“Really?”
“Yeah. I just wish she’d find the real truth.”
“And that is?”
“God, of course. And the fact that he sent his son Jesus to forgive us and give us real life. That’s all you really need to know.”
“It’s that simple?”
She nodded. “God knew we humans didn’t need great, complex schemes to get into heaven. I think he just wanted to keep it simple.”
“So we could wrap our minds around it?”
“More like our hearts. He says all we need to do is invite Jesus into our hearts, and then he’ll show us what to do next.”
“Has it really been that simple for you?” I watched her closely, searching for any sign of insincerity.
“As long as I keep it that way. Sometimes I complicate things with my own problems and selfish choices. But if I hang tight with him and try to do what he’s showing me, life stays pretty simple and good.”
I frowned. “It sounds almost too good to be true. And you know what they say about that.”
“Well, you’ll never know how good it is until you believe that it’s true. It’s really all about faith.”
We talked some more, and then it was time to go to class. I was really thankful when the bell rang too. I’m sure I was freaking out by then, worried that Laura was about to ask me to pray with her. I could just imagine us both kneeling like nuns on the patio as kids headed to fifth period. Yeah, sure! Anyway, I was relieved to get away from her. All this talk was making me uncomfortable.
Still, for the rest of the afternoon, I kept thinking about what she’d said. Part of me was starting to believe it could be true, but the rest of me was cynical and skeptical. Then on my way home from school, I remembered what she’d said about the battle. Could that really be what was going on inside of me? I thought about how I feel when I have the flu, and there’s a battle going on inside my body—between the virus germs and my own immune system. In a way, that’s how I feel now. Sort of helpless and achy—but not physically. Does that make sense?
So I forced myself to read the redlines again tonight (as if they’re my medicine). And what stood out to me was when Jesus said, “Don’t pray out loud in front of everyone just to show off, but when you pray, go into your closet and pray secretly to your father in heaven. And he will hear you in private and reward you in public.” Now, I’m not completely sure what all that means, but I like the idea of praying in a closet. So that’s just what I did.
IN MY CLOSET
dark and silent, shoes and clothes
quiet words inside me rose
questions with no answers came
who are you and what’s your name?
god, you are mysterious
but you’ve made me curious
riddles run all through my brain
until i fear i’ll go insane
hear me now hear my prayer
answer, god, if you’re there
show me how to give to you
what you want, if this is true
cm
Seven
Friday, October 11
Oh, what wonders I have to write of tonight. I almost can’t hold this pen in my hand steady, for I want to dance and sing and laugh all at once. And all the time, I’m wondering, is this really me? Is this really real? Will it really last? Or is it all just a fine figment of my imagination? Am I going crazy or have I come to sanity? But, oh, I think I finally know what it means to be happy! The very word I used to despise.
What happened? What happened? What makes this day so special—so outstanding from the rest?
Chloe Abigail Miller died today. R.I.P. But, don’t worry, for in the same instant she returned to life too. How do I know this amazing thing really took place? I don’t even know how I know exactly. I just know.
Today, I gave my heart to Jesus, and it’s as if the old Chloe just melted down and sank into the soil right beneath my feet—and in her place appeared a new Chloe—a Chloe who belongs to God now. A brand-new Chloe with a whole new life ahead of her!
I must admit, even as I write these fantastic things, I almost can’t believe them myself. Almost. But mostly I do. And I have a feeling that when I have doubt (and I’m guessing that’s possible), God will somehow help me out.
So, this is exactly how it happened. For three days, I’ve been struggling with this whole thing. And even though my conversation with Laura was somewhat helpful, it also scared and disturbed me. The idea of a battle being waged for my puny, worthless little soul was a little unnerving, not to mention mind-boggling. How could the forces of the universe even know that I exist? And why should they even care? But somehow, it became clearer and clearer that they did. Still, I didn’t know what to do about it.
So, today, feeling slightly like a crazed lunatic, as soon as school was out, I ran over to the cemetery—as though I couldn’t get there fast enough. Once there, I just walked around, kind of dazed maybe and trying to catch my breath. I was heading to my usual spot, Katherine’s old gravesite, but for some reason (a God reason!), I turned and walked in the opposite direction.
I walked up the hill to where the newer section of the cemetery is, clear to the top of the knoll. And there I found this nice, and fairly new, cement bench. I sat on it and pondered my perplexing situation. Maybe I was praying. I’m not even sure. But I was bent over, and I know I was thinking about the things Laura had said as well as an e-mail I’d gotten from Caitlin just last night. It had been a short message to let me know she was coming home to visit this weekend, but she’d also written a Bible verse at the bottom of it. It caught my attention because she doesn’t usually do that.
