ARTHUR: Well yes, but where do we start? I don’t know. The Ultimate Answer so called is forty two, what’s the Question? How am I supposed to know? Could be anything, I mean, what’s six times seven?
ALL: Er . . . forty two.
ARTHUR: Yes I know that. I’m just saying the Question could be anything. How should I know?
FORD: Because you and Trillian are the last generation products of the Earth Computer matrix. You must know.
MARVIN: I know.
FORD: Shut up Marvin, this is organism talk.
MARVIN: It’s printed in the Earthman’s brainwave patterns, but I don’t suppose you’ll be very interested in knowing that.
ARTHUR: You mean you can see into my mind?
MARVIN: Yes.
ARTHUR: And?
MARVIN: It amazes me how you manage to live in anything that small.
ARTHUR: Ah, abuse.
MARVIN: Yes.
ZAPHOD: Ah ignore him, he’s only making it up.
MARVIN: Making it up? Why should I want to make anything up? Life’s bad enough as it is without wanting to invent any more of it.
TRILLIAN: Marvin, if you knew what it was all along, why didn’t you tell us?
MARVIN: You didn’t ask.
FORD: Well we’re asking you now metalman, what’s the question?
MARVIN: The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything?
ALL: Yes.
MARVIN: To which the answer is forty two?
ALL: Yes, come on!
MARVIN: I can tell that you’re not really interested.
FORD: Will you just tell us you motorised maniac!
F/X: AT THAT MOMENT THE ENGINE NOTE SUDDENLY CHANGES RADICALLY
ARTHUR: Hey look, the control panel’s lighting up, we must have arrived.
ZAPHOD: Hey, yeah, we’ve zapped back into real space.
MARVIN: I knew you weren’t really interested.
FORD: The controls won’t respond. It’s still going its own way . . . isn’t there any way we can introduce this ship to the concept of democracy?
TRILLIAN: Can we at least find out where we are?
ARTHUR: The vision screens are all blank, can’t we turn them on?
FORD: They are on.
ARTHUR: Why can’t we see any stars?
ZAPHOD: Hey, you know I think we must be outside the Galaxy . . .
FORD: We’re picking up speed . . . We’re heading out into Intergalactic space . . . Arthur, check out the rear screens will you?
TRILLIAN: I feel cold . . . all alone in this infinite void . . .
ARTHUR: Apart from the fleet of black battle cruisers behind us . . .
ZAPHOD: Er . . . which particular fleet of black battle cruisers is that, Earthman . . .?
ARTHUR: Oh, the ones on the rear screens, sorry, I thought you’d noticed them, there are about a hundred thousand. Is that wrong?
MARVIN: No, what do you expect if you steal the flagship of an admiral of the space fleet.
ZAPHOD: Marvin! What makes you think this is an admiral’s flagship?
MARVIN: I know it is. I parked it for him.
ZAPHOD: Then why the planet of hell didn’t you tell us?
MARVIN: You didn’t ask.
FORD: You know what we’ve done. We’ve dropped ourselves into the vanguard of a major intergalactic war.
NARRATOR: (Signature tune) Will our heroes ever have a chance to find out what the Ultimate Question is now?
Will they be too busy dealing with a hundred thousand horribly beweaponed battle cruisers to have a chance to have a sympathetic chat to Marvin, the Paranoid Android?
Will they eventually have to settle down and lead normal lives as account executives or management consultants?
Will life ever be the same again after next week’s last and reasonably exciting instalment of The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?
ANNOUNCER: If you would like a copy of the book The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy please write to Megadodo Publications, Megadodo House, Ursa Minor, enclosing £3.95 for the book plus five hundred and ninety seven billion eight hundred and twelve thousand four hundred and six pounds seven pence postage and packing.
FOOTNOTES
This show was recorded on 21 February 1978. For the last two shows of the first series Douglas was assisted by John Lloyd, subsequently the Producer of Not the Nine O’clock News, The Black Adder, Spitting Image and the Associate Producer of the Television series of Hitch-Hiker’s.
