by Summer, AJ
I push up on shaky arms and sit back against the wall. Taking deep breathes to ease the fire in my lungs. I need a plan. A good one. One that’ll make me forget about Mia and Lewis and that’ll help me to explain why I left the hospital without her. I had this all planned out. But then she showed up here and blew the whole thing to hell. My old plan won’t work anymore. I won’t be able to walk up to her and grovel for forgiveness. I was sure once she saw me on my feet and I told her Grams gave us the house all would be okay. I’ve lost the element of surprise. Stupidly, I really didn’t think this through.
I saw the message from Lewis this morning. I thought I’d be back from picking up Rose by then. I never thought Adam would come in and leave the door open. Everything could’ve been so much different. Cole’s camper has only been in my room twice. The amount of times I’ve watched the little trouble maker. If it wasn’t there, I might not have walked in on her and Lewis mauling each other at my front door. If I was just five minutes earlier, my girl would’ve been untouched. That’s what I asked those fuckers to do, wasn’t it? ‘Guard My Heart.’ Instead, Lewis had to go and kiss her. Stupid bastard!
I stand up and go to my room. I need a shower. Setting the hot water I kick off my trainers and lock the door. Habit of living with a lot of people. Always lock your door. Even if Lewis and James aren’t here to pelt me with something stupid like a balloon filled with syrup. I strip the rest of my clothes off and step into the warm water. Placing both of my hands against the tile wall, I let the water wash over my body. The second my eyes close I see Mia and Lewis on the porch. I snap them open and rub an angry hand down my face. Was this my punishment for leaving Mia behind? Do I get to watch this sick reel over and over again? Am I not tormented enough by stuff that no one should ever see, much less a six year old? It took me years to get over my mother’s death. And even then, the images still haunt me. I’ve made peace with the fact that a six year old boy didn’t have much he could do in a situation like that. That’s the last time I felt like this, like my whole world was crumbling to pieces. I won’t lose Mia. I worked too hard to make myself better to just give up now.
Calming my manic breathes, I fall back against the wall. Tilting my face up to the shower head, letting it burn my eyes and nose, the water runs into my mouth and down the side of my face. Please don’t let this be an issue for me. I can’t lose her. Not Mia. She’s the only good thing I have left. I have to get over this, but even thinking it, madness boils in my blood and my head gets cloudy with anger. She let him touch her. And it’s all because of me. Fuck! I messed this up bad! I clench my fist until my knuckles pop and threathen to break. Calm down, you’ve got this!
After I finish my shower and put on my favorite black boxers, the ones Mia says hug my ass just right, I sit down on my bed. Grabbing an old sketch pad, I draw random, nonsensical shit while I think of ways to win back my girl’s heart. And reasons why I should get over the nightmare still flashing behind my eyes. It’s not as easy as it sounds. When you love someone as much as I love her, you can understand why Lewis, having his hands on her, makes me want to hurt someone real bad. I’m man enough to know I caused it though. She would never have done that if I didn’t leave. I messed up, I get that now. And I’ll fix it. I’ll fix us.
I’ve driven around this block twice. On the last round I saw a moving van leave the drive way, revealing a sleek white and red Agusta FF4. Stunning machine. I park my new truck - the old one was a total write off after the accident. I really treasured that damn truck. I had her perfectly tuned just the way I wanted her. She purred like a kitten, exactly like Mia did when she had her claws dug into my back. I adjust myself and sit up straighter in my seat. I shouldn’t be thinking stuff like that. There’s no way Mia will let me get near her pants with the way we left things a couple of days ago.
Their front door opens and a guy with closed shaved hair steps out. He puts some aviators on, making his face even more unrecognizable. Do I know this guy? Mia steps out behind him and I slink down in my seat. What the fuck? Is she seeing this guy? Right behind Mia is Lewis. He slings a protective arm around her shoulders. His boldness tears a loud rumble from my chest. I’m not sure if it’s my heart bowing under the intense pressure, or the rage of him touching my girl that’s boiling my blood. She doesn’t shrug him off. No, she stands there like it’s the most natural thing in the world. One good thing though, she doesn’t cuddle up closer. Not the way she used to do with me; like she wanted to climb under my skin and stay there.
