She turns a bright shade of red, but instead of defending us and our relationship, instead of taking my side, she says the worst thing she could to me right now.
“I don’t know what we are right now,” she says more to me than to him as she looks me in the eyes, daring me to say another word. When I’m quiet, she turns to him.
“I’m sorry for the interruption, Jacob.”
“Jake, you can call me Jake,” he says to her and doesn’t even bother to look at me. The awkward tension heats.
“I’ll touch base with you after I get the schedule drawn up, and make sure you get me those summaries as soon as you’re able to.”
Jake nods his head at Kat and then looks at me to say, “Nice to meet you.” He doesn’t take his time leaving, not with the rain now coming down in sheets.
“You don’t know what we are?” I ask her, feeling the rage wane as the sound of the door closing and the battering of the rain quiets again.
“When you make an ass out of yourself in front of a client, what do you expect me to do?” she hisses.
The rain gets harder and louder as we stand off to the side of the entrance. I take a look around and there are only two other people in the entire place. Both of them women who look like they’re on a lunch break, dressed for office jobs. One on each side of the room, both of them on their phones and one with headphones in her ears.
“We can wait it out. Get a cup of coffee?” I ask her.
At first Kat looks up at me like I’m crazy. Maybe I am.
“And do what?” she asks. “Play let’s-keep-a-secret and hide-away-for-days?”
I ignore her brutal tone and take a chance, wrapping my arm around her waist.
She jumps back for a second, but only because I’m soaking wet.
I chuckle at her response, deep and rough and it makes her smile. She’s quick to hide it, but it’s there.
“I know you’re mad at me,” I tell her softly. “I don’t want to make you angry, Kat. I love you, and I’m trying.”
The trace of all humor fades and she peeks up at me and whispers, “I wish you wouldn’t.”
I brush the hair from her face and smile down at her as I tell her, “I’ll never stop fighting for you.”
At my words, she pushes away from me and says, “Then let’s talk until the rain lets up.” She looks over her shoulder and out of the window, as if checking to see if our time is already up.
We head to the back corner of the shop. The rest of the seating in the place is all high-top tables and bar-height seats, but in the corner is an L-shaped booth. The same shiny white tabletop, but the seating is for customers who want to spend a while in here and that’s what I need with her right now, more time.
She doesn’t look at me as she tosses her purse into the booth and then fishes out her wallet.
“You like him?” I ask her, feeling small pieces of my heart crumble off. Kat’s eyes narrow as she huffs out a breath of frustration.
“Knock it off,” she tells me and I feel torn. I saw the look in her eyes. She’s a natural flirt and so am I, but I know she liked the attention more than she should. She felt comfortable with it.
“I don’t like him.”
“Good to know,” she answers me immediately, crossing her arms as she walks toward the counter to order something.
I follow her, like a lost fucking puppy. It’s quiet between us, but the tension is thick as she orders a coffee or whatever the hell it is. The blood is pounding so hard in my ears, I can’t hear a damn thing.
“I mean it, he wants you, Kat,” I tell her and then nearly flinch from the look in her eyes. “I don’t want anyone else’s hands on you.”
“It was innocent.”
“The fuck it was,” I bite back instantly. I don’t give her a chance to speak.
“You can’t look me in the eyes and tell me you didn’t like it.” The air between us turns hot instantly.
“He’s a client,” she says beneath her breath. My eyes dart from her to the man behind the counter. As soon as I look at him, he averts his eyes, pretending like he didn’t just hear the venom in Kat’s voice.
“Client or not,” I say, standing my ground but all it does is wind Kat up more.
“I’m not the one keeping secrets and lying, I’m not the one who’s breaking up this marriage,” she says much lower, so much so that it sounds like it was hard for her to even get the words out.
“Stop it,” I tell her and grip her hip as she tries to walk past me, back to the booth and undoubtedly to get her stuff and leave.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper in her ear and hold her closer to me. I splay my hand on her lower back, feeling the tension in her body slowly leave her.
