by Amy Clipston
“And this hurts you.” Ruth filled in the blanks.
“I’m crushed,” Madeleine said. “Saul and I were becoming close. I had told him about my fiancé committing suicide, and he had shared with me what happened with Annie.”
Ruth cupped her hand to her mouth. “I had no idea your fiancé had committed suicide. I’m very sorry.”
“Thank you.” Madeleine cleared her throat as a lump swelled. “That’s why I moved here. I needed to start over and try to find a way to cope with the loss.”
“I can’t imagine the pain you’ve felt after losing him.”
“I was finally feeling better, but then . . . I never imagined Saul would cut me off like this.” Madeleine pointed toward the clock. “That’s why I missed lunch. I feel like my heart has been punched. Saul and Emma have come to mean a lot to me. They were like my surrogate family. I shared things with Saul that I had never told anyone. In fact, in some ways, I’ve felt closer to Saul than I did to Travis. When I talked to Saul, I knew he was truly listening to me. Travis was distant, especially after he returned from serving overseas. I think I connected with Saul on a deeper level because we both had experienced a great loss. Saul’s friendship meant so much to me, but now it’s gone.”
Ruth frowned. “I’m sorry, Madeleine. I don’t know what to say.”
“Why would he do this?” Madeleine asked. “We had such a nice time on Thanksgiving. I was wondering if they would consider having Christmas dinner with me, but I guess I’ll be alone on Christmas.”
“You don’t need to be alone. I would be happy to invite you over for Christmas.”
Madeleine shook her head. “You don’t need to do that. I might look into a flight home to see my mom and stepdad.” She paused. “How can he go from inviting me to spend a holiday with him and his daughter to telling me he doesn’t want his daughter to visit me because he’s afraid I’ll tempt Emma to leave the community?”
“I think he’s scared of getting too close to you,” Ruth explained. “He lost Annie, and that made him leery of getting too close to any woman. And he’s afraid Emma will want to learn more about your English background and then consider leaving the church.”
“I’m a good person, Ruth.” Madeleine shook her head. “I adore Emma. We had a lot of fun cooking together. I thought maybe she’d help me plant a garden in the spring.” She considered her home. “I’m almost living like an Amish person. I don’t have any electricity, and I went to a service on Sunday. How can I be a bad influence?”
Madeleine stared toward the large, sliding-glass door that led out to the balcony a moment before turning back to her friend. “My mother told me to be careful, and Sylvia Smucker asked me to be careful with Saul’s heart. I didn’t understand then why they warned me, but now I do. I care for Saul too much.”
“I’m sorry, Madeleine.” Ruth shook her head and frowned. “He can’t be with you unless one of you makes a sacrifice.”
“I know. Thanks for listening. I’ll just have to learn to live without them in my life.” Madeleine stood. “I’d better get back to cleaning.”
“Madeleine,” Ruth began. “Give him time. Maybe he’ll realize you can be friends without crossing a line into dangerous territory.”
Madeleine nodded. “I think I need to just go about my business and let him come to me. Maybe it will get easier.”
“It will.” Ruth touched her arm. “Pray for him.”
“I will,” Madeleine promised. “I always do.”
The two weeks since Saul had told Madeleine they could no longer be friends had passed at a painful snail’s pace for him. Not only had Saul hammered his fingers more than once while building her cabinets, but the project had also kept Madeleine in the forefront of his mind. The mental picture of her dressed plainly at the church service stayed in his head almost constantly.
Truth be told, he’d wanted to get the cabinets finished as quickly as possible because he looked forward to working in her kitchen again. But now on this Monday afternoon, he’d finally completed his work and told himself he needed to get the installation over and done with. He had to keep his resolve to sever the ties they’d built over the last couple of months.
Saul stepped outside his shop, spotted Madeleine’s truck in the driveway, and started toward her house. He hoped to work on installing the cabinets even while she was at work so he could keep their contact to a minimum. He prayed he could install them in a couple of weeks’ time at the most.
Saul climbed the steps to Madeleine’s back porch and knocked on the door. When she appeared, clad in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt, he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she was. Her thick, dark hair cascaded past her shoulders, and he couldn’t take his eyes off of it for a moment. He longed to feel the texture of her hair. Was it as soft as it looked? What did it smell like?
“Saul,” she said, her eyes open wide. “Hi.”
“Uh, I have your cabinets ready to install,” he said. “I was wondering if I could get a key so I could work even when you’re at the hotel.”
“That would be fine. My days at the hotel are usually Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, so I work tomorrow.” Madeleine opened the storm door and motioned for him to step into the house. “Come on into the kitchen. I’ll find the spare key.”
She went on through to the hallway, and he stood in the kitchen, glancing around and remembering the meals they had shared there. He missed those times, but he needed to forget them. It was better that way.
She reappeared a few minutes later and handed him a single key on a round key chain with an M hanging from it. Her fingers brushed his, and he felt a spark ignite between them. He quickly jammed the key into his pocket.
“Danki.” Saul cleared his throat. “I’ll start by removing your old cabinets tomorrow. Would you please empty them out tonight?”