They wave motorcycle guy off and the bike speeds past me without a glance. Lewis drops his arm from around her and holds the door open, but not before he gives me a look. A look daring me to step out. I don’t. Instead I sit there and watch my girl disappear into the house. Get it together Lyle. She loves you. You know this. You love her. I give myself one final kick under the ass and throw my door open. I cross the street in long strides and almost sprint up the driveway. My hands are unnaturally clammy and I rub them on my jeans. Shit, why am I so nervous? Before I can think about it I knock on the door.
Jenna opens it after a few seconds. The first thing I notice is her face, it looks a little rounder? Then the dark circles under her eyes, her long honey hair piled into a messy top knot and finally the little bulge showing from underneath her tight fitting top.
“You’re pregnant?” I ask, stunned. Have I really been gone that long?
“Yup.” Her hand goes to her tiny popping belly, but the best of the whole sight is her big beaming smile. I pull her in for a hug so fast, she stumbles against me. Her arms go around my back and hugs me tight.
“Congrats, Jen. I’m happy for you,” I say, kissing the top of her head.
“Thank you,” she replies, rubbing her hand up and down my back. “So you can walk, huh?” she asks, pulling back when I let her go. I scratch my head awkwardly, and not for the first time, I see how mindless and inconsiderate my idea of leaving was.
“Yeah, I guess I can. I suppose with me, it never really was a question of if but when,” I say on a loud exhale.
Jenna nods. “Go on then, she’s in the back. Don’t waste time chit chatting with me,” she says, chasing me on with a flip of her hand. She goes right back to packing up a box.
“You guys redecorating or something?” I ask, looking around at the sparse furniture and packed up boxes.
“Moving,” she huffs, lifting the box from the table.
“Does Aiden know you’re picking this shit up?” I ask, rushing to take the box from her.
“Over there,” she says, pointing to a stack of boxes by the door. “I can pick up stuff, you know,” she breathes almost angrily. Just then Aiden appears in the lounge.
“What did I say about these bo- Jase?” He stops mid-stride and stares at me. I set the box down where directed and walk back to them, extending my hand out to my friend. He takes a second too long before finally reaching out and shaking my hand firmly. His eyes meet mine, and in that moment I can see all his questions. I have no doubt that they all have questions. I have some too.
“Who’s moving?” I ask, letting go of his hand.
“We are. Got a big, old two storey over on Oaks and Elms. It’s time, with our little family getting bigger and all.” Jenna squeals happily. So not Mia, just them. She’s staying behind with the James and Lewis then?
“And Mia?” I ask, watching Jenna squirm for reasons unknown to me. Aiden watches his wife with the same curious look I’m sure I’m giving her.
“She’s staying here, with Lewis,” he answers. His tone is abrupt. And if I wasn’t a changed man, I’d feel offended. Maybe that’s why Jenna looks so damn uncomfortable. She’s expecting a blow up. A blow up because my girl is staying behind with a guy who had his hands all over her less than 48 hours ago. The familiar burn starts under my skin, the muscles in my arms grow tight, but I release my clenched fists and smile at them. They both take a step back. Which is insane, I’d never hurt Jenna. By their reaction, it almost looks like I just shot lasers at the
m. Or maybe I just look manic with my clenched teeth and psychotic smile.
I shrug and look towards the back door. “She out there?” Mia always liked to hang out by the pool, she has a thing for the sun and water.
“Yup,” Aiden says, finishing the word off with a nod. He gives me a curious look before turning to Jenna. “Let’s finish this up, okay? Jase, you go do what you have to do.” With that, he claps me on the shoulder and gives me a little nudge toward the door.
“Right.” Are those butterflies in my belly? Guys don’t get butterflies! I take a deep breath to squash the bats from hell and march with purpose to the back door.