I could fight this, but it’s not worth it to upset her. I wait, giving her a moment to calm down and forget about that asshole. For now.
I say a silent prayer when she walks back to the table.
I sit back in the seat, watching the steam rise from her cup as she slips the lid off and grabs a packet of sugar from the center of the table.
The packet makes a flapping sound as she shakes it back and forth between her forefinger and thumb to get the sugar down. The motion is forceful and she stares at it as she does it, before finally ripping it open and dumping the sugar into the cup.
“I don’t tell you everything.” The words slip out as the need to win her back takes over everything else.
She’s still for a moment, waiting for more.
“It’s not like I do anything that’s … that I want to hide from you. You know what it’s like when I go to work.”
“I know,” Kat says with zero trace of a fight in her voice. “I remember.”
“I loved it when you came out with me. You know that, right?”
She finally looks up at me, but only for a moment before she nods her head then slips on the cap to her coffee cup.
“I don’t have time for that kind of … stuff anymore.”
I love that her mind immediately went to the thought of me asking her to come with me. At the beginning of this year, that’s all I wanted from her. So we could spend more time together and I could show her off. But the answer was always no, so I just stopped asking. My heart thumps hard in my chest, remembering how we got into a fight over it a few months back.
“I gave my notice,” I tell her and her eyes fly to mine, looking accusing more than anything. “Because you wanted me to,” I say the words as if they’re the truth and for a moment it feels like they are. But then I remember that’s not the reason. I remember what happened. I remember everything in a flood and I have to turn away to breathe in deep and focus on keeping Kat. That’s the only thing I care about while everything else collapses around me.
“I just regret a lot of the things I’ve done this year and maybe for a while now-”
“For a while?” Kat repeats and her eyes reflect the pain that’s in her voice.
“I didn’t cheat on you, Kat,” I say immediately. “It’s not what you think,” I tell her and feel like a liar. Because I am one. “I told you, you’re the only one for me.”
Before I can say anything else, she shakes her head and that false smile mars her face. “I don’t know what you did. But I don’t want to know anymore,” she says quietly, staring at the cup in her hands before looking back up at me. “We’re different people and I think it was only a matter of time before something like this …” her voice cracks, but she doesn’t cry. She simply looks away.
My heartbeat slows. So slow that it’s painful.
“Where are you sleeping tonight?” Kat asks me and I have to swallow the spiked lump deep down in my throat before I can answer.
“You don’t want me to come home?”
“It would be easier if you didn’t.”
“Easier for what?” I ask her.
“Easier for the breakup, Evan.” Her lips part and then she wavers to add, “It’s not about love anymore or about what we had. It’s about trust and what we’ve be
come. I need a fresh start and a life I’m proud of. And I don’t think it includes you in it.”
“It does,” I answer her instantly. “And I want the same.”
She stares back at me with an expression that shows how vulnerable she is. How much she wants to believe what I’m telling her.
I take her hand in mine and tell her, “I’ll do whatever you want, so long as when it’s all said and done I get to keep you.”
I stare in her eyes knowing I’ve never said anything more truthful, but also knowing that’s not how this story will end.
Chapter 17
Kat
Makeup kisses taste so sweet,
Lost in lust and succumbed to the heat.
Your soft moan makes me forget,
I ignore the anger, the sadness, the threat.
The bed groans and dips as I turn back onto my right shoulder, pushing the pillow between my knees and trying to sleep.
I’ve been alone all my life. Until Evan, anyway. When he first started sleeping over, it was hard to fall asleep. Unless he fucked me to the point of exhaustion, which was often.
