by Imogene Nix
As she lay in the dark the only thing that came to her mind were those thoughts that she was alone again. He doesn’t want you. Nobody ever wanted you. That insidious little voice again whispered in her ear. She slowly gave way to her emotions. Tears leaked from burning eyes, and sobs erupted. It took a long time until they ceased. Then she lay there, eyes hurting in the dark and her heart trampled, but she didn’t sleep.
* * * *
In his office, Duvall paced. He raged inwardly about women who didn’t follow simple instructions. He told himself he didn’t need her. None of the emotions he had experienced with her were more than wishful thinking on his part. When Grayson pinged him through the system, he growled orders. He brooded.
But the cabin and work area remained empty, his bed cold and uninviting. When the door chimes started, he rose, thinking it was her, but to his dismay he found Elara at the door.
“What are you doing here?” he groused.
Elara took one look at him, quickly scanned the room, and sighed. Entering, she sat down at the table. “What did you do?” she asked quietly.
He looked at her, and she looked back expectantly, silently waiting.
The words tumbled out. His fears that Mellissa’s needs and safety were becoming his focus over and above the mission, something he had fought so hard for years, were hard to swallow. He knew she would play a vital part in the mission, but he fought the connection because he had always followed the teachings of Elphin—that connections grounded you. How, in his blindness, he’d hurt Mellissa. The truths he spoke sliced at him, but he forced them out in a rushed wave. Elara listened without comment until he got to the end.
“And she moved into another cabin. Left me!” The petulance in his voice surprised him. But then, what else did he expect? His mind questioned his hot and cold reactions, and he knew it was his see-sawing emotions which had damaged the budding relationship and his equilibrium. The one he relied on to captain his ship effectively.
“Duvall, you know that at some point, you need to either make a commitment or let something go. Can you do that? Are you able to watch her walk away?”
He stilled. Letting her go wasn’t an option, so he needed to find a way to balance a relationship with his command.
“No!” came his response, urgent and unequivocal.
She looked straight at him and said simply, “Then you need to go get her and tell her what you just told me. But be mindful, if you make that commitment, it is yours forever. If you break it, it’s damaged and gone. Never to be regained. There can’t be any half-measures where the heart is involved.”
He closed his eyes as pain shot through his system. Had he damaged it irreparably? He opened his eyes and looked at her. “When did you get so wise?” he questioned quietly.
“When I met Grayson.” Elara stood and placed a soft, quick kiss on his cheek, then turned, palmed the door, and walked out without looking back.
He sat in his office, once again alone. Brooding. Elara had asked the one question he had tried avoiding overall. Could he let Mellissa go? He’d answered no and that was the truth. Now, he had to find some way to marry the conditioning with his emotions. When he’d left the academy, he swore to himself that emotional entanglements would ground him, just as Elphin had said. Now he looked back, considering how many of his peers had been able to both achieve a lasting relationship and continue to move up the ranks.
In the emptiness of his cabin he attempted to decipher exactly how he felt about Mellissa and how he could make a relationship work. “If she’ll have me after today.”
Things would need to change, he acknowledged, but could he make it right? Was there some way to keep Mellissa safe and by his side, while keeping his promises to the Empire? Scary questions, he acknowledged privately, but the answers frightened him even more. If he didn’t take the chance, he would lose something that didn’t come along more than once in a lifetime.
Duvall scrubbed his hands through his hair, head aching as he contemplated the mess he’d made. He sat in the darkness, aware of loneliness, and nursed his Arturian wine.
Chapter 8
Mellissa dressed slowly, grimacing at her face in the mirror. She’d slept restlessly the night before, and her rumpled appearance reflected that. At least the choices of clothing limited her dissatisfaction. She had either a blue research services uniform, several nondescript gray shipwear uniforms, or blue dress uniform. “Such an exotic range of clothing.”
With a final twist, she fastened her hair back and left the cabin, heading in the direction of the mess hall. As she started to enter, a hand shot out and grabbed her arm. Swinging around quickly, Mellissa came face to face with Duvall.
His eyes were unusually shadowed and red-rimmed, while dark growth fringed the edges of his jaw. He looked strung out, as if he’d had little sleep. His hands raked through his hair, radiating tension and frustration.
She looked at him mutely. What did he expect of her now? First he trampled her heart, and now he wanted more?
“Mellissa, I need to talk to you.” His voice was rough as he continued, “Please come and sit with me while we eat, then we can find a quiet spot to talk.”
She didn’t know how she felt about that. He’d hurt her, and now he wanted to talk? She opened her mouth and closed it again. If she spoke… A pang echoed in her chest as she peered closely at him. For the first time, he looked lost and unsure.
“Okay, let’s talk.” She followed him into the mess hall.
They joined the line and grabbed a coffee and roll then found a spot to sit. The silence, far from the companionable quiet she had come to appreciate with him, stretched uncomfortably as tension zinged through the air.
Overnight she’d concluded that her behavior had skated on the edges of childishness. And while his behavior had been lacking, as the good Mother Superior had always said, two wrongs don’t make a right.
