by Bonnie Dee
Recently, J.D. had said something that was closer to sharing than we’d ever come before. He told me how from the moment he met Leah, he finally understood what people meant when they said they’d “fallen” in love. From the first time he saw her, he felt an invisible connection that only grew stronger as they spent more time together. When I made a scoffing noise, he told me I wouldn’t get it till I got it, and he dropped the subject.
Now, I understood. The whole thing burst before my eyes in Technicolor. Every time I looked at Gina, I felt things I’d never felt before. All those women who’d come and gone from my bed were shadows without substance. She was flesh and blood, fire and fury, and she made me want to earn her trust and her affection.
I didn’t know how easy it was going to be after this but couldn’t help feeling if I could find the right words, make the perfect grand gesture, she’d see me in a different light. For now, all I could do was make her tea and offer her a bed for the night.
I threw away the tea bag and carried the cup to the living room, setting it on the table beside her. “Sure you don’t want a splash of whiskey in that?” I asked.
She shook her head, and the afghan slipped down her shoulders. She shivered, the aftereffect of shock.
I reached to settle the afghan around her again. My fingers lingered on the bumps of crocheted yarn. The thing was butt ugly, but warm and cozy when my apartment got chilly.
“I picked this up at a garage sale,” I blurted randomly. “I liked the idea of somebody’s grandma sitting there making this for them. The idea of it ending up in a landfill after she’d put so much care and time into it seemed wrong.” Every stitch a sign of her love, I’d thought when I gave a few bucks for it, but I’d never say that aloud.
Gina looked down at the afghan and rubbed her fingers along the edge. She blinked her red-rimmed eyes. “That’s kind of sweet.” She shot me a look. “Are you trying to charm me?”
I smiled. “Maybe a little. It’s the truth, though.”
Gina reached for the cup of tea and took a small sip before setting it back down. She clutched the afghan around her. “You have to be relieved you got out of this okay and got to keep your bar.”
“Yeah. Of course.” I was relieved but also exhausted. I’d been so tense over the past days, and now the danger was through, I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I rubbed my finger between my eyebrows, where a small headache grew.
“Most of all, I’m just sorry it happened at all and that you landed right in the middle of it. But apologizing doesn’t change anything. I wish there was some magic way I could fix it and prove to you I’ve changed, but there isn’t. There’s no big gesture I can make, nothing I can offer that will make you see how serious I am.”
My throat was suddenly bone-dry. I reached for Gina’s cup of tea and took a sip, wishing it had that shot of whiskey in it. Then I pressed on. “All I can do is show you, day by day, action by action, that I’m not the same guy you met a few months ago.”
Her brown eyes studied me intently, her plump lips pursed in a thoughtful expression. “If we were to start over again, it would take a lot of time to rebuild trust.”
If? That sounded promising.
I sat back in my chair, trying not to push too hard and break the fragile thread. “I hope you’ll give me a chance, but I’m not going to hound you. In the end, it’s up to you what you choose to do. But I do want to tell you…”
Words failed me, and that rarely happened.
“I want to say that I…” Jesus, how hard was it to offer a few honest feelings.
“I’ve never felt this way about…” Apparently, very hard.
“You’re not like any woman I ever…” Good God, don’t bring in your past history of banging chicks.
“You’re so special.” That sounded cheesy and fake. I might as well go with You’re so sweet, I’m going to need to see a dentist about that toothache you’re giving me.
I rubbed the heels of my hands into my eye sockets. “Damn, I suck at this. I never liked a woman enough to say real things before.”
“Try,” Gina suggested dryly.
I nodded, took a deep breath, and told her the truth straight up from the bottom of my heart. “I know I’m not worth wasting your time on. I know I’ve been an asshole. But I hope you’ll give me a chance to improve.”
A small smile teased at the corners of her lips. “Not bad. Go on.”
I eagerly plunged on. “I don’t want to be a screwup anymore. And being around you…makes it easier to try to do the right thing.”
“But you know you need to change for yourself, not for me, right?”
“Yeah. I know.”