After I had finished four episodes of Hitch-Hiker’s, I had to break off to fulfil a commission to write four episodes of Doctor Who (The Pirate Planet). At the end of that stretch my writing muscles were so tired that even though I had a rough idea of what was supposed to be happening in the last two episodes, I had quite simply run out of words. Since John Lloyd nearly alway beat me at Scrabble I reckoned he must know lots more words than me and asked him if he would collaborate with me on the last couple of scripts. ‘Prehensile’, ‘anaconda’ and ‘ningi’ are just three of the thousands of words I would never have thought of myself. [DNA]
John generously plundered several ideas from a projected science fiction book of his own that he was writing at the time, provisionally called the GiGax. In particular it provided the basis for much of the definition of the Universe speech.
He refers to his work on the series as ‘garage work’, not because it was in any way like stripping down a carburettor and renewing the spark plugs but because he and Douglas used to write together in his garage. Thus garage work. John certainly helped to turn these into two of the most successful shows, though curiously one listener wrote to say he thought the language ‘got worse’ when John got involved. There doesn’t seem to be a scrap of evidence for this, but perhaps he had his own special interpretation of the phrase ‘Rap-Rod’? In fact the rudest word in the series (and one of the rudest words in the English language) occurs in episode 4, before John was involved.
For no good reason Garkbit was originally conceived as a French waiter but he was changed to an English waiter (probably also for no good reason). He was played as an impeccably upper class one by Anthony Sharp, who also doubled as Zarquon the Prophet.
Anyone who has been in the audience of a radio or television show will recognize the origins of Max Quordlepleen in the warm up man. He was played by comedian Roy Hudd, who we encouraged to do it wandering about with a hand held microphone (and lots of unpleasant feedback) on the stage of the Paris studio which he was used to seeing full for his show The News Huddlines, but was for now full of empty seats.
Just in case we needed it Roy also busked about five more minutes of Max Quordlepleen and ended up lying on the floor pleading with us to let him stop. Really, really keen eared listeners can probably hear some of this underneath the other scenes in the Restaurant.
Curiously Roy went straight from recording Max to do an interview for BBC World service quite unconnected with Hitch-Hiker’s, where he met Stephen Moore (also doing an interview quite unconnected with Hitch-Hiker’s). Roy said ‘I’ve just done this radio show where I never met any of the other actors and I didn’t understand what any of it was about.’ Stephen replied ‘Ah yes, I expect that’s the thing I’m in.’
In fact Stephen was no longer seeing any of the other actors himself because, although Marvin had been written back in, his own acting commitments meant that we were having to record his bits on a separate day and then drop them into the other scenes line by line. Curiously one BBC official who had been fulsome about the stereo merits of the programme complained that when he had listened to the tape in his office Marvin had completely disappeared off his left speaker. It turned out he’d been listening to the tape in half track mono.
The name Milliways was a corruption of Milky Way, and Douglas claimed that the idea of a restaurant at the end of the Universe was inspired by a Procul Harum song called ‘Grand Hotel’ which he wanted to run throughout the whole Milliways section. However, since the section was about twenty
minutes and the song about three, and since Douglas was unable to explain clearly what connection it actually had with Milliways this idea was abandoned with no subsequent loss to anyone (except Procul Harum who lost twenty minutes of potential royalties).
The zylbatburger scene (largely cut in the transmitted version) was later amplified by the addition of the Dish of the Day scene written for the record and incorporated into the TV show.
The voice treatment of Zarquon was not in fact electronic but was made simply by putting several pieces of sticky tape round the capstan head of a tape recorder so the tape juddered when it went round and made the voice go wobbly.
The end of the Universe effect was another conglomeration of whatever we had to hand, which included trumpeting elephants, twanging rulers and water running down a plughole in the toilet of the Paris studio.
Several listeners attempted to pay the five hundred and ninety seven billion eight hundred and twelve thousand four hundred and six pounds seven pence postage and packing on the Book by placing a penny in a Building Society and asking us to send our payment collectors through a time warp to collect the money when it had accumulated sufficient interest to pay for the Book. Having done this we would like to advise the people who made such deposits that their stock will be rendered worthless in the Intergalactic stock market collapse which takes place in three hundred thousand years time. We would therefore advise these people to remove their pennies before it is too late.
