by A. C. Bextor
When I finally found Ace the night Hood told me what had happened, I also found out Ace was inviting himself into Sadey’s life. I was torn. She was happy again … smiling and laughing – fuck, she was showing emotions again. My doubts plagued me. Deciding on whether to go to California and find Hem, not knowing what mental state he was in, or letting Sadey wake up and realize Ace loved her. He didn’t love her with the intensity that Hem did, but no one ever would. She could have learned to love him though. He treated her well, and his intentions were good, but this was Sadey, and she’s been Hem’s girl in some form since she was five years old.
After talking to Honor, Gunner, Ace, and Hood it was decided. We were going to get him and bring him home – the repercussions of this be damned.
~~~~~
Pulling up outside Ace’s small apartment complex, my emotions are swirling. What if he’s not here and I’m walking into nothing and setting up false hope? Losing him once tore my world apart, but losing him again would shake the very core that held me together.
Knocking twice, I hear a young girl in the background, yelling at someone to turn the music down. Once she opens the door her eyes widen in complete shock. Leave it to Ace, not to send a heads up to his family that we were on our way.
“We don’t have any money.”
What the fuck?
“Who are you?”
“I’m uhhh…” I’ve scared her with my tone, and normally, talking this way to a teenage girl is out of character; especially a girl that is looking at me like I plan to make her my next snack.
“I’m a friend of your brothers. You Sarah?”
“Yeah, but … I don’t know you.”
“I’m Shame, so now you do.”
“You’re Shame? Ohmigod! I do know you. I mean I don’t, but I do. I’ve heard all about you. You’re like a legend here. Hem tells us stories…”
My face gets hard. Hearing Hem’s name used in the present tense is sending my personal emotions to the wolves, and all I can see in my mind’s eye are Sadey and Patrick, back at the house, living alone. I’m pissed off.
“Get him.”
“I’m sorry … I…”
“Get … him … now.”
“Okay.”
She opens the door wider so I can get through, and as I walk in, I can see that Hem’s living conditions are less than favorable. It appears the couch has been his bed, and the corner holds his valuables. Before I can give a thought back to Sarah and the fear I just put into her, I hear Hem’s voice as he attempts to calm an excited teenager.
“Whose here?”
“I said Shame is here. Like, right there kinda of here. Look!”
Hem and I lock eyes for the first time in seven months. He’s alive, but doesn’t look as though he’s been living. He’s lost weight; his hair is too fuckin’ long, and he’s pale in color. His clothes are shit, and the brother hasn’t shaved in weeks. What the fuck am I walking into?
“Shame?”
I don’t answer. I can’t. I’m pissed off, but at the same time I want to cry. He’s standing over a skillet, casually making dinner, apparently for Sarah, and I’ve no words to say. He puts down the bowl he was holding and moves around the kitchen counter, walking towards us. Honor and Gunner are still outside, holding guard in case someone here is watching Hem. It’s just us … and Ace’s sister, who, by my assessment, is only about twelve or thirteen.
Still speechless, Hem doesn’t stop coming at me. Once his arms come around me in a rough hug, I react. We are brothers, and I’ve held him several times throughout our lives, but this isn’t our usual man hug - this isn’t a macho man hug. This hold we have on each other at this moment is a homecoming … an embrace speaking to the heart of friendship and understanding.
At this moment, I don’t give a flying fuck if I’m no longer acting as a man. I’m letting it out right here and now, in front of anyone that may be in witness to this. Tears are streaming down my face as I close my eyes, freeing them to fall. Hem’s body is shuddering, the same as mine. He’s gripping the back of my shirt so tight, I’m struggling to breathe as it pulls at my neck from behind. Through my own sobs and movement, I can’t make out all the words coming from Hem, but I hear him thanking God for sending me to help him find his way home.
