by A. Destiny
Yet here we were, in comfortable silence, her whisking me off to the park without asking any questions or demanding any information.
That was a balm to my battered heart.
She pulled into the parking lot in front of the sprawling stretch of the park’s bright-green grass and shut off the car. With a little twist she turned to look at me. “I can tell you need some alone time. I’m going to stay in the car, but if you want to talk, I’m here.” Her eyes were so warm and open, I almost started crying.
I nodded and gave a watery smile, opening the door and going outside. The park only had a few people milling around, a couple of teenagers swinging on the swing set and laughing. The sky was wide and open here, the fringe of trees far off and the lights dim enough that I could see specks of stars.
Even the air itself was calm. I smiled and let it soothe me.
From a tree stump, I propped my camera up and tweaked the settings for night shots, playing around with shutter speed and such until it was just right. Then I sat down on the grass.
This would have been fun to share with Jason.
A smile cracked my face when I remembered taking pictures of him playing golf. He really did have a lot of talent. Sure, he wasn’t a photographer, but I’d bet if he was given a camera, he’d figure it out fast and become an expert. He was driven to succeed, to thrive at whatever he took on.
I heard a soft giggle and turned my head. There were two teens still on the swing set, holding hands as they rocked back and forth and whispering to each other. The girl’s eyes glowed with love. The guy’s responding smile was easy and genuine.
I sighed and recalled the feel of Jason’s hand in mine at the party. How hard I’d fooled myself into thinking I had a chance with him. I’d made the actor’s classic mistake and gotten caught up in the romance of our practices, forgetting the reality of our situations, our lives.
My camera finished its sky shot, and I grabbed it, snapping a few frames of the couple, zooming in on their faces and making the background blurry. Even without seeing them on my computer, I could tell the shots were going to be good.
After doing another half-dozen shots of the park, the lights casting an eerie glow on the trees, I put my camera away and headed back to Caroline. She was perched on the front of the car, laughing into her cell phone.
When she saw me, she quickly said bye and hung up. “Did you get whatever you were looking for?”
What a loaded question. Did I?
Taking pictures of that couple had filled me with a bittersweet longing. I’d tried to escape into my art but couldn’t. At least, not today.
Still, I nodded, not wanting her to feel like’d she wasted her time bringing me here. “I got some good pictures. Thanks again.”
With a quick squeeze, Caroline hugged me then headed to the driver’s side, me popping into the passenger’s seat. “I told you before,” she said as she turned the car on. “If you need to talk, I’m here. I may not have the answers, but I can listen.”
We headed home, music playing softly as we sat in companionable silence.
I gave my sister a grateful smile. In spite of my romantic flop and destroyed friendship, something good came out of this situation. Caroline and my relationship had shifted; we were on more equal footing now. Somehow I knew that she’d have my back, should I need it. And I’d have hers.
Despite that comfort, it was still well into the night before I was able to finally fall asleep.
At lunch on Wednesday, I sat at the table, finishing the last few bites of my peanut-butter-and jelly-sandwich. There were a couple of junior girls at the other end, talking loudly and punctuating the air with chortles and hand gestures as they told some sort of story.
“And then I totally told him he looked completely ridiculous,” the brunette said, holding her stomach as she laughed. “Those pants were far too tight. But Devon didn’t care. He just strutted down the hallway—well, more like an awkward shuffle.”
I snorted, taking a drink of my soda.
A tap on my shoulder drew my attention to my left. I turned, and there was Olivia, peering down at me. Her eyes were a little puffy underneath, with dark circles makeup couldn’t quite hide.
After not talking to her since Monday’s blowout, I was surprised to see her. I took a steadying breath. “Hey.”
“Hey,” she replied, glancing at the still-gabbing girls then at me. “Um, do you have time to talk?”
