by Rick Riordan
Avoid the sun’s rays.
(The cradle will rock.)
Cuddle an urchin,
(When the bough breaks)
Snuggle a shark.
(The cradle will fall.)
Just stay down below
(And down will come baby)
And sleep in the dark.
(Cradle and all.)
Please stay sleeping, please stay sleeping,
(Are you sleeping, are you sleeping,)
Jormungand, Jormungand!
(Brother John, Brother John?)
Shut your eyes so tightly!
(Morning bells are ringing!)
Snooze all day and nightly!
(Morning bells are ringing!)
Don’t wake up. Don’t wake up.
(Ding ding dong. Ding ding dong.)
CATEGORY: Unbelievably regrettable
HOME WORLD: Island of Lyngvi
APPEARANCE: Gray and black fur, powerful build, fangs, and blue eyes. Normal size for a typical wolf, but has an extra-intelligent glint in his eyes.
BEST KNOWN FOR: Terrifying savagery. Being restrained by the rope Gleipnir. Signaling the start of Ragnarok upon being freed from that rope.
I want it on record that I never intended to go anywhere near the Island of Lyngvi, and I certainly had no interest in talking to the beast that’s trapped there. I didn’t realize that’s where Hotel Valhalla’s fold-out boat had dropped me until it was too late. So if the following transcript of our conversation seems a little unprofessional at times, keep in mind that I was wholly unprepared.
SNORRI STURLUSON: Wait a minute. This isn’t Norumbega.
FENRIS WOLF: Hello, Snorri.
SS [runs around in circles, screaming]: Where’s the boat? Where’s the boat?
FW: Nice of you to drop by.
SS [falls to knees]: Gods help me! Someone get me out of here!
FW: We never talk anymore. How’ve you been?
SS [covers head with arms and moans]: Leave me alone. I have nothing to say to you.
FW: That hurts me, Snorri. It really does. Here I’m thinking, wow, a thane has come to see me. Not even the gods do that. He must be more courageous than they are. [Editor’s Note: At this point, the raven records that Snorri stopped moaning and started tuning in to what Fenris Wolf was saying.] But you’re just like the rest of them. [Hunches shoulders and hangs head.] Aw, why do I even bother.
SS: I—I’m sorry. It’s just, well, I was tricked into coming here.
FW [gestures at Gleipnir with snout]: Just as I was. We’re a lot alike, you and I.
SS: Except I’m a human and you’re a wolf.
FW: Technicalities. We’re alike where it counts. In here. [Restraint interferes with attempt to tap chest.] Darn this rope. It ruined a special moment for us.
SS [shuffles closer to FW]: It looks like a nuisance. Is it really tight?
FW: Not as bad as it used to be, but it does get in the way. What can I do, though? No one is brave enough to come near me and untie it.
SS [moves closer still]: I’m brave. You said so yourself.
FW [widens eyes]: You’re right! Guess that makes you brave and smart. But I bet you hear that all the time back in Valhalla.
SS: Oh, not as much as you’d think.
FW: Go on. Good-looking thane like you? Those Valkyries probably flit about you like bees around honey.
SS [blushes]: No. Well. Maybe a few.
FW: I knew it! And I know something that would really impress them. You could…nah, you wouldn’t do it. Never mind.
SS: What? What were you going to say?
FW: No, it’s too much to ask. Forget it.
SS: Seriously, tell me. I insist.
FW: Well, if you insist. I was just thinking, you being such a smart, brave, good-looking thane, if anybody could figure out how to untie this old rope, it’d be you.
SS: Oh. Um, gee, I don’t know if I should. I mean, the gods bound you in it for a good reason. Didn’t they?
FW: Oh, sure, sure. Assuming being true to myself was a good reason, that is. Was it my fault that I was a boisterous pup who liked to wrestle and play tug-of-war, or that I grew up to be a strong, fierce fighter? You’d think those traits would be appreciated in Asgard, not punished.
SS: Is that why you’re here? I could have sworn—
FW [turns his back]: Listen, just forget I asked, all right? I took you for a guy who stood for decency and fairness. I read you wrong. My mistake.
SS: But—
FW: I thought we had something in common, seeing as how you were hoodwinked into coming here by the gods just like I was. Again, my mistake.
SS: Well, maybe I could just loosen one knot.
FW: I don’t even want you to do it now.
SS [stands]: That’s too bad, mister, because I’m going to!
FW: Seriously, don’t come near me.