So I guess I was tumbling all these various things around in my head, and, yes, if I think about it, I’m sure that I was praying too. But I felt flustered and frustrated, and as I recall, I was crying. And it felt as if I was getting nowhere—just going round and round in circles faster and faster, like this one particular ride at the fair that always makes me sick. So I looked up suddenly—wanting the ride to end—and for whatever reason (yes, a God reason!), I noticed the gravestone directly in front of me—straight across from the bench. It was a new-looking headstone with shiny, white marble, and there seemed to be a lot of writing on it. So I wiped my tear-blurred eyes and studied it more carefully. And to my astonishment, it was the EXACT same Bible verse that Caitlin had written to me just yesterday—almost word for word. This is the verse:
“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
—Jesus Christ.
Well, it’s true I’ve never been hit by lightning before, but that’s the best way I can think to describe this feeling. It’s like an electric jolt zapped right through my body and I thought: This is it. This is really the truth. This is what I’ve been looking for. And so right then and there, I did it. I asked Jesus to come into my heart.
And that’s when it felt as if everything just changed in a flash. And I know, I absolutely know, I will never be the same again! Then I looked at the gravestone, curious as to who this person might be whose headstone delivered such a whopping message. And I actually recognized the name! I mean, I never really knew this guy personally, but Josh did and so did Caitlin. His name was Clay Berringer, and he was involved in their church, the same church where Allie’s taking drumming lessons. I think Clay might’ve been related to the pastor there. But the sad part is that he was a victim of that horrible shooting incident that occurred at McFadden High a couple years back. At first, I started to feel sad, but then it hit me: Clay is all right now! Because he’s with God. And, like it says on Katherine’s gravestone, he’s probably dancing with the angels right now. That’s when I began laughing and singing and dancing right there at the top of the graveyard. And even when the clouds got all gray and heavy and it started to rain, I just kept on laughing and dancing. If anyone saw me, I know they must’ve thought I was crazy. But, hey, it’s a good kind of crazy.
Any
way, I finally came home, soaking wet. I was kind of relieved my parents were gone (they’d already told me they had plans for the evening), and I suppose I wasn’t sure if I could even explain this amazing phenomenon to anyone. I was also glad that our jam session isn’t until tomorrow because I’m still not sure how I’ll break the news to Allie and Laura (should I do it at the same time or separately?). But I have a feeling God’s going to help me out there.
I did call Caitlin. I figured she might be at her parents’ home by now, and it was worth a try to catch her. And I did. So I very calmly asked her if she could meet me for coffee tomorrow, but I didn’t say anything else—not a word! I wanted her to be the first one to know about this, and I wanted to tell her in person. After all, she was kind of like my mentor.
GOD WITH A CAPITAL G
o, God, You wonderful God
You amazing, incredible, beautiful God
thank You for meeting me in the cemetery today
i didn’t even know You would be there
but i’m so glad You were
and that You could care
for me
and that You could want me
for Your own
i will never be the same again
i know it—absolutely
i love You with all that i am
from the top of my head to the tip of my toes
i love You as i have never loved anyone or anything before
and yet i believe You love me
even more
cm
Eight
Saturday, October 12
What a day! What a beautiful day! Hot the weather, no, that was grim and gray, and blustery. But the day was great. I started it out this morning by meeting Caitlin for coffee. She’d chosen Starbucks, and I’d forgotten to mention our new coffeehouse. But I’ll never forget the look on her face when I told her what I’d done. I thought she was going to fall right off her stool. Then she jumped up and gave me a big hug and wanted to hear the whole story in detail. When I told her about doing this whole thing at Clay Berringer’s grave, well, take my word for it, she was totally blown away.
And she said something that reminded me of what Laura had said. “God is up to something really big in your life, Chloe,” she said in this very intense voice. “Honestly, I’m not just saying this. I believe it with my whole heart. I really do believe God is going to use you in some pretty incredible ways.”
“Thanks, I hope so.”
“This is just so cool, Chloe!” She was smiling big again.
I nodded. “But you know, I’m not exactly sure what I should do next.”
She set down her cup. “Well, praying and reading your Bible are probably the most important things, but you also need to start having some fellowship.”
“You mean like going to church?”
“Yeah, that’s part of it. But you also need to get in with a group of Christian kids your own age. Is there a good youth group at your parents’ church?”
I’m sure I must’ve frowned then. “I suppose so.”
“Is there a problem?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” I looked down at my cappuccino. “I don’t mean to sound awful, but the youth leader there, well, he’s sort of, you know, kind of a yuppie type, and I just don’t think I’d fit in too well.”
She smiled. “Josh switched over to go to my youth group. Maybe you’d like to try it—I mean, if your parents don’t mind.”
I had to smile at that. “Sheesh, I think they’d be so happy to see me involved in church that they wouldn’t care where I went. As long as it’s not some form of a cult or something weird. In fact, I’m pretty sure my dad thought I was turning into a satanist or something equally frightening.”
“Are you going to tell them?”
“Yeah, but I want to tell Josh first. Hey, did you know he’s coming home this weekend too? He should be here today.”
“Hope. But I didn’t get any e-mail from him this past week. I guess he’s been pretty busy with school lately. Maybe you could go to church with him on Sunday.”
“Yeah, that sounds like a plan.”