“Sure,” Madeleine said, her determined eyes boring into his. “How’s Emma?”
“She’s gut.” He gave her a stiff nod. “I’ll get started first thing tomorrow. What time do you leave for work?”
“I normally leave around seven, but you can come over anytime. It’s not a problem.”
“I’ll be here after seven.” He started for the door.
“Saul,” she called after him.
He faced her, anxious about what she wanted. Would she say something that would melt his heart and cause him to be tempted again?
“How long do you think the installation will take?” she asked.
He shrugged. “Approximately two weeks. I’ll do it as quickly as I can, and I’ll see when the plumber can come in and take care of your sink. I also wondered if you wanted me to paint before I put up the new cabinets. I can go by the home improvement store and pick up some white to match what you currently have on your kitchen walls.”
“That sounds fine. I’m okay with any shade of white.” She looked down at the table where a stack of papers sat. “Whenever I’m here, I’ll do my best to stay out of your way so you can finish without any interference from me.”
“Oh.” He wasn’t sure how to take her comment. “That will be fine. But I’ll do my best to finish quickly and before you return home on the days you work.”
“Fine. Have a good night. Tell Emma I said hi.” Madeleine stayed at the far end of the kitchen while he headed out through the mudroom.
Saul fingered the key in his pocket as he walked home. He was glad she’d given him the spare key. Now he had a way to avoid Madeleine, at least on the days she was at work. The intensity in her eyes was almost too much to bear. He missed her friendship. He longed for their special talks. Every day he thought of something he wanted to share with her, but he knew he couldn’t dare take the chance. His feelings for her went much deeper than what he ever felt for Annie. He could never open his heart to her.
He gripped the key in his pocket. With that key he would lock his heart away from Madeleine. He didn’t want to work on the cabinets with her in the house. He was better off working alone wheneve
r he could, when she wasn’t there to remind him of how much he longed to be with her.
The following afternoon, Madeleine returned home from work and was surprised to find Saul still there in her kitchen. His back was to her as he pulled another of the old cabinets down. His shoulders were broad, and his back was muscular as he moved. She stood in the doorway of the mudroom in awe.
When he turned to face her, she quickly looked away and pulled off her coat.
“I didn’t hear you come in,” Saul said. “I got a late start, but I’m almost done.”
“Take your time. I’ll stay out of your way.”
Madeleine put her keys in her coat pocket, hung up her coat, dropped her tote bag on the floor, and started for the hallway. She quickly moved past him, careful not to trip over the broken cabinets or the pile of tools.
She hurried to her bedroom, forcefully closing and locking the door behind her. She quickly changed into running pants and a long-sleeve workout shirt, hung up her work clothes, and grabbed her phone. As she sat down on the bed, she punched in her mother’s number. She had made a decision about the holidays today, and it was time to tell her parents the news.
After four rings, her call went to voice mail, and she heard her mother’s voice. “You’ve reached Leah McMillan. I can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave me a message. Thanks!”
“Hey, Mom.” Madeleine flopped onto her back, allowing her head to hit the pillow. “I’m coming home for Christmas. I hope that’s okay. I really miss you and Jack, and I thought it was the best time to come.” She paused, gathering her confused thoughts. “I know this is really last minute, but I hope it’s okay. I’ll fly home on the 23rd and then come back on the 29th. Give me a call when you get this message. Bye, Mom.”
Madeleine disconnected the call and dropped her phone onto the bed. She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. She missed her parents, but truthfully she just couldn’t bear to spend Christmas alone. Going home to her family made the most sense, even though she was going home with her tail between her legs. Even though she’d told her mother she was certain she belonged here in Amish Country, now she knew she’d failed. Still, she wasn’t giving up. She’d regroup and make this place her home. After the holidays.
Madeleine rolled onto her side and stared at the wall. She couldn’t go back out to the kitchen with Saul there. Seeing him was torture. Instead, she would hide in her room until he left. It was childish, but hiding was easier than looking into the face of the person who had caused her such heartache.
Madeleine disappeared down the hallway. After getting a late start because of some new orders that came in that morning, Saul had been so engrossed in his work that he hadn’t heard the door open, and she’d surprised him. But then she was gone in a flash. Her bedroom door slammed, and then the lock clicked.
After several minutes, her voice sounded through the door. He didn’t mean to listen to her conversation, but the small house made it difficult not to overhear.
His mouth dropped open when she said she was going home to California for Christmas. The news was like a knife slicing into his heart. Why would she go there after she said she had to save her money for the cabinets? Why had she decided to go at the last minute? The questions continued to echo through his mind while he took down the last of the old cabinets before preparing the walls for painting.
What was she was doing back there? Was she upset? Did she need someone to talk to?
Why did he care? He couldn’t be her friend. He needed to do his job and not worry about her. This was strictly business. He had been hired to do a job, and he was going to do it.
Madeleine stared at the ceiling while she listened to Saul working in the kitchen. After several minutes, she pulled her Bible from her nightstand and began to read it. Reading her Bible always provided her comfort and strength when she was serving overseas. She found her way to the second book of Thessalonians, and two verses in the second chapter seemed to speak to her. She read them out loud.