My heart started pounding, my hands shaking slightly from nervousness. Olivia didn’t sound or look angry anymore. Around her there was an air of solemnity, tinged with a bit of sadness. “Yeah, sure.” I stood, grabbing my soda and trash. A tiny flame of hope flared up in me, but I was too afraid to let it grow.
“I thought we could go to the library,” she said as I pitched my trash.
In silence, we strolled into the library, taking a table far from anyone else. There were a few guys looking through books, but they ignored us. I tried to keep my face neutral yet open as we settled into our seats.
What did Olivia want to say to me? Yeah, she didn’t seem angry anymore, but that didn’t necessarily mean this was going to be a good conversation.
Olivia planted her hands on the table, fingers twisting around each other. She swallowed, touched her hair, swallowed again. Her nervousness, oddly enough, eased up a little bit of mine. I kept my hands in my lap, pressed hard to my thighs, waiting for her to start.
“So, I’ve been thinking about everything the last couple of days. You, me, him, all this stuff going on,” she began. “It’s crazy how complicated and dramatic everything turned.”
I nodded.
“And . . . I know that was partly my fault. Okay, more than just partly.” She sucked in a deep breath, fixing her intense stare on me. “Abbey, I was so mad at you. You knew I really liked Jason.” I opened my mouth to speak, but she held up a hand. “No, wait, please let me finish.”
I bit back the defensive words that had been on my tongue. “Okay.”
“I was mad for a few different reasons. Jason was always . . .” She tilted her head to the side, gaze drifting off as she stared blindly at the shelves behind me. A wistful smile spread on her face. “He was the ‘ungettable get,’ you know? The one guy who was an unattainable dream to me. There’s something unreal about him, the way he draws people in.”
She was right about that. I nodded in agreement.
“So there was no harm in my silly crush because deep down, I knew nothing would ever come of it.” She stared down at the names carved into the surface of the table. “And even though I was upset you didn’t like him, I was secretly glad. Because that meant he could be all mine.”
“I never meant to hurt you,” I said then bit my lower lip. “Olivia, if I could have stopped the way I felt about him, I would have. It’s been . . .” I sighed, letting my words stall out. It didn’t matter anymore, anyway.
Olivia looked up at me, and there was a sheen of tears in her eyes. “I was wrong to be so mad at you. You can’t help the way you feel about him. And I know you fought it. You did because you knew it would upset me.” She paused. “But I was so filled with self-righteous anger that I wasn’t able to see that. Until the play.”
I blinked. So she’d been there. That meant she’d seen the non-kiss. “I didn’t know,” I said. “Given . . . everything going on, I figured you’d have stayed away.”
Her eyes filled with knowing. “You had a moment up there, at the end. I could tell you were supposed to kiss him, but you turned your head. And my gut told me you’d done that out of loyalty to me.” Her voice broke on the last couple of words. “But I’d thrown that friendship away, and I regretted it.”
I reached over, not bothering to fight the tears in my eyes, and squeezed her hand. “I hate that this came between us,” I whispered.
“I don’t want to fight with you anymore.” She sniffled, a tear rolling down her left cheek. “And I don’t want to get in the way of you two being together. I want
you to be happy.”
My own tears burst forth as my heart squeezed tightly. “There is no us. I . . . I misread the situation. I got caught up in the acting and thought he might actually like me, but he doesn’t.”
During gym this morning, Jason hadn’t even looked at me, much less tried to talk to me. It was clear that now that the play was over, things were going back to the way they were before. Us as strangers.
She frowned. “No, that doesn’t seem right. He definitely likes you.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to get into it or bring her down when we were repairing our relationship. “It doesn’t matter,” I said, waving my hand. “What’s done is done, and school will be over soon enough.”
Then there would be a whole summer of no Jason. No reason to even see him. The thought left a hole in me.
“Have you told him how you feel?” Olivia asked.
I scoffed. “And how would I do that?”
She rolled her eyes. “ ‘Dear Jason, I’m madly in love with you. Love, Abbey.’ ”
I gave a genuine chuckle. “You make it sound so easy.”
