Excuses or justifications are sometimes used to avoid the emotional content (guilt, fear, shame, anxiety … ) of setting a boundary. Justifications dislocate the boundary as separate from, and outside the responsibility of, the person setting it. “I won’t” or “I don’t want to” instead becomes “I can’t.” This tactic is not good or bad, but it is important to know when it may be helpful to defend, explain, or justify a boundary, and when it might not be desirable or necessary. Sometimes it is essential that the person understand (and agree with) a boundary. A mother in a boundary-setting workshop shares an example:
I needed to ask my boss to let me off early or at least right on time. My daughter’s daycare had started to charge for a full hour even if you were just a minute late. I couldn’t afford to be late at all. My boss asks everyone to stay late sometimes, so that was a situation where it felt really important to justify my boundary with her and not just say, “I can’t stay late” or “I am leaving right when my shift ends” without explaining why.
Problems arise when the boundary setter believes they can’t set or maintain a boundary when someone does not understand or agree with it. Another woman in a self-defense class shares an example of being in such a situation:
I really wanted my sister to understand that I couldn’t talk to our aunt anymore. I needed to set this boundary. My aunt had been really abusive to her son growing up and is mean to my sister and me when we see her. At some point I realized I was an adult and didn’t have to take it. My sister didn’t understand. In her mind, it was all in the past and none of it was a big deal. I tried to explain it to her but she just didn’t get it. I ended up giving in because I didn’t want this to come between my sister and me. She is the closest family I have and it didn’t seem worth it at that point for me to push it. I didn’t like it, but at that time I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t really feel like I could set that boundary unless she was on board.
Sometimes the process of explaining a boundary can help people become more certain about it. Other times, it can feel as if you are slowly being talked out of your boundary, or doubts begin to creep in. Doubts are powerful. Doubts (ours or someone else’s) can drain and divert attention and energy away from setting a boundary toward defending or justifying it. At times, explaining or rationalizing a boundary leads people so far astray that the boundary itself gets lost. A class participant’s story illustrates such a scenario:
I was young and hanging out with this boy. He wanted to go further than I did sexually. I remember saying something like I didn’t think it was a good idea and he had all these reasons why it was okay. I told him I didn’t want to get in trouble and he had all these ways of making sure we wouldn’t. After a while, I just got tired. And a little confused. I wanted to do some things with him but not everything he wanted. The more we talked, the more confused I felt. He had an answer for every concern I put out there. It was overwhelming and I ended up doing some things I didn’t really want to.
Dealing with Doubts
There are a few ways we can handle doubts: cheerlead, challenge, ignore, or listen. Each approach is helpful at different times. When we cheer ourselves, we give ourselves support and encouragement: You can do it! This may involve encouraging ourselves or asking for support and cheerleading from friends, family, or other support systems. The cheerleading may address specific skills, talents, or personal qualities: I am creative. You are loved. I am a compassionate person. I am an important part of my work team. Or be more general: You rock! I am fabulous. I can get through this. You deserve this. Sometimes cheerleading is like a team of supporters yelling loudly, “You can do it!” Other times, cheerleading is quieter, softer, soothing: It is going to be okay. It is important to find statements that resonate and fit with what is desired, given the context. Some examples could include: You are smart. Learning (a new skill) is difficult. It’s okay to feel scared. Everyone makes mistakes. You are loved. It is not the end of the world. You are tenacious. I am worthy of love. It’s okay for me to ask for what I want. Cheerleading can also be physical and nonverbal. Letting a friend or loved one comfort you when you cry, a hug, an arm squeeze, a wink, a smile, a back rub, can all be forms of cheerleading. There are a myriad of ways to communicate support and encouragement.
Challenging doubts involves countering myths and untruths we tell about ourselves, others, or situations. It also includes identifying and interrupting catastrophizing thoughts.5 This means being able to both recognize myths, untruths, or catastrophizing thoughts and offer clear, direct statements that refute them. It is not always easy to identify the myths and untruths we have come to believe, as one workshop participant points out:
5To “catastrophize” something means to focus on the negative and worst possible aspects of a current situation, or the outcome of a future or past event. When someone catastrophizes something, they are unable to see or imagine any positive possibilities, as if everything is/was/will be a catastrophe. Think Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.
It’s hard to tell reality from the voices that shaped your world growing up. It feels crazy at first to think that it is possible to have a different way of seeing things, of seeing yourself. But if you can tolerate the crazy feeling, you feel liberated, like you can really be yourself and see the world through your own eyes. Growing up, I was told I was stupid in really direct and indirect ways. I still carry that view of myself. But I have been learning that it is okay to make mistakes, to mess up, or even to just be human and not know things and that doesn’t make me stupid. I am beginning to understand that other people don’t see me that way and that makes it possible for me to see myself in a new way. Like, maybe I am not stupid even when I feel really stupid. That feeling comes from an old place, not from what is happening in the moment.
