by Ava Catori
It was as if winning the lottery held the same excitement as going to the grocery store. It wouldn’t have mattered, because I was slowly going numb inside. Each day passed into the next, and I found my lack of emotion troubling. There was no joy, just simply getting by day to day.
We eventually traded our rental for a new home, and while that took some time and focus decorating and painting, it didn’t fill the void I had growing in me.
I’d take my kids to the playground and casually say hello to other women, but there was no connection. When it came down to it, I was lonely. How could I be lonely when I lived in a house full of people? It didn’t make sense, and yet I couldn’t reach out and find new friends. I didn’t even know where to start.
My time was limited, I had responsibilities, and it seemed like everyone I saw already had their own friends. I was the new girl in town, even after all this time. It felt like I was treading water and getting nowhere.
I wanted it to be enough – staying home with my kids, being there for Austin, but my life felt empty. Sometimes it made me feel guilty being this way. It seemed like every other person in the world knew who they were and what they were doing, but my own life felt lacking. I needed more. It’s not that I wanted some major career, or to live somewhere else, I just didn’t know what I wanted.
My life had changed so much over the last few years. I was married with two children, my mother-in-law living with me, and sometimes I felt like an outsider – inside my own family. Why didn’t things feel normal?
I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I finally admitted to Austin some of the thoughts I’d been having, almost embarrassed and ashamed to admit my truth. Only, rather than berate me, and tell me what a bad person I was, he pulled me close.
“Kate, it sounds like depression.”
“Depression? What? Me, no, I’m fine,” I laughed out of panic. I wasn’t depressed, right? I mean, I’m fine. Depressed people are sad all the time. I’m not sad.
“What you’re describing, I understand. You should go talk to somebody. Maybe make an appointment.”
“That’s ridiculous, I’m not sad. I’m simply trying to find my place. We’re in a new environment and I haven’t adjusted, that’s all.”
“Sweetie, I went through depression. You don’t have to feel sad all the time, but if the things that you usually like doing don’t bring you enjoyment, it’s kind of a sign something is going on.”
“But, all I did was move,” I started to protest.
“And get married, and had kids, and dealt with my mental health issues, and took in my mother, and quit your job. That’s a lot of change in a short period of time. It can be traumatic, but we don’t think of change as traumatic. That’s a lot of stress you’ve been juggling over the last few years. It may be catching up with you.”
I watched him talk. I knew it made sense, so why was I having such a hard time believing I could be tackling depression. It’s just that I’d watched Austin go through his stuff, and it seemed so much bigger than mine. I knew eventually I’d get through this; it was just a few clouds chasing away my sun. I’d be fine.
Only I wasn’t. I waited and waited, and I started to disconnect emotionally. I didn’t know how to get back to where I used to be. I was going through the motions without feeling anything.
I finally reached out and talked to somebody. I hated that I was going to rely on a little pill to help get me back to where I once was. I resented that pill. Why would that make me feel better, but I couldn’t do it on my own? I didn’t want to be one of those people that needed a happy pill to feel happy. It wasn’t fair; I’d made all the right choices, done all the right things, so why do I have to suffer?
The doctor explained the chemistry end of it to me, and while I wasn’t thrilled to be starting depression medication, if it helped me feel like myself again, it was worth a shot. He warned it wouldn’t work overnight, but after a few weeks, those gray clouds just might start to go away.
He was right, and as much as I hated to admit it, I did start to feel better. I was feeling like the Kate I once knew only there was one tiny problem, it all but killed my sex drive. Now that Austin’s own sex drive was thriving, we found ourselves mismatched – yet again. I couldn’t explain it; I just wasn’t in the mood – ever. It’s not like my moods would dip and go up, I was simply in this middle of the road – all the time. Unfortunately, sex was something I lost interest in.
