"The same one you mentioned before," Sam said sarcastically, reminding Randy of the made-up suitor he had used to try to get a rise out of Sam. The last time it had worked. Not again.
"Nah, this one's real." Randy gestured toward the lab. "See?"
Sure enough, Penny was emerging from the building, chatting with some guy wearing a white lab coat, a stethoscope tucked in his pocket. He was tall and distinguished-looking, the kind of substantial, well-connected man she deserved, Sam decided, forcing himself to be objective.
He couldn't seem to take his eyes off of her. She was wearing a summer dress he hadn't seen before, one that bared her delectable shoulders. Sam's gut tied itself in knots. He wanted to shout at her to put on the jacket she was carrying over one arm. He wanted to kiss the exposed skin until she trembled. Damn!
Something the man said made her laugh. Sam could hear the carefree sound floating on the breeze. His heart ached that the laughter hadn't been meant for his ears.
When the doctor casually draped his arm across her shoulders, a primitive, possessive rage roared through Sam. Every instinct told him to walk over there and claim her, but he remained right where he was, as if rooted there for eternity.
"What are you going to do about it?" Randy asked, watching him hopefully.
"Nothing," Sam said bleakly. He'd known this day would come eventually, had expected it, in fact. What he hadn't anticipated was how soon it would be and how much it would hurt.
"Nothing? Come on, man. You don't want to lose her."
"She's not mine to lose."
Randy regarded him with disgust. "Jeez, I guess that leaves it up to me."
Before Sam could stop him, Randy took off at a run, joining the couple as they started down the block. Penny greeted him with a smile, linking her arm through his, while Sam's stomach churned with envy.
But as badly as he wanted to, he couldn't make himself go after them. She was better off without him. They both knew that. At least, he did, and she would figure it out soon enough.
Since Sam couldn't follow them, he wandered back the way he'd come and spent the rest of the evening in his apartment downing Scotch in place of the painkillers he'd stopped days earlier. It left him not only disgruntled and depressed, but almost guaranteed a miserable hangover. He figured that was pretty much what he deserved for being such a damn fool. How had he allowed himself, even for a moment, to believe that anything as special as what he and Penny had shared the past few weeks could possibly last? He was the son of Paul Roberts, a man who hadn't known the first thing about commitment, a man who'd deserted his wife and children. The same sorry genes were at work in him.
"Have you had dinner yet?" Penny asked Randy when they were back in her neighborhood.
She wasn't sure she could bear another evening alone. All she did was worry about Sam and make herself sick wondering what she could have done to make things turn out differently. She'd been thrilled when Randy had come along just as she was on her way home.
"Not really," Randy said.
"Let's go to Rosie's, then. My treat." She gazed into his troubled brown eyes. "Do you have time?"
"Sure. It's just that...isn't that where you and Sam used to go?"
Struck by his amazingly mature sensitivity, she squeezed his hand. "Hey, it's okay. I'm not going to get all teary-eyed on you again."
"I don't care if you cry," he said, turning red. "I mean, I don't mind if you do it around me. I just don't like for you to be sad."
"I have no intention of letting Sam Roberts make me sad ever again," she vowed.
Randy looked skeptical. "If you say so." He glanced up at her, his expression sly. "I saw him tonight."
"Is he okay?" she asked at once, without thinking of how Randy would view the automatic response.
Randy grinned. "You guys are pathetic. You can't go five minutes without asking about him. He can't go five minutes without worrying about you. But you won't see each other. I don't get it."
Frankly, Penny wasn't so sure she got it, either. "It's just the way it is," she said wearily.
"But it doesn't have to be that way. You should have seen the way he looked when he saw you with the doc tonight."
"Sam saw us? He was at the lab?"
"Waiting around outside," Randy confirmed. "It made him crazy when he saw you with another guy. I didn't tell him that you usually just walk to the bus stop together. He thought it was like a date or something."