Recognizing catastrophizing thoughts is a helpful skill. While it can be helpful to imagine possible pitfalls or negative outcomes, catastrophizing is not planning. Planning or strategizing is recognizing a variety of possible outcomes, including desirable and non-desirable results. Catastrophizing is focusing only on the negative possibilities.
When I thought about getting a new job, I only thought of all the bad things that could happen. When I wanted to move, all I could think of was how much worse it could be. I couldn’t see how it could be better. Even though I was not happy, I stopped myself every time I tried to move in a direction to make myself happy. I got in my own way. I had a negative loop going on at all times. It was draining and made hope impossible. Once I recognized this as catastrophizing, I was able to see it for what it was—a negative pattern—and began to imagine that things could work out for me in a positive way. When bad things happened, they no longer proved that things would never work out.
—Class participant
Myths, Challenges, and Cheerleading Statements
Recognizing catastrophizing thoughts allows them to be named for what they are: thoughts. Challenge statements name and interrupt worry and catastrophizing thoughts, and counter myths or untruths. Below are some examples that class participants have come up with:
Myth Challenge Statement
I am stupid. Not everyone knows everything all the time.
I can’t change jobs, no one will hire me. It may be difficult, but you’ve faced difficult times before.
Everyone at school hates me. There may be people who don’t like you, but there are other people who do like and love you.
I am a horrible person. What you did was not okay, but you are not a horrible person.
I yelled at my partner and called her names. Doing something bad does not make you a bad person.
Cheerleading and challenge statements can overlap at times. It’s okay to be a beginner. Mistakes don’t mean you are stupid. Everyone gets rejected at some point. Just because someone was mean to you doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. We all hurt people’s feelings at times, it’s not the end of the world. So you embarrassed yourself at the party, everyone has regrettable moments in their l
ives. These are all examples of statements that counter a myth and offer encouragement. Being able to identify what would be helpful for you in a given situation means that you can ask for what you want and need. Maybe encouragement falls flat and that is a sign that the myth still looms large and it will be more helpful to focus on countering it. Other times, what we want is to know we have a cheerleading squad rooting for us. Boundary work is about identifying and asking for wants and needs to be met.
You can also use the broken record strategy that was discussed in the previous chapter by repeating the cheerleading or challenge statement over and over. Being a broken record creates a barrier between you and your doubts and helps redirect and keep attention on the boundary. It allows you to acknowledge the presence of doubt, or other feelings and thoughts, and not get caught up in them. To some degree, cheerleading and challenging keeps one engaged with doubts. While this is not bad, it is helpful to know when and how to disengage. Like an insistent three-year-old in a grocery store who wants a candy bar, doubts can keep going and going until they wear you down. Sometimes doubts keep poking holes in challenge or cheerleading statements until they find a myth or untruth that you don’t have a challenge or cheerleading statement about. When this happens, it is easy to feel overwhelmed with doubt or believe the lack of cheerleading or challenge statements proves the doubt to be true. In reality, all this proves is that, at this time, you do not have a counter or cheerleading statement. In other words, cheerleading and challenging can be helpful but they can also backfire. Having the skill to ignore or, at times, listen to doubts is important.
Directing Attention Elsewhere
Another way to handle doubts is to recognize them, then ignore them altogether. You acknowledge doubts as what they are: doubts. Then you direct your attention elsewhere. You choose to turn your attention, your mind, toward what you want to focus on and away from doubts and catastrophizing thoughts. This can be very challenging. Doubts are powerful. The first step in ignoring them is realizing that they have taken our attention or consumed the mind. It is impossible to redirect our attention until we are aware that doubts have taken over. Think about a time when you were worried about something and it was difficult to think of anything else. Worrying thoughts cycle through the mind over and over—spinning mental wheels, as they are often described. First, recognize the worrying thoughts, then name them for what they are: doubts or thoughts. Then direct your attention to something else. Sometimes this process has to be repeated many times in a single minute. While this may feel frustrating or maddening at first, like building up muscle, it gets stronger the more you use it. A client shares his thoughts about naming and disengaging from doubts:
When I first practiced naming doubts then trying to ignore them, it felt impossible. I could think about something else for maybe a second, then I would be right back in my doubts and shame. Over time, though, I noticed I could turn my mind more and more and I was doing it without having to totally concentrate. Now, I feel a lot stronger in being able to recognize when I am in that thought cycle and disengage from it. It’s not always easy but it’s getting easier.
It is important to be aware that doubts will return over and over to demand our attention and that ignoring them can be very difficult. A client of mine compared disregarding doubts to trying to ignore a giant screaming monster running around in your head. We explored how the more he learned to ignore this monster, challenging as it was, the less power it had over him, and how it got smaller and quieter over time.
