“You’ve had me in your arms every single night, Pet,” she pointed out playfully.
“Yes, but not in our bed,” I replied, tightening my hold of her as I kissed her forehead.
“It truly is good to be home,” she agreed, before sighing her contentment.
We stayed entwined with one another for a while, before she started stirring. I released her and she drew herself away from me, moving to sit beside me. Immediately, she started on my braids. Apparently she’d thought ahead, bringing scissors and a comb with her. She clipped the yarn knot at the end of my first braid, and gently began unweaving it. She took her time when she reached my scalp, untwisting the braid.
It felt strange for the roots of my hair to move freely, as her fingers worked. She was on to the next braid quickly, snipping the knot, her fingers easing deftly through my hair. She worked in silence over the first half of my scalp, gently shifting me around so that she could reach the braids at the back of my head. Finally, as she moved to my left side, she spoke. “Have you noticed anything peculiar about Emma?” she asked in almost a whisper.
“I have,” I replied. “And the child too, Jestine. Did you happen to notice the silver scar across the infant’s throat?”
“I did. Mamma won’t be happy,” Lia said. “She’s only made two people Lemu, in twenty years.”
“It’s not as though we meant to do it,” I replied. “I never would have believed such a thing even possible.”
“I fear for Emma and Jestine when Mamma finds out,” Lia observed. “They’re not part of our family. Do you think Ania knows?” Lia asked, working with a braid above my ear. “Can we trust her to keep quiet?”
“I couldn’t say whether or not your sister knows,” I replied. “I’ve no doubt we can trust her to protect Emma and Jestine, though.”
“She’s strange around Emma, reserved, or sort of shy almost,” Lia said. “She wasn’t like that when we left.”
“No,” I agreed.
Lia finished untwining the final braid and then turned me to face her. “Now I’ll wash your hair,” she whispered, reaching for the soap. She shifted around behind me and lathered my hair, paying extra attention to messaging my scalp.
“Deus that feels good,” I whispered.
“I know, Pet,” she said next to my ear. “You’re doing me next.”
“Gladly,” I whispered as her fingers moved over my scalp.
About an hour later we finished our bath and headed back into the bedroom. Lia coaxed me into bed, and we spent the remainder of the morning making love as loudly and wildly as we wanted, without fear of being overhead. After almost a year of being cautious and discreet in our tent, it was a welcome change.
In the early afternoon, as Lia napped soundly, I ran a brush slowly through my dry hair, enjoying the unfamiliar luxury of my unbound locks. I left my hair loose around my shoulders, and dressed in a pair of trousers and a light tunic. I selected the softest shoes I owned, and went off in search of Ania for our promised walk.
After a quick search through the main rooms on the first floor of Lauderdam, I found Ania in the solarium, offering companionship to Emma, while Jestine was being fed. Emma was smiling at Ania, love and happiness obvious in the Vilken woman’s expression. The question was whether that emotion was directed at Ania, who was clearly smitten with the countess, or at the child suckling at the countess’ breast. Ania and Emma both turned their attention to me as I entered the room. Emma appeared happy to see me, Ania less so. For a moment I almost felt I was intruding on them. It was strange to feel that way in my own home.
“We’ll you look as though you feel better, my sweet friend,” Emma observed.
“That’s because I do,” I replied, running my hands through the sides of my hair. “Those braids had become almost unbearable.”
“Where’s my sister?” Ania asked.
“I left her sleeping. She’s exhausted,” I explained.
“I imagine you both are,” Emma replied, offering a sympathetic smile. Ania’s eyes were on the countess.
“Would you like to take that walk with me, Ania?” I asked.
Reluctantly Ania rose and walked over to me. At the threshold, she turned to gaze at Emma again. I took a moment to study the countess. She was remarkably beautiful, with her curly dark hair and almost black eyes. Her attention was on her child though, and not on Ania, leading me to believe the countess did not return Ania’s love. I turned and led Ania away, out through the garden door and toward the maze behind Lauderdam.
