“Luke, I know it’s fun to run ahead, but stay within earshot, okay?” I pleaded.
“Okay,” he said, rolling his eyes. We continued the hike.
When I was sure we had walked a mile, I looked for a sign pointing us to a campsite. But there was no sign yet. Only more steps, more trail. Didn’t my friend say this was a flat trail? I wondered if we took the wrong one. The ache in my knee increased to stabbing pains, which pierced my knee with each stair I climbed. I started to think the hike hadn’t been such a good idea after all.
“Maybe we should go back, Mark. This is really hurting. I don’t know how I’ll get back down tomorrow if my knee is hurt or swollen.”
“Why don’t you take off your pack and leave it by the trail, honey. I’ll come back and get it once we’ve found a campsite. Carrying less weight may make the steps easier.”
I agreed and laid my pack by the side of the trail. I continued climbing the stairs. Mark was right; walking was much easier without the added weight. I asked Mark to go ahead with the kids and find out how much farther camp was. More steps, more trail.
A dad and his two children came down the trail. I didn’t bother with niceties. I just cut to the chase.
“How much farther?” I asked through labored breath, trying not to sound desperate.
“Oh, you’re almost there. It’s a beautiful lake,” he said.
Almost there. I became filled with emotion so intense I had to stop and soak in the beauty of the moment. I’ve almost done it. This trail was one of the most beautiful trails I’d ever been on, perhaps because I didn’t know if it would be my last. I looked around with such gratitude that my body had brought me here. I was so thankful to be in the forest again. I was so aware that this moment would never come my way again, even if I did hike another trail in my lifetime. This moment was all I wanted.
After another slow quarter mile, the last step reunited me with my family. We found a stunning camping spot high above the lake, nestled in ripe blueberry bushes. While Mark went down trail to retrieve my backpack, the kids and I started unloading their packs and setting up camp.
Luke had difficulty making the transition to his new, wild environment. Suddenly his bounding energy waned.
“Mom, I’m tired. That was too much walking. And there’s nothing to do up here. I’m bored.”
“Luke we just got here. How can you be bored?”
“Well, look around, there’s nothing to do,” he whined.
“We have to set up our tents. Come on, buddy, I need your help figuring these out.”
But Luke wouldn’t be swayed. He couldn’t believe he was suddenly thrust into this green world devoid of any games, screens, toys, or trading cards. His whining didn’t let up, and I felt a wave of annoyance and resentment. I had just finished the hike of my life with my husband and children—one I’d dreamed about taking for years—and now one of my children was tainting the fresh mountain air with his griping. “Luke, enough!” I said firmly.
He stormed off into the nearby bushes and sat his anger off on a log. Tessa and I figured out how to set up the girl tent and began picking blueberries. Plunk, plunk, plunk, they each said, as they landed in the metal pot. A family of crows cawed from a nearby tree, making a ruckus. I looked up and smiled, remembering how I’d loved cawing back to the crows when I was a girl. “Caw, caw, caw,” I bellowed. “Caw, caw, caw,” Tessa joined. And, just like when I was a girl, the crows became silent and seemed perplexed. I chuckled and we continued picking blueberries.
When Mark returned with my backpack, it was time to make dinner. Luke slowly emerged from the bushes and went to the stream with Mark to get water. When dinner was ready, Luke’s mood had shifted and he was engaged with us again. Before we ate our meal we held hands, just like we do before dinner at home, and said our “happys.” This is a time to reflect on something about the day that we are each grateful for. I’d spent many years wanting to recreate the kind of family I had as a child, but sitting under the trees listening to my little family express their gratitude made me swell with pride. I had long ago let go of having the perfect husband, the perfect children, the perfect anything. One of my biggest lessons was that no one and nothing is perfect. We are all beautifully flawed.
The next morning, as the sun crested over the eastern peaks, we walked down to the lake. The mountains surrounding the lake were mirrored in the placid surface, a tableau so exquisite, my heart nearly burst. It’s been so long. Mark and the kids climbed onto a huge logjam at the southern end of the lake. I crawled out onto the jam as far as I could, found a comfy log, soaked in the sun, and took pictures of my family. I was in heaven.