SS: You can’t stop me!
FW: I’m warning you, you come one step closer and I won’t be held responsible for my actions!
SS: Get ready to do your worst, then, because here I come!
[Editor’s Note: At this point, the raven stopped recording the conversation. The following is its report of what happened next.]
RAVEN: The thane had clearly fallen under the wolf’s spell. A few more steps and he would have fallen into the wolf’s jaws or, worse, succeeded in untying Gleipnir and freeing the beast. I prevented this by giving the thane a severe pecking, which broke the spell.
[The transcript picks up again here.]
SS [runs around screaming]:
AAAAAAHHHH! Stop pecking me!
[Pauses and looks around] Wait a minute…
AAAAAHHHH! Get me out of here!
[Runs screaming onto fold-out boat, which has miraculously reappeared.]
NAMES: Otis (aka Tanngnjóstr, aka “Teeth Grinder”) and Marvin (aka Tanngrisnr, aka “Snarler”)
CATEGORY: Edible
HOME WORLD: Wherever Thor is
APPEARANCE: Unkempt brown fur, curved horns, yellow eyes
BEST KNOWN FOR: Being a satisfying meal roasted, grilled, or stewed. Also pulling Thor’s chariot.
Listen up, punks. I don’t go in for therapy the way Otis does. If there’s a problem, I head-butt it straight on. And right now, I got a problem with you. I don’t like how you treat us. Think I’m joking? Well, chew on this. Every night, it’s the same thing: butcher, cook, chew, swallow, resurrect, repeat. That’s fine. It’s our fate to be slaughtered. Whatever. But what I want to know is, would it kill you to spice us up a little now and then? We’re bored to death with being served the same way dinner after dinner! Look at it from our point of view, for crying out loud! A little effort is all I’m asking. Here are some ideas even dimwits like you can follow:
BUFFALO GOAT TENDERS
Slice us into strips. Dip us in milk and coat us with panko crumbs. Fry us in oil on both sides. Dry us on a paper towel. Move us to a serving dish and smother us in Buffalo sauce. Serve us with blue cheese dressing and celery.
GOAT POT PIE
Cube us. Combine us with peas, carrots, celery, and goat broth. Boil, drain, and set aside. Sauté chopped onion and garlic. Mix with us and dump us into a piecrust. Cover us with another crust. Bake us in a dwarf kiln until golden brown. Scoop us into bowls and eat us.
GOAT CAESAR SALAD OR WRAP
Cook and dice us. Toss us with Caesar salad dressing, hand-torn romaine lettuce, shredded parmesan cheese, and croutons. Serve us as a salad or roll us in a wrap for an on-the-go meal.
For additional recipes, consult Saehrimnir, will you? Sheesh.
Dear Valued Guest:
Your journey through the pages of this helpful guide is coming to a close. Yet your existence in our world is just beginning. Exciting new adventures await you daily.* How will you die tomorrow? The next day? The ones after that? The possibilities are endless.**
But perhaps your destiny will take you in a different direction. Odin chose you once before, when he
snatched you at death to join the ranks of his einherjar. He may choose you again, this time to venture on a noble quest beyond the safety of Hotel Valhalla. If he does, know this: Only the best of the best are singled out for this honor. Those who return in triumph rise higher in the ranks. Some, like Gunilla, Davy Crockett, the Eriks, and even, inexplicably, Snorri Sturluson, are awarded seats at the thanes’ table. Those who fail, however, return in disgrace—or don’t return at all, for death awaits beyond Valhalla’s protection.
So when you put this book aside and turn out the light, ask yourself this question: Do you have the strength, bravery, and wisdom to achieve a higher level of greatness? I emphasize that you should ask yourself. Know that if you ring the front desk and ask me this question, I will be forced to remind you that while we provide additional towels free of charge, answers to such questions cost extra.
Thank you, and sleep peacefully so you can arise and do glorious battle in the morn.***
—Helgi
MANAGER OF HOTEL VALHALLA SINCE 749 C.E.
