His bronzed face reddened to deep brick. “I can see that. Why you’d go off in such a damn hurry?”
“I needed to be alone.”
“On the beach? Must’ve been a thousand people out today.”
That was an exaggeration. “Okay, fine. I needed to get away from you for a little while.”
He jerked back. “Me? What did I do? And don’t change the subject. I was worried.”
“Why were you worried, Zane?”
“Because, damn it. I had no idea where you were. You could’ve gotten swept up by a wave, or some lunatic could’ve grabbed you, or you might have fallen and gotten hurt. You didn’t have your cell phone with you. How was I supposed to know if you were all right? Who goes jogging for four hours?”
“I needed to think.”
“So, did you?”
“Yes, up on Moon Point.”
Zane rolled his eyes. “You climbed the Point?”
“It wasn’t hard.”
The sound of teeth grinding reached her ears, but he didn’t say another word.
A sigh wobbled in her throat before she released it. She laced her fingers with his and he gazed down at their hands entwined.
“Zane,” she said, softening her voice. “You were worried because you care some about me, but also because you feel responsible for me. You promised my mom that you’d watch out for me. Don’t deny it. I know it’s true. You didn’t want to fail her. I get that. I actually appreciate that. But you don’t have to worry about me. I’m not the same weak, heartbroken Jess that showed up on your door more than a month ago. I’ve changed.”
A genuine spark of sincerity flickered in his eyes. “You’re amazing, Jess. Strong and smart and funny and beautiful.”
She hesitated a beat. His compliments nearly destroyed her. “Don’t say nice things to me.”
“They’re true.”
“There you go again, Zane.”
“Can’t help it.”
“I’m leaving tomorrow.” She had to be strong now. She couldn’t show him how her heart was cracking at this very second.
“No, you’re not.”
She nodded. She wouldn’t be persuaded.
“What can I say to make you stay?”
She could think of a dozen things, but she remained silent.
“Why, Jess? What’s happened? You owe me an explanation.”
In a way, she did. “You asked what you could say to make me stay? Well, I’ve got something to tell you to make you rethink that.”
He squeezed her hand. “Never going to happen, Jess.”
“I took a pregnancy test yesterday.” The words were hard to get out, and tears burned behind her eyes unexpectedly. She was through with crying. Yet one lonely drop made its way down her cheek.
Breath rushed out of his mouth. The gasp was loud enough to wake the dead. He blinked several times, staring at her as if trying to make sense of what she’d just said. His hands dropped to his sides. He probably didn’t even know they had. Just like that, she had her answer.
All remnants of anger left his eyes. They filled with...fear. And he began shaking his head as if he’d heard wrong. “You took a pregnancy test?”
“Yes. I’ve been feeling tired and nauseated and, well, I had some other symptoms.”
The fear spread to his face, which seemed to turn a putrid shade of avocado green. At any minute, he might be the one upchucking. His body, on the other hand, became one rigid piece of granite.
“I’m not pregnant.”
A sigh from the depths of his chest rushed out uncontrollably fast, his breath tumbling nosily. The relief on his face drifted down to the rest of his body, and his form sagged heavily. He looked like a man who’d been given a reprieve from the worst fate in the world.
Sadly, his reaction didn’t really surprise her. She’d known all along. He didn’t want her child. He couldn’t handle the commitment of loving another human being more than anything else in the world. He’d been there, done that once in his life. He was still plenty scarred up on the inside, but his scars also showed in his lack of commitment to his career, his floundering around, trying to reinvent himself as an actor, maybe? Or a restaurant entrepreneur. He had clipped wings, and breaking his foot had served as a means for Zane to put a temporary halt to his life.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have told you,” she whispered. “Kept my trap shut.”
“No, no. I’m glad you did.” He straightened, the gentleman and dutiful decent man that he was taking hold. But nothing could’ve hurt her more than seeing, living his response. Witnessing the somber truth in his frightened eyes for those brief moments had dissected her heart.
Yet a ridiculously hopeful part of her wished he might have been glad or even receptive to the idea of her having his child. Even if it wasn’t planned. Even if it hadn’t been conceived in wedlock.
When Janie had told Zane about her pregnancy, he’d been over-the-moon happy. He sent her flowers every day for a week. He hired a decorator and told her to fix up a nursery any way she wanted. He’d written a song for the baby, a soothing lullaby meant only for their new family. He’d told his friends, his fans and the press. The town of Beckon had rejoiced. Their golden boy was going to be a father.
Now Zane reclaimed her hands. His were cold and clammy, and another pang singed her heart. “I wouldn’t want you to go through something like that without telling me. I, uh, want you to know that if things had turned out differently, we would’ve worked it out, Jess.”
She didn’t want to know what he meant by working it out. How did one work out having a baby? It didn’t sound like flowers and sweet lullabies. “I know. And now you understand why I have to leave tomorrow.”
She couldn’t find fault with him. She knew if he could’ve made her feel better, he would have. But the man didn’t have it in him. He didn’t love her. He was through with commitment. He’d already had the one great love in his life. The stony expression on his face said it all.