We don’t talk for a few seconds, and finally pull away. Gathering my senses and letting my thoughts clear, I feel a tug of anger. My body stiffens as I look in his face. It’s hollow. I’m pissed because he left us and did something stupid, like going to Warren without me. I’m pissed because he let us believe he was dead. I’m further pissed because Sadey is at home struggling with an infant, doing the best she can without the one person in her life that she loves the most, and finally, I’m pissed because my best friend and brother looks broken. He looks tattered and completely empty – a shell of his former self.
With my anger not subsiding as I had hoped it would, I grab the neck cuff of his ratty, stained, grey sweatshirt and shake him - moving him to the wall beside the front door and pushing him against it. Sarah lets out a small cry, and before I can throw my first punch of anger and heartache, Honor comes barreling through the door, grabbing my arm before I can give it any forward movement.
“Shame! What the fuck are you doing?” Honor doesn’t swear too much. He’s a good, honest, and kind hearted kid. These traits aren’t usually found among our group of plenty, so it’s that tone and those words that bring me around to what the fuck is happening here.
Hem is motionless, with no fight in him to give. He sounds uncertain and almost conquered. “Hit me, Shame. Makes you feel better, do it. I’ve earned it.”
Removing my hands from his chest, I straighten my cut and send a quick glare to Honor, who is looking at me with distaste at the display I’ve caused in front of Ace’s little sister. “I’m not going to hit you … fuck, I want to though. Bastard! What the fuck are you doing here? You have a son now, for fuck’s sake. How the fuck am I looking at you, when you’re supposed to be dead and gone? God damn it, Hem! Tell me what the fuck is going on!”
“I thought Hood told you. I thought, by being here in front of me now that you already knew. I didn’t think you’d show up here, though. Why are you here? What didn’t Hood fuckin’ tell you, Shame, because by you being here, it means you’re not home watching my girls.”
Now Hem wants to throw down his anger. No fuckin’ way.
“Yeah … Hood told me everything, brother. He told me, and I had to sit and listen to that shit from his mouth, not yours. What the fuck is that about, huh? You didn’t trust me, of all the people in your life, Hem? You didn’t trust me?”
My voice is shaking again, and I’m about to lose myself to more emotion and I don’t have the time.
“We’re leaving. You’re going home. We had a long ride here and sure as shit another long ride back, and you’re going to explain every fuckin’ detail about what I’ve missed. This is shit, Hem.”
His face is still empty. Refusing to answer any of my questions or meet any of my demands, he asks. “How are they?”
He’s missed my every word. Seeing me, it’s that same photograph that Sadey saw when she looked at Mace and me standing in front of her. Her portion, the heart, was missing from the picture, and she searched us to find it again. He’s doing the same. It doesn’t matter how angry or hurt I am. I could beat him until he couldn’t talk, walk, or move, but he would only be searching the picture for Sadey, and now his son.
“They’re breathing. Hem, I don’t know anymore. She doesn’t say much, other than she likes to sleep because she sees your face and hears your voice. You’re alive and talking to her there. She’s a mother now, but I swear to Christ she’s also a scared teenage girl walking around lost, afraid, and alone. Which is why we leave in twenty.”
Hem looks to Ace’s sister, Sarah. Her eyes are swollen with big heavy tears. She and Hem must have spent some time together, and she’s realizing that his forever isn’t here with her and her grandmother.<
br />
Once Hem catches sight of this, he nods to me in understanding that I’m to keep my mouth shut. I oblige because I don’t know the details of this life here.
“Squirt, c’mere.”
She sighs, and in doing so, has released the hold of tears that were suffering on her lids.
“You’re leaving now, aren’t you? You’re leaving, and you’re not coming back.”
“I am. I need to go home.”
She looks towards the floor to her feet, her voice full of heartache. “Yeah, thought so.”
“Take care of yourself. Stay out of trouble. I don’t want to hear any stories of any more boys, or parties, either. You’re a kid … be a kid. Hold everything down here - Ace will be back soon.”
“Can you take me with you? Cause I can pack a bag and we…”
“No. You’re stayin’ put. Netta Bean is here. She needs you.”