Mia’s lying in the sun, wearing that tiny black bikini that covers only the sweet spots. Her skin glistens in the light. The picture is so perfect that my hand on the door starts shaking. Shit. This girl will be the death of me. What’s even more perfect is that for once she’s alone. I push through the door and walk over to her quietly. My shadow falls over her body and she stirs slightly. An adorable grumble rises from her body. I bite my tongue to hold back my chuckle. I’m quite partial to her feistiness. I kneel down beside her and tuck a pink and black strand behind her ear. The white earphones in her little ears, emit a deathly racket. My girl always liked her music loud.
Her eyes remain closed as I trace my fingertip down the smooth skin of her jaw, towards her neck. When my finger dances over that little spot on her neck that drives her wild, a soft moan slips from her perfect mouth. The fingers of my other hand twitch, eager for their chance to feel her skin. My fingers glide down further, over the damp skin of her shoulders, the smell of her, mixing with her sunscreen has my senses going wild. I lean down, my tongue darting out to wet my lips. I need a taste. How long has it been? Long enough to make my mouth water. The soft strands of her hair tickle my nose as I lean down, her sun-warmed skin a mere inch from my mouth. My breath skims over the flawless skin of her shoulder, chasing another round of goose bumps down her arms. My lips finally rest lightly against the delicate skin of her shoulder. The sensation of my skin meeting hers, draws my eyes closed as the air rushes from my lungs. All I can feel and smell is her. This, this right here is why I should never have left. Her eyes flutter open and meet mine, so big and utterly captivating. Brown and green duel. I will win, I always do. Her lips part, and she breathes my name. The whisper does unexplainable things to the already rising issue in my jeans.
“Mew,” is all I get out before the pull between us fries all mental capability, except for the purpose to claim what is mine. I wrap my hand around her neck and pull her closer, close enough that we breathe the same breath until my lips rob the very space of oxygen. Mine. My mouth appreciates the flavor of her lips, and tastes her hungrily. A moan, sexy enough to reform a priest, passes through her lips and dies on my tongue. I flip her onto her back, and lay my body across hers. Her soft gives way to my hard and we fit perfectly. Two pieces, we’re the same, always have been. Mia tangles her hands in my hair, pulling me closer while caging me in with those luscious legs of hers. Her tongue plays with mine. Mouths sucking and nibbling while her hands move from my hair to my back. I break the kiss just long enough for her to pull my shirt off before I fuse our lips together again. The feel of her skin on mine, breaks my own into shivers of ecstasy. Where is everyone? If I was sure no one would walk out here, I’d take her already. But I can’t take that chance. No one deserves to see me worship my girl. Her pleasure belongs to me. Only me.
That thought crashes around in my head and brings my heart to a thundering stop. Not only mine. Lewis has seen this, too. My lips freeze against hers and my rapid breaths clog up my throat. Pulling away from her, I fall down on my ass and scramble away from her like she’s fire ready to incinerate me. Maybe she is. She has that power over me.
Mia watches me with dazed half eyes. Her hand frozen against her lips while her breasts heave with every fast breath. The sight is so distracting that I have to look down. That and the fact that I know Lewis had his hand on that very spot, makes me want to either mark her as mine, or go find him to break both of his hands, I’m not sure yet. My hands find my hair in frustration instead. Pulling on the dark strands, I breathe until I can get a word out.
“We need to talk.” It comes out angry, manic almost. I try again, but Mia’s cheeks turn the most adorable pink and her eyes go wide, stopping my words in their tracks.
“O-Okay,” she stammers, searching for her towel. She finds it at the end of the lounger and clutches it to her chest. Nervously tucking her hair behind her ear, her eyes dart around her surroundings. She finds her cigarettes and lights one. Silence. Should I say something even though she looks a second away from running? “So talk. I’ve been trying to get you to talk to me for almost a month. Talk.” Now she’s angry? The nicotine sure calmed her libido down fast and catapulted her straight into pissed off territory. That’s fine. But it could also end in disaster. I love her feistiness and if I’m not careful, we might still end up creating something that’ll put a porno to shame. Right on this very spot.
I clear my throat and light my own cigarette. Deeply inhaling the toxic fumes, I think of what I need to say. The most important being how sorry I am for leaving. I decide to go with that first. “I’m sorry. Sorry for leaving. Sorry for not replying to your messages. I’m sorry for not trusting you.” I take a deep breath and wait.