A cold blast coated her insides. The frost would linger even through the Texas heat of home. She loved Zane and wanted to have his child. But he would never know her feelings. He would come to think of her as his wife’s sister again.
Sweet Jess.
She wasn’t destined for love.
“I’ll pack my bags tonight, Zane. Don’t bother to see me off. I’m leaving before dawn.”
Eleven
Jessica was all about change now, moving the desks around her classroom in a new way. She wanted to see each of her students’ faces when she taught in front of the blackboard. Making a connection to them was of the utmost importance. She didn’t want to see their profiles but look directly into their eyes to gauge their level of attention and encourage their participation. She had her lesson plans all laid out, her mind spinning about the mark she would make on her students’ lives. Who didn’t remember their first-grade teacher? And she hoped they would one day think upon her fondly and know she cared.
School started in Beckon just after Labor Day, one week from today. She was eager for the semester to begin, eager to put the past behind her. Scraping sounds echoed in the classroom as she moved chairs across the linoleum floor. She was actually working up a sweat. The summer heat hadn’t relented yet. September was just as hot as June in Texas.
Just minutes ago, Steven had knocked on her door. She’d been surprised to see him, but one look at his sheepish face and she knew she’d never really loved him in that forever kind of way. He’d offered her excuse after excuse and finally apologized to her. She’d listened patiently and let him have his say, all the while thinking he’d actually done her a favor by not marrying her, brutal as it had been. When he was through, it was her turn to speak. She didn’t
swear, didn’t get angry, but calmly and very systematically gave him a piece of her mind and then dismissed him.
The new Jess had finally been heard, and it had been liberating.
She kept her hands busy maneuvering desks, not wasting another minute on Steven. But in the silence of her classroom, her mind drifted back to Zane, as it always seemed to do, and her last day in California.
Zane wouldn’t let her leave on her own that morning. He’d gotten up before dawn, insisting on driving her to the airport. He had no clue how terribly hard it was for her to say goodbye. He had no way of knowing that her rebound guy had become her Mr. Right and that he’d taught her what love was truly about.
Thanks to airport regulations, Zane couldn’t walk her to her boarding gate, but he’d handled her luggage and helped her get as far as he could without garnering a reprimand from security. Luckily, it was the butt crack of dawn, as her friend Sally would put it, and the Zane Williams fan club members obviously weren’t early risers. Zane had told her in the car that he didn’t care if he was recognized or if the paparazzi were following them—which they weren’t. He wanted to see her off.
“Well,” he said, dropping her luggage at his feet and taking both of her hands. His dark lashes lowered to her, framing beautiful brown eyes that seemed to give her a view into his soul. “I’ll miss the hell out of you, sweetheart.”
He had a way with words. The corner of her mouth lifted. How could she not love this man who’d braved Homeland Security, a possible rash of Super Fans and the ungodly early hour to wish her farewell?
“Thank you, Zane.” She looked away, into the street that was starting to swarm with taxicabs and buses. She couldn’t tell him she’d miss him. That would be the understatement of the century. “I appreciate you letting me stay with you. I’ll miss...California.”
She’d become a California girl, by Beach Boy standards.
He moved his hands up her arms, caressing her skin, and she began to prickle everywhere he touched.
“Won’t you miss me a little?”
“I can’t answer that, Zane.” Don’t make me.
He nodded, and his magic hands continued up her arms. “I won’t ever forget the time we’ve spent together. It’s meant a lot to me.”
Her eyes squeezed shut to hold back tears. She filled her lungs, steadied herself and stared right back at him. “I won’t forget, either. I’d better go. They’ll be boarding soon.”
“Just a sec,” he said and then planted a kiss on her lips that would’ve brought her to her knees if he hadn’t been holding her arms. He kissed her for all he was worth. And then he moved his hands to her face and cradled her cheeks, lifting her chin to position his mouth once again and stake a claim in a whopper of a kiss that brought her up onto her toes.
When the kiss ended, he pressed his forehead to hers, and they stood that way for a long time with eyes closed, their breaths mingling.
Over the loudspeaker, her flight was announced. It was time to board.
“Damn,” Zane muttered and stepped back.
She lifted her luggage and began the trek that took her away from the man she loved.
He didn’t ask her to stay this time.
They both knew it was over.
She had walked away from him and never did look back.
Jess shook off that memory and after accomplishing what she set out to do in the classroom, she climbed into her car and turned on the radio. Zane’s melodic voice came across the airwaves. “Great, just great.” She didn’t need any reminders of how much she missed him. She punched off the radio and cruised along the streets of Beckon, aiming her car for home.
She needed a good soak in the tub.
Or better yet, she’d go soak her head and be done with it.
* * *
“Happy birthday, Jessica. How’s my girl today?”
“Hi, Mama.” Jessica left the curb in front of her apartment and bounded around the front end of her mother’s car. Climbing into the passenger seat, she leaned in for a kiss. Mama planted one right smack on her cheek. The none-too-subtle scent of Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds perfume matched the heavy humidity in the air, but it was comforting in a way, since the classic scent defined her mama to a T. And today of all days, Jess and her mother needed the comfort.