Penny sighed. It might have made Sam crazy, but he hadn't done anything about it. He was still refusing to acknowledge his feelings for her, and as long as he was so blasted determined to remain aloof, there was nothing she could do.
"Well?" Randy prodded. "Don't you think that means something? He looked really angry. That must mean he cares, right?"
"Believe me, if I understood the way Sam's mind worked, we wouldn't be in this mess. Come on. I'm starved," she said, pointedly changing the subject.
Randy regarded her with obvious disappointment, but that was nothing compared to the expression on Rosie's face when she learned that Sam would not be joining them.
"What is the matter with him? Did that crazy boy with the knife do something to his brain? No. The cut was to his stomach, but it has affected his mind." She patted Penny's hand. "Do not worry. I will fix this."
Oh, Lord, Penny thought. First Randy, now Rosie. Add in Brandon, Dana and whoever else felt inclined to meddle and Sam was likely to head for Wyoming and take up cattle ranching.
"Please. Let it be," she pleaded. "He has to work this out for himself."
"He is a man," Rosie declared with disdain. "They do not work things out. They sulk like little boys. They need to be pushed into doing what is right."
The idea of anyone pushing Sam into doing anything he didn't want to do made Penny smile.
"See," Rosie declared triumphantly. "You agree."
"No. Yes. Oh, for heaven's sake, Rosie, you know Sam better than I do. Has he ever taken advice from anyone?"
Rosie frowned. "No," she conceded.
"He rebels, right?"
"Yes."
"Then it's best to leave him alone."
Rosie regarded her worriedly. "You will wait for him to make up his mind?"
Penny shrugged. "I don't really have any choice. I've fallen in love with the hardheaded jerk."
"All right!" Randy said, beaming at her and giving a high five to Rosie.
Penny glared at them. She was delighted to see that they thought it mattered one whit what she felt. Sam was the troublesome one, not her.
The phone call came several days later at an incredibly impolite hour, after midnight. However, it was only nine-thirty in California and Penny guessed even before she heard the voice on the other end of the line that it would be her grandfather. Obviously he'd made the call late at night her time in the vain hope that she would remain speechless until he'd had his say.
"What is wrong with you?" Brandon grumbled without bothering with any polite chitchat. "Hell, girl, you should have that boy tied in knots by now."
"Excuse me, but what boy is that?"
"Oh, for heaven's sake, don't play dumb with me. You and Sam. What's taking so long?"
"I wasn't aware that we were on a timetable."
"I'm not going to live forever, you know."
Penny had serious doubts about that. Brandon would stick around as long as he had descendents whose lives he could toy with. "Don't pull that with me," she said. "I'm not falling for it. Besides, why would I marry anyone just because it suited you?"
To her satisfaction, that silenced him.
"You resisting this just because it was my idea?" he inquired finally.
"I am resisting it because Sam Roberts is just about the most stubborn, most bullheaded man I have ever known and he is no more interested in marriage than I am." Okay, so it was at least half a lie. The truth wouldn't get her off this phone and back to sleep.
Brandon chuckled. "Guess it's just a matter of time, after all.
"
"I wouldn't hold my breath, if I were you."
"You know he's going back on assignment again," he said slyly. "Something dangerous. Won't even tell me what it is."
Randy hadn't said anything about that at dinner earlier in the week. In fact, he hadn't even hinted that Sam was back at work. Mrs. Farnsworth had told her that the chief had refused to allow Sam back on the job the first time he'd shown up at the station.
Maybe it was a recent development, then. She couldn't deny that the news set off a pang of anxiety. What if it was still too soon? What if he made a costly mistake? Again, for the thousandth time, she saw him on that sidewalk bleeding to death. Her whole body shook at the memory.
Still, Sam had made a decision about the way he wanted to spend his life. It wasn't up to her to try to change him. In fact, her fear was one of the very things standing between them, at least according to him.
"So?" she said to her grandfather, trying desperately to sound disinterested when what she really wanted was to know every detail about where he'd be, who would be his backup, how much danger was involved.
