deserved better than that, and if aborting her to keep her from being hurt later is what I had to do, then that is what I would do.
After looking over my divorce papers on Garrison’s desk, I was happy and content with everything that he was willing to give me, especially if I was going to be supporting a baby. I didn’t want the Porsche, but that was money in the bank. I could sell it.
I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich and sat at Garrison’s desk to start my research. Nothing. There were lots of experimental birth control methods in other countries, but nothing that sounded even remotely close to what Dr. Delgado did to me. He was the only one who knew.
I made the appointment for the following morning, but I was warned from the get-go that Dr. Delgado had been there for twelve years and never saw visitors. My chances were slim to none that he would see me. I didn’t care. I had to try.
After a hot shower, I dressed and took Garrison’s BMW in to town to buy a new phone. The stupid thing went crazy as soon as the salesman had it activated. It was Sam. Sam sent a million text messages and my voicemail was full. I skimmed the messages, all saying basically the same thing. Call me. Where are you? Are you okay?
I listened to a couple of the voicemails, walking back to the car, but then answered my phone when Olivia’s name appeared on my screen.
“Hi, I was going to call you. How’s your mom?”
“She’s fine. How are you? Where the hell are you? Sam’s been blowing up my phone since last night. What’s going on? I thought you were with him.”
“I was. I’m back in Hartford, but I’m leaving tomorrow. You want to come with me, or does your mom still need you? I could sort of use a friend right now.”
“I can come. My mom is driving me crazy. I’m glad you didn’t buy me that house this close to her. I love her to death, but maybe living in a different town would be better.”
“That’s great,” I laughed. “You want me to come get you. I have to head out by six in the morning.”
“Yes, come get me. I’ll be waiting by the door.”
“Damn. You must really need out of there.”
“I do. She’s going to teach me how to crochet today. Hurry.”
“On my way,” I laughed. I was actually laughing. Although I was worried sick about what Dr. Delgado said, or if he would even see me, I couldn’t help but feel giddy about being pregnant. I never wanted anything so bad in all my life. I didn’t need Sam’s permission to be around my own little girl. I would be the best mommy in the entire world. My little girl wouldn’t spend one second, feeling like I didn’t love her. I would do all the things my mother didn’t do. I moved the thought of my mom to the back of my mind. I didn’t want to think about that right now, although I knew I had to…eventually.
I wanted to think positive and hold on to a glimmer of hope. That’s what I chose to think about while driving to pick up the only friend I had in the entire world. The name I had picked out for her wasn’t sticking anymore. Avery Hope was her name if she was incubated in Olivia. She didn’t feel like an Avery Hope anymore. Oh my god. She was going to need a last name. I needed to find out who the father was. Where were we going to live? Did I want to stay in the beach house? I loved it there, but also felt I needed fresh and new. Maybe we would live in a small town like Sam. I liked that idea.
“I love you!” Olivia exclaimed, getting into Garrison’s BMW. I smiled, happy to see her and held up one finger while I answered Garrison’s call.
“You okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine, Garrison. I took your car. Can I borrow it for a couple days?”
“I should have asked you if you wanted the SUV. I can keep the Porsche if you’d rather.”
“Nah, I’m good. I’m thinking maybe a Ford. I don’t want a BMW anymore, but you can have the Porsche.”
“I’ll see what Craig says. He might want me to get it. I’ll make it up in the settlement.”
“Okay, I’ll bring the BMW back in a couple days. I want to go visit a couple people.”
“You’re going to be okay, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, Olivia is with me. I’m fine.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to you later.”
“See ya, Garrison.”
“What?” I questioned the bazaar way Olivia was looking at me.
“What was that?”
“What was what?”
“You and Garrison. That was like a normal conversation. I’ve never heard you two talk like that.”
“He’s gay,” I said in the Kendra, blurt it out, way. “And I’m pregnant,” I added, also in the Kendra way. Might as well get it all out now. I had to tell her to speak after her mouth just hung there.
“Wait. You’re pregnant, but I thought you said?”
