by Alyson Noel
He nodded again. “And now the entire beach too,” he added, laughing and glancing around at all the surrounding gawkers.
“Oh my God, this is NOT HAPPENING! It’s too horrible!” I buried my face in my hands, unable to look at him, unable to look at anyone, possibly ever again.
But he just laughed. “That’s Tinos,” he said. “You sure you still want to live here?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, lifting my head and peering at him, my eyes searching his face, wondering where this was leading. Did he not want me to stay? Had he changed his mind—about me, about us? And if so, was it because I’m the kind of girl who buys condoms?
“Colby,” he said, dropping the stupid, silver package and cupping my face in his hands. “Things are different here. It’s not like what you’re used to back home. The island is small, everyone knows each other, and people like to talk.”
“I’ll say.” I rolled my eyes, wondering how I’d ever face those nasty gossips again, not to mention his brother and cousin, and so on.
“Think of it like high school. Or at least the way you described American high school to me. Only here, high school is not so—contained to one place. High school is where you live, all of the time, and there’s no escaping it. Ask your aunt Tally, she’ll tell you.”
“Tally knows I bought condoms too?” I said, thinking how it just seemed to get worse and worse, wondering if the list would ever end.
But he just laughed. “Probably. But what I meant to say was, she knows just how small this place can be. Why don’t you ask her about it sometime? You two never really talk, do you?”
And the moment he said it, I felt kind of angry. I mean, who was he to act like he knew something about Tally that I didn’t? I’m the one who just spent nearly three months living with her. But just as I was about to defend myself, and let him know how we happen to talk all the time, I realized he was right. We didn’t talk much at all. And when I really stopped and thought about it, I actually knew very little about her. Of course, I knew her likes and dislikes, was fully indoctrinated in all of her wacky beliefs, but I guess I didn’t really know all that much about her personal history. I didn’t really know much about HER. So in the end, I just looked at him and shrugged. But little did I know it was about to get worse.
Because then he looked at me and said, “And Colby, I want you to know that you don’t have to do this.”
“Do what?” I asked, my head spinning with so many things, I was no longer sure what he might mean.
Then he gazed down at the condoms and back at me, and it didn’t take a mind reader to know what he was getting at.
“You mean—you don’t want to?” I asked, unable to hide my shock. I mean, the whole entire time I’d been obsessing over it, I was sure the final decision would be mine and mine alone. I never even considered he might have a say.
But he just shrugged. And the moment I saw it, the second I witnessed that casual rise and fall of his shoulders, my face burned with shame, my heart filled with humiliation, and I reached for that stupid package with fingers so shaky and hectic I was sure I would drop it. But then I picked it right up and tossed it back in my bag, making a big show of hurling my sunscreen, books, and magazines right on top, ensuring it stayed out of sight, buried, forgotten underneath.
Then just as I reached for my T-shirt, thinking it was as good a time as any to leave, he placed his hand on my arm and said, “Koukla Mou, please don’t go.”
And I caved. Completely folded, cried uncle, and tossed my T-shirt aside. Basically because ever since we got back together, I cannot resist when he calls me that. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t annoyed.
Then he looked at me and said, “What I meant was, you don’t have to do this for me. Or because you think I want to do it. Or because you think you might be leaving soon, and that you’ll never see me again, and so you have to do it. Or because you think that if you don’t do it, then I might forget you. Because even though I want to do it, Colby, more than you will ever know, none of these reasons are very good for you. And I don’t want you to do something that you might someday regret.”
“Why would I regret it?” I said, feeling totally, inexplicably annoyed. I mean, it wasn’t natural, wasn’t normal. What guy turns down the opportunity to have sex? Who in their right mind does that?
But he just laughed. “Well, you can be a little impulsive, in case you haven’t noticed.”
I rolled my eyes. Because even though that may well be the case, what was it to him? I mean, what did he care if I lived to regret it? Chances were we’d never see each other again anyway, so what then? I mean, I definitely regretted the first time, but somehow I managed to get through that. So what’s the big deal if the second time turns out to be an even bigger mistake? But no sooner had I thought it, than I realized that was pretty much what he was getting at to begin with. That it was completely and entirely possible to avoid future regret, if you stopped long enough to really think things through.
So then I looked at him and said, “Well, maybe you’re right. But then again, since the whole town thinks we’re already doing it, don’t you think we should maybe just go ahead and do it?” And then I laughed, but not a real laugh, just my stupid nervous laugh, the one he was probably very familiar with by now.
But he just smiled, and leaned in to kiss me. “We have three more nights together,” he whispered, his lips moving against mine. “Take some time to think about it, and then let me know. Really, it’s no worries.”
I looked at him for a moment, then I shook my head, pulled away, and lay back on my towel. “You’re a really weird guy, you know that?” I said, turning my head to peer at him.
But he just smiled. “So you tell me.”
August 29
To: CarlCavendish
From: ColbyCat
Re: Is that your final answer?