"Doesn't that worry you?" her grandfather demanded, sounding indignant.
"He knows what he's doing," she said, and suddenly realized it was true. She might not like what Sam did for a living, but she'd come to understand not only what it meant to him to try to save those kids, but exactly how good he was at it. Look at what he'd done for Randy. There were probably even more boys she didn't even know about.
It occurred to Penny that it might be a good time to tell him that, just in case something went wrong and she never had another chance. Her heart thudded dully at the thought of what her life would be like without Sam.
But going to Sam with this or anything else was pointless, she realized. If anything was ever to be resolved between them, he had to come to her. It had to be his decision.
"You're not going to try to stop him, are you?" her grandfather asked, clearly disappointed.
"No. It's his decision. It's his life on the line."
"Dammit, girl, don't you see? He doesn't think his life's worth anything."
With an ache in her chest that wouldn't go away, Penny was forced to acknowledge that what her grandfather said was true. Sam had never believed he mattered, not to her, not to anyone.
But how could she prove to him that he was wrong? And how could she do it before it was too late?
"You love him, don't you?" her grandfather asked, his voice gentler.
"Yes."
"Then tell him that."
"I already have. He doesn't believe it will last."
Brandon Halloran sighed heavily. "That boy always did have a head that was hard as a rock. Don't you worry, girl. I'll think of something."
Penny chuckled despite herself. "That's what I'm afraid of."
Before she could try to prevent him from getting involved any more deeply than he already was, her grandfather hung up on her. He didn't even say goodbye. Obviously, he was too busy scheming to worry about the social amenities. That worried her almost as much as thinking of Sam back on the streets again.
Chapter 16
Unable to sleep after her conversation with her grandfather, Penny was up and out of her apartment before dawn. Even so, she found Didi already in the lab, bent over a microscope. She didn't even look up when Penny came in.
"Is this typical of the kind of hours you put in?" Penny asked, pouring herself a cup of the coffee Didi had already brewed.
"I had a brainstorm in the middle of the night and I wanted to get in here early to check it out. What about you?" She glanced at Penny. "Or do I need to ask?"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means you have that wide-awake-all-night-thinking-about-Sam look and the circles under your eyes to go with it."
"Actually, I have that up-all-night-thinking-of-waysto-stop-my-grandfather-from-meddling look."
"What's he done now?"
"Nothing in the last eight hours or so, but he's scheming. At approximately 12:30 a.m., he promised that he would think of something to get Sam and me back together. I was supposed to be reassured by that."
Didi glanced up from her microscope and regarded Penny wistfully. "You're lucky. I wish somebody would take my social life in hand."
"Trust me, what you need is a social secretary, not a meddling grandfather."
"I'm not so sure about that. At least he thinks he knows what's right for you. I haven't the vaguest idea what's right for me. I just have people pulling me in different directions."
To her surprise, Penny heard a genuine note of dismay in Didi's voice. She even thought she detected the telltale shimmer of tears in her eyes. Worried by what she saw, Penny pulled up a stool and sat down.
"Okay, talk," she instructed briskly. "You've listened to me enough. It's my turn now. I can't promise advice the caliber of Dear Abby's, but I'll give it my best shot."
Didi shrugged. "There's nothing to say."
Penny rolled her eyes. "For a woman who thinks nothing of dissecting my relationship with Sam, you're awfully tight-lipped about your own feelings. At last count, you'd had three proposals and one big-time proposition for a long-term affair in Tahiti. Or was it Bali? Anyway, all that was in a single week. What you failed to mention was whether you cared about any of the men involved. In fact, I'm not even sure I've ever heard you mention their names. So, what's the deal?"
"Sure, I care," she said readily. "I care about all of them. They're great guys."
"Let me rephrase that," Penny said with exaggerated patience. "Are you in love with any of them?"