“It has to be your choice what you do or don’t do. I can’t be your inspiration or your crutch. I’ve done that before, and it wasn’t healthy for me.” She poked her fingers through the holes between stitches of the afghan, in and out like little pink gophers popping out of the ground. “But what I can do is tell you that I really like you, a lot, and I believe in you. That’s why I came here today. Not only to check on J.D. for Leah. I was worried about you and wanted you to know how I felt in case something bad happened to you.”
Not only was my throat dry, but now I could hardly breathe. She’d come here worried about me. She liked me. And that was a lot more than I’d hoped to receive from her.
“I didn’t expect something bad would happen to me instead,” she added sarcastically.
I winced. “In case I didn’t mention it before, I’m sorry about that.” Now was my chance. She’d told me how she felt, and all I had to do was offer it back. No stupid lines about angels falling from heaven or how beautiful she was. I caught my breath and leaped in with both feet. “I—I like you too, Gina. I might even…be in love. I’m not sure. I’ve never felt like this before. Is it supposed to make you kinda sick to your stomach or like you have a low-grade fever?”
She smiled and shook her head. “Maybe you need to see a doctor.”
Too soon for the “L” word. I’d promised to give her space and take things slow and easy. The least I could do was uphold that promise.
I stood up. “Anyway, I just wanted to put it out there. Can I get you something to eat?”
She looked up at me. “Do you have cookies?” She was so cute and cuddly, I’d do anything for her, run to the store or anyplace else she asked me to. Her wish was my command.
“I can get some,” I said.
“And after that, maybe we could just sit here and watch a movie,” she said. “I understand Jurassic Park III isn’t the train wreck the critics said it was when it came out.”
I grinned and left to get her cookies. And when I returned—with five different kinds, since I’d forgotten to ask what she wanted—we cuddled up side by side on the sofa, holding hands underneath that fugly afghan, and watched CGI dinosaurs until we both fell asleep.
*
A couple of mornings later, I sat in the bar with my brothers, having one last drink before Jonah hit the road back to Sawville. We didn’t have much to say. We rarely did.
“Say howdy to the Carters,” J.D. said. “Did Greg stick around or take off after high school?”
“He’s helping his dad run the store.” Jonah finished his Scotch and pushed away his empty glass.
“Did he marry Liza?” J.D. continued to ask about his old friend.
“Ever think of calling and talking to the guy?” I asked.
J.D. shrugged. “I don’t want to. That part of my life is over. I’m not the same as I was back then.”
I glanced around my bar, quiet since I hadn’t opened for the day yet, and I understood exactly what he meant. The past was the past. I didn’t have to live the way we used to growing up, or even the way I lived up until a few weeks ago. I didn’t want to look back either, only forward to whatever the future held.
“Everything going okay with the business?” I asked Jonah, filling the uncomfortable silence that always lingered between us.
“Yeah.�
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He didn’t add any details. Guess I’d lost the right to ask about the family business when I left it behind. With the fervor of a guy who’d found a new religion, I wanted to caution Jonah about continuing weed growing. He’d skated through all these years because he kept a low profile, carefully vetted his employees, and paid substantial bribes as needed. But I felt like the clock was ticking for him. Someday, his painstakingly built empire would explode around him, and my brother would be packed off to a correctional facility.
But I couldn’t say shit like that to Jonah, so I didn’t.
J.D. took a look at his phone and rose from his barstool. “I have to pick up Leah after her class, so I’ve gotta get going.”
Jonah stood too and they gave each other a one-armed hug with a back slap.
“Drive safe, bro,” J.D. said.
Jonah nodded. “Take care of your girl, and don’t fuck it up.”
“I don’t plan to.”
My eyebrows shot up. Where was I when this complete one-eighty took place? Jonah was actually giving his nod of approval to J.D.’s relationship. Not really surprising, though, once he’d seen how Leah brought out the best in J.D. and put a smile on his perpetually worried face.
“But don’t rush into anything. You’re both too young to make it permanent,” Jonah cautioned.