Dad:
I just got home and read Tally’s note saying you will see me at the airport on the thirty-first of August and I’m taking that to mean either:
1) You haven’t received my prior e-mail, fax, and/or letter and therefore are unaware of the other, very reasonable and valid options I have presented. OR:
2) You are familiar with all of the other options, but for some reason that is not only unclear to me but that I cannot possibly begin to fathom, have chosen to reject them.
Please advise me of your position at your earliest convenience.
And in the event that you have chosen to reject my proposal, then I need to know if this was a decision made jointly (between you and Mom) or if it’s one you have taken the liberty to decide on your own, unbeknownst to Mom.
Love,
Your daughter who is in desperate need of clarification,
Colby
P.S. I am attaching a list of relevant Web sites for your perusal. Please take the time to view them.
August 29
To: CarlCavendish
From: ColbyCat
Re: Is that your final answer?
Dad,
I assure you that I am not “horsing around.” I am completely serious, and was hoping you would take me seriously too. Cyber School, Online Education, Virtual Academy, call it what you will, it is definitely NOT a joke. It is a valid, legitimate education option, as all of the schools are ACCREDITED. Which, I might add, if you’d actually taken the time to look over those Web sites I forwarded to you, then you would know that by now.
And furthermore, I don’t see how you can possibly be in a position to make any kind of decision for my future when you are so clearly closed off to all of the options but one. And while I’m sorry to say it, I think you should know that I’m very disappointed, not to mention shocked by the unjust unfairness of it all. I am also both saddened and upset to see the way you are handling my life in such a cavalier and random manner.
So I ask you again, would you PLEASE just do me the favor of taking TEN MINUTES out of your very busy day, and click on the links that I sen
t you in the last e-mail and that I am attaching again in this e-mail. And then pick up the phone and CALL MOM, so that the two of you, TOGETHER, can take a calm, rational, logical, inclusive approach to the one and only thing I need to secure a happy and successful future.
That’s ALL I ask.
Love,
Colby
August 29
To: CarlCavendish
From: ColbyCat
Re: Is that your final answer?
Dad,
Fine.
See you on the thirty-first.
Colby
August 30
To: AmandaStar
From: ColbyCat
Re: Yo, Bitch!
Hey Amanda,
I know. You are so totally right. NOBODY gets away with talking/writing to you the way I did.
Though maybe you should let them, because you just might learn something.
But no worries, since it’s not like we’ll be talking all that much in the future anyway. Partly because I’m back to being best friends with Nat, but mostly because there’s just not much point in us talking to each other anyway.
So—all the best to you—see you around Harbor. (That’s right, I’ll be back!)
Colby
August 30
To: NatalieZee
From: ColbyCat
Re: Home sweet home
Hey Nat,
I’ll keep this short and sweet since I’ve only got one day left here in Tinos and I don’t want to waste it on the computer since I’ve wasted way too many days like that already. So here’s the short list of things you need to know:
1) Cyber School is out. Apparently my parents are even more close-minded than I ever could’ve imagined. Oh well, at least I tried.
2) Harbor is in! That’s right, read it and weep! My mom found an apartment for us, and we’re moving in next month!
3) I may or may not sleep with Yannis. Which means tonight could turn out to be a VERY BIG NIGHT—or not. It remains to be seen…. Either way, I’ll give you all the details when I see you! There’s so much to tell!
4) I just want to take the time to say that I’m really glad we’re still friends, and that next year is totally gonna rock! Even if Amanda does totally hate me and will probably do her best to sabotage me and/or take me down every chance she gets. (Like #3, I’ll explain when I see you.).
See you soon!
Colby
Colby’s Journal for Desperate Times When She’ll Soon Have to Start a New Journal
August 31
It’s funny to think how at the beginning of this summer, back when I was still in California, and my mom gave me this journal, I was sure I wouldn’t even crack it open, much less start writing in it. But now that the summer’s almost over, and I’m about to head home, I’ve managed to fill up nearly every page.
I guess I was just so mad about being sent here I’d convinced myself that I couldn’t possibly experience anything worth writing about.
And now I’m just glad I was wrong.
So today (well I guess it’s technically yesterday, but whatever), anyway, so in light of it being my last day and all, Tally and Tassos planned to throw a big going-away BBQ for me. But I guess I should backtrack and say that first, way before the party, we decided to spend the day at the beach. But just Tally and me since Tassos was busy working on a big sculpture that some guy in France commissioned, and Yannis had to work at the hotel. And even though I felt kind of bad that I’d been too wrapped up in myself to do it before, I figured it was better late than never, so I dove right in and asked Tally about her life.
And as it turns out, I learned a lot. Stuff I never knew, stuff I never could’ve imagined.
Like:
1) She met Tassos the very first day she arrived in Tinos. And just like Yannis and me the first time they saw each other was on the boat. But unlike Yannis and me they actually spoke on the boat. Because when Tally accidentally knocked over her coffee, Tassos was sitting beside her and offered to help clean it up. But even though she said she thought he was cute, it wasn’t until two years later that they actually got together. Partly because she said she was reluctant to date anyone so soon after her divorce, and partly because Tassos was totally grieving over his daughter’s suicide.
