When I stopped focusing so much on trying to make sure she didn’t get sad about my decision to take a new job in a different city, I was able to really listen to her and make space for her sadness. Before, I felt so guilty about making the decision to move that I kept trying to make her feel better so I wouldn’t feel guilty. But all this did was make her feel like I didn’t care. I got hurt and defensive because I do care and turned it on her—that if she cared, she would be happy for me. We kept going in circles. Then it hit me, I could be compassionate about her sadness without feeling like that means I should change my decision.
People can be compassionate and loving while setting boundaries that are unpopular or hurtful, even if holding onto a boundary is interpreted as not being compassionate. Sometimes people don’t like the boundaries that are being set. That’s okay. Sometimes boundaries are renegotiated, other times they are not. Sometimes it is important to really take the time to understand and validate the person’s feelings about a boundary (which doesn’t mean the boundary needs to be changed). Other times it is not as important to do this. The conditions under which boundaries are being set shape and inform how people will choose to act and respond.
Navigating Negative Responses
When people don’t like a boundary, they sometimes try to change it by demonstrating the potentially negative impact it may have. “If you don’t let me borrow your bike, I won’t have any way to get home.” “There is no one else who can do this project, you can’t quit now.” “I don’t want you to take that job. It will put more stress on both of us.” “My sister will kill me if we don’t go see her when we are in town.” “I’m scared to go to the doctor alone, I want you to go with me to my appointment.” “When you tell me you can’t talk right now, I feel abandoned.” “When you refuse to change how you talk to me, it makes it really hard to listen to you.” Explaining the impact of a boundary is neither good nor bad. Sometimes discovering the impact of a boundary leads to a renegotiation or change in the boundary. Other times it does not. Sometimes it is important or can be helpful to understand the impact of a boundary. Context is important. A class participant shares an example of when she and her partner got caught up in trying to explain the impact of a behavior as a way to set or change a boundary:
My partner and I are different. Really different. I come from a loud family that talks a lot, talks over one another, and we are always doing other things when we have conversations. She comes from what I’ll call a more reserved family. Just her mom and her, and they both are quiet. When we have discussions or arguments, she can’t stand it when I get distracted or say something that doesn’t seem directly related. Then we get into a fight about that, about her thinking I am not listening because I start fidgeting with something or get up.
For a long time she told me how this made her feel unimportant, which would make me upset but also defensive. I didn’t mean to shut her down and don’t think the way I listen is bad. It’s like we talked about in class—she kept trying to show me the negative impact of the way I listen, hoping that I would change my boundary (which I guess was me saying I listen better when I am doing something with my hands and I didn’t want to change that even if I could). We ended up trying to see if there was any way she could believe she was important to me and that I was listening, even if I was doing something with my hands or moving around. It was not easy and we are still struggling with this, but we are working on it.
Sometimes boundaries are renegotiated in response to the impact they have on people. A friend discusses a situation where she changed her boundary:
My boyfriend and I had been working to pay off a lot of debt, and at the time, we were both working two jobs. He really wanted to quit one, but we both were scared we would never get the debt paid off if we didn’t keep on track. I also felt like if he quit one, I shouldn’t have to keep working two jobs, but we couldn’t afford that. After a lot of talks where he was able to get me to see how much his second job was really messing him up, how we could make a plan for me to quit one of my jobs in the not-too-distant future and how our relationship was suffering, I was able to see his side.
Context is important. There are a multitude of elements that go into boundary setting and boundary negotiation. In addition to the list of “Aspects to Consider,” there are our thoughts and feelings about the boundary, thoughts and feelings about other people’s (real or perceived) responses to the boundary, and thoughts and feelings about our response to their response. There is much to navigate when setting boundaries. Again, using supports systems, check-ins, self-reflection, and compassionate curiosity can enhance this work.
Six
Compassion and Boundaries
To Suffer With
How do we deal with people’s reactions to our boundaries? How do we not give in when they hook, manipulate, push, or prod us into giving up our boundaries? How do we not connect their reaction with our right to set a boundary? How do we do this with grace and groundedness? There isn’t one right way, but examining the powerful skill of compassion can help us answer these questions. Cultivating compassion, empathy, and understanding for people’s reactions (and our reactions to their reactions) to boundaries can be immensely helpful. Compassion and self-directed compassion help people be less reactive and more responsive to events (boundaries, thoughts, feelings, other people’s behaviors and actions, etc.).
