“I never stopped loving you, Rae,” he answers quietly. My heart stops beating and my lungs still in my chest. I certainly never expected him to say that. “But when I came down here, you could’ve sent me to hell on the spot with the look in your eyes. And I didn’t come here for you. I came for Jackson. I can’t undo what I did, Rae, and I don’t think we’ll ever have a second chance. That’s okay, as long as I get to be a father to Jackson.” His eyes drift away from me to where Jackson plays.
I don’t know what to say. Elias put me in this position and I don’t know why. Where am I supposed to go from here? What else am I supposed to discuss with Henry in order to satisfy Elias? I don’t even understand what Elias is after with this.
“You’ve moved on, right, Rae?” Confusion colors Henry’s voice.
“Yes. Even if I wasn’t with Elias,” my head shakes, “I couldn’t.” My eyes find Jackson who waves at me before he jumps into the ball pit. “Between your parents and mine, what happened between us, and everything else, it’s too much to get over. Co-parenting is much easier. It’s all I want.” I’m not so sure I’m still with Elias. He said he wasn’t breaking up with me, but it certainly didn’t sound like it.
“That’s what I figured. Have I somehow messed things up between you and EJ?”
I shake my head. “No.” Should I tell him more? Maybe he could tell me what the hell is going on. That doesn’t seem wise, all things considered, so I stay quiet.
“But something has happened?” he presses.
“Stay out of it, Henry,” I warn as Jackson runs out of the playroom and climbs into my lap.
“Don’t you want to play with me, Momma?”
I laugh. “You know I’m too big and too old to be in there.”
“You’re not too big,” he argues. “Dad and EJ are too big. You could play in there with me.”
I smile. My son innocently points out my height disadvantage because it means I can still fit into all the nooks and crannies of the playhouse.
“Please, Momma?” He then adds in a whisper, “No one will notice you’re not a kid.”
Henry can’t hold in his laughter anymore and I shake my head with a smile. “Okay, but only for a few minutes.” He slides off my lap, takes my hand, and drags me into the playroom. I kick off my shoes and follow after him. While I may be short and small, the tube we crawl through still feels like a tight fit. For a moment, I panic about how embarrassing it would be if I was to get stuck in here.
Jackson cannonballs into the ball pit. I simply step into it.
“Let’s play hide and seek, Momma!”
“Okay. You’re on.”
He dives under the balls and I grin before coming after him. He can move easier than I can in here. I blame the fact that he’s more experienced and even smaller than I am. I eventually capture him, tickling his stomach and sending him into a fit of giggles.
“Okay, Momma! Stop!” he shouts in between his laughs.
“Tell me something I want to hear.”
“I love you! Best momma ever! Please!”
I stop and he takes a couple of deep breaths with a wide smile on his face. “Maybe we should stop and go hang out with your dad. He looks lonely.”
Jackson swivels to look at Henry. He nods solemnly. We climb out of the playhouse, put our shoes back on, and walk to Henry.
“All done?”
“We didn’t want to leave you out of our fun,” I say. “Let’s go to your house for a bit, if that’s okay?”
“Yeah, sure.”
At Henry’s, we play with the toys Jackson has quickly accumulated here and play board games. We even watch a movie. I ignore a few texts from Elias, who attempts to check in and start conversations with me. I replay the conversation with Elias in my mind over and over. What possible good did he think would come out of it? That’s what I don’t understand.
Maybe this is Elias’s way of deciding he doesn’t want this with me anymore. He thinks if I talk about unresolved issues with Henry, then I’ll leave him for Henry? Is that what he wants? He said he didn’t, but then why mention it? I don’t freaking know. All I know is that it’s time for Jackson and me to go home, a home that isn’t really mine, and the thought makes me want to vomit.
I drive us home. Henry says goodbye, wishes me luck, and returns to his house in his car. With a deep breath, we walk inside.
Elias is in the kitchen and he turns after grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. “Hey.”