2) That’s right, Tassos was also married before, and he had a seventeen-year-old daughter who died of an overdose. Only it wasn’t an accident, and they happen to know this because she left a note. Though I have no idea what the note said, and believe me, it’s not like I asked. Anyway, I have to admit that hearing that really freaked me out. I mean, his daughter was the same age when she died as I am right now, and even though at one point I thought my life was just about as bad as it gets, I guess it was never really all that bad after all.
3) So apparently, not long after the overdose, Tassos and his wife split. Tally said they were both really sad, and angry, and sort of lashed out and blamed each other. And right after they got divorced, his wife moved back to Sweden (where she’s from) and Tassos quit his job in Athens (apparently he was an airline executive—which trust me, I NEVER would’ve imagined, because he is so NOT the buttoned-up, super serious, suit-wearing, type A, type!) and moved back to Tinos, where he’s originally from, and enrolled in the famous marble sculpting school they have here, determined to follow his passion, try to be happy again, and live a life that mattered, or something like that.
4) But when he came back to Tinos, he was surprised at how everyone was gossiping about him and saying some not-so-nice things about him, his wife, and his daughter, until he eventually became so depressed and distraught, he became like a total recluse, barely leaving his house.
5) Then one day Tally and Tassos ran into each other at the agricultural co-op and it wasn’t long after that when they started living together, which made people talk even more, because shacking up is pretty much frowned upon here. But they both agreed to live their lives like they want and not to care about what anyone else thinks.
And then, I guess because we were kind of on a sharing binge, she told me how she knew all about the condoms I’d bought.
And I felt myself turn every shade of red, even though I’m actually really, really tan, which means she probably couldn’t even tell that I was blushing. But still, I felt so embarrassed I could hardly even look at her (and believe me, this time it had nothing to do with the fact that she was, once again, topless).
And then she asked me if we needed to, as she put it, “Have a little talk.”
So I said, “Well, apparently not, since I’m the one who was smart enough to buy the condoms.”
And then we both laughed.
And when she asked me whether or not I was planning to use the condoms, I looked her right in the eye and told her the truth. “I have no idea,” I said. “I guess we’ll just see how it goes.”
And even though I hadn’t planned on sharing anything more than that, even though I really thought I’d gotten over it already, before I even realized what I was doing, I started telling her all about that night with Levi, and how ashamed and stupid I felt after, and how lately I was thinking that maybe sleeping with Yannis could somehow erase it, or at the very least, correct it.
And then I just kept going, telling her all about how I dumped Natalie so I could hang with Amanda, about everything that happened (and didn’t happen) in Mykonos, and how lately I’d been feeling so confused, like I had one foot in Tinos and the other in California, and I just wasn’t sure where I fit anymore. How when I was in Mykonos, all I did was judge Levi and his family for their predictable American ways, and how the night before that I’d judged Yannis for being so quintessentially Greek. But how really, deep down inside, I knew the real problem was me.
But she just looked at me and smiled when she said, “Colby, there’s no right way or wrong way, there’s just your way. And you’ll be a whole lot happier when you figure out what that is.”
“But that’s the thing,” I said, feeling immediately frustrated
by her usual obscure statements.
But she just shrugged and said, “You can never go wrong when you act from love.”
Well, shortly after that I got up from my towel and waded deep into the sea, going so far out I was forced to stand on the very tips of my toes in order to breathe. Then I tilted my head back, closed my eyes, and let the water support me, thinking how there were few greater feelings than that—of being so light and free you were hardly even aware of yourself.
I stayed like that for a long time, partly because it felt far too good to stop, but mostly because I was reluctant to head back to shore, back to the gravity of my body, my life, my choices.
But as I allowed myself to float some more I thought: Maybe I’m still overthinking everything. Maybe I’m still trying to control stuff that’s out of my control. Maybe I should act the same way on land as I do in the sea, learn to let go, to aim for what I want without trying to force it so much. Just see where the current leads me, since it’s not like I’m not a good swimmer, it’s not like I can’t find my way back to shore.
And when I climbed out of the water and headed for my towel, I told Tally I was ready to head back home and prepare for my going away.
By the time we got back, Tassos was already there, marinating the meats, chopping vegetables, peeling potatoes, and basically handling all of the party prep duties. So after taking a quick shower and changing into a new dress I bought in town a few days before (a day which will forever be known as CONDOM DAY), I headed outside to help.
And while I was setting the tables and rearranging the chairs, I happened to mention how sorry I was about his daughter.
At first, with the way he looked at me, his eyes so startled and wide, I immediately regretted bringing it up. But then he nodded slowly and said, “Tally told you?”
I nodded. “But please don’t be mad, because—”
But he just shook his head. “I’m not mad, Colby.”
And as I started lighting the candles, he put on a Jackson Browne CD, and then I turned to him again and said, “Do you blame yourself?”