We didn’t speak as we crossed the dormant tulip garden. Once inside the maze, though, I stretched an arm across Ania’s back. She jumped slightly, as if anxious, but then she relaxed. She took a deep breath.
“So why did you want to get me alone?” she asked. “Have I done something wrong?”
“Of course not, Ania,” I replied. “It’s only, I thought you might need a confidant.”
“Why?” she asked, stopping, and in the process, bringing me to a halt.
“I noticed the way you were looking at Emma,” I explained. “You have feelings for the countess.”
“Is it that obvious?” she asked, shaking her head.
“Have you told her how you feel?” I asked.
“No. I couldn’t do that,” she said, shaking her head. “She doesn’t think of me in that way. Besides, she’s aware that I’m joined to Fen’Tun, and she’s still in love with Earl Jestin. She only cares for me because she loves you, and I’m your cousin. She sees me as a hopeless and misguided girl she’s taken under her wing.”
“Why has she taken you under her wing?” I asked.
“When I first arrived, before my heart recognized how amazing she is, I told her some things about my life,” Ania explained. “I was showing off, I guess.”
“You have always enjoyed showing off,” I said, trying to keep the impatience out of my voice. “All right. What did you tell her?”
“I bragged about sleeping with all of the generals in the Fae army,” she whispered, diverting her gaze. “It’s not even true, Pet. I’ve only been with two of them. Anyway, I was trying to shock her, but it only made her feel sorry for me.”
“I see,” I said, agreeing with the countess, and feeling sorry for Ania myself. “Why did you want to shock her?”
“I don’t know. I never know why I do half of what I do,” she admitted. “I guess she just seemed so Vilken.”
“Vilken?” I asked, waiting.
“You’re still Fae, whatever you pretend to be now. And you know what I mean, cousin, so don’t pretend you don’t,” Ania said archly. I nodded my agreement, so she would continue. “The Vilkerlings are so uptight, especially about sex. Even the Noge aren’t so prim and repressed. Emma has only ever been with Jestin. Can you imagine?” she asked. I nodded. “Anyway, I wanted to make her uncomfortable I suppose.”
“And now?” I asked.
“She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Pet,” Ania replied wistfully. “Somehow I didn’t notice at first, probably because she was pregnant. I’m in love with her,” Ania whispered, glancing around. “I’ve never been in love before. It’s really not as great as everyone pretends. I’m miserable most of the time.”
We were both silent as we made our way into the center of the maze. I dropped my arm from Ania’s back and went to sit on the stone bench facing the fountain. Ania followed me, but instead of sitting, she paced in front of me nervously.
“Why do you love her? Is it only because she’s beautiful?” I asked, drawing Ania’s gaze back to me.
“I don’t know why I love her,” she replied. “How could I know that? I just do. Did you know she’s in her forties?” she asked, sounding appalled by the thought. “And she’s not like us. We’ll live forever, but Emma may only have another thirty years, and she’s going to get old and wrinkled. I keep telling myself that, and trying to picture her without teeth, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting her. I don’t care if she gets wrinkled and loses her te
eth. I’ll love her wrinkles, Pet. I want to spend every moment for the rest of my days just looking at her, and listening to her voice, and occasionally feeling the brush of her soft hand against mine.”
“But why do you want her? She’s the purest example of the Vilken culture I’ve ever known, Ania. You’ve always loathed Vilkerlings. You said yourself they’re uptight.”
“I can’t explain it,” she said, sounding truly dismayed. “Have you noticed how lovely she smells? One afternoon Emma asked to braid my hair. I could feel her warm breath on my neck, and her gentle fingertips brushing my shoulders, and she smelled of a field of wildflowers. That’s when I knew. She’s all I’d ever wanted. She’s warm, and kind, and so loyal to her husband. She told me she’ll be faithful to him until she joins him in death.”
“Deus!” I said sharply. “She can’t mean that,” I replied, worried about having made her Lemu and dooming the woman to a life of eternal celibacy. When I looked back at Ania she was staring at me. “What?”
“I’ve never heard you cuss before, Pet,” Ania replied. “You actually care about my happiness. Don’t you?”
