by Sarra Cannon
I’d be grounded until I turned eighteen. At least.
But at the same time, I had to do this. I knew it was stupid, but I had to go. The only other option was to let whatever this was take hold of me like it had taken hold of Hailey.
I could never move on from this if I didn’t figure out what really happened that night. The medallion, the drawings, losing Hailey, the drugs. I couldn’t get past it. I had to figure this out or I was going to die inside, a little bit more every day.
Besides, if whatever happened to her was really happening to me, too, how long did I have before I drove off a bridge, too?
I made up my mind, walking around the side of the house and climbing into my car. I sent up a desperate prayer to the gods of sneaking out that my family would sleep through this and never find out.
“Here goes nothing,” I muttered as I turned the key in the ignition.
Rather than waiting to see if anyone was going to come rushing out of the house, I rolled out of the driveway. At this point, I was either going to get caught, or I wasn’t, but I wanted to at least get to where I needed to go and see if my memories came rushing back.
I kept my headlights off until I’d made it a full block away from the house. I glanced in the rearview and didn’t see my father running out into the street in his bathrobe.
That was a good start.
When I passed the Peterson’s house, I flipped my headlights on and pressed the gas.
It took me about fifteen minutes to get to the bridge on the other side of town. There were hardly any cars out and about at this time of night, so hopefully no one had seen me.
I hadn’t been back here since the night of the accident. It was a remotely travelled area on the edge of town anyway. The old bridge led up to an abandoned factory in the mountains that had closed down a few decades ago, so no one ever had any real reason to go up there.
Sometimes people would head up to the old factory to hang out or party, but the police started cracking down on that a few years ago when a fifteen-year-old guy in my class overdosed and died.
Now, it was mostly abandoned, which only added to the mystery. Why were Hailey and I driving out here in the first place? I knew we weren’t coming out here to get high, even if that’s what most people assumed about us.
There had to be some other reason. I just needed to remember.
I’d only been up to the factory one time my freshman year when Hailey asked me to go running with her. There were some trails in the woods up there that she liked to run because she said they tested her endurance better than the flat roads in town or the track at school. I liked to run, but I was definitely not cut out for her more extreme mountain runs. I couldn’t keep up, so I’d never gone back up there with her.
As far as I knew, Hailey had continued to run those trails every weekend, but I seriously doubted she’d been taking me up there for a run after midnight on a Saturday night.
So what were we doing out here?
I pulled my car off the road a few feet shy of the bridge and sat there for several minutes before I finally worked up the courage to get out.
The sound of my door slamming behind me echoed through the dark hills. The river rushed beneath the old bridge, making my mouth go dry.
My feet moved slowly up the road toward the bridge. It was more terrifying to be out here alone at night than I’d expected, but maybe that was a good thing. I needed something to bring these memories forward, and if fear was the tool I needed, so be it.
I forced myself to keep moving.
A concrete barrier had been erected at the mouth of the bridge and red signs warning of the danger of the area had been posted on both sides of the steel railing.
Twisted metal still told the tale of the night that had changed everything for me. I guess they’d figured it was pointless to repair an old bridge that no one used. A bridge where a girl had died.
My entire body buzzed with fear, and I shivered despite the warm night air.
I walked to the edge of the bridge, the wood creaking beneath my feet, and peered over the side. My breath caught in my chest, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized there were tears streaming down my face.
This is where Hailey had died.
One second she’d been alive, and the next she was gone forever. The truth of it had never felt so real. I leaned against the rusted steel, unsure if my legs could be trusted to hold me up.
A loud sob escaped my lips, but there was no one to witness it except the trees and the rushing river. I realized that for the first time in more than a year, I was truly alone. No nurses monitoring the hallway just outside my door. No parents sleeping in the next room. No teachers watching to make sure I was doing alright.
It was just me, and I was finally free to mourn the loss of my friend in privacy.
I released the steel bar and fell to my knees on the faded wood, sobs bubbling up from my core and tumbling out of me. All the pain and confusion rushed forward, escaping in primal sounds I hardly recognized as my own.
God, I missed her.
I missed my best friend. She’d been a part of me, and I loved her. I missed my old life. I missed the way my parents used to look at me, back when they trusted me and thought I was the kind of girl who followed the rules.
I cried for Hailey, but I also cried for myself. My tears were a mixture of loss and fear. Something was happening to me that I couldn’t explain, and I was completely alone with no one to lean on or trust. No one who understood.
I’m not sure how long I sat there, emptying myself, but when I was ready, I somehow found the strength to stand and dust myself off. I wiped my face on my black t-shirt and opened my eyes wide.
I walked to the center of the bridge and took a deep breath. It was time to do what I’d come here to do.
I needed to remember. Real memories. No nightmares or dreams or visions. No therapist telling me her version of events. I needed to remember the truth.