We headed back to the campsite, packed up the tents and other gear, and headed back to the trail. I lingered for a few moments and allowed the beauty to envelope me. I took a deep breath. This moment was not just this moment; it held every spark of inspiration nature had ever provided me, from my first backpacking trip as a teenager with two legs, to this moment now. I stood in awe, bowed my head in gratitude, and whispered, “Thank you.”
Mark and Tessa took the lead this time. Without prompting, Luke stayed behind. The trail started out with descending steps. At the first stair, I looked up to see Luke standing on the step below, holding out his hand.
“Here, Mom, let me help you.”
“Oh, thanks, buddy.” I took his big, strong, ten-year-old hand and stepped down, bearing my weight onto his hand. He supported me. All the way down the trail.
READER’S GUIDE
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. After the accident, Colleen’s faith is tested while she grieves for her leg and for the girl she once was. She finds that her faith isn’t the balm and safety net that it was after her father died. Why do you think that is?
2. One of Colleen’s conflicts centers around her identity. As she adjusts to a life as an amputee, she gets that sense from some people that she is inspirational, but from other people she gets the message that she must carry on like nothing happened. Can you give examples from the story that created this conflict?
3. What do you think of the thank-you notes that Colleen’s mother expects her to write to people who send flowers and casseroles while Colleen is in the hospital? What do you think of Colleen’s need to comply? When do you think family and social conventions should take a backseat?
4. A Leg to Stand On offers clear descriptions of the challenges of living life on one leg. Has reading this book given you a different perspective on the life of an amputee? If so, in what way?
5. Even in the midst of her big family, Colleen experiences loneliness. She tries to find other amputees to commiserate with—but when she joins the ski group and the soccer team, she finds that other amputees don’t share her need to talk about the deep feelings brought on by her disability. Do they understand her? Where else in the book do you see this theme emerge?
6. Colleen recounts her experiences of having two abortions. How much does her disability play a role in her decisions? How does her faith play a role in her decisions?
7. Forgiveness is a theme that runs through both sections of this book. How does Colleen’s childhood faith both help and hinder her ability to forgive Harvey? To forgive herself for her abortions?
8. The first thing Colleen does after she is sure she will go through with her third pregnancy is call her mother. This ties the reader all the way back to the prologue—Colleen’s belief in the importance of family and her desire to have children. Why do you think she feels such a need to call her mother to tell her about this pregnancy when she felt she could not tell her about the abortions?
9. What do you think of the advice Colleen receives from Lynn—that she isn’t responsible to the children who asked questions about her prosthetic leg? Do you remember a time when you were a young child or a parent of a young child and you saw someone with a disability in public? How did you feel as a child? Did it scare you or intrigue you? What did you do? If you are a parent, how did you explain th
at person’s disability to your child?
10. In the last chapter, when Colleen takes Harvey to the site of the accident, she says to him, “Harvey, I don’t want your leg. I’m full and complete the way I am.” When do you see Colleen’s shift from viewing her missing leg as a hole in her life to feeling whole without it? In what areas in your life do you feel like you are missing something? Where are you on the acceptance continuum in accepting these losses?
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This book has taken me many years to write. They say we don’t write alone, and although I felt alone when I woke up at five thirty every morning to fit my writing around my family’s busy schedule, the truth of the matter is, I have been blessed to have had a slew of people supporting me, cheering me on, and encouraging me to continue to write.
That you have made my life complete is an understatement. Mark, Luke, and Tessa, you have brought a depth of joy and love to my life that I didn’t know existed until you joined me on this journey. Thank you.
I am blessed and privileged to have been born into the Haggerty clan. Growing up, we were eight strong. We have since grown to twenty-six. Thanks to each of you for all the love, laughter, and support: Mom, Dad, Larry, Maureen, Tom, Katie, Mary Beth, Bill, Liam, Mora, Kevin, Molly, Brendon, Patrick, Lara Rose, Matthew, Marc, David, Meg, Reed, Abby, Matthew, and Andrew.
Harvey, there are no words. I send you a hug.
My soul has been sheltered and sustained, protected and nourished by my female friends. Deep gratitude to my “oaks,” Sue, Margi, Sandra, Ceci, and Laurel.
The therapist in the book is a compilation of two women that supported me when I was in my late twenties and early thirties: Anne and Ana (see, it would have been confusing). I hope it’s clear how much they helped me. My gratitude to them runs deep.