It’s not like he didn’t try, but after enough times of me not being interested, we realized this wasn’t working. I needed to make the effort, whether I was in the mood or not – or maybe try another medication. It was a no-win scenario. I finally started feeling better, but lost interest in bedroom activities. Or I could try to get that back, stop taking my meds, and feel like crap otherwise. I decided I’d need to participate whether the mood was there or not, and hope we’d find it together.
Austin understood, having been through it himself in the past, but now he was the one looking for more activity, and I was anything but turned on.
He wasn’t giving up on me, and set aside a night to wine and dine me. He hoped with a little extra romance, it would be like having hours of foreplay that warmed us up for other things to follow. A night out sounded wonderful, time alone with my husband was always something I cherished. It’s not that I didn’t love Austin, I did, and seeing the change in him over time, moving to Washington, seeing him thrive again in his job and with his volunteering, I recognized the man I once knew. I hated that I didn’t respond sexually, the way I used to. It all felt like effort.
He hoped to change that, at least for one night. His mother agreed to watch the kids, and he planned to steal me away for a night on the town, and then an overnight stay at a local hotel. With nobody to distract us, and nothing to take care of at home, we could focus on the two of us – and spend a night in each other’s arms.
I was looking forward to our time alone, and hoped it would at least spark my flame once again. It was a weird loving somebody, being in love with them, and yet not wanting to make love. Mentally, I wanted it to happen, but physically, when we’d try to go there, I just couldn’t get turned on and would shut him down.
The simple act of getting ready to go out excited me tonight. I was in rare form, and thrilled to be in the moment. We hadn’t done a romantic dinner in ages. We were going on a real date, something we’d pushed to a back burner when the kids were born. We went away to the shore that one weekend, and what started out as a wonderful experience turned into a fight. We didn’t make much effort after that. Tonight was going to be different. Tonight, we’d go out, spend some time alone, have a romantic dinner, and then hope to get lucky at the hotel.
I was ready, I was sure of it; I just hoped my body cooperated. He’d gone through the effort, and that alone told me so much. He could have turned away from me, but all he ever did was try to pull me back in, back to him. He truly loved me, and wanted this to work.
Standing in the bathroom, the mirror still fogged from the steam of the shower, I picked up my hairdryer and shot warm air at it to clear it. Running a comb through my wet hair, I saw my image, and realized how much I’d changed over the last few years. My face had matured, and tiny lines were coming in around my eyes, the years catching up with me. I even had a few randomly placed gray hairs making their way in way too early.
I made a mental note to get a box of hair color to hide the gray, and made peace with the small creases around my eyes.
I stood drying my hair, daydreaming about our date and flashing back to days gone by, remembering the way we’d make love all day. We were so in love, eager to explore and experiment together. Over the years, we’d lost our passion, though there was still love.
The kids were growing so fast, and with Caroline here, I realized what a blessing it was to have people around that loved them. They adored their Grammy, and as much as we’d gotten off on the wrong foot all those years ago, she was now living with u
s and part of our family.
Tracing my eyes with charcoal liner, I put the pencil down and chose a soft brown shadow for my lids. Sweeping on a coat of mascara, and then a second, my mind drifted to the future wondering what it would hold for us. The one thing I was certain of was that Austin and I would get there together. I smiled at myself realizing how far we’d come. I love that man. Finishing up, I slicked a dab of lip gloss on.
I chose a burgundy dress that allowed for the extra pounds I’d gained over time. It hugged me in all the right places and allowed for a few flaws. Picking a pair of spiked black heels, I stepped into them. Sifting through my jewelry box, I pulled out a gold necklace, slipping it around my neck.
We were leaving in less than an hour, and I still had to finish packing our overnight bag. Austin would be home from work shortly, and would want to grab a shower. Gathering our things, I quickly finished up so I could spend some time with the kids before heading out.
