by Amanda Lance
“Did she say what happened?”
“She took a bunch of Benadryl for her allergies and forgot about it. With the beer and that shit she bought off of you, I guess it made a bad combination.”
I have to wrap my head around it. I thought Jenna was smarter than that. Any jackass with a computer would know what to avoid when using amphetamines. I feel relieved though, and I swallow a mouth full of blood. Where it’s coming from, I have no idea.
It wasn’t completely my fault.
“At least she’s okay.”
“Okay? Okay? You could have killed her, you shit!”
“I didn’t make her take anything. Nobody held a gun to her head.”
This apparently, was not the right thing to say.
“Fuck you, McKay! You stay away from Jenna and you sure as shit better stay away from my sister, or you’ll be wishing I had called the cops.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Jenna didn’t want me to. If you get arrested, then everybody will know how she—”
I’m looking at the ground. Jenna’s shame: it’s something I’ve been counting on all this time. I hadn’t counted on the Graysons though, and now both of them know who I am. What am I supposed to do with this?
Chapter 31
Hadley
It was easier to stay away from James when he wasn’t there. Once again he was absent from school, though no one was surprised. For me it was dreadful. While Rachel and I should have been studying for government, my thoughts were with James and all the possibilities for his absence. Did something happen between him and the guys I saw him with at the party? Was he in some kind of trouble? The police? I considered calling him during lunch, but realized I didn’t even have a phone number for him, making my phone a useless and cumbersome device.
By English my anxious mood was wearing me out, and even Tim was noticing how fidgety I was. I flipped the pages of Crime and Punishment under my nail in time with the ticking clock. I had no idea what to do. If James was hurt or had been involved in some elaborate drug bust, would the school host an assembly or something? Make an announcement over the loudspeaker?
“Hadley? Are you okay?”
I waited until Grander turned his back before answering. “Yep.”
“Too much coffee?” Tim laughed but I was only becoming more self-conscious of my jittery movements.
“Something like that.”
“You worried about Jenna?”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “I am.”
“It’s crazy, right? Everybody knows she’s like an overachiever and stuff, but amphetamines? That’s something serious.”
“Tell me about it.”
I tuned in and out for the remainder of class and tried to stop myself every time the pen began bouncing in my hand or my thoughts returned to James. This time of year I should have been planning the girls’ line-up with Jordan, but instead I was having awful daydreams of James laying in a hospital bed with bullet wounds or brooding in a jail cell. On the way to school the day before, Simon had promised not to use drugs anymore in exchange for me not seeing James. I accepted that Simon had only wanted to get high, impress Jenna maybe, and that he took the X only once. Regardless, we agreed to the terms and not to tell our parents, both for our sakes and theirs.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I had been looking through the papers but too chicken to try and ask around to see if anyone knew anything. Other than flipping through the local news channels, there wasn’t a whole lot else I could do and still keep my word.
But what if I found a way around it? Why was Simon the only one allowed to take risks and be reckless? If I only see James once, just once to make sure he was all right and everything, then what was the harm in it? Besides, like Simon said about not telling Mom and Dad: what they don’t know can’t hurt them. The same can be said for Simon. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
And anyway, I knew Simon wouldn’t want me to go crazy. If I didn’t know if James was okay, it would drive me insane, up the freaking wall nuts.
I kept thinking it over in my head. I was still having a hard time justifying it to myself, but then the epiphany came like a rush of caffeine.
If my motivations for seeing James were purely academic, then it was fit to reason that it was okay on some level, that it was safer, reasonable even.
So when the bell rang I stayed behind and waited for everyone else to leave before I approached Grander. Tim was lingering in the doorway, but I waved at him to go on ahead.
“Excuse me, Mr. Grander?”
“Hadley.” He smiled at me for a second before going back to erasing the whiteboard “Scouring for recommendations all ready?”
“Ah no. Actually I was wondering about J—McKay.” I flinched at my words and bit my own tongue.
“Ah yes, the impossible racketeer.”
“Huh?”
“Kid doesn’t live up to his potential. I shouldn’t be talking about other students, though. So, what’s up?”
The odd nickname threw me for a loop and for a split second I had forgotten my mission. “Oh um, McKay is my neighbor, kind of…and he and I are friends…kind of, so I thought I could bring him the homework he’s missed the last couple of days.”
Grander gave me a questionable look, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he walked over to the file cabinet, and handed me a few class worksheets. “You’re a smart kid, Hadley; maybe your influence can help McKay pass this course. I hear he’s been accepted to a couple of places, so he probably thinks his grades this year don’t matter, but every effort makes a difference in the long run.” He handed the worksheets to me. “Honestly, it would be great if you could just convince him to show up.”
“I’ll work on it.”
Despite my word to Simon, I knew I would.
Chapter 32
McKay
I’m spending the entire day cooking. I’ve used up all the supplies I had and then some, even substituting when I had to. Even though I know it will create an inferior product, I don’t care. I hate King Asshat. I hate the way the other boys looked at Hadley—the way that I will never be allowed to. I hate that I am alone.