Mama wasn’t the best driver, but she insisted on picking her up and driving today. Thankfully the roads in Beckon weren’t complicated or crowded, because the way her mother drove scared the daylights out of her. She clutched the steering wheel like a lifeline and rocked the darn thing from side to side with nervous jerks. Amazingly the car continued down the road in a straight line.
She looked over her shoulder at an arrangement of bubblegum-pink daylilies and snow-white roses. “Pretty flowers, Mama.”
“Janie’s favorites. I’ve got a bunch for you back at the house, sweet darlin’.” It had become a ritual to visit Janie’s grave on their mutual birthday. Neither of them would have it any other way.
The cemetery was on the edge of town, and it didn’t take long to get there. They both stepped out of the car and walked fifty feet to the beautiful monumental headstone that Zane had had constructed. “Looks like someone’s already been here today,” Mama said.
More than a dozen velvety red and white roses shot up from the in-ground vase. “Zane probably had them sent.” He wouldn’t forget Janie’s birthday. He’d always made a big deal of it when she was alive, hunting for the perfect gift for her, making her day special in any way he could.
“I don’t think he had them sent,” Mama said, pointing to one rose in particular. “Look at that.”
“His guitar pick,” Jessica said softly. Black with white lettering, the pick placed between opened petals read, “Love, Zane.”
“He’s in town, Jess.”
“Don’t be silly, Mama. Zane doesn’t come here. If he was in Beckon, it’d be all over the news by now. You know how the town loves him.”
“And so do you, Jessica.”
“Mama,” she breathed quietly. “No.”
“Yes, you do. You love that man. There’s no need denying it. He’s a fine man, decent, and oh, boy, he loved your sister like there was no tomorrow, but Janie’s gone. And Lord knows I wish she wasn’t, but if you two have something—”
“Mama, I wish Janie wasn’t gone. I really do, with all my heart. But you’ve got it wrong.” She wished her sister had lived. Her baby would’ve been almost two by now, and she’d be the favorite aunt. Aunt Jess. Janie and Zane were meant for each other.
She was a poor substitute for the real thing.
“We’ll see.”
Jess ignored her mama’s ominous reply and hoped that Zane wasn’t within one hundred miles of Beckon. Make that one thousand.
Mama laid the flowers down, and both said a silent prayer. They stayed like usual, half an hour, talking to Janie, catching her up on news. Then, with tears welling in their eyes, said goodbye. It was always the hardest day of the year, sharing a birthday with her sister and being able to live out her birthdays while Janie’s were cut short.
Mama pulled through the cemetery gates and onto the road. “How about some barbecue for your birthday dinner? I invited Sally and Louisa and Marty to join us.”
Her mother, bless her soul, didn’t get to grieve for Janie fully on a day that would maybe bring about some healing. Because it was Jessica’s birthday as well, she had to put on a cheery front, plaster a smile on her face and pretend her heart wasn�
�t breaking.
“Sure, Mama, that sounds good.”
Sally, her best friend, and Louisa, her mama’s dear friend, would be there. Marty was Louisa’s daughter and also a schoolteacher. Jessica sort of got Marty’s friendship by default, which was okay by her. Marty was a wonderful person.
The parking lot at BBQ Heaven was full by the time they got there. Odd for a weeknight, and though the place had new owners who’d changed the name of the restaurant from Beckon Your Bliss BBQ, it still served the best barbecue beef sliders and tri-tip in three counties. There were times back in California when she’d craved those smoky, hickory-laced meals. Now her mouth watered.
They met their friends outside and entered the place together. Seating for five wasn’t a problem, it seemed. Her mama must’ve made reservations. They were seated at the best crescent-shaped Red Hots candy-colored booth in the restaurant. Mama and Louisa sat in the middle so they could gab, and Jessica and her friends shared the end seats.
“Thank you all for coming,” Jessica said. She was getting her life back in order. Seeing Marty and Sally helped. Of course, Sally knew all. She’d picked her up from the airport when she’d returned from Moonlight Beach, and Jessica had spilled the beans. She’d sworn Sally to secrecy that day, as if they were in high school, Jess finding a way to trust a friend again. It was all good.
“Sure thing, friend. Happy birthday. Wish I was twenty-six again,” Marty said with a lingering sigh.
Louisa rolled her eyes. “You’re only twenty-eight, sugar.”
“I know, Mom, but twenty-six was a good year for me.”
Sally gave Marty a look, and all three of them laughed.
“Happy birthday, Jessica,” Louisa said, her voice somber. “I hope you can find some joy today.”
“I’m sure she will,” Mama said with enough certainty to make Jess turn her way. Her mother’s light emerald eyes were dewy soft and smiling. It was great to see her so relaxed.
The waitress came by their table. Everyone ordered a different dish for sharing, with five different sides as well, garlic mashed potatoes, white cheddar mac and cheese, bacon baked beans, almond string beans and corn soufflé. No one would go home hungry.
Her Forbidden Cowboy Page 17