You’d think it’d be easy going back to being alone. I was a pro at it for years and worse yet, I was proud of it. The train goes by and the sound cuts through the white noise of the city. The windows are closed, but I still hear it. I can even feel the rumble and vibrations as I try to lie still on the bed. And that’s when I get a whiff of Evan’s scent. When I’m alone, missing him, I sleep on his side of the bed. It’s easiest the first night he’s gone. It smells just like him. Each day it gets a little harder and working late nights gets more appealing. But even the masculine scent that drifts toward me as I inch my head closer to his pillow isn’t enough to comfort me. And why would it? I’m losing him and everything we had.
I toss the heavy comforter off my body and sit up, wiping the sleep from my eyes and dangling my feet over the side of the bed. It’s nearly 1 a.m. and pitch black in the room. I should be sleeping, considering the fatigue plaguing my body and conscious it should come easy.
My fingers run through my long hair, separating it and braiding it loosely before I take a sip of water from the glass on the nightstand. If I get up and start working, I know I won’t sleep at all tonight. The very thought makes my heart thump harder. Work is killing me, lack of sleep is destroying me. But both are because I’m completely and utterly alone.
Just breathe. I let my head fall back and slowly creep back under the covers. All I need to do is breathe.
But that hope is short-lived as I hear Evan climb the stairs. I had one condition to him coming home, and that was leaving me the bedroom. Which he said he wasn’t going to do, and that offer went off the table.
Even if it hurts me, I’d rather feel pain in his absence than a fraction of that pain in his presence.
I close my eyes as I hear the door open. For a moment I think I should pretend to be asleep. But I don’t want any more lies in our relationship. Whatever our relationship even is now.
“I thought you were going to your dad’s? Or a hotel?” I ask him and then hold my breath. I should want him to leave. That’s what a sane woman who’s getting a divorce should want. But there isn’t an ounce of me that wants to see him walk out that door.
“I was going to,” Evan says and then slips his shirt off over his head. He keeps his eyes on me, daring me to say something, but my eyes focus on his broad chest.
In five years his body has changed, as has mine. But he’s still lean and muscular. My body heats and my thighs scissor slightly, but I play it off, turning my back to him to lie on my left shoulder.
“Is that alright?” he asks me, his voice carrying through the dark night and cutting me down to my deepest insecurity. It’s not alright and nothing about this situation is. But those aren’t the words that come out of my mouth.
My eyes squeeze shut tight and I give in to what I want, slowly moving my body towards his. Wouldn’t it be a lie to deny it?
“I’m afraid I’ll like it too much if you stay,” I tell him with my eyes closed as the bed dips. I don’t watch him as I lay out all the bare truth. “I’m afraid I’ll forgive you and I’ll forget why we shouldn’t be married.” My breath comes in staggered hiccups. All the words pouring out from deep down in my soul and leaving my lips in a rush.
A rough sound comes from deep in his throat as the bed dips. “You don’t know what you want, Kat,” Evan tells me although the confidence is missing. “You want me to leave because you’re afraid. You won’t fight for me to stay because you know I will regardless of what you say, isn’t that right?”
My brow furrows as I take in his words. I can see his eyes in the dark room, staring deep into mine as he climbs closer to me, making the bed shift beneath my still body. He stares at me as if I’m his prey and that’s just how I feel. “No. I want you to leave because we’re leading different lives.” I have to second-guess my words.
“Then let’s get back on track. Let’s start over,” he whispers and then leans closer to me. As if checking his boundaries as he rests his hand on the pillow above my head. I don’t push him away, but I don’t move toward him either.
I’m fucked no matter what I do.
I feel empty and hollow. All the sadness and regret has been shed from me, leaving nothing behind but faint memories of what we had and the hint of all the hopes and dreams I had so long ago to make my heart flutter. As I close my eyes and swallow the lump in my throat, Evan lies next to me, gently resting his hand on my hip. He’s silent but I can hear his steady breath and that smell. I inhale deeper. God, what that smell does to me. My head dips further into the pillow as I readjust under the covers and when I do, Evan lifts his hand slightly. Waiting to see which way I’ll turn.
And I turn toward him.