“Uh-huh.” J.D. dropped his gaze back to his phone.
I smiled as my little brother offered a noncommittal response, one I’d heard him use often growing up when he planned to keep on doing exactly as he pleased and just wanted to get Jonah off his back.
“And you.” Jonah frowned at me like always. “Keep your nose clean. You moved up here to get away from all the shit. Don’t drag it along with you.”
We exchanged a long look, and I knew he was talking about more than illegal business. Only he and I knew the whole story of our family. We knew the truth about Mom’s death, and we’d taken more hits from our dad than J.D. would remember. He’d always been the protected one, and both of us would continue to guard our family history to keep it that way.
J.D. and I walked Jonah to his car and watched as he drove away. I was relieved to see him go. We three were tight in some ways, but we weren’t a family like Gina’s. We weren’t all that close—maybe because we kept too much hidden.
I clapped J.D. on the shoulder. “See ya later.”
“Yep.”
“Hey, maybe we should double-date again some time. You and Leah, me and Gina.” It would be a good way to ease her back into going out with me again, neutral ground with the others as a buffer.
“Sure. Sometime.”
J.D. walked off, and I went back inside The Raptor’s Roost, my own little spot in the world that I would never put at risk again.
Chapter Twenty-two
Gina
It can be a pretty great thing when a man is trying to win his way back into your good graces. Micah overwhelmed me with attention and gifts and extravagant gestures to try to prove to me he was a new man. I kept telling him that wasn’t what I needed from him, but it was kind of flattering to be showered with flowers and romantic notes, meals cooked for me, and shoulder massages to work out the tension of my day. For a guy known for not having a relationship that lasted beyond a date or two, Micah was amazingly good at being a boyfriend.
But only time would tell if he had the stamina for the long haul. For all I knew, he might get bored of being a reputable businessman and stand-up guy. He might tire of having only one woman in his life. Could I really trust him to last?
Meanwhile, however, we were having a helluva lot of fun together. Nobody could make me laugh like Micah could. We played and argued and bantered, and all the while the sexual tension between us mounted. Holding back from the sexual side of our relationship was part of the deal. We’d decided to take things slow, and anticipation made sex an exotic delicacy to be eagerly anticipated and at long last savored.
After living in a cheap pay-as-you-go unit for a couple of weeks, I resumed possession of my own apartment. I started with a new part-time client, a special-needs little girl whose mother required an at-home sitter while she worked. Ten-year-old Annie had low motor function and mental impairment, but was so sweet and bright and cheerful, she made each day a joy—except when she threw a tantrum. I enjoyed caring for her, and I enjoyed the freedom of not being a live-in. In my off-hours, I had my own life back. In addition to spending a lot of that time with Micah, I finished up my online courses for that quarter.
One evening, Micah and I were sitting on my couch. He watched a football game while I had my laptop open, studying for a test in physiology. I suddenly realized Micah hadn’t spoke in maybe ten minutes. That had to be a record for him.
I looked up to find him watching me. “What?” I asked.
“Nothin’. Just thinkin’ how pretty you are.” His eyes twinkled at me, but he didn’t smile.
“No. Seriously. What? I can tell you have something on your mind.”
“’Cause you know me. Nobody’s ever known me like you do.” It sounded like the lyrics of a song, but Micah didn’t have a trace of teasing in his voice as he said it. “If I give you something, will you be pissed off or happy?”
Oh dear. My pulse sped, and the room grew suddenly too hot. He couldn’t possibly be suggesting what I thought he was. That would be too impulsive and crazy even for Micah.
“Depends,” I muttered and sucked in a breath as he put his hand in the pocket of his jacket, that lay over the arm of the couch. If he pulled out a little black box, I was going to wet myself.
He handed me an envelope, and my momentary panic subsided. There was no writing on the front. I opened the flap and pulled out the note inside. It was a card with a cartoon picture of a pair of dinosaurs dancing under a disco ball. Inside the card read “Valentine, you’re dino-mite.”