“Hey. We’re going upstairs so Jackson can shower before bed.” I grab my laptop from the table, exactly where I left it.
He nods. I worry he might follow us, but he doesn’t. My stomach aches at the thought that this might be awkward. I don’t want that, especially since I love my job, and the last thing I need is for this to interfere. My heart hurts and bursts with pain over the idea that Elias and I might be over. Even worse is that little voice in the back of my mind that wishes for it. The one that wants my world to revert back to the way it was when it was just Jackson and me. The only person I had to worry about was Jackson. Now, I’m concerned with Elias, Bree, and me. It’s too much!
What was I thinking anyway? Getting involved with someone I work for? In allowing my son to know so soon, only for his heart to be broken right alongside mine when things inevitably go wrong? This is only the first sign. It’s the start of my new life going downhill. I was stupid for thinking I could have anything good in my life other than Jackson.
My world has finally expanded, but it hinged upon my meeting Elias. Will my new, wide world collapse if we fall apart? It feels as if it already is.
When Jackson finishes up, I tuck him into bed and manage to change into my own pajamas before there’s a soft knock on my locked door. I tiptoe over. I could keep ignoring him, right?
“Raelynn?” he softly calls. “Can we talk?”
My forehead lightly bangs against the door. He’s not even in the room and tension wraps around my heart like a vise. “Can we do it tomorrow?”
Silence answers me at first. “I’d rather handle this now.”
“Well, I’m tired and I’d rather not.” At least there’s some truth in that.
“Okay. Tomorrow then.”
Not if I have anything to say about it.
Tomorrow comes and after I drop Jackson off at school, I find myself driving to Deanna’s quilt shop. All I’ve been able to think about while avoiding Elias and giving him the silent treatment as much as possible is my last relationship. Not only did it end, but it ended so terribly that I eventually left the state to get away from him and everyone else there. I can’t run in this situation. Not only is North Carolina now Jackson’s home, but Henry is here, Jackson’s friends are here, and despite how hard it would be to live in the same house as Elias, I couldn’t leave him hanging and without a nanny in the middle of the season.
Getting over Henry was hard. Picking up those pieces while my parents disowned me, while my body changed as a baby grew inside of me, it was incredibly difficult to do. My hurt transformed into anger, where it lived a healthy life in the back of my mind in the event Henry ever did show up one day.
And Elias has seen my reactions to Henry. Why in the world would he ever think there would be any positive feelings left over? That I would want to be a family with Henry? Maybe we don’t know each other that well after all. Maybe we’re rushing into things. Maybe we shouldn’t have started anything at all.
I don’t have to think about things for a bit because it’s time to see Deanna. She smiles when I walk in with Bree on my hip.
“Hey! What are you doing here?” She walks around the counter to hug me and steal Bree away.
“We came to visit.”
“I’m honored,” she says with a smile. She and Bree take baby steps around the store as Deanna allows Bree to walk. “Is everything okay, Raelynn?” Deanna asks, cutting a look at me as she and Bree walk around the corner of a table and head toward me.
I shrug. Nothing is okay. Eve
rything is falling apart.
“Detour, little lady.” Deanna takes Bree’s hands and leads her away from the front. “Come on. We’ll go to my office where we can talk.” I follow after her. She soon scoops Bree up to hold her and sits with her in her lap once she sits in the chair behind her desk. She takes a quick picture of them on her phone and appears to send off a message, probably to Brayden. The moment I sit in the chair across from her, she asks, “What’s going on?”
I love that she asks and leaves it at that. There aren’t any follow-up questions about whether it’s Elias and me or Henry or Jackson. She simply asks and doesn’t try to fill in the very big blanks at this point. With a sigh, I tell her everything that’s happened, from the break-in to Elias coming home to me avoiding him right this very second and feeling like we never should’ve started dating in the first place.