I had Ryan choose a book so that we could share a story together. I cuddled next to him, and sat Brianna on my lap. Caroline was in the kitchen making dinner for herself and the children. Sitting on the sofa, we flipped through the book, reading it the first time. The second time, I had Ryan make up a story as we went along. He liked to tell me his own version, and had done it since he was small. I sat and listened as he explained what was happening in each picture to his little sister and me. I usually preferred his version, because they were so full of colorful characters and crazy happenings. His stories were full of imagination, and always had me smiling.
Brianna was laughing, and with an unexpected burp, Brianna got sick all over my dress and the book! I called out for Caroline, “I need a towel, Bri is sick.” It happened so fast that it caught me off guard. My dress took the brunt of it.
Caroline held Brianna so I could clean up. Running upstairs, I stripped my sexy dress off, trying to rinse it in the sink. There was no saving it tonight; it would have to go through the wash. I hoped it wasn’t ruined. Coming back down in a baggy sweatshirt and pajama pants, I took Brianna and sat on the rocking chair.
“She was sick,” Ryan said, stating the obvious, his eyes wide.
“Yes she was,” I sighed.
There goes our night. I’d rather stay here with her anyway, I’d just worry. When Austin walked in and saw me on the rocking chair holding our daughter, he was confused. He wasn’t expecting my latest outfit.
“Sweetie, we have reservations,” he nudged. “You need to get changed.”
“Brianna is sick.”
“Aww baby, what’s the matter?” He said, coming over to see her. Feeling her forehead, “She doesn’t feel warm.”
“Yeah, I don’t know. She’s not lethargic, doesn’t have a fever. Maybe it’s a little tummy bug. I don’t want to leave her tonight,” I added.
“I’ll see if I can move our reservation,” he said, heading to find the phone book so he could call the restaurant.
Coming back into the living room, “They’ve got an early dinner tomorrow night, but I think we’re going to lose the hotel reservation. I can book us for five. I’ll see if I can move the hotel room too. Is that okay with you,” he said, turning to his mother.
“Why don’t you kids go tonight, I’ll be here with her,” Caroline suggested.
“I just wouldn’t feel right,” I started. “Did you book the reservation for tomorrow?” I looked over at Austin.
“No, but I will if that’s what you want to do.”
“Yeah, I think so. I appreciate it Caroline, but I’d feel awful if she got sick again and I wasn’t here.”
After changing our plans, we’d try again. I felt a little let down, after thinking about it all day, but what’s one more day? Thankfully, Brianna didn’t get sick again, and seemed no worse for the wear.
Chapter Thirteen
When Saturday rolled around, we started the process of getting ready again. I wasn’t expecting the doorbell to ring. I didn’t know anybody that was planning on stopping by.
“I’ll get it,” I yelled over my shoulder, heading for the foyer.
Answering the door, I was met with an unpleasant surprise. “Maggie?”
To my dismay she had two suitcases.
“Hey Kate, I need a place to stay for a bit, you don’t mind, right?” She walked right past me and dropped her bags. “Where are Austin and Mom?”
I stood looking at the girl who had just invited herself to stay. “Stay here? For how long,” I barely got out before Austin showed up. The tension went straight to my shoulders. I took a deep breath to calm myself.
“Mom, Maggie’s here,” he shouted to the kitchen. “Hey baby sister, what brings you here?” He reached in and hugged her.
Shrugging her shoulders, “I sort of need a place to stay.”
“Maggie!” Caroline rushed over and hugged her daughter. “It’s so good to see you. You never call enough,” she started.
“We can catch up; I’ll be here for a while.”
“How long are you staying, exactly?” I seemed to be the only one distressed by this news.
“Where should I put my bags?” She asked, as if I had a spare room just waiting for her. “And do you mind if I grab a shower?”
“We’re about to go out, but you’re welcome to stay and talk to mom. You can sleep on the sofa,” Austin added.
Rolling my eyes, realizing I was out numbered, I smiled as graciously as I could. “Towels are in the linen hallway closet, upstairs,” I forced out.
“Thanks,” she said, skipping up the stairs.
“Wait!” Austin hollered for her.
