Being Aware of Judgment
Exploring and reflecting on choices, behaviors, and motivations in a nonjudgmental way can be challenging. Like any new skill (riding a bike, mastering a computer program, speaking a second language, practicing yoga, joining a hockey team, taking horseback riding lessons, surfing, writing a poem, organizing a benefit show, playing an instrument, writing music, cooking a new kind of fabulous meal, saving money, etc.), it takes patience, practice, and making a lot of mistakes. In the beginning it can be helpful to practice being aware of judgment. Learning to recognize a judgment takes time, as it often feels like truth or reality. After cultivating an awareness of judgment, it can be helpful to practice reframing judgment or shaming self-talk into nonjudgmental and non-shaming talk. This can feel awkward at first, but it gets easier. A client shares an example:
When I started becoming aware of how much I judge myself, I judged myself for judging myself! It was really hard to stop. I never realized how often I was super hard on myself. I’d call myself stupid or other names without even realizing it. After I got used to recognizing judgments, I started reframing them. I’d be able to be kinder to myself, more like I would be if someone else came to me with the same situation. I would never call them stupid or think they are an idiot. At first it felt like I was letting myself off the hook, like if I stopped judging myself I would never change or move forward. But the more compassionate I was, the more I could imagine how things could be different and how I could take steps toward that.
After a friend of mine quit smoking, she would still “blow it” and smoke. As we talked about what was going on and how she could integrate a nonjudgmental framework into quitting, she realized something important. When she would blow it, she would feel ashamed and say and feel horrible things about herself (I’m such a loser, I’m weak, I’ll never be able to do this), which would make her feel even worse. This made it difficult to explore what was going on before, during, or after the times she “blew it.” She didn’t want to explore these incidents because it was so shaming and when she tried, she ran right into her jumble of judgments. When we reframed these “blow it” moments from moments of exploration into what actually triggered an urge she felt she couldn’t resist, she began to have more self-awareness, which made it easier to anticipate these situations, prepare for them, and when possible, prevent them.
It’s important to reiterate that non-judgment is not the same as reframing a negative into a positive. Saying a person is nice, lovely, or a great friend is a judgment—the same as if one labels a person as mean, miserable, or an awful friend. What a nonjudgmental framework does is ask people to describe something using facts or descriptions rather than using judgments as shorthand. Judgments are easy shorthand. An example might be, “Julie remembers our conversations and this makes me feel like she listens to me and is interested in what I have to say.” This is a statement using descriptive facts. “Julie is nice” is a judgment. It is also a much shorter, briefer statement. Nonjudgmental reframing typically takes more time, more words, and more description, which can feel cumbersome in some situations. The goal is not to avoid shorthand or describe someone as nice. The goal is to become aware of using shorthand, to be intentional when choosing to use it, and to be able to reframe statements when helpful. Practicing nonjudgmental frameworks does not imply that judgments are bad (a judgment of judgment!) nor that people should never make or use judgments. Judgments are useful in assessing risks, sizing up a situation or interaction, and providing helpful shorthand. Rather, this skill is about being able to recognize when judgments are being used in ways that are not helpful and then being able to reframe in nonjudgmental way. This process can offer different perspectives. Another client shares an example:
When I am able to use nonjudgmental language with myself and other people, it opens up so much space. I find that there are options, choices that I never felt were possible. My parents are really conservative and I am not. I used to judge them and felt judged by them whenever we spent any time together. I thought I should somehow either be impenetrable and never let them and their conservative ideology get to me, or that I could magically change them. When I stopped judging myself, our relationship changed. I actually stopped judging them, too. I didn’t stop calling them out or sharing my opinion or defending myself, but now it feels calmer, like I am coming from a different, less defensive place.
Reflection and Reality Checks
Reality checks and support systems can give us information about emotional or psychological hooks. In this context, when people get “hooked” it means that the hook itself (or the attempt to avoid it) is in some way driving behaviors, decisions, and actions. For example, someone may not want to feel a particular emotion and the desire to not feel it drives their decisions to the detriment of themselves or their relationships. It could mean that a feeling is so strong and overwhelming that it becomes the primary lens through which decisions are made. In other words, when someone gets hooked, whatever the hook may be (guilt, shame, indecision, anxiety, avoidance, fear of conflict), it is the principle force behind behaviors. Sometimes people are conscious of their hooks, other times they are not. The reflective loop helps people be more attuned when hooks are happening and find ways to address this.