Music Details
Melodien by Ligeti
(Under the opening speech)
The Engulfed Cathederal from Snowflakes are Dancing by Iso Tomita
(Used behind the ‘If you’ve done six impossible things today’ speech)
Rainbow in Curved Air by Terry Riley
Wind and Water from Evening Star by Fripp and Eno
(Both used in the definition of the Universe speech)
FIT THE SIXTH
Will the Ultimate Question to Life, the Universe and Everything (to which the answer is forty two) be discovered?
Will our heroes be able to control their newly stolen spaceship and the enormous fleet of black battle cruisers that is following them?
Will all end happily or in the certain death that has threatened them so persistently?
GRAMS: NARRATOR BACKGROUND
NARRATOR The History of every major Galactic civilization has gone through three distinct and recognizable phases – those of survival, inquiry and sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. For instance the first phase is characterized by the question ‘How can we eat?’, the second by the question ‘Why do we eat?’ and the third by the question ‘Where shall we have lunch?’
The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, though here the phases are Retribution, Anticipation and Diplomacy – Thus Retribution: ‘I am going to kill you because you killed my brother’, Anticipation: ‘I am going to kill you because I killed your brother’, and Diplomacy: ‘I am going to kill my brother and then kill you on the pretext that your brother did it’.
Meanwhile, the Earthman Arthur Dent, to whom all this can be of only academic interest as his only brother was long ago nibbled to death by an okapi, is about to be plunged into a real intergalactic war. This is largely because the spaceship that he and his companions have inadvertently stolen from the Restaurant at the End of the Universe has now returned itself on autopilot to its rightful time and place. Its rightful time is immediately prior to a massive invasion of an entire alien galaxy, and its rightful place is at the head of a fleet of one hundred thousand black battle cruisers. This is why:
ARTHUR: You mean this ship we’ve stolen is the admiral’s flag-ship?
FORD: That’s the way it’s looking. Perhaps we should just ask them if they want it back. You know, if we were reasonably polite about it . . .
ZAPHOD: They might just let us off with being lightly killed.
FORD: Yeah. OK well it’s better than . . . er . . .
ZAPHOD: It isn’t better than anything at all, is it.
F/X: FLICKERING HUM RISING IN PITCH
FORD: That visiscreen’s beginning to flicker.
ZAPHOD: Fetid photons! It must be some guy wanting orders.
FORD: Well order him to go away. You’ll just have to bluff it out, Zaphod.
ZAPHOD: I’ll have to bluff it out?
FORD: Now sit down and do something . . .
ARTHUR: Say something . . .
TRILLIAN: Anything.
FORD: Don’t worry, we’ll be right behind you . . . hiding.
ZAPHOD: Ford, this is your idea, isn’t it?
FORD: Yeah, now sit down there and be a star.
ZAPHOD: When I am a star I’ll hire a better ideas man.
F/X: THE SCREEN COMES ALIVE WITH A PING
VOICE: (Hoarse and growly) Haggunenon, Underfleet commander reporting from vice flagship.
ZAPHOD: (Bright but uneasy) Oh, er, hi. . . Under Fleet commandant. I . . . er . . .
VOICE: Good evening admiral.
ZAPHOD: What?
VOICE: I trust you had a pleasant meal?
ZAPHOD: Er, what? Er, yeah, it was fine . . . er, thanks.
VOICE: Delighted to hear it sir. We are now in battle readiness state amber, deployed to your rear in line astride seven minutes from target galaxy and awaiting your orders.
ZAPHOD: Great, er fine, well, you know, keep in touch Under Fleet Commandant.
VOICE: Thank you, sir. Oh, and sir?
ZAPHOD: Er, yes?
VOICE: I like your outfit sir.
ZAPHOD: Oh, er, yeah, fine.
F/X: PING AS SCREEN GOES BLANK. IT DIES DOWN OVER A COUPLE OF SECONDS
(They all start to talk at once)
ZAPHOD: Hey, that’s just too weird.
ARTHUR: He actually thought you were the admiral.
TRILLIAN: That’s amazing Zaphod, you did it!
FORD: Cool, really cool Zaphod, actually pretending to be the admiral.