She fidgeted in her seat, unable to eat her roll. Mellissa picked at it, small crumbs falling to the basic white plate, as her stomach roiled in sympathy with her feelings. The longer the silence grew, the less certain became her stomach. It rattled around, and the queasiness grew.
After a couple of minutes of pulling their rolls apart and pretending like they were eating, she stood. “Look, uhh, let’s just forget it.”
“No. We’ll get rid of these and go to my ready room. To talk.”
She scanned his face, looking for a hint of what he was thinking, but her head ached so she gave up. “Sure.”
After dumping the plates on the side, they headed back to the room, and by the time they arrived, the silence had grown unbearable and thick. They kept a careful and respectful distance from each other as she slumped into the chair she had filled yesterday afternoon at the opposite end of the table.
“Mellissa, I was wrong. I should have told you what was bothering me. I’m not used to feeling any sort of…” He seemed to fish for the words. “…connection in my relationships. I’m sorry.” He looked uncomfortable and somber. “I can’t make you any promises. I won’t make promises I can’t keep. I can say that I never intended to hurt you. What we have...well, I don’t really know how to describe it.” He paused, looked at her. “I don’t want it to end, but I can’t promise you forever. I belong to the Admiralty. I took an oath when I became an officer. It’s one I hold sacred. I have a mission, and millions of people rely on me doing my job and keeping them safe.” His eyes beseeched her to understand. “I won’t lie to you, I can promise you that.”
Her heart lurched in her chest. She wanted to wipe the pain from his face, but protecting herself was part of her makeup.
Duvall sighed. “I missed you last night, and I really want you to move back into the cabin with me. I am sorry.” He stopped. She guessed he waited for her response.
“I don’t know what to say to you, Duvall.” She wanted to believe him, to ride the high again, but could she? Should she take the chance he could break her heart again? “I mean, we had a terrific
interlude, then you shut me out. Just like that, and yes, that hurt me. Either you want me or you don’t. But the hot and cold…well, I just can’t do them.” Mellissa sucked in a breath. How she wanted that connection back, but she was scared. “You need to work out what you want. Short term? Well, I could move back, but what if you change your mind again?”
He flinched as she spoke.
“You say you won’t lie to me, but it could be a lie by omission. You didn’t want the kick of intimacy? I can understand that.” She stopped and took a deep breath. “Take up again? I don’t know that I can do that without some sort of commitment on your part.”
He started at that, shocked.
Mellissa looked at him, her eyes glistening with tears. She screwed up her courage. Her voice thickened. “Commitment doesn’t necessarily mean forever, but we do need ground rules. I have to ask though—do you want me? Not just sexually, but everything I am?” She waited, cringing when she heard the words erupt from her mouth.
“Barsha! Yes!” he answered, fists clenched tight against his body, his face strained.
She took a step forward, hopeful. Then she stopped. “Then we need some sort of understanding. If either of us thinks it’s time to end it, then it’s done upfront. We tell each other honestly and clearly. No silences and no just letting the relationship fade away. When it’s done, from either side, we both let go. Do you agree?” she demanded. Her heart had lightened from the dead weight she had experienced since the night before.
He nodded his agreement. He made to hold her. She stepped back though, knowing that more had to be said first.
“I keep my own cabin so if things end, I have somewhere, a bolt hole to… A place to retreat to.”
He looked ready to argue.
“It’s non-negotiable. I need it, and so do you. Then we both have equal footing in the relationship. Right?”
He didn’t seem to like that. Duvall’s lips had tightened at her demands. He opened his mouth again, and she raised a hand.
“I have next to nothing. I’ve left my entire life behind, so I need to have something to ground me. I need this. I have to have a place for me and my peace of mind.”
He looked upset but eventually nodded.
“But if you need your space, you need to tell me. Be clear. This will only work if we both know what our roles are. What the expectations of this…thing…” She waved her hand at both of them. “…is.” She crossed the space between them and slowly reached up. When her eyes were level with his, she said, “I want you too. I want this to work. Just as I know you do.”
She closed the gap and softly pressed her lips to his. Her eyes closed briefly, but before he could grab her, she moved away. He looked disappointed, but they had much to do and little time.
She turned toward the door. “I’m going to grab some of my things and bring them back. Not everything though. I’ll only be gone a few minutes. While I’m out, think about what useful things I can do. I need a place in this crew if I’m staying on. I know I’m supposed to be placed as a junior researcher, but I need something worthwhile to do now.” She left him standing watching her, knowing he would continue to think about what she had done, what she had demanded.
She made the trip to her cabin slowly, thinking long and hard about her agreement to move back into his cabin. Passion on tap…oh yes, that certainly was a motivator, but commitment beyond the mission? No, she couldn’t rely on that, so whatever happened, she needed to prepare herself for the eventuality that this relationship would end.
Mellissa stopped dead in the hallway, taking a moment to be honest with herself. Perhaps she should have just refused, but truthfully, she could no more refuse than she could do without air.
“No, the best way is forward,” she muttered, clenching her fists against the tiny kick of pain. “I need to prepare now for the end of this relationship.”