“First, what you need to understand is that men are idiots,” she says, causing me to laugh. “We don’t understand them just as much as they don’t understand us. But you aren’t going to figure it out by avoiding him every second you get, Raelynn. Don’t make that mistake.”
“I know. It’s just...” My voice trails off as I glance down where my hands rest in my lap.
“What?” Deanna pushes softly.
“I liked my life before. It wasn’t easy, but I had Jackson and he was all I needed. I was happy.” I tilt my head back and blink, emotions welling and rolling around inside of me like a tidal wave at the thought of things potentially changing. Of everything I’ve been thinking about coming true. “And now, I really like my life and I’m even happier. I’m terrified Elias wants to change that. I don’t want to lose him.”
“You won’t know unless you talk to him and figure out why Henry all of a sudden concerns him.”
“I know.” That’s the unfortunate part. I have to talk to him and give him the opportunity to break my heart. But it’s also the same opportunity to explain things and keep us together.
“Secondly,” Deanna says, apparently not done with her lecture, “the world isn’t ending, Raelynn. I don’t know your past, I do know this is your first relationship in a long time, but just because this is a bump in the road doesn’t mean it’ll crash and total the car. This is something that y’all can overcome if you want to make it work.”
“You’re right.”
She gives me a small smile. “So, maybe you should head home soon?” She glances down at Bree. “After I’ve had plenty of baby time, I mean.”
So, we hang out in her office some. We do spend time out front as well. Around lunch, I finally head back home. Elias isn’t there, but he could have meetings or whatnot to do. Our morning adventures must tire Bree out because after she gets some food in her, she dozes off. But any time I lay her in her crib, she wakes up and whines. To fix this, I let her rest against my chest, her head on my shoulder, while I sit at the table with my laptop in front of me. I can type while she sleeps.
When Elias walks in the door, I quickly close my laptop, not wanting him to see what’s on it. I must look like he caught me because he asks, “What are you doing?”
I don’t want to tell him the truth, not right now at least. I hesitate as I think of a good answer and then it hits me. “Schoolwork.”
His eyes flick to the otherwise empty table. “Where are your textbooks?”
“Oh, um, well, I don’t need them yet.”
He doesn’t believe me. That much is clear. Elias lets it slide, though. “We need to talk and get this shit over with.”
“Oh, you mean the shit you started?”
His expression hardens. “This started when I saw you hugging Henry like your life depended on it.”
What?
“The night of the break-in,” he adds.
“You’re kidding me. You’re jealous I leaned on the only person around when I was terrified?”
“I’m not jealous,” he snaps.
“Certainly sounds like it,” I retort as I stand. “And of someone I only tolerate because he’s my son’s father. You should know better, Elias.”
“How?” He throws his arms out. “You barely let me in, Raelynn. How am I supposed to know you would never consider getting back with Henry?”
How could he not know, even without me verbally saying so? I shake my head and walk away to put a still-sleeping Bree in her crib. I don’t want to argue with her in my arms.
My gaze returns to her laptop over and over. She closed that thing so fast when I walked in. Is she hiding something again? Why? Why must the women in my life torture me by being secretive? I can’t handle it now. Not after Bree’s mom, Vicky. My body seems to have a mind of its own as I move over to where Raelynn was just sitting. I hesitate for a few seconds, wait for my gut to tell me what to do, and then I open her laptop.
It’s a document, the cursor blinking and waiting for something else to be typed. I scroll the long way to the top. That’s when confusion sets in. The top of the document simply starts with Chapter One. I can’t help but continue down the path I’ve set myself on and begin reading.
Holy shit.
She’s writing a book.
I’m so consumed in reading that I don’t hear Raelynn walk down the stairs and back into the room.
“What are you doing?” she accuses, a tremble in her voice.
I stand and take a step away from the laptop as if that removes any contact I had with it. “You were acting weird.” I wince at the lamest possible thing I could’ve possibly said, and it actually came out of my mouth. The only thing I should have said is that I shouldn’t have done what I did, even though I knew that before I did it.
