by Ava Catori
“Shh, I know baby, I know.” He pulled me closer, wrapping his arm around me. “They aren’t after you. It’s all done now.”
Austin picked up a security job at a local bank for now, so we’d have some extra money coming in. His new salary was anemic compared to what he was making, but it was something. We’d have to figure something out fast, because if we didn’t, we’d lose our house.
“Maybe we should sell the house. We don’t have any equity, and we’re going to lose it if we get too behind on the mortgage.” I didn’t know what else to suggest.
“I’m not selling the house. Besides, there’s no guarantee it will sell right away. I’ll get a second job for now, until I can find something better.”
“Baby, you’re going to be so tired.”
“It will be easier to juggle two, than trying to figure out schedules for both of us with the kids. We can’t afford day care, and until they’re both in school, it doesn’t make sense.”
“I feel like I should be doing something.”
“You are, you’re taking care of our children,” he kissed my forehead. “That’s enough.”
“Do you think you can pick up another job? Our savings is running low,” I asked hesitantly.
“I’ll ask around. A lot of the guys pick up extra security gigs.”
“Austin, just not like the last one, okay?”
“Kate, it paid well. We need something big.”
He was right. We needed big money, and this one bank security job wasn’t going to cut it. We were in trouble.
He took a deep breath, “I’m thinking of asking Derek to give me another chance. We both knew it was a risky job, and wouldn’t end well. He knows it wasn’t me.”
“Austin, please no. I can’t handle you doing something that risky again. What would I do if he took you out as well that day? You wouldn’t be here. What would the kids and I do?”
“I am here,” his frustration was mixed between understanding and knowing he needed a better paying job. “Kate, I’ve got to ask. We can’t live on this salary alone. We’ll lose the house, and I don’t want to live like that. You deserve better.”
“All I care about is you. I don’t care about the house. Please, no more risky jobs, promise me.”
He nodded. “I’ll see if he knows of anything else.”
“Have you spoken to him since…” I stopped myself.
“Once or twice, but I knew he had his own issues, and I didn’t want to add stress to his life. I already dropped the ball.”
“You didn’t drop the ball,” I rushed to stop him from beating himself up.
“She was my responsibility.”
“Austin, it would have happened eventually, based on what you’ve told me.”
“But, it happened on my shift.”
Embracing my husband, I held him. We had so much turmoil over the entire thing, and nowhere to put it. It would just take time.
Derek couldn’t offer him a position, but he contacted a friend, and they hooked him up with a second gig. It wasn’t as much as the other, but it would save our house for now. I barely saw him, as he worked two jobs to keep us afloat. I didn’t want to live like this and begged him to put the house up for sale.
He finally agreed, though we’d stay in the area in a rental.
Thankfully, the sale didn’t take as long as we expected, and after a few weeks on the market, our home sold. We didn’t make much on the sale, but we didn’t lose a bunch either. At least the weight of a foreclosure was gone, our credit was saved, and we found a rental just a few blocks away.
It felt like we were starting over again, and while he was gainfully employed, I started to question if Washington was where I wanted to stay permanently. He wasn’t tied into a lifelong career job, I knew these were temporary, but I had no idea where I wanted to be. The idea to move closer to my parents crept into my mind, but I didn’t know how to approach it.
The relationship between Austin and his mother cooled off, and neither spoke to the other for months. The kids asked about Grammy, but we just said she was busy for now. I didn’t know what to say, because I didn’t expect her to be back in their lives, so for now I bought time. They were little and didn’t require detailed explanations, just creative ones.
From what we heard, she was renting a studio close to Maggie. Austin wouldn’t discuss his mother or his past after that one night, and with that she became a piece of his past.
Chapter Seventeen
When they showed up to visit, I realized how much I missed my parents. Being in Washington, we didn’t see them as often as I’d like. They were only here for a few days, but it put the desire to go home again deep inside of me. I missed home, and I missed Heather. If we could find a place between where we used to live and where my folks are, it might feel like home.
Washington left me feeling isolated. I was surrounded by all of these people, but they weren’t my friends and family, and in a city full of strangers, I felt alone a good deal of the time. I barely saw Austin, he was working two jobs, and on coming home he’d collapse into bed. By dawn he was on the go again. This wasn’t the way I wanted to live. Going home, we could start over. Things were so expensive here; we could live on a lot less if we left the city.
I didn’t know if he’d go for it, but eventually I’d have to broach the topic. Looking back at the last few years, it seemed like we were always just treading water. We never really got ahead, and maybe if I stopped trying to get somewhere, and just accepted that’s all life really was I’d be happier. I guess I kept waiting for when the stress would end, the bills would stop, but the only way that would happen – well, I wasn’t ready to exit the world.
Again our personal life suffered, and our intimacy was non-existent. By the time Austin got home he was tired, and if he had a day off I needed a breather from the kids, and wasn’t feeling amorous. One of these days we’d get it right.