She strode down the corridor, her mind running a million miles an hour. She’d need to find what usable skills that she had and shore up her position in this time. Build a new life, one that let her experience everything she could. She wasn’t totally satisfied, but having reached some point of stability in her life plan, Mellissa clung onto it.
At her cabin, she palmed the door. She glanced around the small, cramped cabin. Yes, perhaps it was cold and impersonal, but it was all hers. If things ended sooner rather than later, at least she had things here ready.
She grabbed only the essentials, a couple of changes of clothes and some toiletries. Depositing the items in the bag she had carried down here yesterday, she swiftly made her way back to Duvall’s cabin, listening to the clank of her feet on the floor as she went. She had raised her hand to the palm scanner when it opened, and she looked inside.
“I had your imprint added to the door, so you can come and go at will.”
He looked at her, and she melted right back to the beginning. Yes, right now she was sure she’d made the right decision.
“Do you…” He cleared his throat. “Can I help you with that?” He gestured to the bag, and she shook her head.
After she had put her clothing back in the drawers she had used previously, he grabbed her hand and led her to the bridge. Back in the chair that had become hers, she reclined as the seat molded to her body. “Holy mother of…” The whisper escaped as she marveled at the view. Earth, the green-blue planet, rose in front of her on the screen.
“It’s an awesome view, isn’t it?”
She glanced at Duvall, who watched her. “Yeah. It really is.”
Twirling into view and getting larger by the minute, floated a spaceport. Large and glowing, it seemed to jut out at angles, with spires and rings, blazing lights and small ships darting around. The large and small ships appeared connected to it, moving back and forth like bees at a hive.
It looked long enough, it seemed that the space freighters and passenger cruisers she had learned about had docked four and five alongside each other. Other massive gray starships, destroyers she guessed from the education programs, floated in orbit around it, waiting or protecting, she could only guess.
She’d marveled at the international space station on the television in her own time, but this structure far outweighed anything she’d ever imagined. She was gazing at a piece of engineering magnificence.
“How long has that been there?” she asked.
“The port? Oh, that one is about thirty years old, but it’s almost ready for refurbing again. The military section gets worked on every five to ten years.” He pointed to the far side of the port. “That’s where we’ll dock the Elector.” They inched closer to the structure.
Truly, it left her awed at how small it seemed from space, yet so imposing. The sight of it she could use in her novel, and her fingers itched for a notebook to record what she could see. Then she realized Duvall once more watched her.
“Once we’ve docked, a shuttle will be waiting to take us dirtside,” he said. He turned then, back to the job at hand.
Navigation requested an update on heading, and Duvall hailed the station.
“Earth Station to Elector. Present credentials and stand by.”
His fingers tapped on the molded arm of his seat.
“Earth Station to Elector, proceed to berth alpha-one-one-three. We are transmitting bearing to navigational units.”
The officer in charge of navigation gave a curt nod, letting them know he’d received the information. Mellissa’s gaze returned to Duvall, fascinated with the unhurried way he dealt with the intricacies involved.
“Elector to Earth Station. Bearing received, correcting course now.”
Within minutes, the process was completed. Chowd had explained they’d used both thrusters and space tugs in order to dock in position against the stark gray, walled structure.
They docked with an almost imperceptible bump and a slight rise as she connected to her berth. The squark of communications announced that they could now leave the ship, but Mellissa sat marveling for a little longer,
lost in the immensity of the action. Finally, she looked up and saw Duvall standing beside her, watching her. He motioned for her to walk with him.
They walked to the rear of the ship and into the port, where the small bag Duvall had arranged for them sat on the floor. “We have a bit of a walk to meet our shuttle, but once on board, it’s a quick trip down.” He gripped her hand tightly, his fingers slipping between hers as Grayson, Elara, and Chowd flanked them.
The five made their way through the terminal and toward the military shuttle lounge, and she looked out every port. She watched, goggle-eyed, as the population passed them. Creatures of other species moved along the walkways. She gaped, even though she didn’t want to. The sights defied even her imagination as blue and yellow creatures, mainly humanoid in looks, paid them no attention on their way to their own destinations. A gray, shaggy creature with some sort of air-driven device passed them, calling out as the machine chugged along.
Duvall kept hold of her hand and guided her forward to the lounge. Unsurprisingly, she noted the lounge was decorated with grays and nothing to alleviate the dull color. On arrival, they quickly and efficiently moved onto an empty shuttle that sat waiting.
“No one else?” Chowd raised an eyebrow.
“It was specifically held for us. A secured shuttle.”
Duvall ushered Mellissa forward.
“You can have the port seat,” said Duvall with laughter in his voice. He’d obviously taken notice of the craning she’d done as they had made their way to the shuttle.
Finding seats, they sat down, and Duvall checked her belts then his own. An announcement of imminent departure sounded through the empty shuttle, and a clank echoed as the door shut, then it moved away from the station, maneuvering in the direction of the planet. From her seat, it looked as if it were rapidly growing. She grinned, comfortable with the travel until they hit the atmosphere. The portal beside her showed the red-yellow haze during the entry procedure, and she reared away.
