I heard voices ahead, growing more distant. They had all come and now they were leaving! The spell had worked! I wasn’t ready for them to go. I began to race after them. I shouted, “Ri—” Over my mouth, a hand clamped—a rough, cold, spindly hand. My head throbbed with my heartbeat.
I was dragged back through the trees, across my yard, into my brightly lit house. I was shoved. My scarf fell off my head when my hip and hands smacked the blue carpet. johnny loomed above me, a coal black human-beast, appearing as a man and a dragon melded together. He was a dragonman. His clothes were gone, revealing his scaly hide of ripple and thorn.
His once handsome face had transformed into rows of rigid wrinkles, large bloodshot eyes, protruding snout, and sharp fangs hanging over bloody lips. I had only seen him like that in darkness, and never, never in the light. His rough, low voice delivered slow, deep, words filled with giant rage. “You . . . interrupted . . . my . . . feed. You court danger—” A drool of blood fell from his mouth to the carpet, “—forcing me to regulate you after I have changed. Did you not learn from the last time?”
I thought about the night I found the parchment of his legacy. Yes, I guess he’d come back to regulate me then too.
I heard what sounded like hissing. I threw my arm up over my eyes, for he knew what I had done. I feared he’d blast me with white-hot flames and finish his feed on me.
When I heard only silence, I lowered my arm. He had turned away. He stood there a long time, his body shaking, as if repressing urges that would mean the end of me.
I took the opportunity to crawl toward the stairway, hoping to get up into my fairy tale bedroom. I knew I might have to use my light against him, though that prospect frightened me greatly. Plus, I couldn’t bear to watch him suffer. I hoped it wouldn’t come to that. I hoped he loved me enough to forgive me, and liked me enough to keep me alive.
Lightning flashed bright through the family room window, and I hoped it didn’t break johnny’s concentration to repress his urges. As I crawled up the first stair, I peeked back to see if he had turned around. He had. I shrank back, intimidated by his predacious stare. I was afraid to move.
Thunder rumbled outside as he approached me, chanting,
“They call us the destroyers.
They blame us for their woe.
They never understand.
We reap the seed they sow.”
I crawled backwards up one stair.
He snatched my upper arm, inflicting needle-like pain. He yanked me up off the stair and shoved me ahead of him down the hall toward my Dark Room.
I faced him, walking backwards fast to keep him from mowing me over. “You have said this chant before, johnny. Why do you say it, and why do you say it now?”
His eyes whirled, turning red.
“They call us diabolic
as if life itself was not,
Volcanoes erupt, bombs erupt, babes erupt
in the blood of their mother’s sacrificial pain.
Everyone dies.
Everyone lies.
We gain what we lose; we lose what we gain.”
He shoved me into my Dark Room. I almost fell. I receded to the far corner, parallel the door.
He came at me.
“They call us the destroyers
They blame us for their woe
They never understand
We reap the seeds they sow.”
The house went dark and the six fat black candles on my window sill lit. “Atmosphere,” he said.
I stood there in the shadows with shaking knees and shallow breath.
He approached me slowly, the smell of blood filling the room. He was the dark deep of unknown waters, and no one’s forgone conclusion—ever. He was unpredictable—always, like a wild wolf you’d thought you’d tamed, but then one day the wildness returns, overriding humanity. Would I survive his cruel game? Dalliances of tomorrow flashed in my mind of johnny loving me again. But no, he stood before me, his soul aflame, promising me no future.
His face slanted down toward mine in the flickering candlelight, round pupils reflecting clear miniature volcanoes, as if they lived in his eyes. His breath reeked of burning flesh as he spoke.
“They say that we are demons,
But we cannot come unless they call.
The martyr and the mad man,
and the sad man, call us, all.”
I gulped and lowered my eyes.
He grabbed my hair and jerked it back, forcing me to face him. Lightning flashed beyond the curtained bedroom window. And for one horrid moment, johnny’s monster face was illuminated in a hideous yellow glow.
