by Amy Clipston
She took a deep breath and studied the afghan while she considered her words. “I told you my fiancé, Travis, passed away, but I didn’t tell you what happened to him.” She started to crochet before going on. “He took his own life.”
When Saul gasped, she looked up at his shocked expression.
“I knew he was sick,” she continued, “but I thought he was getting better.”
“He was sick? Did he have a disease?”
“No.” Madeleine’s voice thickened, and she cleared her throat. “He was suffering from depression. He told me he was seeing a counselor, but I didn’t know it had gotten so bad. If I’d known he was struggling, I would’ve helped him. I always thought I was a good nurse, but I wasn’t good enough to help my own fiancé.” She thought back to the night he died. “I was working in the ER at the hospital on base that night. I knew a patient had been brought in with a gunshot wound, but I had no idea it was Travis until I saw him on the stretcher.”
“I’m so sorry.” Saul started to reach for her hand and then stopped, moving his hand back to his side. Was he going to touch her hand? The gesture was warm and comforting, even though their hands never touched.
“Thank you.” Tears stung her eyes. “I’ll never forget that image of him. It haunts me. Sometimes I dream I’m trying to revive him. Other times I dream I’m working as a flight nurse and his body is there with me on the aircraft.”
“Madeleine.” He whispered her name as he studied her. “I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you to relive that pain over and over again. Do you know why he took his own life?”
“Yes.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “He left me a note, taped to my door.” She nodded toward the desk where she kept the letter. “I found it when I got home that night. You see, a few months earlier, he had learned he was part of a military unit that accidentally bombed an orphanage while they were fighting in the Middle East. In the letter, he told me he loved me, but he wanted to escape the heartache that had taken over his life. He said he couldn’t live with himself knowing he’d accidentally killed innocent children. He said he was certain God wanted him to die because those children couldn’t live.”
“Did he pray about it? Did he ask God for forgiveness?” Saul asked.
“I told him to, over and over again. We went to church together, and we even prayed together. But I guess he couldn’t forgive himself. So he shot himself and left me alone to try to pick up the pieces. At least his parents had already passed away, so they didn’t have to suffer.”
She paused and collected her thoughts.
“I couldn’t work in the hospital after that. I always thought of Travis when I took care of wounded patients. It was too much for me to be around the trauma and the death. My tour with the air force was ending around that time, and I didn’t sign up for more time. My mother could see how much I was suffering, and she suggested I come out here to try to find some peace, a place that is peaceful. That’s why I love it here.”
Saul’s expression was full of sympathy. “Have your nightmares at least gotten any better now that you’re away from the hospital and the military base?”
“I don’t have them as frequently, and I’ve found ways to cope.” She held up the afghan. “Sometimes the nightmares get so bad that running doesn’t help me. One day I started making this afghan, and I felt better. Lately, I’ve only had them a couple of nights a week.”
He nodded. “I’m glad to hear that. I hope it continues to get better.”
The compassion in his expression made her feel secure, and she relished the comfort. She was surprised by how close she felt to him at that moment. They were truly becoming friends.
“You’re the first person I’ve shared that story with, other than my parents,” she admitted. “Not even with other women who’ve been my friends. I don’t normally tell people about the letter Travis left me. I’m always afraid they’ll judge Travis or that they won’t understand.”
“Danki for trusting me with your story.”
The intensity in Saul’s eyes caused her heart to skip a beat. Did he feel close to her too? A moment passed between them, and she tried to think of something to say to fill the space. She looked down at the clipboard.
“You put those sketches together quickly.”
He shrugged. “It doesn’t take me long when I know what I want to do.”
“Great.” She set the afghan on her lap. “I can’t wait to see them.”
He handed her the clipboard. “Let me know what you think.”
Madeleine flipped through the sketches and nodded. “These are exactly what I want.” She tried to imagine the new cabinets in her kitchen. “Should we walk out to the kitchen to talk? I want to compare these sketches to the old cabinets.”