“It was real messed up of you. You have to know that right? And with those people? I don’t even know them!” Her voice rises on the last part as she stands up. She steps closer to me, pointing a shaking finger at me. “You fucking left me! You know how much I hate that.” She sniffs angrily, turning her back on me. I move to get up, but she stops me. “Don’t. Not until you know how much you messed me up. How can I trust you after that? What about the next time something happens? Will you trust me to take care of you?” She shakes her head wildly. A broken sob slips from her lips and crashes to the ground at our feet. The sound shakes me to the bone. “You need to go.”
I stare at her. The answer to all of her questions should be I’m sorry. I am so damn sorry. Because I felt the same way the entire time I’ve been gone. I’ve been half a man without her. I don’t want that ever again. If she’ll let me I won’t ever leave her again - Death will have to drag me kicking and screaming. Even then a piece of me will cling to her soul. She is me. I’m nothing without her.
“You need to go! Go now, Jase!” She’s sobbing these heavy, angry tears. The ones that hurt inside and out. They pull the very breath from your lungs and you end up feeling like you have to be bleeding from somewhere for it to hurt this much, that there has to be an open wound to be experiencing this much pain.
“I can’t go. I can’t leave you like this!” I hiss, getting up and pulling her closer. She bats my hands away and sneers at me.
“You already did! This!” She waves her hands around wildly. “This is what I looked like when you left. How could I be any other way?”
“Please Mia.” I’m not sure if I’m begging her to let me hold her or for her to stop telling me how much I hurt her, all I know is I want it to stop. I don’t want her to cry anymore. With each falling tear, I feel another piece of me die. I did this. I let her burn.
Mia storms past me and disappears through the back door. I watch in stunned silence as my last thought replays in my head. I did this. I did this to her!
I run after her, leaving the back door to bang into the wall. Sprinting through the house I hear the loud crash of her bedroom door slamming when I get to the stairs. The bolt catches with a final crack. She’s locked me out. I sit down on the stairs and watch helplessly as Jenna and Aiden stare at me in pity.
“We’re taking the boxes over,” Aiden says, looking awkward as hell. I shrug. I’m not moving from these stairs. Jenna gives me a last sorrow-filled look before closing the front door behind her.
Now the house is so quiet I can hear all the ghosts of the past taunting me. Happy memories make the worst memories when you’re trying to g
et back what you threw away. The couch where we used to lay and watch movies is a bright red reminder of all I’ve lost. It’s laughing at me with a big red clown nose.
The front door swings open and a tangle of limbs crash through the doorway. The mass of moaning stumbles into the table at the side of the entry way. A grunt followed by a giggle, the only sign that they’re actually breathing underneath all the groping that’s going on. Not moving fast enough to his liking, Lewis picks Red up, her legs wrapping around him like a Boa constrictor. I watch in silence as he carries her past me, still firmly latched to her mouth, down the hall and to his room. The door opens and slams shut not even a second later. The deathly silence resumes and I look up the stairs towards Mia’s room. I wonder what she’s doing. Is she still crying? Does she know I didn’t leave? I stand up and walk up the stairs. Cringing every time I step on one that creaks. The sounds are akin to those of a horror movie, the sound that finally makes the killer find you because your fat ass can’t be quiet. I feel like an intruder. A trespasser in a place I once called home.
I pause at her door, wondering if I should knock. Chicken shit that I am, I lean closer instead and place my ear against the wood. Nothing. Not a sound from inside. Maybe she’s sleeping. That means I’m folding my tall ass on that red couch, even if I have to move the damn thing in front of the stairs to block her only exit. The stairs are strangely quiet as I move back down them. When I get to the last one, the door to Lewis’s room opens and he steps out wearing only his boxers. I give him a look that I’m sure says, ‘really dude?’ His eyebrows raise as he looks me over. My spine shoots up straight and my shoulders move back. This is me, I’ve been measured before and no one has been able to put me down since my dad. Lewis goes to the fridge and pulls out three beers. He hands one to me and pops the tops on the other two.
“Looks like you need it,” he says, clinking his bottle against mine.