Aegir EE-jeer
Aesir AY-ser
alf seidr ALF SAY-der
Alfheim ALF-haym
Asgard AZ-gahrd
Balder BAHL-der
Bifrost BEE-frohst
Brisingamen BREE-seeng-gah-men
dagaz DAH-gahz
draugr DRAU-ger
Eikthrymir ACHE-thry-meer
einherjar/einherji in-HAIR-yar/ in-HAIR-yee
Fenris FEHN-rihss
Fjalar fee’AHL-ahr
Folkvanger FOHK-vahn-ger
Frey FRAY
Freya FRAY-uh
Frigg FRIHG
Gerd GAIRD
Ginnungagap GEEN-un-guh-gahp
Gjalar gee-YALL-ar
Gleipnir GLYP-neer
Gungnir GOONG-neer
Gunilla Goo-NEE-la
Heidrun HY-druhn
Heimdall HAME-doll
Hel HEHL
Helgi HEL-jee
Helheim HEHL-haym
Hlidskjalf H’LIHD-skelf
Hod rhymes with odd
Honir HOH-neer
Hunding HUHN-deeng
Idun EE-duhn
Jormungand YOHR-mun-gand
Jotun YOH-toon
Jotunheim YOH-tuhn-haym
Laeradr LAY-rah-dur
Loki LOH-kee
Lyngvi LEENG-vee
Magni MAG-nee
Midgard MIHD-gahrd
Mimir MEE-meer
Mjolnir MEE’OHL-neer
Modi MOH-dee
Muspell MOO-spel
Muspellheim MOOS-pehl-aym
Nabbi NAB-ee
Narvi NAHR-vee
Nidavellir Nee-duh-vehl-EER
Nidhogg NEED-hawg
Niflheim NIHF-uhl-haym
Njord NEE’ORD
Norns NOHRNZ
Norumbega nohr-uhm-BAY-guh
Odin OH-dihn
Ragnarok RAG-nuh-rawk
Ran RAN
Ratatosk RAT-uh-tawsk
Saehrimnir SY-h’rihm-neer
Sessrumnir SEHSS-room-neer
Sif SEEV
Skirnir SKEER-neer
Sleipnir SLAYP-neer
Snorri SNOH-ree
Sumarbrander SOO-mar-brand-der
Surt SERT
svartalf SVAHR-tahlf
Svartalfheim SVAHR-tahlf-haym
Tanngnjóstr Tang-YOST-ir
Tanngrisnr TAHN-gris-nir
Thjalfi TH-yal-vee
Thor THOR
Tyr TEER
Utgard-Loki OOT-gahrd-LOH-kee
Vala VAL-uh
Valhalla Val-HAHL-uh
Valkyrie VAL-ker-ee
Vanaheim VAN-uh-haym
Vanir Vah-NEER
Yggdrasil IHG-druh-sihl
Ymir EE-meer
AEGIR—lord of the waves
AESIR—gods of war, close to humans
ALF SEIDR—elf magic
ALFHEIM—the home of the light elves
ANGRBODA—the giantess mother of Fenris Wolf, Jormungand, and Hel, with Loki
ASGARD—the home of the Aesir
BALDER—god of light; the second son of Odin and Frigg, and brother of Hod. Frigg made all earthly things swear to never harm her son, but she forgot about mistletoe. Loki tricked Hod into killing Balder with a dart made of mistletoe.
BIFROST—the rainbow bridge leading from Asgard to Midgard
BRISINGAMEN—Freya’s signature piece of jewelry, a ruby-and-diamond lacework necklace of unsurpassed beauty
BROKKR AND SINDRI—the dwarves who made Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir
EIKTHRYMIR—a stag in the Tree of Laeradr whose horns spray water nonstop that feeds every river in every world
EINHERJAR (EINHERJI, sing.)—great heroes who have died with bravery on Earth; soldiers in Odin’s eternal army; they train in Valhalla for Ragnarok, when the bravest of them will join Odin against Loki and the giants in the battle at the end of the world
FENRIS WOLF—an invulnerable wolf born of Loki’s affair with a giantess; his mighty strength strikes fear even in the gods, who keep him tied to a rock on an island. He is destined to break free on the day of Ragnarok.
FJALAR AND GJALAR—two nasty dwarves who killed Kvasir
FOLKVANGER—the Vanir afterlife for slain heroes, ruled by the goddess Freya
FREY—the god of spring and summer; the sun, the rain, and the harvest; abundance and fertility, growth and vitality. Frey is the twin brother of Freya and, like his sister, is associated with great beauty. He is lord of Alfheim.