“What?” She said spinning around, and then tumbling down a step. “Oh, shit.”
“Are you kidding me?” I couldn’t hold it. I tried to, but I couldn’t.
“Are you okay?” Austin was running to her side.
“I think so, it hurts, probably just twisted it,” she said. “I’ll prop it up for a day or two.”
“”How long are you staying? What happened?” Austin asked, trying to get us back on topic.
“Bobby threw me out,” she said sheepishly. “He caught me in bed with his buddy.” Looking around, she avoided her mom’s eye contact. “Anyway, I’ll just be here for a few weeks until I get back on my feet.”
“A few weeks,” I shot out. My mind was spinning - no way, no how. This wasn’t happening. I couldn’t do this.
Austin chimed in. “We’ll discuss this tomorrow. Kate and I have plans tonight, but let’s think days, not weeks.”
“Whatever, bro,” she said, and hopped up the stairs all gimpy.
I turned to stare at Austin, he saw my displeasure.
“We’ll talk about it in the car,” he said.
Gathering our things, we gave out hugs and kisses to the kids, and made sure Caroline had the name and number of the hotel we’d be staying at. She has our cell numbers, but you can never be too careful.
“We’ll be fine, and I’ll talk to Maggie and see what’s going on,” she said. I wondered if Caroline was happy about Maggie staying here, or if she was feeling crowded herself.
Getting into the car, I took a deep breath, ready to unload on my husband.
“Not yet,” he said, his hand coming up. “Please, just give me a minute to absorb what just happened.”
“I can tell you what happened, your family is taking over my house, and I don’t like it,” I bit my cheek before I said something I might regret.
“I had no idea she’d show up like that,” he stated, trying to make sure I didn’t put the blame on him.
A deep sigh, “Austin, I don’t know if I can deal with your sister living with us too. It’s not fair to ask me.”
“A few days, that’s all I’m asking. If it’s more than a week, she’s out, okay? We can help put her up at a hotel, or she can find a friend to stay with.”
“A week tops, I mean it. A week is even more than I can deal with right now.”
“Just a week,” he said, taking my hand and kis
sing it. “Don’t let her spoil our night.”
I looked at him and said nothing. Turning to look out the window, I swallowed my pride and answered, “Fine, a week.”
Turning the key in the ignition, Austin started the car and backed out of the driveway. We escaped our house just in time, but with this weighing on my mind I didn’t see how our romantic night would be very romantic. Everything had just tilted in a new direction – again. I was getting tired of change and constant turmoil.
Pulling up the restaurant, we had to circle the block a few times to find a parking spot. That’s the problem with city living, parking. I missed suburbia and restaurants that had a lot full of parking spaces – not to mention my inability to parallel park in tight spots. Thankfully, Austin was much better at it, and pulled in without a problem.
Walking to Dino’s we were greeted with amazing aromas, and before we were even seated I knew I’d be getting the lasagna. I saw it on another customer’s table, and it looked incredible, all cheesy, yum!
Looking over the wine list, Austin laughed, “I can never tell the difference between them. I mean, I know red is red, and white is white – but all the names mean nothing to me.”
I smiled, “Let’s see what they recommend. They don’t have the one we usually get.”
“Sounds like a plan,” he said. And then after a pause, “Kate, you look beautiful tonight, by the way. I love that perfume you’re wearing, is that your usual? It smells different.”
“It’s my regular one, it’s just so rare that I put it on these days,” I shrugged. “Not much occasion these days.”
“Well, you look lovely and smell delicious.”
“Thanks,” I blushed, looking at my husband. “You don’t clean up so badly yourself.” Sometimes I forgot how handsome he was. He had boyish good looks, a great body, and the most beautiful face. When he first spiraled into his depression he’d let himself go a bit, but now that he was back to himself, his strong, firm body was back. I took it for granted at times with the lack of sex we had, but when I took a second to really look at Austin, I realized how lucky I was to be with such a handsome man. I felt plain compared to him at times.