“You make me a stupid woman,” I tell him as my eyes slowly open. His hazel eyes are so clear at this angle. Maybe it’s the moon creeping in from the slit between the curtains. Or maybe something else.
He smirks at me, although there’s a sadness in his smile as he brushes my hair from my face.
“Tell me you’ll stay with me.”
“Tell me why I shouldn’t,” I say back instantly and the soft look of longing in his eyes fades away and the soothing motion of his thumb rubbing along my temple falters. My eyes drop to his chest and my heart drops to the pit of my stomach. “You said you didn’t cheat,” I tell him, but mostly I make a promise to myself. “So I believe you.”
“Thank you,” he says so softly beneath his breath I hardly hear him. His shoulders sag slightly and it makes the bed creak with relief.
I want to say more. I want to make some sort of demand or ultimatum ... or ask why he was there. Why he lied to the world. But instead I curl into him.
“Don’t leave me,” he gives me the request and wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer to him, closer to his scent, his warmth, to the man I’ve been desperate to be with for so damn long.
“I won’t promise you that,” I tell him with my eyes open, staring at a small scar on his left shoulder. I lift my hand up and let my fingers play along it. “You’re right that I don’t know what I want. So we’ll just have to find out.”
He’s quiet for a long time. And part of my heart, a very large part of it aches. It’s a horrible feeling and it makes my eyes sting. But I won’t mourn what I’m not even sure I’ve lost yet. It’s just the threat of ending something I’ve valued so dearly and for so long that hurts.
My shoulders shake slightly as I take in a shuddering breath, and that’s when he cups my chin and forces me to look at him.
“You know I love you,” he says with a ragged breath. “More than anything, anything in the world,” he says as he shakes his head.
I sniffle and try to ignore how the pain grows. “I do,” I tell him and then try to hide my face, but his grip on my chin is too strong and I can only close my eyes, feeling the smallest bit of tears that threaten to spill over soak into my lashes.
&nbs
p; “Don’t cry, Kat,” Evan whispers as he rests his forehead against mine. “I love you, and that’s all that matters.” For some reason it seems so obvious to me in this moment that those words were more for him than they were for me. My eyes open to see his closed. To see the pain there. To see how desperate he is.
And that’s what I can blame it on. It’s my undoing.
It always has been. He needs me, and I crave it.
“Kiss me-” Before I can get the command off my lips, his are on mine. Devouring me and taking every little piece I’m willing to give. And I crumble underneath him. My hands fly to his hair as he deepens the kiss. The air turns hotter as my skin heats and our breathing quickens.
“Kat,” he barely breaks away from me to whisper my name and then presses his lips harder against mine as he grabs my hips and pulls me toward him.
My gasp is muted as his tongue dives into my mouth. My back arches and my breasts push against his hard chest as he climbs on top of me.
Every second I’m acutely aware that I’m falling backward. It pains my heart as I pull away from him, digging my head into the pillow to feel the cool air. But I can’t stop this. I never could. He nips along my neck and my pussy clenches with need as my legs wrap around his waist.
My heels dig into his ass while I close my eyes tight and let my body do what it wants. It’s only ever wanted him. And I won’t deny my needs.
Not when he worships my body like this, kissing his way down my body as he strips the clothes from me. The only sound is our breathing as I cautiously open my eyes to watch.
His fingertips brush against my skin as he takes off the last piece and stares at my glistening sex.
“So fucking wet for me.” He says the words out loud, although I don’t think they were for me. Another time, I’d blush. But there’s no shame or embarrassment right now. It’s desperation.
He parts from his clothes faster than I can steady my breath. The moonlight casts shadows on his chiseled chest and makes my clit throb with need. My eyes are drawn to his hands as he strokes his length. And then he does it again and I can’t help how my lips part with desire and my legs spread wider. My body’s ready, willing and aching for him to take me.
[Sins and Secrets 01.0] Damaged Page 10