Reality checks and support systems work together. Support systems provide emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical care. When done in non-shaming and non-judging ways, this kind of support strengthens the capacity of reality checks. Reality checks offer a critical look at, and constructive criticism and feedback about, events, interactions, and boundaries. When done well, reality checks take into account individual personalities and experiences, as well as social, environmental, cultural, political, and other contextual information. Having outside reflection, and learning to reflect back to ourselves in a non-shaming way is important. To some degree, reality checks are similar to learning to attend to the quality of the air around us. Most of us don’t really pay much attention to air unless it is particularly bad (or good), but tuning into the quality of air that we live in offers a wealth of information, including how we may need and want to attend to it. The relationship between supports and reality checks is an important part of the reflective loop. The more we tune into and tend to them, the stronger and more vibrant they become. The stronger our supports and reality checks are, the more we will be able to set and negotiate boundaries that reflect our wants and needs in ways that uphold our values.
In Closing
Intuition and reflection are critical boundary-setting skills. They are tools that many people have been taught to doubt, minimize, or ignore. Part of developing vibrant, creative, and flexible boundaries that reflect who and how we are in the world is having a support system that grows with us, challenges us, nurtures us, and offers constructive reality checks. Having these kinds of support systems helps people learn to identify and listen to intuition in complex and grounded ways. The reflective loop is a dynamic, holonic life resource. The more we integrate some kind of reflective loop into our lives and relationships, the more expansive and resilient our boundaries can be. Critical intuition and a reflective loop help people navigate obstacles and barriers to boundary setting. The next chapter considers goals, objectives, and some challenges in boundary setting.
Five
Goals and Challenges in Setting, Defending, or Negotiating Boundaries
Clarifying Goals
There are many reasons to set boundaries. Sometimes our goal in setting a boundary is obvious. Other times we may have competing or conflicting goals and there may even be situations where we are not sure what our goal is. It can be helpful, when possible, to be clear about your goal(s) for setting a boundary. Being aware of your goals for a boundary will inform how and when you may choose to use different skills. For the purposes of this book, we will explore three goals or objectives for a boundary. The first goal is to have the boundary adhered to no matter what. Whether or not someone agrees with, understands, likes, or
respects the boundary, putting it out there and having it followed is the primary goal. The second goal is having your boundary consented to because it is agreed upon and understood. The third goal is sticking to your values or belief system, or maintaining a sense of self-respect. There will be times when we will want to meet all three goals and are able to. There will be other times when we may need to prioritize one over the other. Knowing your primary objectives beforehand helps to prioritize and guide boundary work when necessary. While the objectives are not always mutually exclusive, there are times when being effective means choosing one.
A class participant struggling to navigate and set boundaries in a shared living situation offers an example of the first goal, having your boundary respected regardless of if the person likes or agrees with it:
There are six of us living together and we share a lot of things—food, clothes, tools. We borrow one another’s things all the time. Mostly I was fine with this and we all worked on negotiating how to share amongst us. But I didn’t want people coming in my room when I wasn’t at home. When I told my roommates that they were not allowed in my room when I was not there, it was not up for negotiation. I didn’t want them to be upset or hurt, but some of them were. I had to deal with a few of them being confused and hurt. They really didn’t understand my boundary and took it personally, but like I said, it wasn’t up for a discussion. This was my boundary and it needed to be accepted, even if they didn’t understand or agree with it.
The second goal, having the boundary agreed upon, is, to a great degree, about maintaining or tending to relationships. The goal in this case involves both the boundary itself and the relationship, and prioritizes having mutual understanding of, and consent to, the boundary. Another client shares how he and his girlfriend navigated such a situation. His goal was to have an agreement about communication while he was gone on tour to talk once a day. His girlfriend felt like that was not enough contact and wanted to be able to call him whenever she felt like it. It was important for her that she felt good about any agreement they made and he also felt strongly about his boundary (to talk once a day unless it was an emergency):
My band is on tour a few times a year. It’s hard to be on the road, playing a show almost every night and keep your focus. There is always drama and the way I deal is to shut everything that isn’t necessary out. I love my girlfriend and talking to her when I get up sets me in a good space for the rest of the day. But when I talk to her multiple times a day it makes it harder for me to be in the mental space I need to be in to get through the tour. I know it’s hard for her to understand this and not feel like I am shutting her out. We talked a lot about it and I tried to get her to understand that it was actually about me wanting to be fully present when we talk. I can do that once a day but more than that and I am not really there, I am in my head and scattered. After talking about it, she got it. I am not sure she totally understands, but gets it enough to feel okay about it. That was huge for me. I wanted her to be on board, to feel good [and] not like I was doing something that hurt her.