“I did. That’s why we’re going there. I tried to find information on what he did to me, but I couldn’t find one thing about it. I’m not sure I can carry it. What if something’s wrong?”
“You’re pregnant? Is it Sam’s?”
I shrugged both shoulders and glanced in her direction. “I don’t know. It could go either way. Ten weeks ago was about the time I met Sam and Garrison was there the same weekend.”
“There’s a test you can do while you’re pregnant.”
“I know. I had a pro bono case in college where the female was pregnant by one of three men. The girl stated that all three men were in the house. She had gone to the bathroom and one of them grabbed her from behind and gagged her with rag. She tried to scream, but the music was too loud.”
“Was she the only girl?”
“No there were three more. They were partying and everyone was drunk, including Alissa Sparks,” I nodded in a cocky sort of way.
“Hey, wait. I know that name.”
“Indeed. Alissa Parks was national news.”
“Oh my god! You’re Kendra Brannigan!” Olivia exclaimed in apprehension.
“Indeed again. Alissa was a virgin before that night, but because she came from a lower class of people and all three guys denied the allegations. Because she didn’t report it, she had no evidence. She didn’t even know which guy to blame. The rich kids of Stanton Island were never charged. Alissa was laughed out of court when she cried rape from one of the men at a party with her being drunk and willingly going to the house. Two weeks later she found out she was pregnant. When she went back to the courts with her new found information, she was told to own up to her mistakes and take some responsibility for her reckless ways.”
“You won. You had the boy’s court ordered to submit to a DNA test. The father ended up being the mayor’s son and it was all over the news. I saw you on the courthouse steps. You were the youngest lawyer I ever saw. I remember thinking how much you inspired me, you were so young and pretty, and you just made headlines for standing up to very powerful people.”
“I inspired you?” That’s what I heard. Out of all that, I only heard that.
“Yeah,” Olivia said with a, duh, tone. “What happened? Why did you give that up for Garrison?”
I shrugged again. “It’s what we’re taught to do. Go to Harvard or Yale, and get a man. Men want intellectual wives, ones that can play the role well.”
“Role? Like?” Olivia questioned.
“Like being able to entertain a house full of guests by being just as smart as them. Playing the alpha mom role, PTA meetings, sports, dance, golf, the more the merrier,” I explained.
“But what about love, and emotion, and fun, and laughter? I never saw you be that way with Garrison, but you were a different person when you were around Sam, like the attorney that spoke with conviction t
o those TV crews. You looked different then.”
“I was a kid. I was different,” I agreed, but I knew what she meant. If I had to pick the best time of my life, pre-Sam, I would say it was my college years. I finally got away from everyone when my mother sent me off to the boarding school, but that was a very dark time in my life. I had just caused a horrific accident that left two people dead, one in a wheelchair and, leaving one as an orphan. I pretty much stuck to myself during those years.
It was college that I decided to finally try and fit in. I am going to call that one a fail. It didn’t go over so well. I fit in with the smart nerds. I guess I was too programmed to talk to the cool kids per sé. I hung out with people like Garrison. The ones that didn’t throw their education away partying. I went to debate clubs, and case study parties, not frat parties.
“Was Garrison your first love? I don’t understand how someone as beautiful as you ends up with Garrison Ashby.” I smiled at the beautiful comment. I knew when I looked in the mirror I was pretty. I don’t know that I would say I was beautiful, but it always felt good hearing it.
“Garrison wasn’t my first love. He was my second. Harry Goofenhuser was my first,” I explained without going into details. Harry was one of those guys you had to count as a number, but would never admit it, and hope like hell you never ran into them again. Harry and I never talked about sex, we never talked about anything unless it had to do with law. I never kissed him, either. I think maybe I took advantage of him. Harry wasn’t what you would call cute, not even a little bit. His top teeth were in a sharp V and made his face look very skinny. His buckteeth were always showing and he wore the thick, black normal, nerd like glasses.
I invited him to my apartment to study one night, planning to seduce him. We were sitting on the sofa, watching Court TV when I bluntly put it out there.
“You can play with my pussy if you want,” I offered, never taking my eyes from the television.
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