The letter to M’Tek was one of the more difficult letters I’d ever composed, and left me feeling queasy for the remainder of the day. Part of the difficulty lay in my belief that both Lore and M’Tek were at least partially responsible for Lia being raped. They had pushed her to join with a man she did not love, and that neither of them, apparently, knew. My mind shifted back to Ania, and her anxiety over joining with Fen’Tun. For the first time I felt I’d failed Lia’s sister.
About ten days after our letters left Lauderdam, a courier from Lareem Palace arrived with the Fae Queen’s response. Lia received a letter from M’Tek as well, which she didn’t share with me, and never commented upon. I received a short personal response to my letter, which I gladly shared with Lia. M’Tek thanked me for setting her mind at ease as to Lia’s whereabouts. She also included a less than enthusiastic blessing on our joining, closing with a vague mention of gratitude for my offer of hospitality.
I was particularly familiar with M’Tek’s subtle way of communicating. In fact, after years spent as her assistant, I was able to mimic her writing style quite effectively. I judged the wording of her letter as curt, and knew she was angry, but at least she had responded. To my knowledge, Lore sent no word, either to me, or to her daughter. My fear of the Noge Queen descending on Lauderdam and attempting to reclaim her lost child was unfounded. Lore had no intention of acknowledging Lia’s continued existence, apparently. Lia, for her part, didn’t seem troubled by the chasm between them.
Everything seemed to be going well over the following weeks. Lia was recovering from the ordeal of her journey, and enjoying the absolute freedom her new life afforded. She rode out on Khol most mornings, spending time exploring those thousands of acres of woods just outside our door. She had seemed tense the past few mornings, but I expected her mood would lighten as time passed.
Then, one awful morning, I hadn’t seen Lia since just after breakfast, as I’d been in my office working. I imagined her out on Khol, enjoying the beautiful late spring weather. I thought of suggesting an afternoon swim in the glacier lake we’d discovered on our first ride through the woods. I stretched as I stood up from the account books I was working on, and then headed back to my bedchamber to change into my riding breeches, intent on finding Lia in the woods.
As I glanced around the room, I noticed Lia’s new riding boots propped against the end of the bed. This puzzled me, since I had watched Lia dressing in her breeches that morning. Without her boots, she wouldn’t be riding. I went into our bath chamber and found her still dressed for riding, and sitting on the floor in the corner. Her arms were wrapped around her knees and her forehead pressed to them. When I approached, she lifted her head and silently watched me. Her eyes were red. She’d been crying.
“Darling, what’s wrong?” I asked, crouching down beside her on the warm stone floor.
“I’m sorry, Pet,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have forced you into joining with me.”
“You’ve never forced me to do anything, Lia,” I replied, frightened by her manner. “I love you. That’s why I joined with you. I thought everything was going well between us. Do you regret it already?” I asked, smiling and trying to keep my tone light, as I reached out to caress her cheek with the backs of my fingers.
“You’ll regret it,” she whispered, tilting her head toward my hand. “I never will.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said, laughing. “You’ve made me happier than I ever imagined possible. Now, tell me what’s troubling you so I can take care of it.”
“I can’t,” she whispered. “You’ll be angry.”
“There’s nothing you could say right now that would make me angry with you,” I replied. She studied me, as if trying to determine whether what I said was true.
“I haven’t bled,” she finally explained.
“You haven’t what?” I asked before understanding dawned. “You think you’re…,” I stopped quickly, intent on keeping my voice calm, though I felt anything but. “How late are you?”
“Over a week,” she whispered.
“It’s too soon to think the worst,” I replied without thinking. Lia’s expression fell as tears began streaming down her cheeks again. Apparently, she already knew.
“I’ve never been a day late,” she replied. “Whatever else was happening in my life, that one occurrence could be counted upon.”
“But you suffered an ordeal. You were starving and dehydrated when you arrived here. That could easily cause you to be late,” I said, trying to reassure her.
“Do you really believe that?” she asked, desperately wanting to believe me.
“It’s entirely possible,” I said, rocking forward onto my toes to capture her lips. “I don’t want you to worry about this,” I said against her lips. She drew back from me.
“What? Of course I’m worried,” she said, surprised.
“But there’s no need. I know what to do, and how to make the potions we’ll need. I’ll make certain you’re safe,” I said. “I doubt you’re pregnant, but if you are, we can stop it from coming.”
“I can’t kill an innocent child,” she replied, her eyes filling with tears again. “Please, Pet. I can’t. Don’t ask me…”
“I love you with all my heart,” I said, stopping her from pleading with me by wrapping my arms around her. “I only want what you want,” I said gently. “But likely you’re not even pregnant.”
“Then you won’t ask me to kill it,” she observed solemnly.
“I won’t make you do anything,” I promised her. “It’s your choice, Lia, not mine.”
“What then?” she asked. “You can’t possibly want his child. Will I have to choose between having you and killing this baby? Because I don’t think I can make that choice.”