Fuck, these two did get close, and I’m realizing that Ace does have his hands a bit full back here. I don’t see this ‘Netta Bean’ anywhere, but I’m assuming that’s the grandmother Ace was telling us about. Hem looks sad to leave his new little friend. She must have been his only companion, and because of that they’ve bonded, and he’s breaking her by leaving.
“Hem, it’s time. We need to go. All this shit happening we can’t afford to just stay here and hang out.”
Hem nods, but doesn’t lose eye contact with Sarah. They share a small smile, most likely sharing some inside joke about me, but I don’t give a fuck.
She reaches for him and holds tight … in that hug, I envision flashbacks of Mace and Sadey at that age, and the love they felt for Hem and I – definitely time to go back home to the girls.
Hem grabs nothing more than a heap of clothes next to the couch. “Let’s go.”
I let Hem lead us out, and right before I shut the door behind me, I wink at Sarah, who is now smiling as she realizes that her new friend is about to get his ‘Happily Ever After.’ Then from nowhere she bolts out onto the stairwell that leads us down to the parking lot.
“Hem! Wait! What do I tell Sylvie when she comes back looking for you? She’s been gone two days now … I don’t know where she’s at or when she’s coming back, but she’s gonna ask.”
Hem stops, turns around, and from the bottom stair looks up to Sarah standing a floor up, and smiles as he tells her. “You just tell her to fuck off. That’s what you tell her.”
Sarah laughs … loud and genuine. Whatever the inside joke is I’m happy to miss it, because I remember Mace and Sadey at that age, and there was a lot of shit that came out of those mouths that I wanted no part of.
We’re not sticking around to find out. Hem can explain on the way.
~~~~~
Sadey and Hem got their happily ever after, and I’m about to get mine. I have less than one hour to get my ass to the church.
I’m going to get my girl.
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
-Albert Camus
After getting ready, I see I have just about twenty minutes to spare. I can’t walk out there in front of all those people without seeing her first. She’s my peace, and today has been anything but peaceful. Most of the guys are dressed and already at the altar, waiting for the big event to start, except for Hem.
“You ready, brother?”
Hem’s nervous. He’s fidgeting, and the only reason he’s not off the chart insane right now is because he has Sadey wrapped around his middle, as best she can be with that ball of a baby blocking her from complete contact. She’s pissed that Mace wouldn’t wait for her to deliver, but Mace insisted Sadey was going to be alright and had chosen a dress that fit her full figure. Mace didn’t want to risk our luck and delay the wedding any longer than necessary. Sadey is still mad.
I nod to him in response. I feel Sadey’s green eyes hammering into me, searching, waiting for me to bolt. Her vote of confidence doesn’t cast a shadow right now.
With his free arm, Hem slaps my back hard as I stand beside him. “Then let’s get you hitched today.”
Sadey unwraps herself from him long enough to walk to me and envelope me in a tight squeeze. I bend to her so I can kiss her temple and hug her back. I feel her hiccup under me; I recognize this. Fuck, she’s already starting to cry.
Looking over her head, I smile at Hem as he rolls his eyes and mimics her tears.
After leaving the comfort and safety of my friends, I see that I’m about to walk into the dragon’s den. Sadey’s mother of all people.
Shit.
“Neil Carrick you’re not going in there! She’s not ready, and you’re going to upset her. Do you want to upset the bride before her big day?”
Jesus, do all women assume the wedding day is for them alone? Damn.
“Mrs. Lyons, I’m going to try to be nice. I realize you don’t know me, which means you don’t know how much energy it takes for me to be any kind of nice when I want something, but if you don’t move the fuck out of my way, I’m going to move you myself.”
I’ve stunned her. Mrs. Lyons and I don’t converse. We aren’t friends, only because neither she nor I ever took the time to get to know one another. I had a mom – hated her. I had Lynda – she died. So, at this point, I don’t need a hat trick of sadness or hurt in the way of mothers in my life. I’m good with this.
She pales and gasps. “Whhhha … well, I just never … Neil, we are in the house of God! You can’t talk like that.”