“Of course I care about your happiness,” I replied, unwilling to tell her what I was actually thinking. “This may well be only a crush, though,” I suggested, trying to avoid the obvious proof of her affections in the scent of oranges and cinnamon I detected in the air.
Ania shook her head. “No, it’s not. I’ve never felt this way before, about anyone. I mean, I’ve had my little passions, Pet, of course. I was even a little taken with you after the solstice celebration, but I never considered for a moment that I was in love with you,” she explained. “And that was a powerful one. It hit me out of nowhere. It was purely about sex, though, wanting to sleep with you, and fantasies about how you would realize you wanted me, not my sister, that I was the extraordinary daughter, not Lia. Honestly, I never understood how you fell so deeply in love with her, though, clearly, you’ve had an extraordinary influence on her. She was so self-conscious before, awkward even, and peculiar.”
I worked to control my reaction, feeling both angry and guilty at once. I was, to a degree, responsible for her little passion for me. It was obviously the tincture that had attracted Ania’s desire, and not actually me. Still, I couldn’t tolerate anyone speaking against Lia the way she had.
“I’m pleased you realized it was a fantasy,” I replied in a controlled voice. “We might not have been able to remain friends if you’d acted upon your little passion.”
“Relax, Pet,” Ania replied with a calculated smile. “I know you’ve never really cared much for me.”
“Really?” I asked staring at her, shocked. “Then what the Deus do you think I’m doing out here talking to you only a few hours after returning home?” I said, standing up. “Lia is probably wondering where I am, and I haven’t seen my daughter in the better part of a year.”
“No, Pet. I didn’t mean it like that,” Ania said quickly, stepping forward as she realized she might have hurt my feelings. She placed a hand cautiously on my forearm. “I only meant that it was foolish of me, to fantasize about you, when you’re so obviously in love with Lia.” Slightly mollified, I sat back down on the stone bench and waited for what she wanted to tell me. “Anyway, all I meant to say is that it isn’t about sex with Emma, not like it was with you,” she explained. “Or that’s not all of it. I’m attracted to her, of course, she’s stunning, but I want her to be happy, and safe, and to feel loved. I never need to sleep with her, as long as I can be near her. And the way I feel about Jestine, it’s completely incomprehensible,” she added. “I never really liked babies before, aside from Astrid of course.
“Fen’Tun has been trying to convince me to have his child since the night of our joining, but every time I imagined a screaming, foul smelling, needy creature attached to my breast, I felt sick, and trapped. The more he pushed for it, the less I wanted to be with him. The first officer I bedded was just after an enormous fight with Fen’Tun over my duties as his mate,” Ania rolled her eyes. “But I love Jestine. I could sit and hold her for hours and be content. She doesn’t smell foul, either. Sometimes I wish I could feed her the way Emma does, and that she was really mine as well as Emma’s. I don’t even mind when Jestine cries. I moved into the room adjoining Emma’s so I could help her when Jestine is restless at night.”
“Maybe you want to be a mother,” I suggested.
“Yes. I want to be Jestine’s mother,” Ania agreed with a nod. “I’d do anything for her, and for Emma. I’m afraid Emma will always see me as that shallow, lost, Fae girl, decadent and spoiled.”
“The countess is no fool, Ania. I doubt she sees you that way even now,” I replied.
“But that’s what I am, Pet, or what I was. I’m trying to be better, to be worthy of her regard,” she added. “I’ve been reading about Vilken history, so I won’t appear so ignorant. She’s been teaching me the Vilken tongue, as it’s meant to be spoken,” Ania said without a trace of irony in her voice. “She says I have a lovely accent,” Ania offered, her cheeks coloring slightly. “And I know I mentioned it already, but she smells so beautiful. Have you noticed?”
I shook my head and laughed. The countess clearly cared for Ania at least a little if she would describe her sharp Fae accent as lovely. “I’ve noticed the way you smell, Ania. There’s a distinct citrus aroma around you,” I explained.
“I can’t help it,” she whispered with a pained expression on her face. “I try to cover it with a cinnamon potion I mix, but that only seems to make it stronger. Do you think she’s noticed?”