“If there even is a child, it’s yours, not his. And I’ll do anything, Lia, anything, to see you happy. That means, if you’re pregnant, and you chose to carry it, I will love your child,” I assured her, uncertain whether I actually believed what I was saying. Lia believed me though, and that was all that mattered just then. I felt the tension fade from her shoulders as she relaxed against me. There was still a possibility she wasn’t pregnant, I reminded myself as I focused to remain calm. Maybe I wouldn’t be asked to love the product of her being raped. I released her, and took her hand as I stood, guiding her to her feet. She followed me willingly back to our bedchamber.
“I was thinking maybe we might go for a swim,” I said, carefully controlling my tone, and wanting to talk about something, anything, other than Lia baring the child of that monster. “We’ll ride out to the little glacier lake we saw that first day when we rode through the woods. And then maybe you can find the soul of the forest for me again.”
“You’ve finished your work already?” she asked, her tone lighter, though still she wasn’t smiling.
I drew her into my arms and kissed her. She relaxed against me, “I want you to come to me when you’re upset,” I said gently. “It doesn’t matter what it is. I’ll do anything for you, anything in my power. You have to talk to me, though.”
“Why do you love me so much?” Lia asked. “You’re basically living in exile, in a strange culture, enduring the bizarre customs of those you once saw as savages. You’ve lost your status as Prime of Nogeland. Lore, once your dearest friend, hates you and would likely kill you if given the chance. The Fae and Noge nobility are officially shunning you. You were turned out in the middle of the night like a thieving servant, and driven away from Lareem Palace. All of this, because of me, because I fell in love with you, and refused to keep my distance when you asked it of me.”
“We’ll live a very long time, Lia, possibly a thousand years or more,” I said, deciding what she needed to hear. “None of those minor frustrations matter in the slightest,” I said, smiling. “I didn’t want to be Lore’s Prime any longer. I’d already told her as much. It was a relief to shed the responsibility of managing her realm and fostering goodwill for her. And there’s no nee
d to worry about our social standing. We’re the largest producer of torppa in the twin sovereignties, and rather wealthy. People will always want more from us than we want from them. The invitations will begin arriving again soon. As for Lore’s hatred of me, it isn’t real. Lore’s only angry. Your mother and I will be on civil terms again, because neither of your mothers is willing to live without their daughter. In fact, I believe we’ll be invited to Lareem Palace for the next season.”
“You’re always right,” Lia observed, appraising me skeptically before finally smiling. Apparently she accepted my absurdly optimistic view. “All right, Pet. I’d like to swim with you.”
She stepped away from me and went over to our bed, sitting down and collecting her boots before slipping her feet into them. I walked over to my wardrobe and selected a tunic and breeches, and dressed quickly, trying to force the anxiety from my mind.
-CH 9-
Lia was pregnant. There was no denying this fact, as the weeks passed, and then became months. As long as she didn’t look pregnant, we weren’t forced to talk about it. She, even more than I, carefully avoided the topic. Lia had thankfully been spared the morning sickness that afflicted both M’Tek and Lore twenty-three years earlier. Of course, I thought about her pregnancy constantly, and how it had started. I never again mentioned the idea of taking a potion to bring about a miscarriage, but I thought about it frequently in that first month, often wishing Lia would come to me, and ask me for it.
At nearly three months in, she started to show. She had smelled pregnant for quite some time by that point, but still we had continued to avoid the situation. The visual confirmation put me in the position where I could ignore it no longer.
We were in bed together when I finally had to address the fact that we would be having a baby in roughly six months. She was lying on her back, and her tight belly protruded just slightly. I gently splayed my hand across her stomach. She turned her gaze to me, appearing almost startled by that contact.
“Darling, do you think we’ll have a boy?” I asked, needing to speak of it finally.
“Would you prefer a boy?” she almost whispered.
“Not at all,” I replied, surprised by her shy manner. “I have no preference in the matter. But, I’ve always heard you show less with a boy.”
“I don’t know what it is,” Lia said, focusing on my hand on her belly.
It was the farthest below her waist that I had touched her since the night of our joining. Her gaze shifted to me, anxiety flashing across her face for only a moment. I was about to withdraw that casual contact when she placed her palm on the back of my hand, keeping me there. She caressed my hand gently, and then she brought it down between her thighs. When my fingertips slipped across her wetness, a surge of desire flooded me. She guided my fingers in a slow rhythm, as her chest began to rise and fall more quickly. I was careful not to take control from her, as her back arched and she moaned softly.
It wasn’t the most intense orgasm she’d ever had with me, but it was the first time she’d wanted my hand, or any other part of me, between her legs in the three months since our joining. She opened her eyes and gazed at me, blushing faintly. I moved closer to her, brushing her lips gently with my own. She urged me on top of her, and I moved my lips along her neck, wanting to taste her skin. Lia placed my hand on her breast, and my mouth followed my hand. I took the peak of her nipple against my tongue and her fingers wound through my hair, holding me there.
I moved to her other breast, and her legs wrapped around my thigh. She moved against me, moaning softly. When her thighs loosened, she guided me down, coaxing my head between her legs. It was the first time I’d tasted her in almost two years. I pressed my tongue to her as a soft groan escaped my lips. I followed the cues of her hands, allowing her complete control as her body responded to my mouth. Her movements became frenzied, her fingers tightening in my hair, as a powerful climax took her. I cradled her hips, breathing in the delicate scent of her as she came back down.