Giving her a shit eating grin, I raise my eyebrows and reiterate to her, just as I would her daughter. “Mrs. Lyons? You’re still not moving.”
Pursing her lips and moving her hands to her hips she orders. “I’m going in with you then. You’re not going to trouble her.”
“Woman, you’re not. I’m going to see Mace, and I’m doin’ it alone. Go find Sadey, I think her dress just tore or some shit.”
Her face immediately blanches in terror. Like mother, like daughter.
Apparently, Sadey gets her spunk and sass from her mother. I have a sudden urge to pull Mr. Lyons outside for a big supportive man hug. Fuck, maybe an intervention – he most likely needs his balls back. Poor guy.
I walk into this monstrosity of a bathroom, and my eyes scan the room, looking for Mace. It isn’t until I close the door that I see her on the other side of it, looking into a full length mirror. There is shit everywhere, which is telling me that Sadey has been mothering and primping Mace all damn day long. Fuck, I thought I was the one that would bolt today, but she had every reason to jump out the small bathroom window, just because she’s had to deal with Sadey and her mother.
“Shame? What are you doing in here? How did you even get in here? Mrs. Lyons is driving me crazy! How did you get by her?”
I stop and take her in; I’m not listening to her words. “Beautiful.” It’s all I can say. And she is. Mace is breath-taking, but she didn’t need makeup or a dress for that. All she has to do is say my name, and it makes her beautiful to me.
She looks down and her face blushes from the embarrassment of my comment. No matter her age, I still touch her with my compliments. “I was kicking around the idea of getting married today. What are you doing in here?”
She smiles with her reply. “A lot of the same.”
“C’mere, baby.”
She walks to me, dragging the train of her dress behind her. I’m a man, and I’m no expert in wedding dresses. I get they are supposed to be beautiful, frilly, and all that shit, but this one that Mace chose is just fuckin’ hot. Short in front, showing off those sexy, tan, athletic legs, but long in the back. The dress is snug on top, showing enough cleavage that I know I’m going to be watching for spectators that would choose to risk a black eye or broken tooth by looking too long. She’s in heels. Mace hates heel, but this is her day, so either Sadey has glued them to her feet, or Mace is actually excited enough to dress like the princ
ess that she is.
“I love you.” It’s all I can say. In the comfort of this moment words don’t need saying, but on the way here I realized that, after the day I’ve had reflecting on my life of hell, she needs to know she’s my saving grace. That sounds corny, but it’s the God’s honest truth.
“I love you. Is everything good? You’re good?”
“I am. Mace, before we go out there … I just need you to know…”
She interrupts my thought, not letting me finish. “What? What’s wrong?” Her face is set firm, and she’s nervous about what I’m about to say. But it’s not what she’s thinking.
“Sweetheart, those people out there - they aren’t why I’m here. I’m here because you brought me here.” I shake my head in search of the words that I had rehearsed in my head on the way over. “This life that you’ve given me is more than I ever thought possible. You’re everything I’ve ever needed, and fuck if you didn’t always give that to me, even when I didn’t deserve it.”
“Shame…” I give her a gentle squeeze, a non-verbal way of telling her I need her to let me finish.
Moving my hand to her cheek, framing this moment, I hold it softly and continue, while feeling her pulse quicken and her flesh heat beneath my fingertips. “Those people out there, Mace? They mean nothing to me. Since I’ve known you, my life has held far more meaning than I ever thought it could. When I’m lost, you find me. When I’m broken, you put me back together in such a way that I’m stronger for it. So many times, while Hem was gone, I thought about what my life would be without you in it – had it been you that left. The thought shattered me, baby. It’s not just the way you love me, Mace. It’s the way you let me love you. I’m intense, quick tempered, possessive, and God knows I can be an ass.”
She smiles at the last remark, but her eyes are shining as she listens to my pledge – that’s meant for only her to hear. This isn’t a vow for others to receive, just like the love I have for her isn’t for others to receive. This day isn’t just about the ritual of marriage. This day is about feeding my soul, and in doing that, letting hers join with mine.
