by Summer, AJ
“That should do it,” Sarah says, looking down at me on the ground. I smile a big proud smile, glad that I didn’t muck up the bread. “Come help me in the kitchen?”
I get up from the ground and dust my sand covered hands on my thighs.
“I’ll wait here!” Lewis shouts when I’m almost at the door. He’s sitting on the beam fence dividing the house from the field, a burning cigarette dangling from his lips. Real cute-cowboy-looking. Even though I’m a few feet away from him, I swear I can smell the cigarette and the aroma makes my mouth water.
“I’ll be right there,” I call to Sarah. She doesn’t answer from inside the house. I run over to Lewis, grab the cigarette out of his mouth and take a deep drag. I blow it out slowly, watching the grey smoke dance around us before it disappears.
“Having fun?”
“Yes,” I answer. I take another drag before handing it to him.
“You sure look happy.”
“I am happy.” So very happy out here where the loneliness can’t touch me. But I also know that I’m going after Jase when we get back.
“Will you still be happy when we jump the train this afternoon? At home?” A slight frown creases the spot between his eyes, and I squint up to look into his eyes.
“Yeah, I think so.” Taking now as good a time as any, I decide to tell him that I’m going after Jase. “Um, I was thinking last night, actually this morning, while you were snoring in my ear.” He grunts and tilts his head down to get a closer look at me and I giggle. Jeez, I’m a little nervous. What if he tells me not to do it? I’d still do it, but I don’t want him angry at me. He needs to see this my way first. I clear my throat and take a big breath for a little encouragement. “I want to go find Jase. I need to fight for him. I should go after him.”
He hands the cigarette back to me and lowers his head. Staring at the drumming of his fingers on his thigh, my heart speeds up. “You should. But first I want you to think about something. How happy have you been the last two years? How much fun have you had? All the two of you did was work. I know you were saving to get your own place and shit, but you two act like an old married couple and I don’t mean the happy kind. I mean the kind that’s gotten so use to each other that the fun is gone. I know you love him. I’ve seen how much he loves you. But is that all there is to it? For you to just be with him forever? Be your own person, have fun, be silly. God, Mia, live! Jase almost died! I held him in my arms and he was friggin’ bleeding all over. Your relationship is too serious. You’re so wrapped up in each other that I think you’ve forgotten who YOU are. I haven’t seen you writing. I thought that’s something you wanted to do? Think about it.” Lewis jumps off the fence and walks away from me.
“You don’t know shit!” I shout after him. He just holds a hand up over his head and continues walking away. Who does he think he is? Of course we’re wrapped up in each other. We fucking love each other. And I was so damn happy that I didn’t get a chance to write anything. My fears were gone. I had Jase. That doesn’t mean I lost myself along the way … does it?
Scuffing my old shoes on the ground I feel lost again. What now? I don’t agree with everything Lewis said, but maybe it is time I learn to be myself first. Maybe I need to be strong for me, live for me so that I can then share that life with the boy I love so much. But how do I do that? My whole life people have been leaving me behind, yet I never learn. I cling to them, build my hopes and dreams around them, until they take it all away. I don’t know any other way. I’m not a strong person! I’ve been made weak by death and abandonment. How do I fix myself?
After helping Sarah clean the kitchen, I lay the table for lunch. The bread is a perfect round loaf and it smells delicious. There are preserves and cheese and some lunch meat. We brewed a fresh pot of coffee and squeezed oranges. They have a whole grove in their back yard. We are leaving soon and my bag is already packed and waiting next to the couch in the lounge. I haven’t seen Lewis since this morning, but Sarah assured me the boys will be by in time for lunch. She also told me the train will be by in an hour or so. Back to reality for us.
I’m busy washing my hands when Will and Lewis come through the front door, dirty and sweaty looking. Will kisses Sarah sweetly on the lips and grabs the cloth she holds out in her hand.
“Go wash up,” she tells him with a stern face. I wrinkle my nose and push hard against Lewis when he threatens to get too close to me with his dirty body. He laughs and jogs up the narrow steps leading to the room we slept in. A few minutes later the pipes groan loudly from above.