I had to cut expenses to make ends meet, and one of those places was with my birth control pills. I hated to give them up, but they were a monthly expense we couldn’t afford. I begged Austin to get a vasectomy, but he refused. When I asked him about getting my tubes tied, he begged me not to do it just yet. I was scared. I didn’t want to get pregnant again, and yet he held out hope. We couldn’t afford another child.
When my period was late, I cried.
Two weeks later it showed up, a huge sense of relief washed over me. Stress kept it away, and confirmed to me that I needed to put my birth control pills back in the budget. That scare was enough to make an impact.
My parents offered us a place to stay, if we’d move back. It would give us time to get on our feet, find jobs locally, and start over. I was ready to settle down once and for all. This back and forth, moving, it wasn’t for me. I knew where I wanted to be, back where I had a support system.
It was hard for Austin to accept help this way, since it was my parents this time, but it was the only way to give us a chance to save for a place of our own. We were paycheck to paycheck in Washington, and missing one would wipe us out. Starting over, having fewer bills would allow us to make change.
After many heated discussions, along with ones where our egos had to stay out of the room, we concluded it was the best choice for our family, and went to stay with my folks for a few months. Our goal was to be out in less than six months, enough time to find jobs, earn some money, and put a few dollars in savings. I couldn’t thank them enough for the opportunity. It would be tight quarters, but it was a sacrifice we had to make.
Picking up our lives one again, we headed back home. We turned a large finished basement into our living space, and used screens to make two rooms, one for our bedroom and another for the children. Being in the smaller space left us little to no privacy and our sex life suffered once again. We seemed to go in cycles, and at least for the first time in ages, I started to understand it was just the way life was.
So many times, I turned it around on myself. I wasn’t pretty enough, he w
asn’t attracted to me anymore, or I’d gained weight. When in reality we’d gone through this same exact thing in the past. There were times things were wonderful and we were connected, and times when we fell out of sync, stress and life taking over. One thing was a constant, our love for one another. We stood side by side, together as one, and I knew we’d weather this rough time as well.
When Austin found a job, I felt a huge weight drop off my shoulders. I loved my parents, but didn’t want to be a burden to them either. I knew it was just a matter of time. I was able to pick up a part-time job, while my mom offered to watch the kids for the time being.
School and daycare would be a part of our life soon enough. It’s just the way it had to be right now to make ends meet. We needed two incomes to survive, and at least with my part-time job, we’d balance the cost of daycare with work, and still come out a little bit ahead. We’d juggle somehow and figure out how to make it work, we always did.
I remember being a little girl, and thinking about being swept off my feet, meeting my Prince Charming, and then living my happily ever after. Well, I met my Prince Charming, but nobody ever told me it would be such a bumpy ride – that there’d be hurdles to climb over, and stress to deal with. I guess those stories aren’t as appealing.
As our lives came back together, and we were able to put money aside, we were finally nearing the point of renting a place of our own again. We found a townhome with a nice yard, big enough for a swing set, and if everything went through – we’d be in within a month’s time. I was more than ready, and craving some privacy.
I was desperate to close a door and be intimate with my husband. With my children so close in the temporary living spaces, our sex life was non-existent, and more often than not, the kids would pile onto the bed with us, snuggling in. I had no idea how I was going to break that habit when we moved to the new place, but I was anxious for grown-up time.
Ryan went running through the new place when we finally got the keys. Heather and Scott were helping us move, along with a few other friends. I was so happy to see Heather again, and knew coming home was the right choice for me. I missed the friendship we once shared, and hoped now that I was back, we’d talk more.
We stayed close through phone calls, but it wasn’t the same. We hadn’t gone out together in ages, and seeing her reminded me how much those simple connections are. Friendship is something we often take for granted, but I wasn’t doing it anymore. I must have hugged Heather a million times that day, and knowing we’d be hanging out again, I felt better.
She said she missed me too, but she stayed active. She got involved in Mommy groups, and had a support system. That was something I didn’t pursue in Washington, and instead isolated myself. I was miserable, and realized it was because I never made the effort. I gave in too easy, and gave up on myself. Well, no more.
The last of the things were loaded into our home, and as we sat having a few beers, talking with our friends, everything felt right. Austin seemed at ease too.
When the kids finally went to sleep, we christened our new home, and with a few extra beers in me, I was feeling especially randy.
“Come here,” I smiled at my husband. “We have some lost time to make up for.” I was happy and relaxed.
Austin wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. “Welcome home, angel.”
“Welcome home,” I said, pressing my mouth to his. Slowly parting my lips, I pushed my tongue to meet his, and together our heated desires grew. What had been caged up for months was finally unleashed, our kisses growing more impassioned.
Our bodies were ready, and just as the moment was upon us, the first layer of clothing being shed, I heard Brianna cry. A deep sigh, “I’ll get her. I’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere.” Pulling my shirt back on, I went to get my daughter.
“Austin, she’s burning up, check the cabinet to see if we have anything for a fever,” I called out. Brianna’s face was bright red, and her cheeks flushed hot. It came on rapidly, because she was fine just a bit ago.