“I doubt it,” I said, wanting to reassure her. “If anything, she probably thinks it’s a perfume you’re wearing. She probably likes it.”
Ania nodded, biting her bottom lip as she stared at my feet. I’d never seen her so exposed and guileless. She raised her bright blue eyes to mine, and I saw the start of tears. I stood up from the bench and went to her, wrapping my arms around her. My action had the opposite effect to the one I desired. She melted against me, pressing her face into my hair. I guided her over to the bench and sat us both down.
“Everything will be all right, Ania,” I assured her. “The countess hasn’t rejected you,” I pointed out. “She’s simply oblivious to your feelings. She may well return them in time.”
Ania’s arms came around me, clinging to me as I realized she was crying, her tears wetting my tunic. Just then I glanced up to find Lia watching us from the turn off into the clearing at the center of the maze. I met her questioning gaze for a moment before she stepped into the clearing. She approached us with a puzzled look on her face. When she reached us, she sat on the other side of her sister and gently placed her hand on Ania’s back.
“Lia, Ania’s a little upset,” I explained, more to let Ania know we were no longer alone than to offer clarity to Lia.
Ania’s tears stopped, and she took a deep breath, her face still pressed to my shoulder. After collecting herself, Ania released me and sat up. She held my gaze for a moment, silently pleading with me not to expose her. I remembered the many times Ania had tortured her sister, humiliating Lia over her attachment to me, when everyone assumed I didn’t return Lia’s feelings. Still, I couldn’t expose Ania over the first honest emotion I’d ever witnessed from the woman. I nodded to reassure her, and she wiped at her eyes before turning to her sister.
“What’s wrong, Ania?” Lia asked gently.
“I was scared while you were gone,” Ania replied. “I became carried away when I told Pet about how I feared for you. You’re not meant to be on a battlefield, sister.”
Lia stared at her sister, trying to decide if she was speaking the truth. After a moment she relented and wrapped her arms around Ania. “We’re back now, Ania,” Lia said, sounding almost maternal in her affection for the confused woman. “Nothing happened to me,” Lia continued. “Pet kept me safe.”
“You’re changed, though,” Ania pointed out, sitting back from her. “It changed
you, but not Pet,” Ania observed. “You’re more like Mamma now.”
Lia glanced over at me and forced a smile. “You’ve always had a talent for hurting me, sister,” Lia said calmly.
“But I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Lia,” Ania said quickly. “I just meant in the way you carry yourself. You’re more assured, more commanding, like a true general,” Ania added. “Whatever else she is, Mamma’s a powerful woman. You have to give her that.”
“Of course she is,” Lia agreed, still clearly irritated with her sister. Lia stood and paced in front of us. “Are you all right now, Ania?” she asked her sister in a gentler tone.
“Yes,” Ania replied, glancing over at me from the corner of her eye before returning her attention to me. “I’m sorry Pet, for coming apart like that,” Ania said. “You were being kind, and I imposed on you. It won’t happen again.”
“You can always come to me, Ania. You must know that. I only want you to be happy,” I offered. “And I’ll do anything I can for you.”
“I believe you,” Ania replied. “You’ve always been kind to me. I’ll work to deserve you better,” she added, standing from the bench. She walked over to her sister and reached out to take Lia’s hand. “You’re a blessed woman, Lia,” she said. “You’ll never know how much I envy you.”
Lia stared at her sister as she headed back out into the maze. Once Ania had rounded the corner Lia came over and sat beside me on the bench. She leaned her head against my shoulder and took one of my hands in hers, drawing it onto her lap.
“You’re going to have to tell me what that was really about,” Lia said. “We both know she wasn’t crying over me, Pet. Has something happened between Fen’Tun and her?”
“I don’t believe she’s very happy with him,” I replied. “I know she doesn’t love him.”
“That much is obvious,” Lia said. “I watched her crying in your arms for several minutes before you noticed me there. I’ve never seen her like that.”
“I want to invite her to stay with us for as long as she likes, even after M’Tek makes Faeland safe again,” I suggested.
A Fortunate Woman Page 35