Thanks to my Possibility Posse—Penny, Pat, Lori, and Dennis—for your support and encouragement during the years it took me to write this book. And Pat, I appreciate the use of your cabin so I could retreat from life and sink into the memories.
A shout out of thanks to my writing group—Jackie, Stephanie, Carol and Blanche—for their enthusiastic support during the process of birthing my book.
Ann Weinstock, thank you for creating the perfect cover.
Laura Kalpakian, I am indebted to you for everything I learned from you during your nine-month memoir writing class. You inspired me to move beyond the essay and into a full-fledged book.
Merrik Bush Pirkle, my first editor, thank you for bringing new vision to my book and handling the material tenderly.
Cami Ostman, editor extraordinaire, brought wise insight to the arc of the book and helped me reshape it. Thank you for your masterful untangling and your refreshing viewpoints.
Brooke Warner has been with me since I started this book. She was the one who shone a flashlight when I went into the dark places. She is a true guide, an inspirational mentor, and an intuitive, encouraging, partner. You have my deepest thanks.
Not only did this book take many years to write, the story itself spans many years. They say no one is an island, and although I spent much of my life feeling isolated and alone, the truth of the matter is, since I lost my leg, I have been blessed to have had teachers, friends, and strangers tucked into key moments of my life who have reminded me with heartbreaking clarity how truly connected we all are. There are too many of you to mention, but if you read this book because of your personal connection to me, you are one of those people. Thank you for being a part of my community.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Colleen Haggerty is a writer of memoir and personal essay. She has contributed to four anthologies: The Spirit of a Woman, He Said What? (penned as Colleen Robinson), Dancing at the Shame Prom, and Beyond Belief. After Colleen lost her leg at seventeen years old she found herself feeling marginalized. She developed a deep empathy for and desire to help others living on the fringe of society, which led to her twenty year career in non-profit management. Mentoring others is a way of life for Colleen and was especially true when she worked as executive director for Big Brothers Big Sisters of Northwest Washington. She is an inspiring public speaker and was a speaker at the 2013 Bellingham TEDx event where she talked about the power of forgiveness. She is an avid collager and, as a cancer survivor herself, facilitates SoulCollage™ workshops at the local cancer center. Colleen writes about walking through life as an amputee at www.colleenhaggerty.com. She makes her home in Bellingham, WA with her husband and two teenagers.
SELECTED TITLES FROM SHE WRITES PRESS
She Writes Press is an independent publishing company
founded to serve women writers everywhere.
Visit us at www.shewritespress.com.
Americashire: A Field Guide to a Marriage by Jennifer Richardson
$15.95, 978-1-938314-30-8
A couple’s decision about whether or not to have a child plays out against the backdrop of their new home in the English countryside.
Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir by Tré Miller-Rodríguez
$19.95, 978-1-938314-20-9
When 34-year-old Tré Miller-Rodríguez’s husband dies suddenly from a heart attack, her grief sends her on an unexpected journey that culminates in a reunion with the biological daughter she gave up at 18.
Green Nails and Other Acts of Rebellion: Life After Loss by Elaine Soloway
$16.95, 978-1-63152-919-1
An honest, often humorous account of the joys and pains of caregiving for a loved one with a debilitating illness.
Where Have I Been All My Life? A Journey Toward Love and Wholeness
by Cheryl Rice
$16.95, 978-1-63152-917-7
Rice’s universally relatable story of how her mother’s sudden death launched her on a journey into the deepest parts of grief—and, ultimately, toward love and wholeness.
Breathe: A Memoir of Motherhood, Grief, and Family Conflict by Kelly Kittel
$16.95, 978-1-938314-78-0
A mother’s heartbreaking account of losing two sons in the span of nine months—and learning, despite all the obstacles in her way, to find joy in life again.
Seeing Red: A Woman’s Quest for Truth, Power, and the Sacred by Lone Morch
$16.95, 978-1-938314-12-4
One woman’s journey over inner and outer mountains—a quest that takes her to the holy Mt. Kailas in Tibet, through a seven-year marriage, and into the arms of the fierce goddess Kali, where she discovers her powerful, feminine self.
A Leg to Stand On Page 22