“It is easy.”
“He’s just . . . he’s been so hot and cold that I don’t know how he really feels.” So many mixed signals. But that last one knocked me for a loop . . . and sent a distinct message. “I can’t put myself out there like that. Because if he told me he didn’t like me, it would—” I stopped, but Olivia knew. It would crush me.
And I wasn’t ready to hear it from him.
“So you’re going to just let him go because you’re too scared?” She shook her head in disbelief. “This is so unlike you.”
“Well, I’ve never fallen for anyone before,” I retorted.
“Do you regret it?”
Did I? In spite of the way things had gone, there was something utterly captivating about this feeling of falling in love. A passion I’d never known existed and wouldn’t have if it weren’t for him.
How could I wish that away? It enriched my life, made me see things through new eyes. Yeah, I’d never have Jason, but I’d always have my feelings. And that had to count for something.
“No,” I answered honestly.
The bell rang. We gathered our stuff and made our way out. Before we reached the door, Olivia pulled me into a tight hug.
“Let’s never fight like this again,” she said, her voice almost hoarse with emotion. “These last couple of weeks have been awful.”
I squeezed her close. “Never,” I swore.
“I still think you should tell him,” she added as she pulled away, guilt flaring up in her eyes. “He should know how you feel.”
We headed to the hallway, slipping into the crowd. “I’ll think about it,” I said, mostly to pacify her and ease her remorse.
With a parting smile, Olivia shuffled off in one direction, and I went in another, glad to have made up with her but unable to lessen the other source of discomfort.
Jason.
Chapter Twenty-One
Abbey,” a deep voice called from behind me.
I turned, squinting at the bright sun as Jason wove through the students exiting school for the day and came toward me, backpack slung over his shoulder. Instantly my heart began beating a rapid staccato.
I remained frozen in place. His eyes were hooded, unreadable, his mouth pressed into a thin line. He looked irritated, taking long strides toward me like a man on a mission. Had I done something to upset him?
He hadn’t said a word to me in World History, keeping his attention firmly on the teacher the entire class period. And when the bell had rang, he’d grabbed his stuff and run out of class like the room was on fire.
“You and I need to talk,” he said point-blank once he reached me. “Do you have time right now?”
My stomach sank. I nodded. While I was happy to have resolved the issues with Olivia, it had drained me. I wasn’t sure I was ready for round two with Jason. But he looked frustrated and obviously needed to talk.
Maybe I could apologize for whatever I’d done. I opened my mouth to start saying I was sorry, but he blurted out, “What’s with you lately? Why are you blowing hot and cold with me? Did I do something to make you mad?”
I blinked, frozen in place. I hadn’t anticipated him being so assertive, but that was Jason. Then his words sank in. A slight tremble ran across my skin. “Wait, me blowing hot and cold?” He was the unreadable one, not me.
He tugged me by the elbow over to the edge of the sidewalk to let a large group of girls pass by. When they were out of hearing range, he said, “Yes. You’ve totally pulled away and are shutting me out. I thought we were friends. But friends don’t treat each other like this.”
A burst of disappointment exploded in me. Friends. That was all we’d been this whole time, and nothing more. I was stupid to think I’d seen any chemistry in his eyes toward me. Obviously I’d misread everything.
Idiot! I cursed myself.
I jerked my elbow out of his hand. “Yes, we’re friends. Nothing has changed. I’m just . . . going through stuff right now.”
Suddenly I wanted to run away, to escape the piercing stare of his eyes. Everything I wanted to tell him was surging to the front of my mouth, desperate to spill out, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be vulnerable to him right now.
“What stuff do you mean? And why have you been brushing me off lately and not talking? And what was with . . .” He cleared his throat, his cheeks burning a bright red. “What was with that kiss during the play?”
Tell him. Tell him. The chant echoed in my brain, but my body trembled with vivid fear of the consequences of the truth. “I couldn’t hurt my friend’s feelings,” I said, hedging a bit.