I have been paying so much attention to my hate that I don’t hear when Frank pulls in. White terror grips me, because while I know I can just skip school for a couple of days and nobody will care, but even Frank will notice how bruised up my face is. I’m just lucky he’s showing up a day late as it is. If he showed up when King Asshat was still here, then I’d probably shopping for some lime and a new shovel.
Dog is asleep on the sofa, curled up with his tail under himself. I have bribed his complacency with one of those jumbo rawhides that he could barely even carry out of Pet Palace and the incident of me locking him in the back room was all but forgotten. I thought maybe I could do something similar with Frank, keeping his paranoia away with a couple of slices from Enzos and a six pack in the fridge, but we’d have to see.
I peek my head out the window and see him stumble out of the rig. Even though he has a big stature he looks sort of twisted under the garage lights, too skinny for what he should be, too old, too sad. I get back inside and turn the lights off except for the ones in the hall, and the one above the sink. I’m kind of confident he won’t see me, but I’m still not placing any bets.
“Hey, Boy.”
I nod at him with my back still turned. My odds have gone up if he’s in a decent mood. It’s the right foot to start out on.
“What are you into?”
I hear him sit something heavy down on the floor but don’t bother looking at what it is. Odds are in two or three days he’ll be back on the road, and with the time in-between, he’ll be at the bowling alley and the bars, and Dog and I can be almost anywhere else.
I make a big show of the flask I’m polishing and the bowl of soap and water. “Just cleaning up.”
“Good.” He sighs. I think he sits in a chair. I definitely hear the popping of a beer top. “Did you clean up the bathroom since the last ti
me I left?”
I nod.
“When you’re done with that, there’s some stuff in the rig.”
I nod. As if we don’t do this every other week.
I put the flask away and tie up the tubing that’s lying out. From the corner of my eye, Dog is purring like a kitten (race traitor). The sooner I get this stuff put away, the sooner I can get the stuff out of the rig and Dog and I can retire to the clearing. I’ve been cooking all day, and I don’t want to breathe these fumes a second longer than I have to.
“Goddamn, Boy, this dog smells better than you. How you ever gonna get a girl if you don’t clean up every now and then?”
I know better than to say anything. He’s only trying to bait me, pick a fight. Trust me, we’ve been here before.
“Don’t pretend like you don’t hear me, Boy. I asked you a question. You think it’ll kill you to get your damn hair cut?” He huffs, he puffs. “Or maybe you don’t like the girls at all, is that it?”
I’m getting up and saying the lyrics to Opeth songs in my head. When Frank gets like this, it’s better to just play dead. Nine times out of ten he’ll just sniff you then move on.
But he gets up and grabs my elbow, and before I can stop myself, I get spun around. He forgets his own shit when he sees my face.
“Holy hell, Boy…”
Now I’m beginning to wish I really was dead.
“Come on, Dog. Wanna go for a walk?”
I reach up on the wall for the leash but Frank is right behind me and seems determined, which is so not good. Luckily, at the sound of his favorite word, Dog is wide awake and barking at my feet, providing enough distraction to drown Frank out a little bit.
“What happened to your face? You been fighting?”
“No,” I lie, “just fell.”
“Yeah, right. Looks like you got the shit kicked out of you. You’re such a pussy I bet you didn’t even get a punch in edgewise. Worse yet is you’re causing trouble. What is it I have to know about?”
“I wasn’t fighting.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
He yanks Dog’s leash from me but I don’t really try to stop him. I’m distracted by an image in the window that shouldn’t be there, a glimmer of something beautiful that I’ve seen before, held before. Before I can confirm it, she’s gone.
Frank is still yelling and swearing when I walk toward the back door. Dog tries to follow me but I slam the door in his face before he or Frank can catch me.
Chapter 33
Hadley
I got away from my family during the throngs of the pre-dinner chaos. Mom was frying peppers and mushrooms while talking on her Bluetooth. Simon was trying to help Dad find his glasses so he could help him tune the piano. I put on my light leather coat with the warm flannel inside and quickly brushed out my hair. I thought I’d have to make up some excuse for slipping out the back just after dark, but I quickly realized it wasn’t necessary. Everyone was wound up in their own routines and projects. Maybe I should have been working on something of my own, but for now, James was my priority.
I walked out to the dirt road cautiously, deterred by smoke coming from the chimney and the cab in the lot. I assumed that meant James’ dad was home. Did Mr. McKay know? Did he care?
As the house came closer into view, I could smell the burnt plastic again but tried to ignore it. Something cracked beneath my feet but I quickly realized it was just a cornstalk. I didn’t have time to enjoy the relief though, because Dog started barking and I felt panic again like when I had first approached the house.
“Don’t lie to me!” a voice, hard and loud, yelled within the house. I heard heavy feet heading towards the front door. I skittered over to the side where there was a window with a parted curtain. I shouldn’t have been prying, but I ignored that and did it anyway, creeping around to the side of the house to look inside.