"Yes. No." Didi sighed. "Hell, I don't know. Let's not talk about this. The timing on this experiment is critical."
"So's your life." Penny's gaze narrowed. "You're afraid, aren't you?" she said. She recognized all the signs. She'd read them in Sam's expression often enough.
"Sure," Didi confirmed readily enough. "I'm afraid of commitment. My whole life, I've set my own worth based on what other people thought of me. I've turned into an approval junkie. What if I choose one guy and his approval isn't enough? What if I'm always looking for more ways--translate that as affairs--to bolster my self-esteem?"
Penny wondered if Sam faced the same quandry. It would make sense. A boy abandoned by his father, a boy whose mother hadn't cared enough about him to survive the father's leaving, wouldn't that boy always be searching for approval, even as a man?
So, maybe Sam's fears went beyond abandonment. Maybe he simply understood his own constant search for recognition and acceptance and feared that the love of just one woman wouldn't be enough. With every day that passed, she realized she was gaining more insights into the barriers that stood between them. She also realized what tremendous hurdles they were. She prayed for the strength to overcome them.
Looking back at Didi, Penny wanted to shake her. "Don't dare underestimate yourself. Don't you see how much value you have? You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You're funny. Any man would be lucky to have you, just as this lab is blessed to have you on staff. But hearing that from me or anyone else will never be enough. You have to accept it in your gut. You have to believe in yourself."
Penny reached for a notebook and plopped it down on the counter beside her friend. "I want you to stop what you're doing and list every single one of your accomplishments. Then I want you to write down your shortcomings. I guarantee the balance will be all in your favor and it will be right there in black and white for you to study every time you start doubting yourself. You won't need any man's approval."
When she was finished, Didi regarded her curiously. "Was that little speech meant for me or someone else?"
Penny grinned. "You, definitely. But I know one other person who could probably benefit from it."
"Will you tell him?"
"If I ever get the chance." She wouldn't hold her breath while waiting for the opportunity.
That weary sense of resignation didn't take into account her grandfather's determinatio
n or how quickly he could mastermind another matchmaking scheme.
It was nearly two the next morning when the phone rang, jarring Sam out of a restless sleep. He knew as he reached for it that it had to be trouble. At this hour, it always was.
"Sam, is that you?"
He struggled awake. "Granddad Brandon? Is something wrong? Is Mrs. H. okay?"
"Lizzy's fine. Fit as a fiddle. Just thought I'd call to see how you're doing."
"At 2:00 a.m.?"
"Oh," he said without the slightest hint of apology. "I guess I didn't realize how late it was. The time difference always fouls me up."
Sam wasn't buying this vague act for a minute. "What's really on your mind?"
"Mrs. Farnsworth says that boy, Randy, needs a place to stay. Think I should let him move into the house?"
"That's up to you. I think I can guarantee he won't walk off with the silver, if that's worrying you."
"I already gave away the best silver. Your sister was absconding with it piece by piece, first for this holiday, then for that. I finally told her to finish off the set. Anyway, you think this boy'd benefit from being in that house with just Mrs. Farnsworth to look after him?"
"She'd be more family than he's ever had before. If she's willing, I think it would be great."
"I'll give her the go-ahead, then."
"Good. Was there anything else?"
"I wasn't going to mention it," Brandon said, "but..."
Here it comes, Sam thought.
"I'm a little worried about Penny," he said.
Sam sighed. "Don't start with this again."
"No, really. I'm serious. She's planning to drop out of graduate school and leave that job she wanted so badly to move back to California. Why would she want to do that? Getting to Boston meant everything to her. She couldn't wait to get into Harvard. And that job of hers, well, it was a dream come true."
"She's leaving?" Sam said dully, his head beginning to throb. "When?"
"By the end of the week is what she told me the other night."
He snapped fully awake at that. "You mean, Friday? That's the day after tomorrow," he said, astonished by the hastiness of her decision and the speed with which she intended to carry it out.
A Vow to Love Page 16
