by Amy Brent
At that moment, Brandt’s face blew into my mind and my heart sank. Visions of him and me drunk and having sex at his place cycled through like a movie. We had been so caught up in the moment, neither of us thought about using protection. How could I be so damn stupid? I sat there, all the color draining from my face as the doctor talked. His words were static in the background, and I felt like my entire world was crashing down on me.
“Emma?”
“Yeah,” I said, pulling myself back. “You said it was Valentine’s Day.”
“That’s my best guess since that is the last time you had sex,” he said. “We’ll know more as time progresses, of course. In the meantime, I’m going to give you a prescription for some anti-nausea medication and prenatal vitamins. I wouldn’t take the vitamins when you’re feeling sick, and definitely take them with food. When you leave, I want you to set up your first prenatal appointment. Okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, staring off into space.
“Emma, take a deep breath. This isn’t the end of the world.” He patted my knee. “Take some time at home. I’ll give you a note for work, and you get your head straight.”
“All right.” I forced a smile as he walked out of the office.
I slowly got dressed. In fact, everything seemed to move in slow motion around me. The nurses smiled sweetly, handing me my appointment cards, prescriptions, and whatever else I would need. I went to the new pharmacy in town, knowing no one there would know who I was when I put in an order for prenatal vitamins. The last thing I needed was the entire town knowing. When my prescription was ready, I paid for it and headed to my house, going inside and sitting down on the couch. I was in a complete daze, my mind thinking about the fact that there was a tiny person growing inside of me, and it was half Brandt’s.
I felt like I was in some terrible made-for-television movie that was there to warn girls about the dangers of one-night stands. I didn’t know anything about Brandt besides the fact that he had a hot body and was pretty sweet-natured. I didn’t know about his medical history, if he was a good father, what he would think about this, nothing. I was carrying his child, and I had no idea who the man really was on the other side of the spectrum. My life felt like it was spinning completely out of control. When I’d said I wanted a change, this was not what I meant at all.
My hand immediately went up to my face, and I thought about the pictures on the refrigerator. The pictures of him and his happy family, all smiles like nothing in the world could go wrong. This was going to completely demolish his wife, and I’d had no idea about her until after I had done the deed. God, I was a terrible person, and now I was going to have to tuck my tail between my legs and find this guy, admitting to what was going on and having to face his family. The little girl he had would be a big sister, and she would think so poorly of me. Everyone would think poorly of me. It was a no-win situation, and I felt like burying myself in the couch and not coming out.
I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and I didn’t even know it until that moment. I knew I felt terrible about what had happened, and Brandt had been on my mind ever since I left New York, but I didn’t think the mistake would spiral so far out of control. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have thrown so much caution to the wind that I got knocked up by a rich guy with a family and knew nothing about him?
My heart started to race faster, and my breathing intensified. I stood up, grabbing my chest, realizing I was having an all-out panic attack. I sat back down and breathed through my hands remembering the bag trick from when I was a kid. I had always been so strong and independent, and now I felt like I was a giant puddle, a mess that needed cleaning up. I felt helpless and alone. I picked up my phone and scrolled down, starting a group message with Gillian and Caroline. I sent them “911” and put the phone on the table, knowing I couldn’t go through this all alone. I needed my support system and a clear mind, so they could help me think all of this through.
It felt like forever, but they were there within ten minutes, bursting through the door like they were going to save me from an attack. They stopped and looked over at me crumpled up with my knees to my chest, sitting on the couch. Both of them looked absolutely terrified, especially since I never had emergencies like this. The last time I sent them the 911 message, I had just witnessed Alex fucking his girlfriend on the kitchen counter. Before that, though, I didn’t think I ever needed them like that. My life was turning into a soap opera, and there was nothing I could do at that point to avoid it.
“What’s wrong?” Gillian said, running over and taking my hand.
“What happened? Are you okay?” Caroline kneeled down in front of me. “You can tell us anything.”
“I went to the doctor today.” I couldn’t speak without starting to cry. “I thought he was going to tell me I had cancer or something, but it’s worse.”
“What is it?”
“I’m pregnant,” I whimpered, breaking into a sob. “I’m pregnant with Mr. New York’s baby, and he’s married!”
They both sat there silently for a moment, looking at me and then looking at each other. I closed my eyes and let the emotions boil over, feeling safer now that I wasn’t alone anymore. Gillian rubbed my back and smiled.
“That isn’t so bad,” she said. “Babies are amazing, and we get to be aunties.”
“Gillian, now is not the time for positive reinforcement,” Caroline said. “Emma, I know this is devastating. I know you’re losing it right now, but you have to take a deep breath. The sooner you accept the situation, the sooner you can move forward to whatever the next step is.”
“You have to find him,” Gillian said. “He’ll be able to help you with things.”
“It’s impossible,” I said. “I don’t even remember where he lives. His name is Brandt and he lives in the most populated city in the entire country. I will never be able to find him.”