I burst out laughing. “Cute. How’d you even get a valentine card this time of year?” It wasn’t quite Thanksgiving yet.
Then I unfolded the piece of paper inside the card and lost my breath again. What the hell? It was a hand-drawn certificate citing me as the winner of the first annual Gina Torrio Scholarship for Excellence in Assisting People in Need. And along with that award came a check for several thousand dollars.
“What the hell?” I asked. “You’re giving me money?”
“No. I mean, yeah. But not the way you make it sound.” Micah swung toward me, his knee bumping mine. I was afraid you might take it the wrong way. But this is my grand gesture, and here’s the point I’m trying to make.”
He touched my wrist but didn’t take my hand, which still clutched the silly dinosaur card. “You’ve mentioned a few times regretting abandoning your own dreams to run away with some guy. I want you to know I’m one hundred percent behind whatever you want to do with your life. I want to be the one supporting you all the way.”
“You can support my choices without paying me cash.” I stared at the number on that check with my eyes growing blurry.
“I know. But this is what I want to do for you. Please let me. I’m not a macho guy, all protective like J.D., but I can do this for you.”
I didn’t know whether to kill him or kiss him. It was a grand gesture all right. A bit misplaced with those dollar signs. But I believed Micah’s heart was behind it. Besides, it was easier and more fun to kiss him than dispose of a dead body later.
I dropped the card, the certificate, and the check and reached for him.
We’d been so chaste over the past weeks, even our pecks had been polite. But not anymore. I threw my arms around his neck and clung to him while I gave him a deep, searching kiss.
When we broke apart, Micah panted, “So I can take that as a thanks and you’ll accept the scholarship?”
Suddenly too overcome to speak, I nodded.
“Good.” He smiled and dipped his head so we touched foreheads. “Know what? I’m kinda sweet on you.”
“I’m kinda sweet on you too, crazy guy.” I brushed my
fingers through the soft locks of his hair in back, tousled and not gelled into submission for a change. Then I canted my mouth to cover his, and our lips meshed with a softer touch. Long luxurious kisses made my lips vibrate and my body sing.
Micah’s hands bracketed my waist as he pulled me onto his lap. Every hard ridge of his body pressed into every soft curve of mine. This was what I’d been craving during our entire stint of abstinence. The strength in his muscles made my body feel fragile and small in comparison. I loved that feeling and the assured way his hands moved all over me, stroking, cupping, petting parts like an accomplished musician playing an instrument.
Pretty soon, the couch wasn’t wide enough to accommodate our wrestling around. Micah swept me up and carried me to my bedroom, actually, not a separate room but a screened-off corner of my cramped studio apartment. He tumbled me onto the bed and jumped on top of me. The bedframe gave an alarming groan of dismay.
I cupped Micah’s face between my hands and looked up into his beautiful eyes. “I’ve missed this.”
“Me too.” He lowered his face to mine, and we kissed some more. My lips felt tender and bruised, and down low in my body, a different sort of ache throbbed. I was open and wet and eager to have him inside me. I twisted impatiently on the bed, reaching to undo the top button on my jeans.
Micah reared up and drew off his T-shirt, displaying gorgeous ridges of muscle in his torso. He tossed the shirt, then grabbed mine and pulled it over my head. My hair crackled with static from the swift removal. I pushed it out of my eyes while Micah’s hands roamed over the cups of my bra and the swell of flesh above each one. He bent to kiss me there, and I gave a quiet moan of encouragement.
It was time for my bra to come off now, allowing his mouth to explore the round curves of my breasts and to suck on the beaded peaks of nipples. Every tug went straight down to my groin and burned there. I wanted more of this, of him, my Micah, the quirky, unexpected man who’d snuck in the back door of my heart.
He wasn’t who I’d thought I needed or wanted. He wasn’t the steady, down-to-earth, trustworthy guy I’d promised myself I’d go for this time. But it was starting to seem like Micah was the long-distance-runner type after all. Most important, he understood me like no other man ever had. Was he my Joseph Hawkins, the man I’d regret letting go years later if I didn’t hold on to him?