Then we talked about some other things like her horrible roommate, and I promised that I’d be praying for her—and that things would improve. I could tell she was discouraged. And for a change I wanted-to be the one to cheer her up.
“Just don’t underestimate how God uses you too, Caitlin. I mean, look at what happened to me after you got involved in my life.”
She laughed. “Yeah, I remember the first time I met you, and I wondered what in the world we’d possibly have in common.”
I smiled. “And I’m thinking what’s this preppy-looking older chick doing hanging out with the likes of me?”
“But God was really up to something.”
I slowly shook my head, still amazed. It’s as if this whole thing was still sinking in. “Yeah, I guess He was.”
We talked and joked for about an hour before I had to head off. I’d promised my neighbor that I’d watch her baby this morning while she went grocery shopping.
“Do you like to baby-sit?” Caitlin asked as we headed out the door.
“Yeah, I think little kids are great.” I didn’t mention that I was motivated to add to my savings in order to purchase a new guitar and sound system.
“Then I’ll have to introduce you to my aunt. She has a preschooler and a newborn baby, and she just mentioned yesterday how she’s looking for a good baby-sitter, since all her old reliables took off for college this year.”
“Sounds great.”
So I went home and then next door to the Van Dirk’s and played with Mason for a couple of hours. Hey, it’s not big money, but it’s kind of fun. Besides, it makes my mom happy since she and Marsha Van Dirk are pretty good friends. And by the time I came back home, Josh was here!
I waited until he’d had a good chance to visit with my parents. They were so glad to see him that I actually felt a bit jealous (but I prayed that God would help me with that), and then I realized that someday they would be happy to see me come home too. Then they decided to go to lunch.
“You coming too, sis?” Josh asked with a big smile.
I looked at my watch. “I’d like to, but I’ve got my friends coming over to jam today—it’s a regular thing on Saturdays.”
“Did you get that girl set up with Willy?”
“Yeah, she’s been having lessons twice a week. He’s doing it for free.”
“Willy’s a good guy.”
“Got a minute, Josh?” I said quietly when my parents were out of earshot.
“Sure, what’s up?”
“Come in here.” I led him over to the library and then closed the door. “I haven’t told them yet.”
“Told them what? What is it?” His smile disappeared. “Is something wrong, Chloe?”
“Ho.” I laughed. “But you’d better brace yourself.”
He sat on the big leather sofa. “Okay. I’m ready.”
“I did it.”
“Huh?”
“I invited Jesus into my heart, Josh. I gave my life to God.”
Well, he whooped like a cowboy and shot out of the chair like he had springs on his feet and grabbed me up and hugged me, then whirled me around several times before he finally set me back down. “That’s the best news!” He shook his head as if he could hardly believe it and then peered at me. “Hey, you’re not just pulling something over on—”
“Ho way! This is for real!”
Just then my parents came in. “You ready to go, Josh?” My dad looked at us both curiously, like he suspected something was up.
“Yeah, I guess,” said Josh. Then he turned back to me. “Did you tell them yet?”
“Tell us?” echoed my mom. She was behind my dad now, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was worried. “Tell us what? What’s wrong, Chloe?”
“What’s up?” my dad asked, his face concerned.
Josh looked at me and I knew it was time, bu
t I just didn’t know how to say it. Or if I even could.
“You want me to tell them?” he asked.
I nodded dumbly.
“Chloe has invited Jesus into her heart. She’s become a Christian.”
My parents just kind of stood there with these slightly blank expressions, like they didn’t really know what to do or how to react. And now it’s time for me to point something out: My parents are really nice people and law-abiding citizens and all. And they do go to church sometimes, but not regularly. And I think they consider themselves Christians, but not in such a way that it’s the most important thing in their lives (like it is with Josh and Caitlin). Or at least it’s never seemed that way to me.
“That’s really good news, Chloe,” my dad finally said, but it was in the way that someone might react if you’d just told them you’d given up smoking. But then he came over and gave me a hug. I think maybe he was relieved that I hadn’t done something really frightening and horrible like getting pregnant or hooked on acid or even getting a tattoo.
“That’s nice, honey.” This came from my mom. Then she, too, stepped up and gave me a stiff little hug. “So does this mean you’ll be going to church now?”
I looked at Josh, hoping once again for help.
“Hey, you can go to church with me tomorrow, if you want to,” he offered.
I smiled. “Sounds good to me. In fact, Caitlin suggested the same thing.”
“Caitlin?” I couldn’t help but notice how his eyes lit up.
“Yeah. She’s here in town, you know.”
He nodded. “Cool.”
I was glad that they were all going to lunch together and that I didn’t have to go with them. Despite everything, I do love my parents—even more now than before—but I don’t think they understand what this really means to me. Not the way Josh and Caitlin do. How, if I could only think of a way to tell Laura and Allie. Telling Laura will be easy. But Allie? And for some reason I knew it was important to tell them both. But how to do it was really bugging me.
My Name Is Chloe Page 7