Reacting is immediate; there is no pause or reflection, and it tends to be emotionally driven and often defensive. Reacting is important. There are times when we need to act decisively, quickly, and without reflection. Responding involves taking the time (pause) to look at the situation at hand, consider the circumstances and context, and reflect on what is happening before deciding on any action. The pause could be for any length of time, a couple of seconds, a few hours, days—the amount of time will vary; what is important is the pause itself. The pause signals to the body that one is not in immediate and impending danger (even if in an emotionally distressing situation) and places one in a more mindful space. Having the ability to choose to respond rather than react is an important skill and one that people can develop over time. The pause can start with a single breath; taking a walk; counting to ten; letting yourself emote before responding; taking time to write, draw, or dance; or reflecting on the situation in some way by playing loud music, praying, or singing; or talking with a mentor—the possibilities are endless and as unique as each of us. Responding allows one to consider and be empathetic to themselves as well as other people’s perspectives and feelings. It is important to not mistake compassion for needing to change a boundary. People can be compassionate and demonstrate empathy without changing their boundaries. Sometimes this is the most compassionate thing. What is compassion? According to the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh:
The essence of love and compassion is understanding, the ability to recognize the physical, material, and psychological suffering of others, to put ourselves “inside the skin” of the other. We “go inside” their body, feelings, and mental formations, and witness for ourselves their suffering. Shallow observation as an outsider is not enough to see their suffering. We must become one with the subject of our observation. When we are in contact with another’s suffering, or our own suffering, a feeling of compassion is born in us. Compassion means, literally, “to suffer with.” 8
8Hesselink, Katinka. “Thich Nhat Hanh: Short Quotes on Love and Compassion.” http://www.katinkahesselink.net/tibet/Thich-Nhat-Hanh-love-q.html.
Recognizing, acknowledging, and validating another person’s pain and suffering (or our own) is powerful, and yet most of us struggle to do this well, especially when we are the ones who have caused the pain. It is easy to react in situations where we are (or think we are) responsible for someone else’s pain by trying to make them feel better rather than responding by simply witnessing their suffering. Self-directed compassion simply means directing compassion toward ourselves. While the concept of self-directed compassion is fai
rly straightforward, the process and skill of turning toward ourselves with compassion can be challenging. We are often harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else.
There is a German phrase that a mentor of mine shared with me years ago that translates roughly as, “That causes me pain.” The phrase Es tut mir Leid is often used in situations where American English speakers might say, “I am sorry.” The German expression prompts you to recognize the suffering of the other person as well as the pain their suffering causes you. It keeps the focus on the person who has been hurt while recognizing the ripple effect of their pain. All too often, the focus is on how to make the person (or us) feel better without any real recognition of their suffering. The idea of Es tut mir Leid in this context is to hold more compassionate space for suffering (our own as well as other people’s) without jumping in and trying to fix, soothe, or alleviate it.
How could the concept of “suffering with” help boundary work? Having compassion for the impact a boundary may have without necessarily needing to change the boundary makes our boundary stronger. Having compassion for ourselves as we set, maintain, negotiate, explain, and sometimes defend boundaries makes boundary work a richer experience. Without compassion and self-directed compassion, it is easy to victim blame, shame, and judge ourselves or others for responses to boundaries, and even the boundaries themselves. Judgment, blame, and shame make boundary work harder. Accountability, compassionate curiosity, and reflection strengthen boundary work, even as they allow boundaries to be more flexible and adaptive to changing contexts. A class participant shares:
I used to beat myself up pretty bad. I had a hard time saying no to people. I would say yes to the point where I felt used, then I would get mad and resentful with the other person for taking advantage of me, even though I was the one saying yes to everything. It was hard to sort out my feelings and other people’s feelings. If I said no and they were disappointed, I felt like a horrible person. Rather than say no, I would spend time and energy trying to get them to change their mind about something I didn’t want to do. Then when they didn’t, I would think they were being stubborn or arrogant or inflexible. The better I got at saying no and being okay with people’s reactions, even when they were disappointed (which was hard), the less I judged them for their feelings and the less I judged myself when it was hard to set boundaries.
We can be accountable for the impact our boundary has without changing it. We can be compassionate with ourselves for our feelings about people’s responses to our boundary, which in turn makes it easier to tend to those feelings rather than trying to not feel them at all. Compassion and self-directed compassion increase our capacity and skill with boundaries. This does not mean we always have to feel compassionate toward someone or act in a compassionate way in every situation. There may be times when we do not. That is fine. A class participant shares an important moment of non-compassionate reaction in a very horrible situation. She had been attacked while walking home and her attacker was trying to drag her off the street she was on:
When I kicked my attacker, punched him in the face and throat, I didn’t see him as a person. I didn’t think about that at all. I couldn’t. When I realized it was either him or me, something in me flipped a switch and in that moment, I chose me. I didn’t care about him at all.