“ ‘May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.’ ”
The Scripture verses rang through her. She needed to keep Jesus in the forefront of her thoughts and not worry about her friendship with Saul. Jesus would take care of her and lead her down the correct path.
She closed her eyes. Lord, please help me. I thought my heartache after losing Travis had healed, but now I have a brand-new one. I miss Saul and Emma more than I ever imagined I would. It hurts to see them. Please help me navigate through this heartache. Only you can give me the strength I need to find happiness. I thought you had led me to Amish Country to start over again, but now I’m lost and hurting once again. Where do I belong, God? Will I ever find anyone who will love me? Am I even worthy of love? Help me, Lord. Amen.
After she prayed, she continued reading. Soon the noise in the kitchen subsided, and she assumed Saul was gone. She needed to go figure out what to make for supper.
When she entered the kitchen, she saw that all the old cabinets had been removed from the wall, but only a couple of them were on the floor. Where were the others? Why was it so cold in there?
She found the storm door propped open and saw Saul positioning the old cabinets outside. He had taken them out on the porch, seemed to be making room for the last one, and was sure to come right back in. Madeleine went back to the kitchen and examined the last two cabinets. She lifted one in an attempt to take it out to the porch for him. She was prepared to do anything to get him out of her house for the day.
She hefted the cabinet into her arms, and her eyes widened. It was much heavier than she had imagined. She wasn’t certain how she was going to get to the door without injuring her back.
“Stop.” Saul came up behind her. “I’ll take that.”
“I’ve got it,” she muttered.
“Don’t be stubborn,” he snapped. “I’ll carry it. I’m taking all of them out to the porch so I can get out of your way. I need to hurry. It’s cold with the storm door propped open.”
Saul reached around her and took the cabinet. As he grabbed it, his arm rubbed up against hers, and she felt his body heat radiate through her sleeve. His sinewy arm moved down hers, and she shivered at the contact, not at the cold air coming in from outside. She quickly stepped aside and averted her eyes, trying to recover from the thrill of his touch. Why was she attracted to someone she couldn’t have? It was pure torture.
He carried the cabinet out to the porch and then walked back into the kitchen, his expression full of determination.
“Where are you taking the old cabinets?” she asked, rubbing her arms against the cold air.
“To my shop, if that’s okay with you. I can make something out of them.”
“That’s fine. Why don’t you load them into the bed of my truck, and I’ll drive them down to your shop?” she offered.
He shook his head. “I was going to go get a wagon and a horse.”
“Don’t be silly.” She pointed toward the door. “I’ll back my truck up to the porch, and we can load up the cabinets. It’s no trouble at all. Then I’ll come hold the storm door open for you while you take out the last cabinet.”
He gave her a quick nod. “Fine.”
His curt response and stoic expression cut her to the bone. How could he have gone from being her good friend to treating her like a stranger in only a few days? He could turn his emotions on and off like a light switch. How could he be so unfeeling? She could never turn her emotions off the way he did. She’d never understand Saul, and she was only hurting herself by trying to analyze him.
“I’ll get my truck,” she said as she moved past him before grabbing her coat and closing the storm door behind her.
Madeleine backed her truck up to the porch and then climbed the steps to the row of cabinets, shelves, and doors. She opened the storm door for Saul to bring out the last cabinet
.
“Do you want me to start loading them into the truck bed?” she asked as she closed the door behind him.
“You can’t lift them.” He set the cabinet down. “I’ll load them.”
“I’m a nurse. I used to lift patients and equipment.” She pointed toward the cabinet doors. “I’ll load the doors and shelves.”
“Fine,” he said.
Madeleine placed the doors and shelves into the bed of the truck while Saul loaded the cabinets. She tried her best to avoid touching him, but they brushed past each other a couple of times. Once all the cabinets were loaded, she climbed into the driver’s seat, and Saul got in beside her.
They drove the short distance in silence. When they reached the shop, Madeleine unloaded the shelves and doors and placed them on a workbench while Saul carried in the cabinets and set them at the far end of the large room. After everything was unloaded, she went outside, slammed the truck’s tailgate, and glanced across the property. Was Emma home? If so, then was she instructed to avoid all contact with Madeleine?
“I’ll start painting tomorrow, and once it’s dry, I’ll start installing the new cabinets.”
Madeleine glanced over her shoulder to where Saul stood in the shop doorway. “Sounds great.” She started for the driver’s side door and then faced him. “Tell Emma I said hi.”
He nodded and then disappeared into the shop.
NINETEEN
Saul’s shoes crunched the rock driveway, and the crisp morning air tickled his nose as he headed toward Madeleine’s house. His gaze fell on her pickup truck, and he scowled. Although he knew she didn’t work on Wednesdays, he’d hoped she would be out running errands this morning, maybe even for the whole day. He gripped the cold metal handle of his toolbox in one hand and a can of paint in the other as he climbed the steps leading to her back door. After opening the storm door and knocking, he waited for her to come.