I faced the road to town and closed my eyes. I pictured Hailey’s car and tried to imagine us driving onto this bridge. I could almost see it in my mind’s eye, the car rushing toward me like a ghost. I opened my eyes and flipped around, imagining the car somehow swerving sharply to the right and crashing through the steel.
I walked to the jagged metal and leaned slightly over the edge. The river below rushed by so fast, it made me dizzy. It was so far down from here, and I shivered just looking at it, as if my body still remembered the freezing cold of that water against my skin.
I tried to imagine the sound the car would have made as it crashed into the water below.
According to what they’d told me, neither one of us had been wearing our seatbelts. They said we’d both been thrown from the car. Hailey had died on impact, and her body had fallen to the rocks on the river’s bank.
I had fallen into the water, but had somehow managed to find the strength to swim to her, despite a wicked gash on my head.
They had found me unconscious just a few feet away from Hailey’s body.
I closed my eyes again and tried to take myself back to that night. I could feel the wind in my hair, and I tried to remember if the windows of the car had been down or up.
They were up. I could see it now, the rain pounding against the windshield and sliding down the windows, making it difficult to see. I’d begged her to turn on the wipers, but she wouldn’t talk to me. It was as if she were in some kind of trance.
Black tears ran down her cheeks. They were real, even if the doctors swore it wasn’t possible.
I pushed farther, trying to remember more, but the truth kept sliding away from me.
In frustration, I fell to my knees and slammed my hand down against the wood. My palm caught the edge of a rusted nail, and pain ripped through the side of my hand. Tears burned in my eyes, and I stepped back, cradling my injured hand next to my body. Warm blood trickled down my wrist.
I was such a mess. All I wanted was to get back to my normal life. Finish hig
h school and go off to college like a normal person. Go somewhere no one knew about the accident or my time at the hospital. Where no one looked at me like I was some kind of drugged-out freak who needed special care.
But no matter how hard I tried to fit back into what used to be my life, I wasn’t the same person anymore. I thought I had cried enough for a lifetime, but tears of anger and pain and frustration rolled down my cheeks in hot waves. I wanted to move on from everything that had happened, but if I couldn’t figure this out, I would be trapped right here on this bridge for the rest of my life.
I wanted to scream. The answers had to be locked in my stupid brain, but I had no idea where to find the key. All I knew for sure was that I had no future without that past.
I stood and walked to the edge of the wooden bridge again and leaned as far over as I could. The old wood creaked under my weight, but I didn’t pull back, even though my heart was racing out of my chest.
The dark river rushed beneath me, a black sea of doubt and pain. Of death.
You could end it all right here.
The voice came from somewhere deep inside me, pulling me to the edge.
No more pain. No more confusion. You could be with Hailey and this will all be over.
The voice was not mine, and yet it seemed to come from me. It lured me toward the river with promises of peace.
Slowly, I climbed over the top of the railing. I threw my legs over to the other side and found an inch of footing. One wrong step and I’d be right back in the water. Maybe this time, I wouldn’t be so lucky.
Maybe it would be better to just end it all.
I closed my eyes and loosened my grip on the railing, imagining what it would be like to let go and fall.
I didn’t really want to end my life, but all of a sudden, it seemed inevitable. As if I had no real choice in the matter.
Wind whipped through my hair and dried the tears on my cheeks, and in my mind, I tumbled down, down, down into the depths of the water below. I could almost hear the crash of the car slamming against the rushing water.
Had we screamed? Did we even have time to scream before we hit the surface?
I pushed my mind deeper into the darkness, daring the memories to come.
Chills broke out across my skin as a harsh wind blew against me. Sweat and blood covered my palms and my knees trembled, but I held on, pushing back against whatever part of me resisted this.
Maybe Dr. Millner was right, and my mind had forgotten what happened that night in order to protect me from the horror of it, but I was no longer interested in protection. I wanted the truth, and I was willing to go to the edge to get it.
“I’m not afraid,” I whispered, my voice foreign and very much terrified. That wasn’t going to convince anyone, least of all myself.
I gripped the railing, clenching my teeth at the pain that burned through my hand. Fear rolled around in my stomach like a heavy rock, but I fought against it. This was my chance, and I desperately needed this to work.
I opened my eyes and stared into the rushing water, nothing but my own grip and the heels of my boots keeping me from its deadly depths.
My mouth dipped open and my breath came in short, heavy bursts as I leaned forward.
“I want to remember,” I screamed.
My voice echoed against the rocks and trees all around me. My foot nearly slipped, and I held on for dear life, fear blinding me. But just as I closed my eyes, a flash of something came to me, and I stopped breathing entirely.
Hailey in the driver’s seat, black tears streaming down her face. Black like oil.
Me screaming from the passenger seat, wanting to reach out to her, to get her to stop. But my body was pressed back against the seat of the car, my arms bound to my side, as if they had been tied with rope. Only there was no rope or other binding there. Just an intense pressure I couldn’t explain, as if a strong shadow were holding me down.