Chapter 15
Brandt
It was the first Saturday in a while that I decided to just sit down and relax. I had my feet propped up on the coffee table, basketball on the television, and the house was quiet. My mom had taken Sicily out shopping for the day, leaving me home all alone. I loved being with my daughter, don’t get me wrong, but the idea of shopping for clothes with her and my mother in Jersey was like a real-life nightmare. I picked up the remote control and started flipping through the channels, not really interested in the game on the TV. There wasn’t much on in the middle of a Saturday, and I started to question why I even had cable. We never watched it, and when Sicily watched TV, she mostly went for documentaries on Netflix or something. Just as I was about to put the remote down, there was a knock on the door. I sighed, pulling myself off the couch, not feeling like dealing with company.
I set my beer on the counter and walked over, pulling the door open. There was Josie again with her hands up trying to calm me before I even said anything. I had an extremely high-tech security system, and I still hadn’t thought of looking at the video feed before opening the front door. I was starting to think I was sabotaging myself. I crossed my arms over my chest, reminding myself that the last thing I needed was to get into another argument. I needed to stay calm and cool no matter what she said. The days of Josie upsetting me were long over with, and I had to stop letting her affect my life.
“Brandt, before you turn me away, please hear me out,” she said.
I wanted to shut the door in her face again, to walk away and forget she was ever there, but I couldn’t. The look on her face told me she genuinely wanted to talk, and I was feeling generous and relaxed. I also knew if I didn’t hear her out, she would keep coming back to my house over and over. I sighed and then moved to the side, motioning for her to come in. She smiled and walked into the apartment, looking around at the changes that had been made since she’d left two years before.
“Have a seat in the living room,” I said. “Do you want some coffee?”
“No, thank you.” She headed farther into the
room and sat down on the couch. “I won’t take a lot of your time.”
I poured myself a cup of coffee and walked in after her, sitting down in the chair and moved it to face her. I set the coffee down on the table and leaned forward, pressing my hands together. I was trying to be as nice as I could to my ex-wife, but it was really hard for me.
“What do you want to say? And I will tell you this beforehand, think about your words carefully. I don’t have unlimited patience today,” I said.
“I knew this from the moment I left, and I’ve been thinking about it every day. I felt like the more time that passed, the more impossible it would be for me,” she said. “I made a mistake leaving my daughter. I want to be in Sicily’s life.”
“You understand that Sicily was barely five when you left,” I said. “She has very little memory of you, if any at all. As each day passes, she has less and less memory of you. You’re a stranger to her, someone she doesn’t know like a long-lost aunt or distant family member. She isn’t the child who yearns to be with her mother. She never brings you up, she never talks about you, and the only reason she knows what you look like is that I left pictures of us on the fridge in case she had a question.”
“I know,” she said, putting her head down.
“Sicily was a baby, a baby who was put in the hands of a nanny for most of her infancy and then taken care of me and my mother as a child,” I said. “I know you don’t think two years is a long time because as adults, it isn’t, but that is a third of her life. Not to mention that for the year leading up to your disappearance, you were rarely ever home, running off to be with your secret boyfriend every chance you had.”
“Won’t you just think about it?”
“Even if I were to consider it, which I don’t know if I should, it really isn’t up to me or you, it’s up to Sicily,” I said. “With her not remembering you and her having come to terms long ago with you never coming back, I don’t know if she’ll have any interest in being around you. I haven’t talked bad about you, though. I’ve let your own mistakes speak for you. You don’t know that little girl anymore, and she doesn’t know you.”
“Maybe in time, she can know me,” she said, looking up as the door flew open.
Before I had time to even compute what we were talking about, Sicily came running full speed into the house, across the living room, and jumped into my lap. She took my face in her hands and kissed me, smiling excitedly. My mom walked through the door and stopped, raising an eyebrow and shutting the door behind her.
“I got the most beautiful dress for school,” she said, turning slowly and looking behind her.
Sicily climbed off my lap and took my hand into hers, pulling it up to her chest. She stared over at Josie, blinking as if she were making sure she wasn’t imagining things. She looked at me, and I let out a deep breath, seeing exactly where this was going. I thought about stopping it, from keeping the drama from exploding, but I knew Sicily had the right to face her mother and say whatever was in her head at that moment. She stood up straight and looked Josie in the eye.
“Mother,” she said firmly. “This is definitely a surprise.”
“Sicily,” she said, ignoring the fact that I was trying to cover up a smirk. “You remember me?”
“Only from the pictures my dad left up that I told him to take down months ago,” she said.
“I’m here to find out if you would be willing to get to know me again,” she said. “I’ve missed you, and I want us to be friends.”
“You’ve got to be kidding” Sicily put her hands sassily on her hips. “You left us, me and dad, and you ran off before you ever got to know me. I don’t want anything to do with you. I think you need to leave now.”
“Sicily, please.” Josie reached for her hand.
“No,” Sicily replied, pulling her hand away. “Leave now.”