The window didn’t provide a great view, but I could see a torn chair and a dryer without a door. I leaned forward on my tippy toes to see barrels and beakers, burners, tubes, funnels, and measuring cups. Just next to a lopsided table was James and a tall but twisted looking man, arguing about something that was muffled by the exterior of the house. I strained to hear more, but as though he sensed an intruder, James looked toward the window the instant I moved.
I ducked as quickly as I could. Had he seen me? I needed to get back home. At least now I knew he wasn’t in jail. And though my thoughts should have been focused on thinking of ways to slink back to the house without anyone noticing, I could stop myself from wanting to see more. The yelling had gone down and I could only hear Dog’s barking, I willingly took this as a good sign.
Maybe if I pulled on a piece of the sill I could get a better view. I stood on my tippy toes again facing the window, but something pulled me away by my hips, twisting me until my back was flat against the siding of the house.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I-I w-was j-just—”
“Are you trying to be funny, Hadley Grayson?”
I pushed James from me but it didn’t do much good. My second strategy was to follow my first instinct and throw myself against him instead. I circled my arms around him before he could react, closing him in my hug. I was determined not to let him go.
“I’m glad it’s you.”
“W-why are you laughing?” he whispered in my ear.
“You scared the hell out of me just now.”
“Good.” His voice was hard, though he still whispered. “I didn’t invite you here. You should never have come here.”
“Why weren’t you at school today? Or yesterday? I’ve been worried about you.”
“Hadley—”
“I brought you your homework.”
“You aren’t hearing me.”
“And you aren’t answering me. What happened to you?”
I pulled away just enough to sneak a peek at him, at the edge of his stubble by his right ear a bruise swelled, his lip was busted, and deep red scratches near his eye were too fresh to be ignored.
I reached for him but he stopped me. “Don’t.”
“James, talk to me.” I ran my hand along the edge of the bruise but he flinched.
“I c-can’t.”
The voice from inside hollered again. “Where are you, you little bastard?”
There was a clatter from inside and Dog started barking again. The voice hollered and Dog yelped.
“G-go.” He pushed me away from his house, his hand on my head to make me duck low. “Promise me you won’t come back here.”
“What?”
“Just promise me you won’t come back here without me!”
“The clearing,” I whispered as he ran from me. “Will you meet me there later?”
He nodded then ran around the corner. I wasn’t dumb enough as to think it was an open invitation inside.
***
I didn’t hear Mom ask me about the shelter during dinner, and I barely felt it when I accidently dropped my phone on my foot. Though to my credit, I did get through the rest of my econ homework. I was so out of it; I even let Simon watch a reality show about fishing on the living room TV without complaint. All I could think about was that horrible sound Dog made and how horribly worried James had been when it happened. I didn’t know someone could be so young and so old at the same time.
“Are you okay, Hadley?” Mom looked up from her laptop and glanced at my unread magazine.
“Um hmm.”
Dust was forming on the newly hung blinds. What if James was hurt, worse than he obviously already was, anyway? How ridiculous was it that I was just sitting here? I should have called the cops when I heard Dog yelp like that. But then there were all those beakers and tubes…what were the drug laws in this state? Would James be charged as a minor? An accessory? If I was responsible for sending him away, even if it did keep him out of danger, would he hate me forever?
“Are you sure?”
I made myself smile. I was sure, wasn’t I?
“I know this move was tough on you, and I hope you know how much I appreciate the sacrifices you and your brother are making.”
Mom spoke of sacrifices as though there were some being made here, as if I had participated in one. It only supported my theory that she genuinely understood nothing about where I was coming from.
“I’ll tell you what, why don’t you and I go shopping this weekend, just the two of us, like when you were little?”
I just kept staring at the blinds. How much farther was James beyond them?
“Sure, Mom. Whatever you want.”
***
As I waited in the field, I pulled a rubber band against my wrist. Though it hurt, I liked the little sound it made against my skin and did it every few seconds. I waited for James like a kid waits for an ice cream truck. Having not talked to him in four days, I was hungry for more of his company. Though frankly that wasn’t a realistic comparison. I was starving to speak with him.
When he emerged from the collapsing fennels, I felt my pulse throb in the welts I had given myself. I raced up to him and closed him in a hug again. I didn’t care if he wanted it or not. I needed to feel him next to me, if only for a few moments more.
But he accepted my embrace, even tracing his finger along the edge of my hair.
“What was that back there?”
“Frank came home early. H-he doesn’t like uninvited guests. I just didn’t want him to see you.”
“Frank is your dad?”
“Yeah.”
“That couldn’t have been the only reason he was so angry.” I hesitated to get my theory out, but I knew I had to ask. “Did he do that?”
He pulled away from my touch once more, closing his eyes against some shame. “It isn’t a b-big deal.”
“Yes, it is, James; you can’t let people treat you like that.”
“It’s my fault,” he muttered. “I did something I shouldn’t have. I fucked up.”