“They call us the destroyers
they blame us for their woe
they never understand
we reap the seeds they sow.”
“johnny,” I said carefully, “you’re hurting me.”
He replied, “You reap the seeds you sow.”
“Please, let me go.”
“Never.”
Breathy whimpers erupted with my shallow breath. “Please.”
Thunder rumbled, long and low, as if johnny himself were growling. The sinister set in his eye left no room for compromise. johnny always won. Always. He was going to take me . . . body and soul. I knew it. He released my hair and slipped his spindly hands up under my cashmere sweater, higher, higher, taking the thick button down sweater up with it, until they were both over my head. He tossed the garments to the floor. I crossed my arms over my bare breasts as a brilliant lightning flash filled the room.
He yanked my arms open, spread eagle. “I’ve seen you before. I want to look at you one last time.”
“Oh johnny,” I whimpered with trembling breath, “I can’t believe you are doing this to me.”
Thunder bellowed. So did he. “You call for suffering like a martyr addicted to pain, driven to repent for the grave sins you didn’t commit. It’s the Godly thing to do, right? I will answer your call. It’s what I do.”
I shook my head, tears dripping. “I don’t want pain.”
His grip on my forearms tightened. I couldn’t feel my hands. “Deep down . . . you do. You beg for it.”
My throat ached with liquid sorrow. This is how he killed. Tonight, I would die.
He smiled wickedly and released my arms.
I tried to lunge past him. That seemed foolish perhaps, but one never truly knows what will work. What’s that they say, ‘God works in mysterious ways.’ Not for me, I guess. Not for me.
He grabbed my waist and forced me down on the carpet. He harnessed my legs and yanked off my boots.
I sat up, smashing my arms against my chest, trying to kick my legs free. “johnny. Don’t do this. Let’s talk!”
He yanked my jeans and underwear hard down my legs, forcing my back to slam against the black carpet. He flung the garments across the room. I sat up again and tried to edge away, feeling even more vulnerable now that I was naked. He circled behind me and curled his reptilian arm around my stomach lifting my feet off the floor. He carted me across the room and tossed me roughly on the bed. I bunched myself up in the corner by the top of the velvet comforter. Dare I use my light against him?
“You would, wouldn’t you?” he said. “If you should consider it again, I’ll make you suffer tenfold.”
I covered my eyes with my hands, as if that would make everything go away. But it never does. He reached over me and ripped the chain with iron cuffs off the wall above my head. The sharp hook that had held it fell by my cheek.
He jerked my feet brutally, drawing me out from my curled position, flat on my back, landing me diagonally on the bed. Lightning flickered sheets of yellow-white. He grabbed my hands and harnessed my wrists in the cuffs. Then he pushed my bound hands over my head, binding me to the swirling black sideboard with the chain. Thunder boomed, assaulting my ears.
“I thought you loved me!” I sobbed, “cared for me, no matter what.”
Tendrils of white flame lapped around his mouth. “There is no love.�
�
“There is johnny,” I gasped, “there is!”
He hovered over me. “And since you insist on being a victim, you’ll be mine. I resist no more the urge to play with your blood. I will take you as I have other women who have called for me, but I’ll savor you longer—taste you more.”
I pulled my arms against the chains. “johnny, don’t do this!”
He added coldly, “I will retain your spirit long. It might be centuries before I find another Shen. I waited nearly two and half centuries for you.”
“johnny!” I cried out in a desperate whisper, “I gave you my heart!”
“And now I will take it apart.” His mocking laugh lacerated my self-worth, rupturing my belief in anything divine.
Lightning hit so hard, the room flashed blindingly bright too many times, paining my eyes. Thunder ripped long and loud, deafening my thoughts. I heard fire engines outside . . . and helicopters, but no rain. I smelled smoke. Was johnny responsible? Had he enflamed the woods? What’s that they say, ‘Hell has no fury like a Tazmark scorned,’ or was that a woman?
His eyes flared in the eerie candlelight.
“Oh Blessed Saints!”