ZAPHOD: Yeah, yeah terrific, listen you dumb space cookie, I wasn’t pretending to be the admiral, for some reason he just assumed I was.
ARTHUR: Perhaps you look like him or something.
ZAPHOD: Yeah, well not if he looks anything like his second in command, monkeyman.
ALL, VARIOUSLY: Well what did he look like? We couldn’t see the screen. Why was he?
ZAPHOD: Well he was a big leopard OK? With you know, the sunglasses, inflight casual spacesuit split to the navel, brown beach loafers, the whole bit.
ARTHUR: How could he think you were the admiral?
FORD: Well maybe leopards just have a lousy memory for faces.
ZAPHOD: Hilarious.
TRILLIAN: It must be simpler than that. There’s obviously something wrong with the visiscreen. I’ll have a look at it.
ZAPHOD: (Sudden realization) You heard what the big cat said, he said he liked my outfit, so he must have seen me.
TRILLIAN: (Off) The screen’s coming on again.
FORD: Hell, Zaphod, get back in that seat. Trillian, come back.
TRILLIAN: It’s too late, get back!
F/X: SCREEN PING
VOICE: (Rather squeaky and scrunchy. I think we’re really going to have to use the vocoder this time) Under Fleet Commandant reporting, battle state russet, and six minutes from target galaxy. Oh, and admiral . . .
TRILLIAN: (Faintly) Y . . . yes?
VOICE: I really like the gear. Even better than last time.
TRILLIAN: Uhhhhh. Thanks.
F/X: SCREEN GOES DEAD
ZAPHOD: Wowee, weirder and weirder.
TRILLIAN: Good God.
ARTHUR: What is it Trillian?
TRILLIAN: Did you see that? I thought you said he was a leopard.
ARTHUR: He sounded different.
FORD: Did he look different?
TRILLIAN: Well he wasn’t so much a leopard, more a sort of, you know, shoe box.
ARTHUR: A shoe box?
TRILLIAN: Full of . . . well, size n
ine chukka boots.
ARTHUR: A shoe box full of size nine chukka boots?
ZAPHOD: Alright chimpman, what do you think this is, dictation?
ARTHUR: I just wondered how she knew they were size nine.
FORD: Trillian, are you seriously telling us you’ve been talking to a box of shoes?
TRILLIAN: Yes.
FORD: And he . . . she . . . it . . .
TRILLIAN: They.
FORD: . . . thought that you also were the admiral?
TRILLIAN: Well you heard it.
ZAPHOD: What are they, clinically thick?
FORD: I think they’re very clever. They’re trying to confuse us to death.
MARVIN: I don’t think they’re very clever. There’s only one person as intelligent as me within thirty parsecs of here and that’s me.
ZAPHOD: OK Marvin, is there anything you can tell us?
MARVIN: Yes. I’ve got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side.
ARTHUR: What was the name the second in command said? Haggunenon. Why don’t we look it up in the book?
TRILLIAN: What book?
FORD: The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
ZAPHOD: Oh, that hack rag.
F/X: BOOKMOTIF
GRAMS: NARRATOR BACKGROUND
NARRATOR: The Haggunenons of Vicissitus Three have the most impatient chromosomes of any life form in the Galaxy. Whereas most races are content to evolve slowly and carefully over thousands of generations, discarding a prehensile toe here, nervously hazarding another nostril there, the Haggunenons would do for Charles Darwin what a squadron of Arcturan stunt apples would have done for Sir Isaac Newton. Their genetic structure, based on the quadruple sterated octohelix, is so chronically unstable, that far from passing their basic shape onto their children, they will quite frequently evolve several times over lunch. But they do this with such reckless abandon that if, sitting at table, they are unable to reach a coffee spoon, they are liable without a moment’s consideration to mutate into something with far longer arms . . . but which is probably quite incapable of drinking the coffee.
This, not unnaturally, produces a terrible sense of personal insecurity, and a jealous resentment of all stable life forms, or ‘filthy rotten stinking samelings’ as they call them. They justify this by claiming that as they have personally experienced what it is like to be virtually everybody else they can think of, they are in a very good position to appreciate all their worst points.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Original Radio Scripts Page 13