In this example, the goal was agreeing to a boundary, not just having the boundary itself respected. My client may have handled the situation differently if his goal was to have his boundary set and respected, whether or not his girlfriend liked or understood it. Knowing your goal can be helpful. If someone disagrees with your boundary and the goal is to have it respected no matter what, the approach and what gets focused on may be very different than if someone disagrees with your boundary and the goal is to have them feel good about it. In some situations, there will be room for negotiation and collaboration, in others there will not be. It is important to be aware that one can be compassionate and empathic while refusing to negotiate a boundary. In the previous example of setting a boundary with roommates, the class participant can offer sympathy to her roommates’ struggle to understand her boundary without changing it. She can be compassionate about any hurt feelings, acknowledge and validate them, again without changing her boundary. There may be situations in which you will want to change or renegotiate your boundary based on people’s reaction to it. There will also be times when you will not want to alter your boundary. There will be many times when we want both of these things (have our boundary agreed upon and respected) and yet they are not possible for a variety of reasons. In these situations, it can be helpful to be aware of your primary objective. What is more important, having the boundary set and adhered to or maintaining the relationship? Is there room for negotiating and collaboration around the boundary? Is the boundary flexible? Is the relationship more important than the boundary?
In other situations, your goal may be to stick to your values and belief system. You may value loyalty, for example, and believe it is important to have a friend’s back even if they are doing something you don’t agree with. Another client discusses his decision to support a friend of his who was lying to his boyfriend, even though he himself values honesty:
My friend told me he had been lying to his partner, not telling him that he was still using pills. I told him he needed to come clean about it and he said, “Not yet.” He was working on it, but not ready. It was a tough situation for me. I am not super close with his boyfriend but I also have a strict policy of not lying to friends and he put me in a position where I might have to choose between my values and backing him up. Thankfully it never came to that. I would have backed my friend up, but it would have been rough. I don’t like lying and being in that position felt like it was a compromise of my values.
There are plenty of times where your goal will be to set boundaries and keep a relationship while staying rooted in personal values. However, given the complexities of life and interpersonal situations, this may not always be possible. Knowing what is more (and sometimes most) important, even if it’s only a little more and only for that particular moment, helps ground and guide boundary work. Another client shares an example of having to be clear on their goals and making an informed decision on how to prioritize them;
I let my family know that they needed to use my correct pronoun. Of course I cared if they were upset and wanted them to not only support me and use the right pronoun, but [to also] do it with love and be happy for me. But thinking about my priorities, I made it clear that if they were struggling or having a hard time, it wasn’t my job to make it okay or let them off the hook. This was not easy for me. But being able to recognize for myself how important it was to hold that boundary and not change it because they felt uncomfortable was good.
Aspects to Consider
Below are some things to consider when deciding if you need to prioritize your goals. Some of the goals and aspects to consider when setting boundaries are in part informed by Marsha Linehan’s interpersonal effectiveness skills from her Dialectical Behavioral Therapy work. Reflecting on these factors can help tease out context and may be useful in assessing whether to set a boundary and if so, how it might be set. This is most certainly not an exhaustive list, but a place to start. It is not necessary to reflect on each aspect every time a boundary is being set; different ones will be helpful in different contexts.
Safety: Are you emotionally, physically, mentally safe? Will your or someone else’s safety be affected if you use a boundary-setting skill?
Importance: How important is the boundary to you?
Resources/Access/Capacity: Do I have the emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, means or resources to set the boundary? Do the people involved have the means/resources to address my boundary/needs?
Authority: Do I have authority over the person? Do they have authority over me? How does authority inform or impact my boundary work in this situation?
Power: Do I have social, personal, emotional, economic, or political power over the person? Do they have power over me? How does power inform or impact my boundary work in this situation?
Evidence and Facts: Do I know everything I need to know to decide whether to set a boundary and if so, how to set it?
Im
mediate, Short- and Long-Term Goals: What are they? How do they connect to each other? Is one more important? If so, is it important to consider why?
Context: Is this a good time to set a boundary? Is this boundary appropriate to the relationship and context? Is it what I really want for the relationship? Do I have a right to set the boundary?
Values: Does the boundary work within my values system? If not, how do I feel about that?
Intention: What is the intention of setting this boundary?
Reciprocity: Am I giving as well as taking, listening as well as talking, protecting myself as well as thinking of the well-being of others?
Challenges: Boundaries, Reactions, and Feelings
Things often do not occur as one would have hoped, and life (with its associated boundaries) does not always go as planned. Sometimes people’s reactions to boundaries prompt intense feelings of guilt (I should not have set the boundary), shame (I am a bad/selfish person for setting the boundary), anxiety (something bad is going to happen as a result of setting the boundary), or resentment (they should just be able to respect my boundary). These feelings can impact the boundary and often get conflated with the boundary itself. If someone feels remorse about setting a boundary, this may lead them to believe the boundary is bad or wrong. Or they may interpret a person’s reaction of disappointment as evidence that their boundary is unacceptable. For example, if someone feels guilty about saying no to a friend, when they do set the boundary (No) and their friend becomes upset, they may see this as evidence that their boundary is bad, rather than understanding their boundary is still acceptable (but in this case, also hurtful for someone they care about).
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