“That sounds like a gut idea.”
He followed her out to the kitchen, and she studied the old cabinets and the sketches. “This is perfect. I think they will look fantastic, don’t you?”
He nodded.
“I think my daadi built the original cabinets.”
“Ya, he did. He told me.” Saul ran his fingers over the counter. “He did all of the work in the kitchen. He and his daed built this haus.”
“Did you know my grandparents well?” Madeleine asked.
“I did. My best friend, Marcus, told me your grandparents were looking to sell part of their property, and he thought I might want to buy it. I didn’t have enough room on the land my parents left me to build a big shop. My dat wasn’t a farmer, and he didn’t have much property at all. I already had a buyer for my land, but I hadn’t found anything I liked yet.” He leaned against the counter. “I came and met your daadi, and we struck a deal. I got to know them well over the years.”
Madeleine smiled. “They were really good people. I didn’t see them much once my mother remarried and I became a teenager. I got busy with school and college and then my military service. And even when I was here, I only stayed a day or two. Not long enough to meet anyone.” Her smile faded. “But mostly, I miss them.”
“I do too,” Saul said. “After Mel passed away, I used to stop by to see Martha frequently and ask if she needed anything.”
“Really?” Madeleine was overwhelmed with appreciation for him. “That’s very nice. Thank you for doing that.”
“Martha was a very special lady. She had a special relationship with my Emma.” Saul looked down at the counter, and Madeleine wondered if it was painful for him to talk about his feelings. “After Annie was gone and Emma got old enough to venture off our property by herself a little, Emma began visiting Martha. Martha became a mammi to her. In fact, I’m certain you already know Emma called her ‘Mammi.’ I was grateful that God put a mother figure in Emma’s life. We didn’t have my mamm or Annie’s mamm around.”
He rubbed his bearded chin. “Martha taught Emma a lot of things mamms are supposed to teach daughters. She taught her how to sew, how to work in the garden, how to cook.” He looked at her and smiled. “How to use the wringer washer.”
She laughed. “Is that directed at me?”
He grinned, and Madeleine laughed again.
“In all seriousness,” he continued, “Martha was a special friend to Emma. It was difficult for us when she passed away.”
Tears filled Madeleine’s eyes once again. “I hated that I missed the service for her, especially after I had missed my grandfather’s funeral too. I was on my way home from overseas when she died, and I didn’t get home in time. My mom said it was lovely, though.”
“It was.” He paused. “Emma was upset for a long time. She cried and cried about Martha. I didn’t know how to help her. Your mammi meant a lot to her.”
“I imagine Emma meant a lot to her too.” Madeleine thought back to the time she spent with her grandmother. “Whenever I visited here as a child, my mammi let me stay in my mother’s room. I wore my mother’s Amish clothes, and I went to service with my grandparents. Sometimes my mammi would accidentally call me Leah. She would have
tears in her eyes, and she would say I looked just like my mother.”
Saul nodded slowly. “It had to be difficult for her to see you and think of Leah.”
“Did she ever talk to you about my mother?” Madeleine asked.
“Sometimes she’d mention Leah and say that she missed her. I told her I understood because, well—” He paused for a moment, and she wondered if he was thinking of Annie and her abandonment. “My bruder had left.”
Madeleine longed to ask him about Annie, but she didn’t want to say too much. She didn’t want to ruin their budding friendship. “It has to be challenging for you to raise Emma alone.”
Saul’s expression hardened and his shoulders stiffened. He took the clipboard from her and studied the sketches. Madeleine immediately regretted her words. She’d said something that upset him, and she groped for a subject that would make it better.
“You’ve done a wonderful job with Emma,” Madeleine continued. “She’s a lovely girl.”
“Let me show you the estimate,” he said, flipping to the last page on the clipboard. “Does this work for your budget?” He handed the clipboard back to her.