Befriending Your Inner Demon
There is an exercise a yoga teacher shared with me many years ago called “Befriending Your Inner Demon.” Befriending your inner demon is turning toward intense and distressing thoughts, emotions, sensations, images, or memories with a sense of patience, loving kindness, and openness, and then asking what the thought/sensation/image monster (or “demon”) needs. In this case, we are practicing turning toward doubts and asking them what they want or need. The quality of the question is not demanding or threatening. Think of a crying infant. Your job, when faced with a crying baby, is to figure out what the cry means. Is it a hungry cry? Sleepy cry? Full-diaper cry? Want to be sung to cry? Of course, our inner demons are not infants and like the monster mentioned above, they can be frightening and imposing. But if we turn toward them with the same quality of compassionate curiosity, we are more likely to find out what the need is, where the doubt comes from, and what will help quiet it. A client shares her experience:
I was so scared to face my negative voices and all the doubts that told me I was nothing, that I was full of shame because I was a horrible person. I know these feelings have to do with what happened when I was a kid, but that doesn’t change them. When I started turning to face the voices and the darkness, I felt small and powerless but then I kept asking, “What do you need?” At one point, I said out loud, “You keep showing up every time I try to make a decision that will make me happy, telling me I don’t deserve it, so clearly you need something. What is it that you want or need?” Turns out, it sounds so hokey, but it was the pain I felt as a little girl. She was hurt and pissed and scared because no one kept her safe and she ended up feeling like it was her fault. She needed me to tell her it wasn’t her fault, and I needed her to be okay with me deserving things.
It is critical that the naming and asking be done as compassionately and neutrally as possible, using factual, nonjudgmental language that is free from story telling or meaning-making. Turning toward our inner demon with self-loathing and judgment tends to discourage the discovery of (and tending to) wants and needs, and rather tends to provoke defensiveness and a closing off. A client shares:
When I felt jealous, I used to judge myself really harshly. I have strong values about unconditional love and not being possessive. Whenever I felt jealous, it felt like I was not enacting my values. I would get really down on myself. I understood that jealously was a product of how we view relationships and I thought that at some point, if I worked hard enough, I would evolve to not feeling jealous. It took a long time to understand that jealously was a feeling, not an action or behavior that I could control. When I stopped trying to not feel jealous and stopped beating myself up for feeling jealous, it was a lot easier to deal with the feeling. I could name it, be kind to myself, discover what I needed in that moment, and then move on.
Beating ourselves up for feeling doubt or judging ourselves for “worry thoughts” only adds distress to the doubts and worry. The practice of identifying and reframing judgments or meaning-making statements is an important part of boundary work.
When and How to Listen to Doubts
Finally, there may be times when you want to listen to doubt and let it inform your decisions and actions. Doubt may, at times, provide information about a real concern. In classes, people have asked how to tell the difference between a doubt manufactured by insecurity, shame, guilt, or stories we tell ourselves based on experiences and “real” doubts or doubts rooted in our inner self and authentic experience. There is not a formula or cheat sheet to distinguish between these, but many people have described the experience of feeling real or true doubt as different from experiencing doubt that comes from a lack of self-trust, insecurity, shame, self-consciousness, or feelings of unworthiness. It is worth taking some time to notice the total experience (feelings, thoughts, body sensations) of different doubts and learn to recognize when you want to listen to them, when you want to acknowledge and ignore them, and when you want to cheerlead or use counter statements. A client talks about their experience with identifying doubts:
The more I practiced identifying what I wanted in a situation, the more I was able to tell when the doubts or negative thoughts were really my inner voice and when they were coming from the other voice, the one that finds so many ways to tell me I am silly or stupid or selfish. When that voice comes up, I feel a tightening in my chest and get short of breath. I am learning to be aware of those sensations and not react to them but listen to them
. When the doubt is my inner voice, me, it feels different, like it is really coming from inside me, my center near my forehead and also in my gut. It’s hard to explain, but it is a different thing altogether.
Doubts, like making mistakes and grappling with challenges, are a fundamental part of life, relationships, and boundary setting. Learning how to skillfully handle incertitude is essential to boundary setting. Having options and being able to intentionally ignore, challenge, or listen to doubts reduces the power they have to derail, drain, and distract while giving people more agency and capacity in negotiating wants and needs.
Four
Intuition and the Reflective Loop
In chapter two we covered several tools: name the behavior, give a directive, broken record, and end an interaction. These tools are what we do: identify a behavior, express what we want someone to do, repeat our boundary or directive, and end an interaction. Now we will explore how to do these skills. First, I introduce ideas about how to use intuition and self-reflection to set boundaries. Then I will explore some ways that intuition and boundaries are socially constructed. Intuition is an important tool that has the power to guide decisions but can also reinforce stereotypes. This chapter takes a look at intuition and offers tips on how to tap into intuition with an understanding of the ways in which it may be influenced by social constructs. This chapter also offers tools for recognizing and responding to fears and challenges involved in boundary setting, including ways to engage in reality checks, accountability, and self-reflective skills.
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