by Amy Brent
“I don’t know what happened between you and Emma,” she said. “But I know she loved you and you love her. You had to be blind not to see it. You need to get her back.”
I chuckled, spooning sauce over my spaghetti and handing Sicily the bowl. I sat there for a moment, thinking about what to say. How could I possibly explain this whole thing to a seven-year-old? She may be a genius, but she was still a kid and had no real comprehension of how the world worked, especially not adult relationships.
“Sicily, if it were that simple, she would be here right now,” I said. “Life is not that simple, and I don’t expect you to get that. You will understand when you get older how these things tend to work. I’m sorry that you’re hurt that Emma is gone. Trust me, I wish I could magically clap my hands and get her back, but I can’t.”
“That’s crap.” She slammed down her fork.
“Sicily,” I said, trying to calm her.
“No,” she said. “Adults always make things so dramatic and so stupid. It is that easy. You just go to her, tell you that you love her, that we need her, and that whatever happened, never should have. It is that simple. You’re just scared. You’re scared because, for a second, we were going to be happy.”
“Sicily,” I said, watching her stand up.
“And what about my brother or sister? Are you just going to let them go because it’s too complicated?” she shouted out as she turned and walked to her room, slamming the door.
I was completely caught off guard by Sicily’s reaction. I knew she was upset that Emma left, but I hadn’t realized how important Emma was to her. I stared over at her plate, thinking about what she’d said. Maybe I wasn’t giving my daughter enough credit. Maybe I was the one who didn’t understand. She had such a childlike way of looking at it, and that was almost a blessing. She could cut through the bullshit and see what really mattered. She could see that I loved Emma, and she loved me, and in the end, that was all that mattered. She had bonded with her new sibling before it had even arrived, and in the back of my mind, so had I. She was right, I couldn’t let that go without a fight.
I wiped my mouth and put my napkin on my plate, pushing back and crossing my legs. Maybe all I needed to do was get on a plane, go to Camden, and make her listen. I was complicating everything because I was scared. That was something Sicily had picked up on really fast. I wasn’t scared of having a family, though, I was scared of finding out that the dream was really dead in the water. If I kept fighting myself, fighting her voice mail and texts, and fighting Josie’s snide texts, I would never be able to fix this. I would always keep wondering if there was a chance, wondering if my child was out there somewhere with the love of my life thinking about me.
Chapter 32
Emma
I was at the two-week mark from when my life had come tumbling down on top of me. I tried to tell myself and convince others that I was doing better, but on the inside, I still felt empty. The cry that night a week before hadn’t done anything for me except make my eyes swollen and dehydrate me. I was like a walking robot, unsure if I was going to ever feel anything other than unhappiness ever again. My mind wanted to feel better, it really did, but my heart would send shooting pain into my stomach, and I would be reminded of how shitty everything had gotten. I was trying to give myself time to heal, trying to make myself start to integrate back into society, but it really wasn’t working that well. That day I was out with the girls, following around after them trying to feel better.
We sat down at the café and ordered our lunch, and I watched all the people walking around in a happy daze. I wanted to be one of those people so badly, the kind of person who was completely oblivious to how cruel the world could be. I could feel the girls staring at me, but I had gotten used to that feeling at that point. They were always staring at me, trying to decide what to talk about next.
“So, how are you feeling with the pregnancy?” Gillian asked. “Are you still nauseous?”
“Sometimes,” I said, forcing myself into the conversation. “Not as bad as the beginning, but definitely worse than when I was in New York.”
“Do you think it’s the stress?” Caroline asked.
“Probably,” I said.
“Have you thought of any names for the baby yet?” Gillian asked excitedly.
In reality, I hadn’t and really didn’t have any plans on thinking about it at that time. Maybe when I felt better I would, but at that time, I didn’t feel pleasure in anything. We sat there talking about the baby, the nursery, and everything else that didn’t have to do directly with Brandt for about an hour. I pushed my food around, eating enough to make them happy but stopping there. I really had no appetite and only ate enough to stay healthy. When we were done, we headed over to the department store in town for Caroline to get some shopping done.
I browsed around through the racks, looking at all the clothes that wouldn’t fit me, just trying to get my mind to concentrate on something other than Brandt. It was driving me insane, and it was starting to make me really frustrated. I was more than some rich guy’s ex-girlfriend, and I’d had a life before him. I just couldn’t seem to remember what it was like. I sighed and walked around the corner, grabbing onto the rack as the place spun slightly around me. I rubbed my belly, feeling a tightening sensation and a pain in my back.
“Hey, are you okay?” Caroline said, walking up.
“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” I said, smiling. “Just got a little dizzy. It happens sometimes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” I said, brushing it off and figuring it was the anxiety and stress that was plaguing me at every waking moment.
“Come look at the maternity clothes.” She smiled. “You need some new clothes.”
“All right,” I said, taking her hand and walking over to that section. “Maybe I can find some sweaters. I’ve been so cold the last couple of days. I even turned my air conditioning off, and I am still freezing.”