In a flash, his warm, friendly demeanor was gone, and he was all business. Annie was a forbidden subject. Madeleine yearned to take back what she’d said. She longed for the closeness she’d felt with him while they were talking in the spare room.
“Saul.” She studied his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Take a look at the estimate.” He tapped the paper. “Does this work for you?”
Madeleine craned her neck and studied the document. “This is fine. How much do you need now to start the job?”
He pointed toward the last line on the document. “There’s the deposit. Does that work for you?”
“Yes. I’ll write you a check.” She headed into the spare room and fished her checkbook out of the desk. She sank into the desk chair and sighed. Why did she have to ruin the nice conversation she was enjoying with Saul? He had a warm heart, and he loved his daughter. She saw glimpses of the kind and gentle man he most likely had been when he was first married. She wanted to get to know him better, but he had built a wall around his heart after his wife abandoned him and Emma. She prayed that she could see beyond that wall and maybe even melt his heart.
Saul stared after Madeleine as she left the kitchen, guilt filling his heart. He knew he’d hurt her feelings when he abruptly changed the subject, but he couldn’t bring himself to discuss Annie. The subject was too painful, and opening up that wound made him too vulnerable.
Yet he had immediately felt remorseful when he’d glimpsed the hurt in Madeleine’s eyes. She, too, had been hurt by someone, but he wasn’t ready to share his feelings about Annie’s abandonment with anyone. It was best to keep those feelings close to his shattered heart.
The storm door opened and shut with a bang, and Emma stood in the mudroom doorway with a frown creasing her sweet face.
“Dat?” Emma’s voice was shaky. “I was looking for you at the shop.”
“Emma?” He opened his arms to her. “Was iss letz, mei liewe?”
A tear trickled down her cheek.
“Kumm,” he said.
She stepped into his hug, and a sob broke from her throat.
“Emma?” Madeleine appeared in the doorway, holding a check in her hand. “What happened?” She turned to Saul. “Is she okay?”
Saul shook his head. “I don’t know what’s wrong.” He looked down at his daughter and then pulled her next to him as he sat down on a chair. “What’s wrong, Emma? Please tell me.”
Madeleine pulled a chair up next to them. “Are you okay, Emma?” She touched Emma’s arm. “Do you want me to leave so you can talk to your dat alone?”
“No, you can stay.” Emma wiped her eyes. “It’s Jacob. He made fun of me again on the playground.”
“Who’s Jacob?” Madeleine asked.
“He’s a mean bu at my school.” Emma’s face twisted into a scowl. “He makes comments to me every day. Today was worse.” Her eyes flooded with tears again. “He laughed when I fell on the playground, and then he called me a wimpy maedel when I couldn’t hit the softball. He embarrassed me in front of everyone. I yelled at him, and he kept laughing at me.”
Saul felt frustration boil inside of him. He knew he couldn’t shield her from all the hurt in the world, but he was determined to try.
“You should talk to Teacher Lillian,” Saul said. “Tell her how much Jacob hurts your feelings. If that doesn’t work, then I’ll talk to Jacob’s parents.”
Madeleine rubbed Emma’s arm. “I had a boy tease me when I was about your age.”
“You did?” Emma sniffed and wiped her hand over her eyes again. “What did you do?”
“Well, I talked to my teacher, and she said she’d talk to him.” Madeleine pushed back a lock of Emma’s hair that had fallen from her prayer covering. “But I found something that worked better than that.”
“What was it?” Emma asked with curiosity.
“I ignored him,” Madeleine explained. “That did more good than talking to my teacher or her talking to his parents.”
Emma tilted her head and studied Madeleine. “Why would that work?”
“It would work because he wants to see you get angry. He’s saying mean things and making fun of you to get a rise out of you. It’s a game, and in his eyes, he wins when you get angry. He wants to see you upset because then he thinks he’s the coolest kid in the class. If you ignore him, then he loses and you win the game.” While she spoke, Madeleine took a paper napkin from the holder in the center of the table and gently wiped away Emma’s tears.