“You poisoned her against me,” Josie said, grabbing her purse and standing up. “You made sure you continued to punish me, even after I realized my error. You’re a despicable human being, Brandt, and you will pay for this.”
“The only despicable person here is you,” Sicily snapped. “My father has done nothing wrong.”
Josie clenched her teeth together and stormed out, not even looking at my mother. She slammed the door behind her, and I looked up at Sicily. Sicily looked angry and even a little hurt. My mother winked and quietly left the apartment, letting me handle this with her.
“Sweetie, sit down,” I said. “That was a very brave thing for you to do. I want you to know, though, if you want to know your mother, you won’t hurt me. I understand you might be curious about who she is.”
“I’m not curious, Daddy,” she said. “It doesn’t matter who she is. I have you and Grandma. I don’t need her. She can’t come here and expect me to want someone around who never wanted me. I’m okay. Really. I love you for giving me the chance.”
“You are too wise,” I said, hugging her and smiling. “You know what we should do?”
“What?” she asked excitedly.
“What anyone should do on a cold March day in New York,” I said. “We should go get ice cream.”
“Yes!” She threw her arms in the air.
“Go grab your jacket.” I laughed.
We left the apartment and headed over two blocks to her favorite frozen yogurt place. We got big cups of ice cream with all the toppings and sat down in the corner of the restaurant. I watched Sicily stare down at her bowl, thinking.
“What did you get on yours?”
“I got gummy bears, chocolate sprinkles, peanut butter cups, and Oreos,” she said.
“Lord, I’m going to have to let you run it out on the treadmill afterward to get the energy out.”
“How about you? What did you get?”
“Let’s see, I got chocolate sauce and strawberries,” I replied.
“Lame,” she said, giggling. “You never just go crazy at the yogurt bar.”
“You’re right,” I said, chuckling. “Sometimes, only sometimes, I try to be a responsible adult.”
“Daddy? Can I talk to you about something?”
“Sure,” I said. “You can talk to me about anything. What’s up?”
“I know my mother hurt you really bad when she left us,” she said. “But I don’t want you to give up. I want you to find someone who makes you happy again. You’ve been sad for so long, and love would make you feel better. I don’t know what being in love feels like, but I know I love you, and if it’s anywhere close to that, then it would be really good for you. And as far as Josie is concerned, I don’t want her in my life. She left me before she even got to know me. She never sent me a birthday card or a letter, and she just stayed away. My life is great without her, and I can tell how much stress she brings into the house when she comes over. I don’t want to have to be around someone that I don’t love. I don’t want to have to call her mom when she’s never been a mom to me.”
I just sat staring at my little girl, listening to everything she had to say. I knew this was hard for her to completely understand, even as smart and grown up as she was. She was calm and collected, even more so than I had ever been when talking about Josie.
“Maybe later in my life, I’ll change my mind,” she said, shrugging. “Maybe when I’m grown up and I can understand her better, but now I just don’t want her around. She makes me feel bad, and I don’t want to feel bad, especially when I love my life.”
“You’re the smartest little girl I know.” I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “The choice is completely up to you.”
“Thanks, Daddy.” She smiled. “And I meant the other thing too. Find someone who makes you happy.”
Immediately, my thoughts went to Emma again, and I wondered if she was the girl who would make me happy again. I was still on the hunt for her and had not given up hope just yet. I wanted to find her, to find out if she was the one, and then move forward from there. I needed that for me and for Sicily.
Chapter 1
6
Two Months Later
Emma
The pictures on the wall of the OB/GYN office were confusing and slightly terrifying, I had to admit. The way they carved out the woman’s body and showed the baby inside looked really uncomfortable. I was at my three-month checkup, and though I couldn’t get a sonogram because the machine was down, I had some important blood work done. I stood in the office waiting for the doctor to return, noticing the tightness of my shorts on my stomach for the first time. The door opened, and my doctor walked in with a smile on his face. I let out the deep breath trapped in my lungs and sat down.
“Everything looks wonderful,” he said. “And even though we couldn’t get the sonogram done today, I could hear the heartbeat, and everything is right on track. Your blood work shows that you’re getting all your vitamins and minerals, your weight is steady, and your body is healthy and happy.”
“That’s great,” I said, smiling. “Thank you.”
“Just check out with the nurse, and they’ll schedule your next appointment.”
“Thank you.”
I pulled on my shoes and soaked in the relief at the good news. It was about time I had some sort of good news in my life. Still, there was a dismal feeling in my gut that had been there since I found out I was pregnant, and I hadn’t been able to shake it. It was like this dark thought waiting for me to accept. I hated that I couldn’t just be happy, that the reality of life kept slapping me in the face over and over. I wanted to be on Gillian’s level, who had already started showing me baby stuff and getting excited about being an aunt. I was just taking things one day at a time, and right then, knowing everything was good on the inside, all the outside stuff started to overwhelm me.