He blinked, confusion flooding his face and making him squint at me. “Why would our acting hurt someone else?”
“Because Olivia has a crush on you, okay?” I said more forcefully than I meant to. I quieted my tone. “And if she saw—” I stopped, horrified at where that sentence was going to lead.
“If she saw what?” he pressed, stepping closer to me. His warm breath puffed a few tendrils of hair. His eyes were wide, insistent, unflinching. “Why would it be bad for her to see us, Abbey? Tell me.”
My throat closed up. I looked down, staring at his feet. “If she saw us kiss, she’d know . . . that I, I like you. And you’d know too, because I wouldn’t be able to keep it in anymore. And I didn’t want you to know, but now I’ve dug this hole so deep and messed up—”
Suddenly my face was tilted up, and Jason’s mouth was on mine. Warm tingles instantly spread from my lips throughout my body as he kissed me.
He was kissing me!
I was so shocked for a second that I just stood there. Then I melted against him, wrapped my arms around his shoulders, tugging him closer, needing to feel him. He draped his arms around my waist, our bodies curved close. He was strong and lean, his mouth gentle, unforceful as we kissed. My heartbeat slammed throughout my limbs, roared in my ears.
Finally he pulled away, pressing his forehead to mine. “I have wanted to do that for so long,” he whispered.
“Really?” I couldn’t fight the smile on my face. “But why . . . why didn’t you ever tell me?”
He chuckled. “Because you hated me, remember? And I realized once we started our play practice what a jerk I’d been for judging you. I thought you’d never like me, and that I’d killed any hope of you wanting to date me.”
“Well, you were a big jerk,” I teased.
He lifted his head to give me a mock glare. “You didn’t make things easy on me either. You are a very hard person to read.”
Me, hard to read? Here I’d felt like I’d worn every emotion on my face, petrified he was going to figure it out. A thought stopped me. “But . . . why did you look so relieved after we didn’t kiss onstage?”
He furrowed his brow. “Huh? That wasn’t relief at us not kissing. It was relief that I’d be able to go escape and try to gather my thoughts, to figure out ho
w I’d screwed things up.” He paused. “It hurt my feelings that you’d rejected me.”
He’d seen it as rejection. A hot flush of guilt burned my cheeks. No wonder he’d pulled away—he’d misread the situation completely.
The way I’d misread him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, stroking his arm. “I wasn’t rejecting you. But . . . my friend would have seen us kiss, and I was afraid of hurting her. I knew if we did that she’d see my feelings.”
“And what exactly are your feelings?” His eyes were so penetrating as he stared at me.
My flush grew stronger. He liked me, but I loved him. Deeply, passionately, stronger than I ever could have imagined. Maybe I could downplay my feelings and take it slow. And maybe one day, he might feel the same. . . .
He reached one hand up to stroke my cheek, keeping the other firmly pressed on my back. “I love you, Abbey.”
I gasped in a shallow breath.
“I’ve loved you and have struggled with how to show you. Even Braedon could tell—he hasn’t stopped teasing me about it since he saw our last practice.”
At that, I giggled. “Really?”
His face sobered a bit, and a multitude of emotions flickered across his eyes. “Do you think . . . well—”
“I love you too,” I interrupted with a soft whisper, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him into a hug. I didn’t want him to doubt it, or me, anymore. No more secrets. No more confusion.
Just real, true honesty.
I felt the moment he relaxed, pulling me deeper into an embrace. He rested his chin on the top of my head then pressed a kiss to my brow.
“Abbey, I want you to be my girlfriend.”
I looked up at him. His eyes were shining, open. All that emotion had been there the whole time but I hadn’t seen it. Was too afraid to trust in my instincts. But I wasn’t doubting it now. Jason loved me, loved being with me. And he wanted me to be his girlfriend. “I’d love to,” I said, then paused. “But one thing.”