“Fuck the Blessed Saints.”
“johnny!”
He pinched my cheeks with his powerful claw-like fingers. “I am your saint, you thick-headed zealot.” His teeth clenched harder. “Can’t you see how much I’ve sacrificed for you? I should put out your eyes, for they do you no good. You are a hopeless, sanctimonious victim: a Shen so faded that she lives in lies to survive, unable to give the only redeeming gift she has to offer—unconditional love. You are weak and irrelevant, just as you’ve always believed.”
Lightning flickered on his monster face with all the ambience of a horror movie. His long needle-sharp fangs hung over his bottom lip. A long roll of thunder deafened my ears. I could not even hear the pretty lies I wanted to tell myself. I concurred with johnny. I was weak and irrelevant. Degradation from lifetimes of sexual abuse fed on me like cancer. johnny had been healing me, and for the first time since my parents died, I felt like I mattered. But I didn’t. I did not matter. That I thought I did, was the lie.
johnny’s snout touched my cheek as if he might kiss me, but he blew hot steam, and my skin felt badly sunburned. His sadistic tone burrowed into my heart. “You don’t matter.”
My face bunched in pain; hot tears slipped down my temples. I grieved the loss of me that I had begun to know. I grieved the loss of my God. And I grieved the loss of johnny and the hope of any fairy tale love between us. I had lost everything, and now I would lose my life.
When the thunder subsided, I whispered faintly, “Maybe I don’t matter, but you did. You mattered to me, and through the dark veil of your bestial nature, I saw beauty in you—exquisite beauty. I did love you, johnny, I did!” I gasped, “I gave you my heart!”
“But not your trust. What good is your heart without the fiber of trust?” He took one long curved fingernail, a claw really, to the side of my neck, puncturing skin.
I gasped, high-pitched. Trying not to cry, I tightened my face, still keeping an eye on him, enduring pain far worse than any needle that had ever pierced me. His puncturing nail traveled from my neck over my heart to my abdomen, scraping skin, crimson liquid billowing in its wake. He moaned with pleasure, his eyes absorbed in his act.
A long lizard-like tongue emerged from his mouth, touching the blood on my stomach. He licked upward along the trail he’d made until he reached the side of my neck.
My body contracted. His fangs had sunk into my neck, maybe not all the way, but inducing harrowing pain nonetheless. I tried hard not to scream, cry, or even whimper. I somehow knew that I must be very, very still—and very, very quiet. Silent whimpers rolled around in the top of my head. Against my will, high-pitched broken tones escaped my mouth. My body trembled violently. I had to still myself. I was afraid that movement would incite him to deepen the bite. But the bite deepened anyway.
I heard a slurping sound. Was he sucking blood? Oh Blessed Saints, was he a vampire after all? Was he going to drink me first, then eat me later?
He withdrew his fangs and lifted his head, dripping blood on my shoulder. “Perhaps I’m infecting you with Tazmark venom to turn you into a Tazmark! Into a killer!” He laughed.
His acid laughter ignited my temper. “I hate you! If you’re going to kill me, just do it!”
“In time little girl, in time.”
He drew his leg over my hips and straddled me, his body heavy with fowl lust.
“No, johnny. Don’t!”
“You have brought this upon yourself, Shen. You want hell? Welcome to my world.”
He knocked my face with the back of his hand, hurling my head to the side, landing my cheek on the damn hook. A sharp pain shot to my ear, lingering there, excruciating. I lifted my cheek from the hook. Blood dripped out of my nose, filled my mouth, and dripped back to my throat. I choked. Turning my head, I coughed blood out onto the bed.
However could I have believed that a man as dangerous as johnny wouldn’t hurt me? Scenes of our time together blinked in my mind, whirling into one dizzying circle.
“You betrayed me,” johnny said. A sort of gentle pain came through his vicious tone. “You betrayed me.”