Will comes back into the kitchen and pours himself a glass of juice. He’s changed his shirt and cleaned off all the oil from his face and hands. “He might be a while, wanted to grab a shower before you guys headed back. Says you have to work on Monday.”
“Yes. I’ve missed quite a bit of work lately and I promised to open the shop Monday morning,” I say, sitting down on the table when Will and Sarah take their seats.
“Where do you work?”
“At a tattoo parlor over in Bailey.” Will nods over at me. Silence. Great Mia, you just killed the conversation in five minutes flat.
Sarah cuts the bread into thick slices and hands me a plate with a slice. Watching her and Will I lather mine with butter. They add some berry preserve to theirs, both look good so I put cheese on one half and preserve on the other. I pour some juice just as Lewis comes down, freshly showered and smelling great. I sniff the air on a long inhale. Now that’s what a man should smell like. I think while I’m on this self improvement mission of mine, I should definitely look into developing a relationship with B.O.B. and soon, or I’m going to jump my asshole friend. Yes, I’m pissed at him and the way he tore my relationship with Jase apart. He did have a point though. So I let it go, for now, but we will discuss it some other time, when I can stand up for myself and not prove to him that everything he said about me is true.
Lewis raises an eyebrow at my slice of bread and I dare him to say something. Anything so I can bite his big head off. But he doesn’t. He takes two slices of bread and pours himself a cup of coffee instead. He adds cheese to one slice and preserves to the other, then proceeds to smash them together. Oh.
I finish my bread, which might just be the best damn bread I’ve ever tasted, and help Sarah clear the table. She wraps the left over bread up and Lewis stuffs it into his pack. The train is supposed to arrive anytime now so I wash my hands and get ready to say goodbye. Somehow I always feel awkward saying goodbye to people. I guess it’s because I don’t like being left behind. I give Sarah a hug and thank her for having me in her home. “I really had a great time, thank you.” I didn’t really spend much time with them but time out here in the country flies outrageously fast.
“Come back anytime you want. Bring him too,” she says, releasing me and grabbing Lewis. He kisses her softly on the cheek before lifting her feet off the ground. She clucks but pushes him away with a smile on the face.
Will clasps his hand and pats him on the back. “Thanks for the help, and the visit. Sarah means what she says, come back anytime.”
I give him a quick hug and thank him too, while they walk us to the open front door. Will I come back? I’m not sure, not without Lewis, but I really don’t see how a trip like that will go down with Jase. He’s always been a bit wary of Lewis’ flirty ways.
Lewis and I walk down to the train tracks in silence. Silent except for a few beetles and bugs making noises in the tall grass. I’m truly sad to say goodbye to the quiet. Back home to the chaos and decisions of life, but I’m doing it. I can’t run and hide here forever.
“Thanks for coming with me. I needed this,” Lewis says, dropping his bag to the ground and sitting down on it. I do the same.
“Thanks for bringing me. I had a good time. About what you said earlier-,” I put my fingers over his mouth when he looks like he’s about to interrupt me. His lips curve into a smile against my fingers and I smile back. “You were right. Maybe we met too young and then lif
e happened and we grew up. I never had a chance to live and experience life for myself. You gave me a tiny piece of that in the last twenty-four hours. Thank you.”
I take my hand away but he yanks it back and places a kiss on my palm. Electricity surges through my veins. My skin tingles with heat. This sexual voodoo pulsing around us, when will it end? My whole body feels like it’s glowing from inside. How do I make it go away? Why am I attracted to him? Obviously he’s hot, way hot, but it isn’t how he looks, it’s the way he looks at me. Like he’s seeing every inch of me for the very first time.
“Tell me you’re not in love with me? Tell me you’re not falling for me?” My voice pleads for him to just say no. Please say no! There’s a long pause. In that silence I keep focusing on those dark blue eyes. Waiting for an answer we can both live with.