“Okay.” Caroline smiled. “They actually have a bunch on clearance.”
We walked over, and I browsed through the sweaters, picking out a couple and trying them on for Caroline. She chose three of them, mostly ones that were open in the front, and I smiled, trying to be excited about new clothes. I ended up picking out a couple of pairs of pants, a couple tank tops, and then went over to the baby section for the first time. Retail therapy seemed to be brightening my mood a bit, so I was going to go for it. Caroline pulled me over to the bedding section, and we talked about the different choices. I really liked the blue and grey cloud motif and so did Gillian. I told them we could all come back the next week and do a baby registry, which of course, thrilled them.
When we were done there, I went over to the clothes and picked out two little outfits, stopping at the stuffed animals and pulling out a furry bunny. I held it tightly to my chest, thinking about my future as a single mother. Before the tears started to collect, I took a deep breath and headed to the register. I needed to get out of there before I got upset again. Caroline jumped in, not letting me pay for anything.
“It’s my treat,” she said, smiling. “Because I love you and that baby.”
“Thank you.” I leaned in and kissed her cheek.
The three of us walked hand in hand down the escalator and to the doors. The automatically slid open, and I looked down trying not to trip over my own feet. I felt both of them squeeze my hands tightly as we exited, stopping abruptly.
“Guys,” I said, looking up, and then my smile quickly faded. “Brandt.”
“Come on, Emma,” Caroline said.
“Emma, please,” Brandt said, putting up his hands.
“You need to just keep walking,” I said, swallowing hard. “You need to go.”
“Emma, I flew all the way here. Again. I just want two minutes of your time, please,” he said. “Just hear me out. Whatever you think you know, it’s not true, and I can prove it. There has been a huge misunderstanding, and if you would listen, I can explain ever
ything.”
“Enough,” I screamed.
I stood there getting angrier by the second. I clenched my fists shut and closed my eyes, trying to calm down, but I couldn’t. My head was filled with visions of Josie, sitting in the living room of his apartment, crying about how he had told her that they had a chance to fix things. I could see her face, the pain that was on it, the truth spilling out of her. I could still feel the sledgehammer that hit me in the chest that day, and it was still there, still stuck in my broken and bleeding heart. How could he have the audacity to come back here and try to tell me something different like I was stupid? Like I didn’t know the difference between lies and truth. My heart was pumping in my chest, and for the first time since I came back, I was actually feeling something, and that feeling was complete and total rage. I wanted to tear him apart right there in the street.
“Emma,” Caroline whispered as I opened my eyes and looked at her. “He’s not worth it. Let’s just go, come on.”
“She’s right,” Gillian said squeezing my hand. “You don’t have to do this anymore. You don’t owe him a thing. You’re in control of whether you let him get into your head. Don’t let him make you even more upset than you already are. Hasn’t he done enough damage?”
Gillian was right about one thing; he had done enough damage to my life and to the life of my child. He had turned me into a self-loathing, pitiful human being because of the lies he told. And as he stood there looking all broken up, I just got more enraged. How dare he act like he was in so much pain. I was the one who was suffering, not him. I let go of Caroline and Gillian’s hands and walked up to him, getting inches from his face.
“I never, never, want to see you again,” I said. “I want you to turn around, get in your car, get on your plane, and go back to your other family in New York City. Leave me alone, leave my child alone, and don’t ever come back here again.”
I paused for a moment, watching a single tear trickle down his cheek. For one moment, just a glimmer in my timeline, I felt like maybe I was wrong. Seeing that tear pushed a seed of doubt right into my mind, but I wasn’t going to have that happen again. I remembered the promise I made to myself, the naiveté that I had shown when I had let him back in the first place. I stiffened my jaw and clenched my shaking hands. I shook my head and turned, taking two steps and stopping. My feet cemented me in place, and I looked up in confusion at Caroline and Gillian. Suddenly, a sharp pain shot through my stomach, and my knees buckled. I grabbed onto my belly, my bags falling to the ground. I moaned out, letting my entire body lay on the sidewalk.
Everything moved in slow motion from that point on. I lay there whispering to my baby, telling it to be strong, telling it I was right there. I could feel a tear trickle down my face as I stared at the fuzzy bunny lying halfway out of the bag. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t talk, and everything around me was hazy.
“Emma,” Caroline screamed, running over and bending down beside me.
I could hear her asking me questions, but it was like I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying. All I could think about was my baby and how much pain I could feel. The street was spinning around me, and I closed my eyes tightly, trying to get rid of the movement. I breathed in and out, feeling my heart racing in my chest. I didn’t know what was going on, but at that moment, all I could feel was fear and helplessness. I opened my mouth and whispered the only thing I knew to say.
“Brandt.”
“I’m here,” he whispered, pulling his head away from me. “Caroline, where is your car?”
“Right over there,” I heard her say frantically.
“Go, get it started,” Brandt yelled.