Her little face and hairline was sweaty. “Can you grab the thermometer?” I called out.
After checking our daughter’s temperature and giving her a dose of medication, I sat down cuddling her, letting her fall asleep against me. I pressed a cool, damp cloth to her skin, helping her cool down. Once she was settled, and her fever seemed to be under control, I gently put her to bed, making a mental note to come back and check again in a bit.
Closing the door to her room, I headed downstairs. Austin turned to look at me, “How’s she doing?”
“She seems okay, I’m not sure what brought it on,” I said, sitting down beside him. I half smiled, “So much for our hot night of passion, huh, cowboy.”
“There’ll be other nights,” he answered.
“Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever get back to how things used to be,” I admitted cautiously.
“Eventually,” he soothed. “Life’s thrown us a few curve balls lately. I didn’t picture this when I asked you to marry me. I thought things would be easier, simpler.”
“I guess when you’re two adults only worrying about yourself, it is easier. Once there are kids, family, suddenly you don’t come first anymore.”
“If it’s any consolation, I wouldn’t have wanted to do this with anyone else.”
“Austin, are you happy?”
“Of course I am - why do you ask that?”
“Life just isn’t quite what we planned. All the moving, different jobs, the fighting, the lack of sex,” I paused. “Do you ever wish it was different?”
Austin looked at me, “What’s this about, Kate? Something’s bothering you.”
“I guess I get scared sometimes. Do you regret marrying me?”
“How could you even ask that? Of course I don’t regret marrying you. Kate, talk to me babe, tell me what’s going on. This is coming out of left field.”
“I don’t know, I guess sometimes I wonder if you wished for something else - somebody prettier, somebody that wanted more kids, somebody different.”
He stared at me. “Kate, why are you asking me these things? Have I done something that’s made you unhappy? Is this about me, or is it about you?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know, sometimes I just don’t think I deserve you. You’re a good looking guy, women are attracted to you. You ended up with me,” I paused.
He broke in, “I chose you. I didn’t settle.”
The tears, gosh how I hated the tears that would just start when I wasn’t ready to reveal my true feelings. “I think I’m just overwhelmed lately. All these changes, what happened in DC, and then I think about seeing you with Natalie, your hand on the small of her back. I was jealous, but there was a tiny piece of me that understand your want or need to touch her. She was beautiful, and you’re stuck with me.”
“First off, this kind of talk is ridiculous. Why are you getting insecure again? This slips out every once in a while and you do one of two things, you smother me or you start to think I want somebody else. First, I’m not stuck with you, I love you. You have trouble remembering that, and secondly we need to fix this, it’s becoming a recurring pattern.”
“Sometimes I can’t separate my imagination from reality. I see you talking to someone, and I just start to think that you want them, or are thinking about them sexually. I know your actions don’t show that, but I always picture the worst. Then I get depressed, but I realize I did it to myself. I’m not sure how to stop those thoughts.”
Austin took my hand in his, “It’s like a form of self-sabotage. As soon as you’re happy, you wait for something bad to happen, and if it doesn’t you create it yourself. I don’t understand why.”
“I don’t know. I’m just always afraid you’re going to leave. One minute, I know we can get through anything together, and the next moment I’m afraid you’ll realize you’re so much better than I am, and are out of my league.”
“Crazy talk, Kate, that’s what that is – crazy talk.”
“I wish I knew what triggered these things in you. You’re putting yourself through needless suffering. It doesn’t make sense.”
I shrugged. “I just always feel like I’m not good enough.”
“Maybe you should talk to someone. Are you still taking your depression medication?”
I flushed and looked down, shaking my head. “No.”
“No? Why did you stop?”
“When I was trying to cut the budget, I stopped taking those and my birth control pills. It helped save us money.”
“Aww, honey, you can’t skip medication that your body needs. We’ll find a way to pay for everything. See, when you’re not taking it your depression turns into this bunched up anxiety,” his hand was now in mine, squeezing gently. “Please promise me you’ll restart you medication.”
I nodded quietly. “I’m afraid that we’ll grow apart. We always do when we’re not intimate, and I want to reconnect with you. We’ve been through so much; I miss your touch,” I said.
Lifting my hand to his mouth, his soft lips brushed against my skin. “It’s going to be okay,” after pausing, “and Kate, there’s nobody that I want more than you. You’re my entire world, you and the kids.”
“Some days I just don’t feel good enough for you guys. I feel detached; I don’t know how to fix that.”
“You start by taking your medication, okay? I promise you’ll start to feel better soon.”
I looked into Austin’s eyes, and felt safe. As long as I had him by my side, I’d be okay.
Chapter Eighteen
When Brianna woke up the following morning, she seemed fine. She had a low grade fever, but it never spiked back up. Whatever made her sick the night before seemed to be going away almost as quickly. We made sure to up her fluids for the day, and I kept a close eye on her. Ryan seemed fine, so I was hoping he didn’t turn up with it too.