“I’m not. But ... ah crap.” He stands up. His hands fists in his hair. Blue eyes bright and daring. Two steps forward, he’s almost in my face now. “Two months of comforting you. Holding you while you’ve slept. I’ve seen you in very little clothes. I’m not lying; I love you. But not like that. Does that mean I don’t want to fuck you in every damn position imaginable? Hell. No. Every time I look at you now, I remember the way you were looking at me on that bed back there. It takes all of my willpower not to just take you anyway. And that’s a problem for us.” I swallow hard. I breathe heavy. For a while I’m struck stupid because that’s exactly how I feel. But I can’t do that. I won’t do that to Jase. I care about him too much to destroy him like that. And I won’t do that to Lewis because I’ll lose my friend.
“It’s a big problem. But we’re all grown up.” He certainly is. Damn, I don’t think I’ve ever been this turned on by him. All those dirty words from his filthy mouth has me inside out. I shake my head and look away from his dangerously sexy body. “You should phone Red when we get home,” I say, standing up when I see the train approaching.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ve already got this sorted. What are you going to do?” He stands up next to me, watching the train get closer. Are we really discussing this? When did we get this comfortable with each other?
“B.O.B.” I start walking forward to pick up some momentum for my jump.
“Snap. You did not just say that! Do you know how horny that makes me? I can build a house with this thing right here.”
I don’t look back to confirm his words. If he wants to play lumberjack with his privates, that’s his problem. Lewis picks me up and lifts me into the carriage. When I’m all the way in and don’t see him anywhere I stick my head out the door. He’s just standing there. Way back where he lifted me from. My stomach drops. He’s not coming? Tiny pin pricks stab at the corner of my eyes, filling them with moisture. Please come on. Come on! As if he can hear my thoughts he starts jogging to catch up with me. It doesn’t take him long before he hauls himself up and is lying on his back next to where I’m still kneeling.
“Sorry, but if I had to get in with you just then, I’d have you naked and moaning against that wall back here.” He’s only half joking. Of that I’m sure. I scoff and push him away from me, deciding that maybe distance is a very good thing right now. Because I’m also only half offended.
We pick up his truck at the diner, and the drive home is over far too quickly. Parker’s bike is in our driveway when we arrive and an idea pops into my head. I’ve never been on a motorcycle before and his looks so fast and dangerous, I can almost feel the wind in my hair just looking at it. Lewis puts the truck in park and grabs our bags. I’m out before he reaches my side. I run up the walk way and push the door open.
Jenna, Aiden and Parker are sitting at the kitchen table. I drop my bag on to the floor. The guys both have an open beers in front of them and Jenna’s sipping on a juice.
“Hey!” she greets when she sees me.
“Hi,” I say, looking at the three of them. Lewis drops his bag next to mine and goes over to the fridge. He takes out two beers and opens one for me. “Thanks.” I take a sip and sit down on the counter behind the table. The same one Jase fed me tequila on, the night before his accident. I take another sip of beer and another until my throat burns from the bubbles.
“How was the trip?” Jenna asks.
“Pretty good. A lot of fun. Lewis made me jump on a train!” I smile at the look on her face.
“What?” she shrieks, glaring at Lewis. He just shrugs her off.
“So much fun,” I say, a little bit too giddy this time. I keep eyeing Parker who’s looking right at me. He’s really staring at me hard.
“So you’re an adrenaline junkie now?” Jenna asks, looking a bit worried. I laugh. Jumping on that train can hardly qualify as an adrenaline junkie.
“No, it was just fun. In fact, someone told me I should have more fun.” Lewis gives me a curious look from of the corner of his eye. I slide down from the counter and grab Parker’s arm. Brain sick I know. I barely know this guy. But I want to try something. “Come on,” I say, pulling him up. He looks a little stunned as I drag him through the lounge. I pick up his helmet and pull him to the front door. We are just about to step outside when we are stopped by Lewis.
“Mia!” he hisses from behind me.
“I’ll be okay. I’m living, okay?” I don’t mean for it to sound like I’m asking for his permission but it comes out that way anyway.
“No, not okay. I didn’t mean like this. You could get hurt.” Lewis grabs hold of my arm and Parker takes a step back, but I don’t let go of his arm.