Raelynn stalks over to her laptop, closes it, and holds it against her chest. “And that gives you the right to snoop through my things? What is wrong with you? That is personal, Elias. If it was something I was ready to share, you would know about it. I... I can’t believe you did that. I need to go.”
I grab her elbow loosely enough that she can still walk away if she wants, but enough that it stops her from walking away. “Wait a second. You can’t keep leaving, Raelynn.”
She lifts her chin and stares at me. “Watch me.” She doesn’t move yet, though.
“Why wouldn’t you tell me you write?”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes,” I answer simply.
“I am not used to this, Elias!” she yells, waving between the two of us. “That much should be crystal fucking clear by now! I’m trying here, but that doesn’t mean I’m cracking my chest open for you to see what’s inside. It takes time for us to get to a point where you can see this.” She waves her laptop around. “You’re acting like this isn’t a huge deal, what you just did. You invaded my privacy!”
“I know, and I’m sorry. It’s just with the way things were with Bree’s mom—”
“I’m not her!” she shouts.
“And I’m not Henry! You do the same thing to me, Raelynn.” She frowns, but I push forward. “Don’t tell me you don’t compare your past to your present. That you don’t worry about mistakes repeating themselves. For fuck’s sake, that’s not what any of this is about.”
“You’re right. It’s not,” she says with all the calmness she can muster. “It’s about you opening my laptop and reading something you had no right to read.” Raelynn sighs. “I have to pick up Jackson.” She turns and walks out before I can think of something to say to stop her.
Why would she be writing a book? And why would she keep something like that to herself? How long has she been writing? I have so many questions and no answers. She would likely snap my head off if I attempt to ask her anytime soon, considering this is knowledge I shouldn’t even have right now.
Part of me can’t believe I looked, while the other half isn’t that surprised at all. Regardless, I know I shouldn’t have done it. That’s what makes all of this worse. I knew before I opened the laptop, but it was like I couldn’t help myself. Now what are we going to do? Why did I have to knock down what trust we mana
ged to build?
I go upstairs to sit in Bree’s room. It’s the only place in the whole house that will give me comfort. I pick her up and hold her while she sleeps, gently rocking back and forth in the recliner.
“What am I going to do, princess?” I whisper. “Daddy made a big mistake.” I sigh. I almost wish she’d left her laptop, so I could’ve kept reading. What I had read so far seemed pretty good. Bree’s arms jerk in her sleep and she grabs my thumb as she settles. She looks so peaceful and more perfect as she sleeps. Her eyelashes fan over the tops of her cheeks. Her lips purse.
Regret and remorse filter through me as I gaze at my little girl. “How will I make it up to her, hmm? Because I don’t want her to leave us. We clearly have things to work on, though.” I want to work things out. I want to fix things. I want Raelynn to trust me and I want to be able to trust her.
“EJ!” Jackson shouts as he runs into the room. His eyes widen and he clamps a hand over his mouth when he sees Bree sleeping. “Did I wake her up?” he whispers, climbing onto my lap and seeing for himself that she’s still out like a light.
“No, you didn’t,” I answer anyway. “Did you want to tell me something?”
“Oh, yeah!” He continues to whisper, which makes me smile. “Can we build a blanket fort tonight?”
“Sure thing, J-man.”
“Did I miss anything today?” He leans forward to carefully kiss her cheek.
He missed a lot, but that’s not what he’s asking and not something he needs to know. “No firsts today.”
“Can we wake her up so I can play with her?”
I laugh. “You never wake a sleeping baby, Jackson. You’ll be able to play with her later, I’m sure. Hop down and let me lay her down. I’ll play with you.”
Once Bree is back in her crib, we leave her room to cross the hall to his room. Raelynn steps out of her room and her quick glance at me ties my stomach in knots. This won’t be a quick, easy fix between us. She nods a simple acceptance as Jackson tells her we’re going to his room to play.
Worth the Risk Page 19