And I did. I knew I did. “It’s the religion.” My voice seemed lost in my weighted breath, faint and strained for the force with which I was speaking, “It’s just so strong in me. That’s all.” I coughed out more blood. “I have worn your symbol, instead of the crucifix. Doesn’t that count for something?”
“Not anymore.” He hissed white flames around the parameters of my face. I squeezed my eyes shut, the heat stinging my skin and singeing my hair. A putrid smell filled the room.
His slick oily body thumped down upon me like some animal stud, shoving his male organ into me. I couldn’t breathe for a moment. And I wished not to breathe again. Degradation won.
I sank into a dark well of despair, hope dying. But before I hit bottom, I began thrashing to get out. I wanted worth. I wanted life. I wanted dignity! I didn’t want to perish in this life as I had in all the others, not again, oh please, not again, and especially not at the hand of johnny—my first real love. Not johnny. Not johnny. I snapped my head from side to side, coughing up blood, swallowing it, rolling my cheeks in it, silent words screaming in my head. Not johnny! Not johnny! Not johnny!
My eyes flew open, bulging desperately; my neck stretched up toward johnny’s face, my thoughts blaring, Love me, johnny! I sucked his essence into me. Save me. johnny! My soft voice came out almost as a whisper, yet intense as the quiet before the hurricane. “Save me, johnny. Please, please save me.”
He lifted his body, his male organ falling out of me; his knees touched my hips. He threw his head back, hair flying, and roared, a roar weighted with pain. He fell forward, landing his hands on either side of my head. He breathed hard. I thought a tear dripped on my chin, or was it blood? It felt lighter than blood.
Melancholy weighted his low voice. “You are too lost to see how I have tried to bring you home. You are too distrustful to believe that I could be committed to you. You are too unwilling to accept me as I am. I accepted you. I wanted to help you fly. But you won’t let that happen. You won’t let go of your old ways, and brainwashed thoughts, and ancient suffering. As you cling to them, you throw me away. I dared to believe you could love one like me—an ill-bred fantasy of mine. I dream it—no more.”
He reached to the headboard. The chains fell around my face, and the cuffs opened, freeing my hands. And before my eyes, he faded slowly until he disappeared.
I rose slowly, my body aching with the wounds he’d inflicted. I wanted to heal myself, but not yet, not until I was sure he was really gone. And even though I wished it so, I was deeply sad that johnny and I were over. His last words had broken my heart.
I walked slowly across the room and flipped on the light that johnny had magically turned off. He seemed very gone, but that
didn’t always mean he was gone. Unsure, I dressed cautiously.
I crept outside the door, wiping a drip of blood off my chin. I yanked the medallion off me and tossed it across the room onto the bed. I closed the door, retrieved my keys, and returned, securing lock one, lock two, lock three. Locked forever more. I’d throw away the keys. Throw away the memories. I was through with men, human or not, forever.
I walked warily down the hall, trembling, and barely breathing. johnny’s last sad words echoed in my mind. I dared to believe you could love a creature like me . . . an ill-bred fantasy of mine. I dream it—no more.
Okay, he had a heart. Even so, he was undeniably dangerous to me. I flipped on the lights as I walked through the house, afraid he might pop up before me. I looked in every room. He was gone. I felt him gone. But for how long? Would he be back to reconcile?
I went upstairs into my fairy tale bedroom and withdrew my crucifix from my end table drawer. I fastened it around my neck and prayed to the Blessed Saints the old-fashioned way. And I prayed for God to take me back into His fold. Then I took a world record shower. Even when the hot water ran cold, I couldn’t feel the chill. I couldn’t feel anything. I was numb.
I layered myself in white clothing and blocked you know who, from my mind. I spread the remaining LSD all around my house, mixing it with my blood as you know who had taught me, concentrating on keeping him away. I didn’t like using his own magic against him, but he was probably immune to it anyway.
I began to fight for myself for the first time ever, fighting for my life, fighting for my soul. What’s that they say, ‘Come hell or high water.’ Well, hell had come for me and I refused to be taken.
The Mark of Chaos Page 25