I screamed for her to stop as we approached the bridge, but she was calm. Resolved. She struggled to keep her eyes open. They kept drooping as if she were about to fall asleep, but then she forced them open again.
I looked forward as the car raced onto the wooden bridge.
We were not alone.
A dark figure stood in the center of the abandoned bridge, more like a shadow than a real person. At first, I thought we were going to hit it, but just before we reached the figure, its arm shot out to the right, pointing toward the railing.
Hailey turned to me then, her eyes black when they should have been blue.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
She jerked the steering wheel sharply to the right just as we reached the place where the dark figure had stood.
As if she had been following its directions.
Or its orders.
The memory of the crash jolted me back to reality, but I fought to hold onto it, my knees nearly buckling under the force of my determination.
“Please,” I whispered.
I closed my eyes harder, needing to see more. Needing to understand.
The dark figure from my dreams had been real. Someone had done this to us. Someone else had been here that night. And they had forced Hailey off the bridge. I didn’t understand how it was possible, but I knew it in the darkest part of myself.
Jump.
The voice within me growled the command, and my eyes snapped open. Carefully, I looked around, half-expecting to see the dark figure standing there on the bridge.
End it all now. Jump. Or I will make you jump.
I shook my head, not wanting to listen, but not knowing how to shut it out.
Do it, Marayah. Now.
The voice inside my head pushed into my thoughts, its commands taking control of my body. My fingers loosened their grip on the twisted railing and my boots slipped slightly from their hold on the wood beneath my feet.
A dark shadow slithered around my boots, its weight pulling me down.
“No,” I shouted, but I had no control over my own body. I was going to fall.
Terror blossomed from my chest, spreading out across my limbs. I should never have come here.
Darkness wrapped around me, and even though I couldn’t bring myself to look, I was certain that this time, there was someone standing right behind me.
Goodbye, Marayah.
I looked down into the water.
Then, unable to fight any longer, I let go.
27
My Darkest Secrets
For one brief moment, I was falling. I could almost feel the cold mountain water on my face.
But an arm snaked around my body and yanked me backward over the railing.
I struggled against the stranger until he finally released me. I stumbled backward and fell hard on my butt, coughing to try to catch my breath. I scrambled back, kicking with my boots, sure that if I looked up, I would see the dark figure from that night.
“What were you thinking? You could have died.”
I glanced up at him, not sure who I was expecting. But I never would have expected him.
“You?” I asked, blinking, hardly believing he was real. “What are you doing out here?”
Jordan Greycloud towered over me, his dark hair loose and flowing in the wind. His face was all hard lines and anger, and his chest rose and fell with each labored breath.
“Saving your life, apparently,” he said.
“Did you follow me out here? Are you the one who’s been watching me?” I asked.
He narrowed his gaze. “Are you seriously giving me attitude right now?” He pointed to the twisted railing. “I just pulled you to safety and you’re yelling at me for following you?”
I straightened, wincing at the fresh pain in my wounded hand as it ripped free of the fabric of my jeans. A dark blood stain had blossomed onto the denim.
“Maybe I didn’t want to be saved,” I said. Which wasn’t exactly true. I didn’t know what was true anymore.
“Maybe that’s not your choice right now,” he mumbled,
turning away and running a trembling hand through his hair.
I studied him. This guy actually seemed to care if I lived or died. How did that make sense? He hadn’t spoken to me since the day I chased him down after pictures.
Why did he care what happened to me?
“Who are you?” I asked.
“My name is Jordan—”
“I know your name,” I said, standing. “I want to know who you really are and why you’re out here in the middle of the night watching me.”
He shook his head and looked out into the trees, as if he could see much farther than the darkness of the woods ahead.
“You’re connected to all of this, aren’t you?” I asked.
“All of what?” His eyes cut back to me, as if he were sizing me up. Trying to figure out how much I knew.
“You know exactly what,” I said. I knew I couldn’t trust him, but at this point, I had no choice but to start talking. I’d almost killed myself because of some dark voice in my head. I needed answers, or the next time I might not be as lucky.
“Look, I know there’s something more going on here than just some car accident,” I said. “And I have a pretty good feeling you know exactly what I’m talking about. I need to know what you know and why you care so much whether or not I decide to take a swim in the river.”
He let out a half-laugh, half-sigh and almost smiled. “A swim? Is that what you’re calling it? Because it looked like a death-wish to me.”
I shrugged, trying to act casual even though my entire body was trembling. I couldn’t tell him about the voice. Not yet. He would think I was crazy.
“Just answer the questions,” I said. I needed to know how he was connected to the man in my dreams. If the dark figure on the bridge that night was real, maybe he was, too. “Were you here that night? Did you see what happened?”
His face tensed, and he looked deep into my eyes. He stepped forward, so close I could feel the warmth of his body.
“Why would you think that?”
I froze. We weren’t going to get anywhere just tossing questions back and forth with no answers. If I expected him to give me answers, I would have to start offering up some of my own.