“I’m making decisions for myself. Just one ride. I’ll be okay,” I plead.
“I’ll take care of her. You don’t have to worry,” Parker says, taking the helmet from me. Lewis looks us both over. He almost looks like he’s sizing us up for straight jackets. Or maybe he’s judging how big to dig the hole? I take a step back and his face softens.
“You better,” Lewis says, shouldering his way past Parker. He takes the helmet from Parker and pulls on my hand until I’m standing next to the bike. “Tie your hair.”
I pull the tie from my hair and refasten it. He places the helmet over my head and clasps it under my chin. Giving my arms a firm squeeze he steps away so Parker can get on his bike.
“Ready?” he asks as he starts the bike. I nod, grabbing onto his shoulders, I lift my leg over the bike and sit down. Parker pulls me closer and I wrap my arms around his waist. I’m not sure if it’s the bike or Lewis, or a combination of both, but there’s a growl in the air when we pull away. Slowly at first, until Parker turns into the street and starts speeding up. I hold on tighter and lay my head on his back. Faster and faster we go until the trees are nothing but a blur. It feels good, watching the world fly by in fast forward with nothing by the low rumble of the bike. Parker starts slowing down and I lift my head up to see. We’re just outside of town. He shifts gears and my helmet encased head knocks into the back of his. Oops.
“Sorry!” I yell, hoping it’s loud enough for him to hear.
“Don’t worry about it,” he shouts back.
He pulls over and stops the bike under a big old weeping willow. The branches hang low enough that I have to duck down so they don’t swipe me off the bike. I climb off the bike and fiddle with the strap under my chin.
“Let me.” His fingers gently pry mine away and unclasp the little lock. This time there’s no spark. It seems my body is now reserving those only for Lewis. “So did your experiment work out okay? It wasn’t just to piss off your boyfriend, was it?” he asks with a raised brow.
I laugh. “Uh, no. Lewis isn’t my boyfriend.”
His face lights up. “So you’re available?” Oh shoot. Is he going to just leave me here if I say no? How far is it into town?
He clears his throat and I stutter. “Uh, yeah. I mean no. I have a boyfriend. Been together for seven years.” Technically it’s not a lie. I’m still going after Jase. Just as soon as I figure out what it is I’m doing. What am I doing? Parker seemed to think I wanted to make Lewis jealous, when all I rea
lly wanted was a ride. Though it was fun while it lasted, it wasn’t as much fun as I had with Lewis. But even with Lewis, I still felt hollow.
There’s always that missing piece. Jase. Jase. Jase. It always comes back to him. Do I really need to live an empty life just to prove that I can survive without him? I don’t want to survive without him. Lewis seems to think our life was boring. It wasn’t boring. We were content. We were working on our future. Somewhere along the line we were going to get married, get our own place, you need money for that. And Jase being Jase, he only wanted the best for me. He wanted me to have the dress, the picket fence, the damn dog that won’t stop barking. And now I just want him. I almost start running back into town. Lewis knows the people who took Jase. He must know where he is.
“Who’s your boyfriend?” Has he been talking the whole time?
“Jase,” I say distractedly.
“I can’t shake this feeling that I’ve seen you before. You work at the tattoo parlor, right?”
“Yeah, I do.” Now that he mentions it, I had the same feeling that night at the bar. I thought it might just be the eyes.
“What does Jase do?” Parker leans back on his bike, crossing his legs at the ankles. I just want to go home, but I don’t want to be rude and risk him leaving me here.
“He works at Ray’s garage, does some tattoos at night,” I answer. Where’s he going with this?
“Tall guy? Tribals on his arm. Faux hawk?”
“Yeah, but don’t let him hear you say that. About the hair I mean. Do you know him?” Now he’s got my attention.
“No, but when I just got to town, before I started working at the bank with Aiden, I saw you guys once. A couple of months ago. Outside a liquor store.” He shifts uncomfortably, twirling his keys around his finger. Holy shit! It’s the creepy DVD guy. The one who watched me from across the street.