FREYA—the goddess of love; twin sister of Frey; ruler of Folkvanger
FRIGG—goddess of marriage and motherhood; Odin’s wife and the queen of Asgard; mother of Balder and Hod
GERI AND FREKI—two wolves who often accompany Odin
GINNUNGAGAP—the primordial void; a mist that obscures appearances
GLEIPNIR—a rope made by dwarves to keep Fenris Wolf in bondage
GUNGNIR—Odin’s staff
HEIDRUN—the goat in the Tree of Laeradr whose milk is brewed for the magical mead of Valhalla
HEIMDALL—god of vigilance and the guardian of the Bifrost, the gateway to Asgard
HEL—goddess of the dishonorable dead; born of Loki’s affair with the giantess Angrboda
HELHEIM—the underworld, ruled by Hel and inhabited by those who died in wickedness, old age, or illness
HLIDSKJALF—the High Seat of Odin
HOD—Balder’s blind brother
HONIR—an Aesir god who, along with Mimir, traded places with Vanir gods Frey and Njord at the end of the war between the Aesir and the Vanir
HUGINN AND MUNINN—two ravens who bring Odin information from all over Midgard
IDUN—a goddess who distributes the apples of immortality that keep the gods young and spry
JORMUNGAND—the World Serpent, born of Loki’s affair with a giantess; his body is so long it wraps around the earth
JOTUN—giant
JOTUNHEIM—the home of the giants
KVASIR—a wise god born of the saliva of the Aesir and the Vanir
LOKI—god of mischief, magic, and artifice; the son of two giants; adept with magic and shape-shifting. He is alternatively malicious and heroic to the Asgardian gods and to humankind. Because of his role in the death of Balder, Loki was chained by Odin to three giant boulders with a poisonous serpent coiled over his head. The venom of the snake occasionally irritates Loki’s face, and his writhing is the cause of earthquakes.
LYNGVI—the Isle of Heather, where Fenris Wolf is bound; the island’s location shifts every year as the branches of Yggdrasil sway in the winds of the void. It only surfaces during the first full moon of each year.
MAGNI AND MODI—Thor’s favorite sons, fated to survive Ragnarok
MIDGARD—the home of humans
MIMIR—an Aesir god who, along with Honir, traded places with Vanir gods Frey and Njord at the end of the war between the Aesir and the Vanir. When the Vanir didn’t like his couns
el, they cut off his head and sent it to Odin. Odin placed the head in a magical well, where the water brought it back to life, and Mimir soaked up all the knowledge of the World Tree.
MJOLNIR—Thor’s hammer
MUSPELLHEIM—the home of the fire giants and demons
NARVI—one of Loki’s sons, disemboweled by his brother Vali, who was turned into a wolf after Loki killed Balder
NIDAVELLIR—the home of the dwarves
NIDHOGG—the dragon that lives at the bottom of the World Tree and chews on its roots
NIFLHEIM—the world of ice, fog, and mist
NJORD—god of ships, sailors, and fishermen; father of Frey and Freya
NORNS—three sisters who control the destinies of both gods and humans
ODIN—the “All-Father” and king of the gods; the god of war and death, but also poetry and wisdom. By trading one eye for a drink from the Well of Wisdom, Odin gained unparalleled knowledge. He has the ability to observe all the Nine Worlds from his throne in Asgard; in addition to his great hall, he also resides in Valhalla with the bravest of those slain in battle.
RAGNAROK—the Day of Doom or Judgment, when the bravest of the einherjar will join Odin against Loki and the giants in the battle at the end of the world
RAN—goddess of the sea; wife of Aegir
RATATOSK—an invulnerable squirrel that constantly runs up and down the World Tree carrying insults between the eagle that lives at the top and Nidhogg, the dragon that lives at the roots
RED GOLD—the currency of Asgard and Valhalla
SAEHRIMNIR—the magical beast of Valhalla; every day it is killed and cooked for dinner and every morning it is resurrected; it tastes like whatever the diner wants
SESSRUMNIR—the Hall of Many Seats, Freya’s mansion in Folkvanger
SIF—Thor’s wife
SKIRNIR—a god; Frey’s servant and messenger
SLEIPNIR—Odin’s eight-legged steed; only Odin can summon him; one of Loki’s children
SNORRI STURLUSON—an Icelandic historian, poet, and author of The Prose Edda
SUMARBRANDER—the Sword of Summer
SURT—lord of Muspellheim
SVARTALF—dark elf, a subset of dwarves
TANNGNJÓSTR AND TANNGRISNR—Thor’s goats, who pull his chariot and also supply him with daily sustenance; after being killed, cooked, and eaten, they can resurrect themselves eternally