A client shares another example of needing to renegotiate their relationship with compassion in order to take care of themselves:
A few months after extricating myself from a super codependent relationship, I realized that it was my compassion and empathy and guilt that had made me feel stuck. If I hurt my partner or caused him pain in any way, I felt awful and tried to figure out a way to not do whatever it was. I stopped going to school, stopped talking to my friends, stopped dressing the way I used to. A lot of people wanted me to feel mad at him. I did for a while but that felt bad, too. It took a long time to really come to terms with the reality that I can feel compassion and still do something that hurts someone else. I needed to be angry at him for a while in order to get the hell out of there. But then, it felt important for me to not keep hating him. I wanted to feel compassion, but not let that pull me into changing how I want to be in the world.
It is important to separate feeling compassion and empathy from the boundaries we need to set, the actions we need to take, and the decisions necessary in life. We can be compassionate to the pain our actions cause while remaining grounded in the reality that we still need to take that action. There will be times when we cause suffering and we will choose to change our behavior, and there will be times when we will not want to change our actions despite the pain they cause. Compassion allows us to make more informed, more intentional choices about our boundaries.
When We Cause Suffering
In our lives we will get hurt and we will inevitably hurt other people. Hurting and being hurt is unavoidable; how we do it is not. If I say no to someone and they take it personally and get hurt, I can be compassionate to their suffering without changing my boundary. I can hold onto my no with an open heart and mind. I can do this even when their hurt is huge because my boundary is necessary. In fact, having compassion without getting hooked is what allows us to not get distracted from our boundary by the need to justify, explain, or defend it. A workshop participant shares:
As a mom, this really began to resonate with me. I saw how I would be impatient with other adults but not as much with my daughter. When I said no to her and she didn’t like it or agree, I was fine explaining and also fine if she didn’t like it and got upset. But I realized I wasn’t fine if my partner was disappointed or upset when I said no about something. I got frustrated, even angry, because I wanted him to feel differently about my boundary. Not only did I want him to respect my boundary, I wanted him to understand, agree, and not have any negative feelings about it.
The capacity to have compassion while holding clear boundaries is an important interpersonal skill. When there is disagreement or misunderstanding about a boundary, it can be challenging to approach the interaction with compassion. But having compassion creates more spaciousness and offers more opportunities for creative problem-solving because things are less likely to become polarized. Compassion interrupts the polarization process. Some of the elements about the polarization process are pulled from John Gottman’s work on couples and relationships (www.gottman.com). In this context, polarization is about conflicts over boundaries (i.e., different boundaries or different desires for boundaries). The conflict over a boundary (one person wants the boundary and the other person does not) sparks an effort for change simultaneously alongside an effort for maintenance. In other words, one person defends the boundary and the other person attempts to change it. The attempt to change produces a counteraction (defense of the boundary). The resulting polarization occurs because each person’s defense of his or her position escalates the other person’s need to defend his or her counter position. The way out of polarization is compassion for the other person’s experience. Compassion may or may not result in any change in the boundary itself, but takes people out of the escalating polarization cycle. A client shares an example:
My husband and I just couldn’t get out of this cycle. I wanted him to understand why I didn’t want to give up going to the gym before work and why it was important to be able to hang out with coworkers after work sometimes. I work a lot and both of those things help me stay focused and not burn out. He wanted me to be at home more with him and our daughter. From his perspective, I was being selfish. I thought he was being stubborn and not supportive of me doing the things that help me be a better partner. We were at an impasse, with neither of us giving an inch. When I started trying to be compassionate to his position, things started to change. I was able to see where he was coming from, [acknowledge] his feelings and concerns. He wanted to spend time together as a family, which was actually something I wanted as well. Once I realized that we wanted the same thing but had different means of getting there, it was easier for me to not pola
rize things. I was able to say we both want to spend time as a family, and I need to have time with friends and at the gym. From that place, we were able to see both of our needs as important and figure out a compromise.
It’s easier to listen, understand, and learn when one is not guarded or defended. It is challenging to not be defensive when someone points out how a behavior is causing them harm or explaining why they dislike it. And, it can be challenging to let someone know in a compassionate way that they are doing something you dislike or that is causing discomfort or harm. Sometimes people confuse compassion with being soft with boundaries. This is another myth about boundaries. It is possible to let someone know with absolute loving kindness that what is being said or done is hurtful, distressing, or unacceptable. Without compassion, it can be easy to fall into a justification trap where someone believes they have to defend their boundary because if they demonstrate compassion they will be forced to give it up. When a boundary is armed with justifications and explanations, it can spark and perpetuate defensiveness and counter-defensiveness on all sides, leading to escalation and polarization. A client shares an example:
Empowered Boundaries Page 10