The sweet gesture caused Saul’s heart to warm. At that moment, he was overwhelmed with admiration for Madeleine.
“You’re saying that I should just ignore him?” Emma asked.
“Right.” Madeleine nodded. “That way you don’t give him the power to hurt you.”
“Should I still tell my teacher how he embarrasses me?” Emma asked.
“Ya,” Saul chimed in. “I think you need to tell your teacher.” He met Madeleine’s gaze, and she nodded in agreement.
“You should tell your teacher, but make sure you’re in private when you tell her. Don’t let Jacob hear you tell her that you’re upset. He can’t know how much he hurts you because then he wins.” Madeleine touched Emma’s shoulder. “Do you think you can be strong and not show your emotions?”
“Ya, I can do it.” Emma wrapped her arms around Madeleine’s neck and hugged her close. “Danki.”
“You’re welcome.” Madeleine smiled. “I’m happy to help.”
“Maddie,” Emma said, “you’re my best grown-up friend.”
Saul’s shoulders stiffened. He and his daughter were getting too emotionally involved with Madeleine. She was a nice person, someone who had been hurt like him, but she was making her way into their hearts, and this could only lead to trouble. He had to find a way to pull away from her—if it wasn’t too late.
“Danki, Emma.” Madeleine’s eyes shimmered, and Saul wondered if she was going to cry. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.” She wiped her own eyes and then turned to Saul. “Here’s my check.” She held out the small piece of paper, and her voice quaked. “Let me know when you need more money.”
“Danki.” He slipped the check onto the clipboard. “I’ll get started on the cabinets right away. It should take me about two weeks to build them and the counter, and then I’ll need to take these old cabinets down.”
“What are we making for supper tonight?” Emma asked.
“Oh.” Madeleine glanced at Saul. “I don’t know if you have plans . . .”
“How about we make something at our haus tonight?” Emma looked at her father. “Would it be okay if Maddie and I cooked at our haus tonight?”
Saul hesitated as he turned to Madeleine. Her expression was tentative. Did she feel the tension clenching his jaw?
“Please, Dat?” Emma folded her
hands as if to pray.
He felt stuck between his eager daughter and his determination not to let Madeleine worm her way any further into their lives.
“We can try for another night,” Madeleine said.
“Why not tonight?” Emma frowned. “Do you have plans?”
“Tonight is fine.” Saul stood. “I have work to do, but you two can figure out a menu. We have plenty of food at our haus. I went to the market earlier today.”
“Ya.” Emma clapped. “I know exactly what we can make.”
Madeleine dried the last of the dishes and placed them in a cabinet while Emma still prattled on about school and her friends. All during supper she’d wondered how she could make Saul see that she’d never meant to cross the line with him or hurt his feelings by asking about his former wife. She couldn’t stand the distance between them. He’d avoided her gaze and studied his plate the whole time they were eating.
“Supper was appeditlich,” Saul said as he stood by the mudroom door. “I’m going to go out in the shop for a little while.”
“Don’t stay out too late, Dat,” Emma said, sounding like his mother instead of his daughter. “You need your rest.”
Saul’s mouth turned up in a slight smile. “I promise I won’t.” He turned to Madeleine and gave her a halfhearted nod. “Gut nacht, Madeleine.”
Madeleine stiffened at the sound of her formal name. She couldn’t stand the awkwardness, and she wouldn’t sleep until their friendship was back on track.
He disappeared through the door, and Madeleine turned to Emma.
“I think I’m going to head home,” she said. “I need to do a few things before I go to bed.”
“Okay.” Emma smiled up at her. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Yes, you will,” Madeleine agreed. “Now, remember what I said about the bully. Be sure to stand your ground with him, and don’t let him get to you. Let me know what happens.”
“Okay.” Emma gave her a quick hug. “Gut nacht.”
“Gut nacht.” Madeleine pulled on her coat and hurried outside. She was going to talk to Saul and set things straight before she headed home.