Gently, I took her again, this time without her hands in my hair. At first she was still, not moving with me. I teased her slowly, kissing her thighs, enticing her body into reacting. I increased my attention as she responded, finally sucking gently the sensitive knot of nerves at the peak of her nether lips. She called out, her thighs tightening against my ears, as a powerful orgasm swept through her.
I moved up her body, gathering her close to me as she sought my mouth. She gently nipped my lower lip, holding tightly to me as I slowly kissed her, waiting for her breathing to slow.
“Pet, I need you to touch me again,” she whispered against my lips as she took one of my hands in hers, guiding it down between her thighs.
“You don’t want to catch your breath first?” I teased, smiling at her. Her expression was too serious. She wasn’t in a playful mood.
“Can you be inside of me, but stay still?” she asked. I simply nodded, unable to speak my response.
She was very wet, and I easily pressed a finger inside of her. Her eyes were wide with anxiety, and I knew she was trying to push that memory of being raped out of her mind. She focused intently on my eyes, and I saw the fear slowly lifting. I kept my hand still until she eased it from her. She put my first two fingers together and guided me inside of her again. Her eyes remained focused on mine as she began moving against my hand.
She moved my thumb where she wanted it, and continued that easy motion. I wanted to take control and coax her into orgasm, but another climax wasn’t what she was seeking. She was proving to herself that she was safe, and in control, and that she could enjoy having me inside of her again. She finally broke eye contact, taking my ear between her lips as the muscles inside of her tightened around my fingers. She continued to rock against me until the walls inside of her started tightening and loosening in waves, and she gasped next to my ear.
I kept my fingers inside of her as her breathing slowed, and she opened her eyes to smile at me.
“You have the gentlest, most beautiful eyes, Pet,” she told me. “I feel truly loved when I look into them.”
“You are truly loved,” I said, forcing my voice across the lump in my throat.
****
Late in the fourth month that Lia was pregnant, a letter arrived from M’Tek. To my surprise the Fae Queen was accepting that empty, and in my opinion expired, offer of hospitality. My cousin informed us she would be visiting Lauderdam the following month and remaining with us for a period of no less than three weeks. I was to expect her, and her small contingent of four guards.
The letter set Lia on edge for a few days, as she tried to imagine how her mother would react to the pregnancy. So far only the two of us knew. Lia was careful in the way she dressed, always choosing loose tunics and dresses, never wearing anything that revealed the shape of her midsection. Still, by the following month there would be no concealing her belly.
We were in my office, discussing our options. Lia sat across my desk from me in a chair, pointedly avoiding my gaze. I had just suggested heralding the impending arrival of our child boldly, sending out notices to every member of the House of Tannuk, as was Fae custom. Lia was horrified at the thought, and doubting my judgment, though she was making a valiant effort at civility. From what I gathered, she didn’t want anyone to know, ever. This realization confused me.
“I don’t understand. Do you not wish to keep this baby, Lia?” I asked after she firmly refused my suggestion.
“Of course we’re keeping our child,” she said emphatically. The words ‘our child’ echoed through my mind as I worked to keep my expression from showing the dread I felt.
“Then whether you want to or not, we must make an announcement. We have no choice, darling,” I replied. “It needs to appear we selected a surrogate, in the way any other same sex couple would,” I said. “There are new methods of impregnation that don’t even require sex,” I pointed out.
“Really?” she asked, brightening slightly. “No one needs to know I was with someon
e else?” she asked. The question left me speechless, and with a sharp pain in my gut, as I relived the image of Lia being raped against that wall outside of Lareem Palace. Finally, I swallowed back that visceral response. My gaze pinned to her.
“You weren’t with someone else, Lia. You were raped,” I said, stating the obvious.
Neither of us had ever spoken the word rape to describe the attack before. She looked for a moment as if she were frightened. I moved from my place behind my desk to sit in the chair next to hers. When I reached for her hand she claimed mine between both of hers, raising her gaze to me.
“Don’t you see, Pet? That’s even more of a reason to keep this quiet. I don’t want anyone else to know how our baby was made,” she replied. “It wouldn’t be fair to our child,” she added. There were those strange words again, ‘our child.’ I swallowed my reaction and nodded.
“No one has to know, Lia,” I said gently. “When your mothers became pregnant with you and Ania, they didn’t want your parentage discussed,” I said. “The problem then was that there was no surrogate.”
“I know,” she replied. “Lore made us through magic.”
“At that time we were all worried about the fact that they couldn’t announce a surrogate,” I explained. “We were afraid it would cause Ania and you to become the subject of scandal.”
“Why would it be scandalous?” she asked, appearing more naïve than I’d ever thought her.
“No one else has ever openly used magic to create a baby,” I said. “I was worried their story wouldn’t be believed. To be honest, even I doubted them at first. To make matters worse there were rules about such things back then. A royal surrogate had to be from a certain level of nobility. He or she would preferably be in the succession,” I added. “And he or she had to knowingly consent to being used simply to produce a child, and agree to have no further contact with the offspring.”
A Fortunate Woman Page 16