I opened my eyes as Gillian picked the bunny up off the ground and out of my view. I was afraid to move, afraid that if I even so much as wiggled, everything would fall apart. Brandt leaned over and pushed his hands underneath my body and lifted me up in the air, cradling me in his arms. I lay my head on his shoulder, knowing whether I liked it or not, he was the only thing that was going to get me to the hospital at that moment. I could feel every footstep vibrating through my body as he jogged down the block. All he kept saying into my ear over and over again was how sorry he was. He ran up to Caroline’s car, and Gillian opened the front passenger door. He gently sat me down and pulled the seat belt around me, rubbing my forehead and looking me in the eyes before pulling back and slamming the door. I watched out the window as he stepped up onto the curb and put his hand to his head, watching Caroline pull out into the street and race off toward the hospital.
“It’s going to be okay,” Caroline said, glancing over at me. “We’re going to get you seen to.”
When we pulled up at the ER, they rushed out and carefully pulled me out, my hands still clutched tightly around my belly. From there, it was a whirlwind of events, and all I could do was watch the nurses and doctors move around me frantically. No one would tell me what was going on, so I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. I felt so alone, like no one in the world was by my side.
Chapter 33
Brandt
When I watched Emma fall to her knees, grabbing her belly, my heart just stopped beating right then and there. Everything slowed down, and I could see her whispering to herself as she lay on the sidewalk, her bags falling to the ground. I had looked over at one of them, seeing a fuzzy bunny with a big yellow bow and my heart shattered. I had followed along behind Caroline to the hospital and taken a seat in the waiting room, jumping every time the doors opened to the back. I had never felt fear or anxiety like I was feeling in that waiting room. I sat in the chair thinking about Emma and everything that had happened, from the first moment I ever saw her to the moments that had just passed.
That black dress she wore on Valentine’s Day still sparkled in my mind, matching the glimmer in her eye as we joked and talked all night long. I could feel the shock and pain when I woke up the next day, determined to find her. And I could still feel the hope in my heart when we made love in New York, talking about the baby and our future together. All of that was crashing down in a small hospital in Camden, Maine, and all because of my bitch of an ex-wife. Josie had been the reason for every bad thing that had ever happened to me. She had been the reason I fell into a depression, the reason I couldn’t provide Sicily with the kind of love only a mother could give, and now she was the reason I was there, bringing Emma literally to her knees.
Just thinking about Josie, about the smug look on her face, the laughter as I searched the apartment for Emma brought anger rising back up in my chest. She was everything that was wrong with this world, everything that I hated, and now she had taken Emma from me without even a whisper of remorse. She had damaged Sicily, me, and now Emma, and if she were there, I didn’t know if I could control myself. I couldn’t bear to think about Emma in that hospital bed, curled up, scared, hurt, and so fragile. My mind raced through all the scenarios that could be happening. What if she lost the baby? What if she had gotten so upset that it caused some sort of damage that they couldn’t fix? What if she was in danger, and I lost both of them in one fell swoop? What if everything we had became a memory in just one second of anger and distrust?
I shook my head and pulled my hands up to my face. I could barely keep it together sitting there wondering and waiting. My mind was taking this to the worst places, and I needed to snap out of it. I leaned back in the chair and tilted my head back, taking in a deep breath and slowly letting it out. When my heart had slowed, I looked around the waiting room at all the people sitting there. There were people waiting to be seen, family with worried faces waiting on those already in the back, and children playing in the kid’s corner. Every single one of them had someone there, holding their hands, patting their backs, and comforting them through that difficult time.
That was what was supposed to happen when you loved someone. You were supposed to be there for them, helping them over the hurdles in life, comforting them in a time of crisis. You were not supposed to be the person sitting there wonde
ring if you had just severely hurt the love of your life and your unborn child. God, how could I be so stupid? I should have known that showing up like that would only make her more upset. I had caused this woman so much pain and anxiety in her life, and when it was the worst, I only aided in exasperating the situation. I should have left it alone from the beginning, taking Trevor’s advice and moving on, but I couldn’t see through my own selfishness to know she would have been better off without me. In fact, that child probably would be better off without me as well. But it was too late, and the damage had been done.
I sat beating myself up, watching as the clock ticked slowly by. The sound of the backroom doors opening made me look up, and I jumped to my feet when I saw Caroline walking out. She looked around the room and nodded, seeing me standing nervously to the side. She walked over rubbing her hands together and looked up at me. My heart was about to explode in my chest.
“Emma and the baby are okay,” she said.
“God, thank God,” I said putting my hand to my chest. “What happened?”
“She was dehydrated and exhausted,” Caroline said. “She’s been struggling since she came back from New York, and we were there for her as much as we could, but she’s stubborn.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said shaking my head. “You guys are amazing friends to her. I’m so glad she has you. Are they going to release her?”
“Not tonight,” Caroline said. “They want to keep her overnight for observation, just to make sure everything’s okay, monitor the baby’s heartbeat, and get her a good amount of fluids. They also gave her something for anxiety and that helped lower her heartbeat too. The dehydration will cause irregular heart activity. She’ll be leaving in the morning.”
